Did you ever consider termination or wish for a miscarriage?

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DID you ever think about it?

I did think about death, miscarriage, or termination
I did NOT think about death, m/c, or termination
Total votes : 268

Did you ever consider termination or wish for a miscarriage?

Postby Jenny » Feb 04, 2007 11:52 pm

i want to start a poll to help solve this issue once and for all!!

I see so many moms totally horrified with guilt for having thought at any point in her pregnancy about wishing for a miscarriage, or considering termination, or wishing for her own death. This brings SOOO much guilt. Yet I think that the majority of us had that thought at some point. It is kind of like feeling guilty about other thoughts we have that are totally normal. Just as much as we want to tell our children some day that thinking about sex, stealing, drugs or whatever is totally normal, but the important part is what you do with what you think about, I want to give our group a moment to say, yes I thought about it, I confess that, and I know it is totally normal.

PLEASE be honest though, if you never had a single moment of wishing for miscarriage, termination, or your own death, then say that too. Just be honest here, so we really know the truth of how we think. You can reply if you choose but please vote.
Last edited by Jenny on Feb 24, 2007 6:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby aaronsmommy » Feb 05, 2007 12:07 am

Good idea!

My general feeling is that if the thought of termination never even crossed your mind, then you probably didn't have hyperemesis! I guess we'll see.

I generally contemplated the death route with more seriousness (I would wonder how long it would take me to die if I just unhooked myself from the meds and IVs, and think about that as a pleasant option).

My first pg I thought about termination more, what stopped me was the thought that if I did, that I would certainly try again, and if I was sick again I would have to relive all those weeks that I had already survived (of course, then I had to anyway because the baby died). The second time I knew I wouldn't do it having been in that situation where I wished I was sick again if I could have my baby back, but I certainly thought about how the vomiting would go away if I did.

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Postby Kenderyl » Feb 05, 2007 12:09 am

I'm being TOTALLY honest when I say that I often wished that I had died during those really BAD days. I couldn't bring myself to think of harming my baby and after all the miscarriages I had, another one was painful to even consider...but for some reason, it seemed less violent and somewhat guilt-free to just wish myself to die (even if it meant my baby died with me).

I know that it would've been horrible for my other children and I'm sure that Grey would've lost his mind with grief...but, when you're in the moment - hovering over the toilet/puke bucket vomiting for the 20th+ time of the day, PICC line arm aching, exhausted, head & body aching, chills and shivering and wishing that God would just take us and make it all stop - you don't exactly think with any margin of rational.
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Postby IslandDreamer » Feb 05, 2007 12:17 am

Oh goodness, yes. Good one, Jenny. Yup, yup, prayed for miscarriage, asked doc to terminate, asked dh for guns. Then I lost Hope and the guilt....HUGE HUGE HUGE! With Jack, I just prayed and prayed to not hate him...could NOT believe I was having to do HG for someone who wasn't Hope, who I wished back a million times with "I'll have HG every day, God, just send her back."
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Postby kathleen » Feb 05, 2007 12:20 am

I prayed for death in the middle when it was worse. I also thought of throwing myself down the stairs/falling to make myself m/c to make it stop. Just being totally honest. :hugs:
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Postby tgger007 » Feb 05, 2007 12:26 am

I did not WANT it.. but I thought of it. I wanted it to end.. My suffering.. watching my husband and Boo see me suffer. No one understanding.

It would occur when I was living by the toliet my forhead pressed on the coldness...my face burning from exploding blood vessels, and me nearly passing out after being sick.. those moments would I felt I was chocking to death and not able to catch my breath.

That evil person would appear on my shoulder.. those worst of worst depression times. One reason why I'm scared to go there again. I did not know who I was.

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Postby Cin » Feb 05, 2007 12:47 am

Yes, I thought about all three.

And especially aborting.

Those houghts stayed with me almost constantly, unless I was praying to God, the baby's guardian angel or St. Gianna.
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Postby caleighbelle47 » Feb 05, 2007 12:48 am

Being totally honest I did not think about miscarriage and termination. I'm not sure why because I was certainly miserable. In fact with Isabella I prayed every night that I wouldn't have a miscarriage (for some reason I really feared it with her.) With John there were times that I said I changed my mind and didn't really want to have another baby, but I didn't want that pregnancy to end in that way. Maybe because my desire for a baby was so strong, it was all I wanted and I was willing to do anything for it. Regardless of hg if I had miscarried I would have just gotten pregnant again soon afterwards and didn't want to start over. After reaching the 3rd trimester I wanted the babies to come early (only after I was certain they would survive.)

However I totally understand people having those feelings and they shouldn't feel guilty. After John was born and so colicky and sick there was rarely a day I didn't want to get rid of him. And there were times I thought it'd be better if he died (mostly because watching him suffer was killing me.) I seriously just wanted to give him away or leave him somewhere.
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Postby teddi » Feb 05, 2007 12:57 am

Yeah to all three. More so in the first one, where I consolled myself with the thought I could tie something heavy to my feet and drown myself in my parents pool. :? I thought about aborting, though with all my soul I didn't want to do that, I just wanted a ONE day OFF from the HG. There were many days I wished for a miscarriage, even though I knew I had probably just had one. I felt like death, in a way was dying (probably would have if I lived 100 years ago)...and just lost the will to go on. Didn't care if it meant me and my baby was gone too.

