A 2-yr. old?

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A 2-yr. old?

Postby Ivydragon » Dec 21, 2005 2:24 pm

Well, the gals on the Christmas card list and those who have read my posted Christmas letter in the "life" forum know that we included our interest to adopt in our Christmas letter. Asked to be kept in mind if anyone knew a young woman who was interested in placing a baby for adoption. . .

So, I sent my cards last week, and one of my old dear friends emailed me last night. She still lives in the town I grew up in, about an hour or so from me now. We email occassionally, she forwards stuff, and I get lots of pictures of her kids. We've known each other since I was 14. Anyways, so she writes and tells me she knows a 17-yr. old with a 2 yr. old boy who expressed interest in "getting rid of" him - the 17 yr olds words. Wanted to know if we'd like her to ask if she was serious.

Been really the first chance we've had to contemplate an adoption in a long time, so I thought I'd post about it. We've asked for more information, but really, everyone has a bad day - although I don't know of many moms who wish to "get rid of" their kids, even when really frustrated. I've heard reports of Miu saying the same about several of hers, and then she holds on as tight as she can if anyone takes her seriously, so I dunno what to think.

I know that things like this supposedly happen from time to time, and I knew something like this would have to happen for us to adopt anything but a baby here in the states, but I wouldn't ever feel comfortable approaching a single mom of a 2 yr. old about adopting, myself, and yet my friend is all ready to find out if this girl is serious or not.

I don't honestly know what to think. My husband is excited at the possibility, and we've agreed to look into every possibility, but there have been "possibilities" before, and nothing has come of it outside of being foster parents, but something's going to have to come of a possibility in order for us to adopt, so, I dunno. I think I'm just shocked. I'm afraid to get my hopes up - nearly determined pessimism.

Andy
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Postby dwtegli » Dec 21, 2005 5:23 pm

I don't blame you for being confused. I can't imagine seriously wanting to "give up" my child, but it does happen. Maybe ask her to check it out, but try not to get your hopes up. I know that is hard, but like you said, she could just be saying it. She could however be serious, and then you would have to make the decision. I would be more worried about her being serious, then changing her mind afterwards to be perfectly honest with you. Tread carefully my dear. We are here for you no matter what, remember that.
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Postby JennyK » Dec 21, 2005 5:43 pm

That news is both exciting and scary. You will never know what might have been if you don't inquire, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. If it looks good and you go for it, make sure you get a good lawyer who will be sure to get the mom's parental rights terminated. You'd obviously want to be sure she couldn't reappear and try to take the kid back. Good luck! What an exciting possibility to daydream about!
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Postby PamelaRose » Dec 21, 2005 10:46 pm

My husband's dream child! LOL It sounds like a sad situation, but things like that do happen. My SIL's brothers are both adopted, the older boy being put up for adoption when he was 3. It can't hurt to look into it, and you certainly won't be surprised if it doesn't pan out.
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Postby Ivydragon » Dec 22, 2005 2:33 am

Well, I know enough more to know that it wasn't a passing fancy comment. Evidentally it has been a subject of much debate for a while. It sounds like he is healthy for the most part. The mom might be talking to my friend soon about it, so we'll wait and see if anything comes of it. Evidentally has even considered foster care and isn't comfortable with that. My friend thinks she might be interested in adoptive placement if the mom knew he'd go to a good family. My husband is nearly distraught thinking that he won't know anything for a while, which just cracks me up, because I feel perfectly content to sit on the fence and wait and see come what may.

You know, Miu seemed serious about giving up Adam, right at the beginning, and then changed her mind and fought until the end when she DID voluntarily give him up - now I'm used to THAT! It's the ones that are serious all the way through that I'm not sure I can believe. I expect it to be hard to give a baby or child up - that's normal to me.

We'll see. I am positive we'll be adopting one day, and we might very well go through some more possibilities first. One of them is bound to go through. I hope staying a bit more distant this time round will help - getting so attatched with Adam was unavoidable since he was in our home, but also a very rocky road, and daydreaming that other possibilities would come to fruition didn't make those easy, either. No daydreaming here this time!

Andy
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Postby Ivydragon » Dec 23, 2005 2:30 am

Well, that was fast - friend talked to the Mom, who says she's going to try to get things together and work it out so she can keep him for now. At least she knows there would be an interested family. I'm not really surprised. It's Christmas, afterall. Maybe this was the needed impetus to help her see she really does want him and to make it work she's going to have to provide better for him.

