A real possibility?

Share your questions about and experiences with adoption or surrogacy pregnancy alternatives.

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Postby nomore » Feb 08, 2007 1:17 pm

Andy

I dont know how I missed your updates. Im so sorry its still such a rollercoaster. :cry:

Praying... and knowing at the right time, God will add the right child to you family.

:hugs:
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 09, 2007 11:03 am

Oh, Zoe, I didn't reallize you'd had a loss last month. You have my most heartfelt sorrows. I lost a baby in 03, after 2 years of planning. I am so sorry for your loss.

The roller coaster previous to placement has been way worse than when we were waiting as foster parents. We've had outright lies about fictional babies, friends with huge hopes but no actions unwilling to approach someone about us, rude social workers, unresponsive social workers, polite social workers, jailed birthmothers, birthfathers with drug habits or guns, homeless birthparents, birthparents who have lost children before but are determined to fight this time, people who have told us our youngest's behavior problems are because he knows he's adopted and we talk with his birthmom, people who warn us not to pursue a certain adoption because of the extended family who'd be supposedly intrusive and bossy, a single pregnant gal admitting to us that whenever she sees us she thinks she ought to give us her baby, but won't because she's too selfish, friends who washed their hands of children, and then later considered taking them instead of backing us as placement, and a friend who didn't tell us about a daughter's pregnant friend who was considering adoption to save us from another roller coaster! People think we only want a boy, or only want a baby, or only want such and such a thing, and we find out because one of 5 actually come to us and say, "but I heard you only wanted" so we could set them straight.

Every time something "adoption" comes up, the world stops spinning, and it's all we focus on. If I wasn't so convinced that our family is not complete, I would have quit by now. At this point, with so many dead ends, we are beginning to believe that the one that doesn't slam a door in our face before we even get a chance at being "matched" with a child is the one God means for us to pursue to the end. And there is still a possibility that before the adoption is finalized, people will change their minds. . . there are stories all the time of birthparents who chang their minds. Less doubtful with this 5 year old, but the birthparents haven't exactly signed their rights away, yet, either.

At least I'm busy, 16 piano students, Adam in Kindergarten, Aaron and Anna to supervise with homeschool, lots of church music resposibilites, and a household to run. That, and I'm trying to spend all my extra time scrapbooking - gotta try to get more caught up before we actually DO add another child to the family. . . at least I'm still convinced that it will happen, lol.

Huge hugs, and know that time does help with the ability to cope with loss. Life moves forward - and I found it best to move forward with it.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Mom to Aidan & Daniel » Feb 09, 2007 2:43 pm

I'm so sorry it's been so hard!! I hope that it will work out soon! I had no idea that it was so difficult, considering how many children need homes! Meantime, there are awful foster home situations and instability for so many kids on waiting lists!
Many hugs :hugs:
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 11, 2007 11:51 am

Zoe--

Yeah, it bugs me, the way family can step in and take a child after all the fostering's been done, especially without the foster parents knowing. I've seen that happen here in the states too.

Yes, Adam is in public kindergarten! One of the best things I've ever done. I pretty much lost December to disciplining him. If he's bored for a moment, he decides to be trouble for the day. I can hardly wait for 1st grade. He's more affectionate since he's gone to kindergarten, but he can still be trouble. If I just keep him busy, and out of the house as much as possible, we might both survive his childhood. Just after Christmas, we decided that his world needed to be turned upside down, twice, just for good measure. Step 1: Kindergarten. Step 2: Adopting. He's been the baby far longer than ever intended.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 12, 2007 11:42 am

We went to a movie as a family in December, and I took a look at Adam after we'd walked into the theatre, and thought, "Hey, he's cute!" Suddenly I could actually see the cute little 5 year old who everyone else saw! Then I thought, no fair. I see this cute little 5 year old for a few minutes over months of time, and the rest of the time I'm glad he's outta my hair, or he's in trouble. I decided that wasn't fair to me, and I needed him to go away so that I could enjoy being with him. I didn't miss him until he'd been in school for almost a month! Now I get to be the fun mom who puts snacks in his lunch, and $ for popcycles, and I get to cheer at his grades, and he can't hate me for his homework, because his teacher writes down all of the instructions, and I can blame her!