With the twins, there was less of that. Though in the worst, I thought I had made such a mistake, wished for a miscarriage to "undo" it all. At the very worst I did wish that time too that I would die. After I found out I was carrying twins, then I was more scared and just wanted us all to be ok. Sadly, with the post partum complications there were times the depression and PTSD afterwards also had me again consolling myself with suicide.
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Postby HelenA » Feb 05, 2007 2:32 am

With Kimi, yes, I did think about it. Especially at 10 weeks when I had been to the dr 4 days in a row and to the out of hours clinic because I hadn't eaten or drank anything in those 4 days, no wait, hadn't kept anything down, I did try to eat and drink. One night I was so weak, and so sick (day 5) that I just hoped that it would all end. I told DH I couldn't do it any more, I was delirious and told him that either the baby dies or I do. The next day I went into hospital and got IV's (After begging the dr for a referral) And after that I felt a little better about things, still sick, but better than the dehydrated mess I'd become.

With JJ it was different, it was more of a case of I didn't want to face it so soon after having Kimi, and although I was medicated from the off this time I still wished it hadn't happened so soon, and although I didn't wish anything to happen with her, I think at the time when it was at it's worst, I probably wouldn't have minded if anything happened.
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Postby sarahkate » Feb 05, 2007 4:11 am

Yes, I thought about it. I especially thought about termination, which morally horrified me. The first few weeks of the hyperemesis I remeber just crying and clinging on to the settee at home and begging my partner if he was there, and God the rest of the time, to make it all over. It eased a little wen the HG eased but when I started talking about it again at 16 weeks I was admitted straight away for IVs. The emotional pain, I guess, was better when I was hydrated.

Occasionally I wished I could get back to work only because more reliable methods of suicide could be found there. I didn't want, when I thought about it, it not to work.

Now I cuddle Freya and tell her I'm so sorry. But you're right Jenny, these thoughts are normal, and I'm so glad I somehow got through them.

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Postby 3kids » Feb 05, 2007 5:11 am

I didn't think about any of the three and definitely had true, severe HG (still going on), I think only because I've already had 3 m/c's and a sick/disabled child. Had I not have had those experiences, I probably would have thought about it.

My HG lasts until delivery and there were many days in the *really* bad days where I cried with desperation because there isn't the same treatment and meds in the UK that there are in other countries, so really we're left to just struggle on. Times I didn't know how I was going to make it through the next 5 minutes, but I didn't think of death, terminating or m/c. I can TOTALLY see how one might get to that point and really do not blame them for it, this is a terrible, terrible curse.

The closest I have come to praying for an "out" was for early delivery. They won't induce here until 10-14 days overdue. Jack came a bit too early for my liking (33w3d), but that was because he was very ill - I will be very honest though, when we knew he was going to be delivered by c-sec, whether we liked it or not, the second thing I thought (after please let him be ok) was thank god HG will be over. Katie came naturally at 37w1d and again I was so relieved it was over, but felt guilty. I'm 34w3d now and even though I know term will be best for my baby, I still would like him/her 2-3 weeks early.
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Postby octobermomma » Feb 05, 2007 8:20 am

I thought about it but I guess in a different way. I thought I was going to die...didn't want to. I thought I was going to m/c and was worried that I would. As far as termination my thoughts were that they would try to talk me into it and that was somewhere I wasn't prepared to go.

So, as far as contemplating these as options, no. But thinking about them...yes, they were in my thoughts but more as worries than as options.
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Postby tatteredtoo » Feb 05, 2007 10:43 am

aaronsmommy wrote:Good idea!

My general feeling is that if the thought of termination never even crossed your mind, then you probably didn't have hyperemesis! I guess we'll see.

That is my opinion, too. Other than those who have already posted that they didn't, I haven't met anyone who hasn't thought about it before. Even the woman that I just met in my mom's group who hasn't ever been to the forums or anything but had HG with her first pregnancy... gosh, it was interesting. When we first met, I asked her how she felt about it. She gave me THAT look (if you know what I mean) and softly said, "I wished I was dead." I'm sure she saw me give that same look back and I told her I had been there, too. I don't think anyone but an HG sister could understand that death is only a wish to end the suffering, not to end our lives.