So, safe bet to fence sit. We did have another acquaintance write about a newborn, but there is probably another interested couple before us, so we'll just have to wait and see. I'm just really happy to know that people are keeping us in mind. Something very much like one of these situations may very well become real for us. And it's an excellent reminder to me to get our paperwork moving on towards completion and our basement, too!

Thanks for all the well wishes. :) Always nice to get support from friends. I really feel ok about the whole thing.

Andy
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Postby Ivydragon » Mar 24, 2006 1:25 am

Yes, I am reviving this topic - so if anyone wants to go back and read the background, it's right above this message. :)

So, I find out the two-year old boy was voluntarily put into foster care 3-4 weeks ago, and that they are trying to get him back - pretty much once a child is in the foster system, a private adoption is out of the question, so we made one questioning phone call which didn't get us far, and figured it was out of the possibility . . .

. . . . until this morning, when my friend calls me and says, are you still interested in the 2 year old boy? If so, call this social worker, NOW! So, long story short, the little tyke isn't officially a ward of the state, yet, so a private adoption is NOT out of the realm of possibility, after all. The social worker has been pushing them towards an adoptive placement, and they pretty much have decided that's what's best. There is a couple about 3-4 hours away who they don't like, but ARE licensed, and we're about 2-4 weeks away from being licensed, so the state wants to ignore us and have them choose the other couple - except that they wanted to meet us, so we went to meet them this afternoon, and the birthmom likes us and wants to place with us. BUT - the social worker is meeting with this huge group on Tuesday to decide what to do with the 2 year old, and the shelter mom doesn't want to keep him much longer, and they don't want to put him into another placement while waiting for us, but might if the birthmom puts up a big enough stink about insisting on us, but the social worker still has a lot of influence, and so we don't know what will happen, AND we haven't met the child, and we'd like to in order to decide for ourselves if he's right for US!

Whew! So, um, if any of you are praying folk - I think we could certainly use a few, and, um, I'm gonna be a bit busy trying to get the basement done in a week instead of a month.

It's crazy.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Mom to Aidan & Daniel » Mar 24, 2006 3:40 am

Wow! Absolutely putting in lots of good vibes and good karma/prayers your way! Keep us posted!! How exciting!
How do you meet him without him knowing it's to possibly be adopted by you? I'm just wondering about protecting him from feeling rejected. But he's so young he'd probably not understand that that's why you're there?
i wonder about that in adoptions, about kids old enough to understand and feel rejected if they are not picked. I Know that with Chinese adoptions you don't get to meet the child beforehand, they are picked for you.
good luck!

hugs

Sarah
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Postby dwtegli » Mar 24, 2006 9:45 am

Oh Andy,

I am sending mucho prayers your way. Good luck. You deserve it.
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Postby Ivydragon » Mar 24, 2006 12:34 pm

Ah - I have children, we just get together to play. :) And he's only 2 1/2. Sometimes with older children, there are activities where lots of people are around, and so you can figure out what they are like without this huge going to be picked thing. I know that with some foreign adoptions, the children are brought to the U.S. on a trip to see the states, and have "host families" who are often considering them for adoptive placement, and the children do not know that.

Birthmom called our adoption worker first thing this morning, and they are setting her up with the birthmom counsellor as we speak. The whole thing might still not pan out, and we still haven't met him, and have some serious questions as to the extent of the damage with his teeth.

And, then my adoption worker told me that they were approached yesterday about a 4 yr. old boy who may be available. Life is certainly getting interesting.

Andy
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Postby Mom to Aidan & Daniel » Mar 24, 2006 2:44 pm

Oh that's good to hear that the kids are protected from feeling rejected! I'll be looking forward to hearing what happens!
good luck!

Hugs

Sarah
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Postby Atsie » Mar 24, 2006 10:23 pm

Andy that is so exciting. I am praying for you! I hope this works out for you.
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Postby carla » Mar 25, 2006 12:41 am

Good luck Andy!
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Postby krisalis » Mar 25, 2006 1:13 pm

I hope this all works out for you. It sounds like this little guy has been through a lot and could really use a family like yours to make him feel special. Best of luck.

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Postby Ivydragon » Mar 30, 2006 11:15 am

We took ourselves out of consideration for the 2 year old. :(

Our homestudy isn't yet done, and my fingerprints not yet back, and the social worker won't wait, so we've decided we shouldn't be considered as a placement for him. Disappointing.

