Wishing for my Casey

[justme]

Dear Dr. Phil and staff,

There are no words that can help one understand what it is like to lay in bed and feel death approaching, to feel your mind shattering, and to see the terror that has taken over ones life when HG is involved. There are no words to describe the physical pain, the mental pain, the emotional pain. There are no words to express the terror that happens when you find yourself thinking, as you stand at the top of your stairs, "if I could just throw myself down, my pain would end." And there are no words to describe the moment when you look at your husband and say, "Please, when I am dead, make sure you tell Riley that I love her every day and she will be with her mommy and sibling in heaven." And there are no words to describe what it is like to open your phone book and try to learn how one would go about getting a termination . . .

I could tell you the facts: I started my pregnancy at 165 lbs. After vomiting sometimes more than 20 times a day, I ended my pregnancy at 140 lbs. My resting heartrate was over 130 bpms. There was dizziness, fainting, blood, bile, cramping, hospitals . . . but you will never understand the fear and pain of the possibility of death until you have truly experienced it. There are no words.

Yesterday my beautiful baby would have been 6 months old. But at ten weeks, as we sought to get a termination because of hg, we learned that our baby had died at 6 1/2 weeks. The closest words I have ever been able to find have been in the poems that I have written . . . so this is for Casey who waits in heaven, for Riley who has lost a sibling, for Tim who has lost a child, and for me who has lost everything, and for all so that they will never have to try and find the words . . .

I wish . . .

I wish that my doctors would have listened more and tried harder when I told them something was desperately wrong with my pregnancy

I wish that I had called more doctors and begged for more help

I wish that I had fought harder, prayed better, suffered more, and done more to bring my baby into this world

I wish that when my parents asked if I needed help, I would have said yes and that they would have been able to come and make it better like when I was little

I wish that I had told more people, gotten more help and not have had to worry about losing my job, hospital bills, and not being able to take care of my daughter

I wish that I knew more about the disorder and how bad it could be, and how I could get help

I wish that I knew it could be oh so much worse than the first time

I wish that I could sit up without vomiting, stand without feeling like I was going to pass out, and be able to experience the joy of life while creating a new one

I wish that I hadn’t wanted so badly to die rather than experience the physical pain that I was going through

I wish that my husband didn’t have to decide to save his wife or have his baby

I wish that it didn’t cost so little to terminate a pregnancy, and cost so much to try and bring my baby into this world

I wish that my body was able to give my baby a nurturing environment to grow, instead of a hostile environment that caused it to die

I wish that my baby knew that it was loved and that it was part of a family

I wish that I had never tried to get pregnant

I wish that in a few months I would be able to hold my baby

Please, let's all unite together to do everything we can to help prevent women from suffering, and to bring their babies safely home.

Karen

[Princesshood]

Karen ~ I'm crying for you. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your angel. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sara