It's fantastic! He's still manipulative, especially when he's been home for a few days, but he went from worst behaved in our home to one of the best behaved at school, and I think that makes a real difference.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 14, 2007 4:30 pm

So, are you worried about summer break?!? I'm terrified. I'm already thinking ahead in my thoughts about how I'm going to cope this summer. I might have no choice but to be super busy all summer with the kids - swimming lessons, crafts, attending every free movie day, library, play dates, gardening, yard work, riding bicycles, lunch at the school (they do that here - free lunch for kids all summer, for whoever wants to go). If I can just keep him busy enough, hopping from one thing to another, he might just be too busy to manipulate too much.

I used to think Mom's were nuts saying that they couldn't homeschool because they couldn't stand it if their kids were home all the time, because I love having my kids at home - but now . . . I get it, I so get it! I can get so much more done - Anna stays focused, Aaron relaxes, even Alden's less uptight. It's amazing how much one person can change the dynamic of a family - and having Adam in school keeps it balanced a bit better.

We've discovered a great new thing to do together, he loves to help me cook! He's a fantastic pancake flipper, and he wants to help until the meal is done with stirring, or watching pots, or whatever! That'll be great especially when he's older, and it's already helped free up my hands to do something else. If we're able to adopt this 5 year old, I'm thinking he should go to school, too - a friend suggested separate class rooms, too, so they could have some time together at home, and then different kids at school, different teachers, homework, etc. to deal with separately. Not a bad idea.

Huge hugs, *I am not alone* thanks!

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 15, 2007 4:09 pm

If they say no, you'll move on. I don't know if they can say no because a child is difficult already, but you never know. I have a friend with the same fear, actually, worried that a current child who is awful, and recently adopted will prevent them from ever adopting again. Tough place to be in.

There is hope . . . that they really don't believe how hard she is. Many people don't believe me about Adam at all - they think it's me. I'd believe that if he was my first . . . but he's not, and the behaviors I describe to parents of teenagers are very similar to what their kids are doing - not neccessarily friends with 5 year olds. :P

Andy
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 17, 2007 10:36 am

Adam truly believes that he is smarter than anyone else in the family. Quite frustrating, really. He breaks rules whenever he thinks he has a better reason for not keeping them than keeping them - and sometimes that reason is for the pure enjoyment of making me mad. Drives me crazy.

Andy
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Postby Jenny » Feb 17, 2007 1:45 pm

Ivydragon wrote:Adam truly believes that he is smarter than anyone else in the family. Quite frustrating, really. He breaks rules whenever he thinks he has a better reason for not keeping them than keeping them - and sometimes that reason is for the pure enjoyment of making me mad. Drives me crazy.

Andy


Sorry to bust in on your conversation, but I have never heard Christopher described so perfectly! I swear, this is him!!!!!!! OMG!!

MOMS UNITE!
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 18, 2007 8:06 pm

So, Jenny, I excitedly glance down to see how old your Chris is - and then I think all the blood drained out of my face . . . you mean, Adam could be like this . . . forever? :( :shock: :cry: Whaaaa!

You're welcome to join the discussion . . . ;) So, did he start young?

Zoe - ooo, a baby boy, how exciting. You said special needs, right? What are his?

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Jenny » Feb 18, 2007 8:11 pm

Oh yes, he has always been that way. I have recently (maybe I waited way too long) started talking to him about recognizing social ques and knowing when what he thinks is important for that moment may not be as important for the entire group. (These conversations began when he barged into my room at midnight and loudly asked if we had a second ironing board that he could take with him when/if he moves out) then the next day when Zach was really upset and crying about a situation with his brother, and he barged in asking if his belt matched his shoes. urgh.


Glad to see you are all making progress toward adoption. We keep signing up for classes then chickening out.
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Postby Ivydragon » Feb 18, 2007 8:21 pm

So what's up with the signing up, then chickening out thing? What is unsettling you?

I am beginning to wonder how I'm going to survive Adam's childhood without a really good psychologist.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Jenny » Feb 18, 2007 8:24 pm

For you or him? lol!!!

Well we get our hopes up and dashed so often with ttc. So when our hopes are up, we think we want that, then when they are down, we know we just want kids in this house ya know? Then we think about adoption as our best hope, and as also providing a loving home to those kids since I worked at cps for two years, I know the need. Then I start to think dang, my kids are growing up and moving out, should we just be done? I keep going back and forth.
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