Honestly, in my first two pregnancies, miscarriage and termination never entered my mind. People even asked me if I would consider termination and my reply was that it simply isn't an option. I did pray for death sometimes. I figured, if I died, they could somehow save the baby and all my suffering would end.
However, in my third pregnancy, was completely unprepared physically, mentally and emotionally. I think I literally went crazy when HG started and I did contemplate termination. Unfortanely for me, I had the option to follow through that time because the baby wasn't there in the first place. I did have the medically induced miscarriage after confirmation that there wasn't a baby. :(
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Postby NurseLiz » Feb 05, 2007 10:57 am

Sometimes still do..
Too embarassed to post more..
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Postby TwoIsEnough » Feb 05, 2007 11:09 am

With Avery, I had never thought of those things. I was so worried for her and didn't believe that a baby could survive what I was going through. I often found myself saying I had to be strong for her and not give up, but most days I was on the edge. When I went into labor in early July (she wasn't due until later in Sept.) I feared losing her and that was the hardest. After having her, the reminders of hg weren't so bad, just the reminders of the mag they gave me to stop labor.
I had fears of getting pg again, but my DH and I wanted two children so badly...and we were going for a 2 year gap. We contemplated for awhile because of my pg with Avery, but decided to go for it (now a three year gap).
I was adopted, and terminating a pg was something I never would think about. My adoptive mom lost three babies (after they were born) and I know what that has done to her.
When I got pg this time and the hg settled in (quickly), I started having regrets. I began feeling guilty and upset for Avery...as though having her wasn't good enough. I haven't ever thought about terminating, but I began having thoughts of life going "back to normal" if this pg didn't make it. Then I would cry and get angry at myself for thinking "such a horrible thing." I wasn't about to ever share these thoughts with anyone, not even my DH. So I hid my thoughts, my guilt and began to look at myself as being selfish for dreaming of life without hg and this pg.
I had my big breakdown and during that my husband made a remark about questioning the idea of having a second child. I was so thankful that he too had a least had some thoughts questioning our decision. However, our questions were all due to the hg. I shared my thoughts with him finally, then began to push myself to think of the joy that Avery has brought and if I made it through that I could make it through this one.
I definately have days where I wish it was over and I could go back and erase everything from November 2006 (when I became pregnant), but I try to think that I can go through 9 months of hell for this baby to be able to have a wonderful life.
This pg though has made us decide we are done having children, even if we have another girl (which means the last name will no longer be carried down as my husband is the only male left with the last name). Since I don't have luck with birth control, and I don't want to trust the ol trojan, we are in the midst of making permanent plans. I can't imagine having an unexpected pg, and hg...i think that I would have thoughts of termination on a daily basis then.
I am glad to see that others go through some of the same feelings and that it is normal...not selfish to think those things. Hang in there girls share your thoughts and feelings. I have noticed on here that no thought or feeling is abnormal, bad, strange, selfish, etc.

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Postby becca93 » Feb 05, 2007 11:18 am

Considered all 3.

When I fell down some stairs late 2nd tri, I *know* there was a moment in the first week after it happened, what with all the people asking "how on earth did that happen?!" that I wondered whether on some level I had done it on purpose.

Now I know with confidence that I'm just an unlucky klutz :)
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Postby rjdecker » Feb 05, 2007 11:21 am


I have been thinking a lot about this issue lately. Yes, I thought about termination, at least with the first baby. The first time I thought about it, I was horrified at myself. I could not understand why I would think this! I had a home health nurse who helped me a little with those feelings. He came over to help me with my IV and after it was all set up, he asked me what my worst fears were at that moment. I told him I was afraid I was going to die and that I wanted to terminate the baby. He helped me through those feelings. I will never forget that nurse.

But there were times in other pregnancies where the HG was written off as in my mind. I was really struggling when I was pg with Amy. It was dh that wanted me to terminate that pg. I was so sick and getting sicker, and the doc didn't seem to know what to do with me. He had never had to deal with an HGer before. I did tell dh no, that we could make it through. I am so glad we didn't, but I don't think anyone would have judged me at that point because it was so bad. Except maybe my own mom. She really struggles with the fact that we had considered termination as an option with any pg. I made the mistake of confiding in her how I had felt at that time. I don't talk about it anymore with her. She really freaks out.

But the most important thing I have learned, is HG is horrible! And I understand that any woman who does use that option, it is not my place to judge her, but to help her through it. Hg does terrible things, not just to our bodies, but to our pysch as well. I think coming here has helped me sort through those thoughts I had that horrified me. They don't horrify me anymore. Is that weird? I actually feel at peace. I no longer feel guilty for them.

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Postby mammaclare » Feb 05, 2007 1:54 pm

Wanted to terminate. Prayed for miscarriage so that I didn't hae to live w/ the guilt of a termination. Didn't want to die, in fact, was TERRIFIED that I would die...so that one I don't "qualify for".

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Postby jesspinky1 » Feb 05, 2007 2:10 pm

When pregnant with Hailey, I went so far as to make the appointment for termination. I did not go through with it though.

The twins, I just wished I would die, never considered termination with them.

With William (the worst pg) I wished for miscarriage and then prayed that it would not happen. I was so scared that it would happen because I wished it at a bad time. I also considered termination. I seriously thought about doing it and telling DH it was a miscarriage. I also thought about killing myself. I thought that everything would be much better without me. That my children would be happier if I was just gone then they could possibly be with me so sick. I thought DH could find himself a woman who didn't get sick to have children with.

Wow, getting that out is kind of a relief. But it forced me to face what I have been trying to repress. I really think I should see a councelor about my feelings. hmmm
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