Anyways, that's my update. Sorry I haven't been around, but if I can finish priming and painting over the weekend, I can get carpet installed on Monday or Tuesday and be moving furniture around in less than a week - which would give me two weeks to rearrange and clean before our homestudy. Sounds like such a luxury, two whole weeks.

Andy
Last edited by Ivydragon on Mar 30, 2007 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Mom to Aidan & Daniel » Apr 04, 2006 3:36 am

I'm following this exciting thread about a possible addition to your family! Wow, a 4-year-old! I'm absolutely interested in an older child myself, so I will be following along in your journey as you travel further along! Yes, I can understand wondering about the dynamics of having kids of similar ages adjusting to one another. Keep us posted!

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Postby Kariinbliss » Jul 24, 2006 7:05 pm

So how is everything going for you, Andy? I'm just starting to think about adopting (dh is remaining silent at this point... geeesh), and wonder how on earth do you even get started? I'm in ID too and have no stinkin clue what to do. (aside from see if dh is on the same page with this. lol) Help? Hope you are doing well, and things are moseying right along for you! Take care!
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 28, 2006 1:15 pm

You're in ID? Way cool! You'll have to tell me where - Private Message me if you want on that.

We started by investigating all known available options to us. First, you have to get on the same page, but in the meantime, you can think about some of the following:

Domestic or Foreign - there's a cost difference, open adoption difference, age difference, etc.

Do you care what race?

Do you care what age?

Do you care what sex the child is?

What type of background are you willing to accept - physical, mental, or emotional handicaps ok, or not?

Would you be willing to become foster parents in order to adopt?

How do you feel about open adoption, closed adoption?

Agency, or independent adoption if you go domestic?

I'm out of things off the top of my head. There are more. We know people in adoption - foreign adoption, instate domestic adoption, we've been foster parents, and even know some about the training process in Idaho, because we looked into it. We can hook you up with ways to get more info. I also called all the adoption agencies I could find in my local phone book, and asked questions and asked for information packs. Some of them turned us right off, and we kept pursuing the path of least resistance for us, and it got us Adam. This time we're going according to faith - strong feelings pulling us to the right agency at the right time - and faith that it'll come through when it's meant to. I'm posting a new thread about where we are in our progress, so check that out, too.

I love talking about adoption - ask away!

Oh, incidentally, we have an open adoption.

Hugs, Andy
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Postby Kariinbliss » Jul 28, 2006 5:10 pm

Thanks for the info, Andy! I'm near Twin Falls... look at my screen name and you'll figure out where... LOL! We are in the process of buying a house right now, so once we do, we'll get it all fixed up and hopefully ready for a little one! We do want a baby, which is going to make it seriously difficult... or maybe up to 2 would be ok. Boy or girl doesn't matter. Race might be a tricky one, as we'd like the baby to look something like one of us. Not that everyone in town wouldn't know the baby was adopted... they've gone through the last 3 partial pgs, hg and my tubal ligation with us! (blessings of a small town...lol) Anyhow, one thing at a time... we've got to get the house thing done! Tons of luck to you during this whole process!!

BTW... I was adopted at 6 wks, and have talked with my b-mom over e-mail. She is an awful, horrid woman, so we don't have contact right now. Her sister, however, is WONDERFUL and so are my cousins. :-) What a blessing!
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 28, 2006 5:57 pm

My sister in law would no doubt know where you live. She married a Murtaugh (sp?) guy, and they live in Twin Falls. My parents lived there for a while before I was born (but moved to Portland before my birth). Small world. I can remember when they were dating, and we'd have to drive her up to Murtaugh to see him. I've actually been to some great H.S. basketball games in that area because she just had to be there when his brother played in the game!

We have a friend up here who is an adoption worker for an agency that places infants from Idaho. The agency covers the whole state. I can't remember if all of the prospective couples are in Idaho or not. Let me know if you want their contact information. A couple of years ago their cost were around $7,500, which is really quite reasonable for a domestic adoption. We used their agency to get our foreign exchange student - the other thing they do. We seriously considered adopting through them, and then decided that it wasn't the right path for us. You can be as picky as you want. It's ok to want a child who looks like your family, and an infant. I think that is quite common. Despite not really caring if they looked like us or not, we got one that does, people just assume Adam is ours - you can see for yourself if you look at our adoption profile link in the other message in adoption. They are often surprised that he's adopted, because they think he looks so much like us. Then they take a good look at the other two and wonder if they are bio or adopted, too. It's rather funny to me, because none of them look like me! Maybe adopting this time with fix that, but I seriously doubt it, lol.

Andy
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