Did you ever consider termination or wish for a miscarriage?

[tatteredtoo]

Liz, you don't have any need to feel embarrassed, but I completely understand if you're not ready to share feelings about this topic yet. It IS one of the hardest topics to discuss about HG, in my opinion. Just know that you're loved and not alone.

Is it odd that I think this is the best thread that I've seen yet on these forums? I don't know why. I suppose it's that we are all welcome to share our thoughts and feelings on what would normally be harshly judged topic on any other forum and not one person has said or done anything 'wrong' here because we know the horrors of HG and what that can ultimately lead to, whether it's thoughts or actions. We're all loved and cared about and it feels great to share that with instant understanding.

I did want to mention one more thing that I read after I posted last time. I wished and prayed to die, but at other points I was so scared that I was going to that I prayed that I wouldn't. I know I went back and forth throughout my pregnancies. Did others have the flip-flop feelings, too?

[Kenderyl]

Did others have the flip-flop feelings, too?

I know that I had flip-flop emotions. Sometimes I wanted desperately to die and end the suffering and others I was distraught that I might and actually began several stages of the grieving process in anticipation that I might, which included the pleas to God that I'd be okay in the end.

[Cheri]

Yes to all three.

1st time-wanted to miscarry
2nd time-wanted to die but baby to be ok
3rd time-told dh to just put me out of my misery many times...thought of termination crossed my mind.

After the loss, and with better managed hg...I don't think I've wished for any of them in subsequent pregnancies.

[justme]

I was compltely surprised, and terrorized, by how awful my hg was the second time around. We did think about terminating (even made an appointment), I begged to die, and prayed to miscarry. Anything to end the misery that I was experiencing and to protect my dd, who was greatly being traumatized by the whole experience. I was in intense physical pain, could not function on even the most basic level, and developed a very severe cause of perinatal depression. But after having experiences all of this, and having had a missed miscarriage - I would like to think that no matter how bad it got, I would never have any of those thoughts again. But my family and neighbors and coworkers all thought I was literally going to die in a matter of days. And we were so afraid of what the baby was experiencing - was it experiencing the intense pain that I felt, were my very extreme emotions damaging the baby, how was it growing okay when I could eat or drink NOTHING? So in some ways, the thoughts of wanting to miscarry/terminate were also about trying to protect our baby - as bizarre as that must sound. I think it can be especially horrifying if you don't know what is going on, this hg stuff - which we did not.

[jackie]

Is it odd that I think this is the best thread that I've seen yet on these forums?

I was just thinking the same thing reading everyone's responses. I thought about termination sometimes every day and sometimes once a week when I felt like I was going to die. Sometimes I wished I could somehow die but keep the baby alive. I felt like I had cancer or some terminal disease. I understand how people condone euthanasia (sp?). I always knew I wouldn't have another abortion after the first one (due to severe HG and no treatment). I just kept telling myself that the emotional pain afterwards would never go away and the HG would. I also suffered a non-HG related miscarriage two years before my pg, but still prayed for a miscarriage. I would then feel enormous guilt for praying for one and pray that my baby would be okay. No one else understands and I mean NO ONE.

[JasmineHG]

yup- and this was the only place i could even hint at those feelings without being shunned and making loved ones angry and defensive. I never said all my feelings out-right...but made clear hints here on the boards. everyone understood that they were feelings and helped me through...

[JennyK]

Yes to all three with my first pregnancy. I also had a secret plan to deliver and run away, never to be heard from again because of my resentment toward the baby.

Not so much with my second even though it was the worse of my two pregnancies. The second time I signed up for HG and was as prepared as I could be to deal with it. I was terrified of miscarrying because I wanted another child so badly and didn't know if I'd have the strength to start over. I was also terrified of dying and leaving Annie without a mom to the point where I considered terminating after the first time they thought I might be septic from my PICC. I never harbored any resentment toward the baby with the second pregnancy.

[C&G'sMommy]

I've thought about still do, which is horrible since I do loosing a child from HG, but sometimes I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle this for as many weeks as I have and all want to do is give up. With my first pg I was worse and it did happen, I still blame myself for that in some ways, but that's a whole other depressing story.

[NurseNicole]

No I never thought of a miscarriage. I don't know why it just never crossed my mind to "wish" for one. I was worried about the baby but obstetrically I was always GREAT (until further along)

As far as termination goes. I never considered having an abortion. I did want it just to be over and I didn't care how. I would say please just let me be over this. I STILL just want it to be over. Obviously I wouldn't have an abortion at 33 weeks, BUT I wish to go into early labor or be induced early and don't much care about the what if's. I figure because I have been so sick he is having repricutions anyway and my body isn't taking care of him properly so he mine as well come out.

I thought about death ALOT...my own. I started off thinking OMG, I could die of amniotic fluid embolism. (a girl from my HS board died of it last year and another suffered from it but survived) Then I got sick FAST. There were times at my sickest when I PLEADED with God to either make it stop or just take me. I thought about smashing my van. I was petrified of losing my kids and them not having a mommy but didn't want to continue. When I had my PICC line I thought about giving myself heperin to anti-coagulate myself. I thought about how easy it would be to be done with it with a centeral line.

I came extremely close to death and didn't even realize it until I was in the hospital. THAT scared the crap out of me.

The problem is I want it to be OVER so badly I really don't care of the effects right now. I don't even feel guilty about it. which is SICK, and logically I KNOW this. I'm the type of Mom that gives up everything for her kids, they ALWAYS come first ect... This TIME I just simply want it over.

I'm sure I will feel guilty if anything is wrong with him at birth. I did with my 2nd dd which I had mild HG with. I blamed myself for her illnesses. she is STILL my sickest kid. (I wasn't early with her, I was actually overdue)

[anji]

My 1st trip to ER, as I laid there about to get jabbed with the IV, I thought:

I don't want to be pregnant anymore. Why can't I leave my own body? Well, only one way to achieve that: death. Can they administer euthanasia through my IV?

then:

How about an abortion? They can do that in ERs, can't they?

[Jenny]

You girls have been so wonderfully honest thank you so much!!! Anyone else want to join in?

[mmichelle]

I hate to say it but honestly during the first trimester and part of the second it was a daily thought. My dh and I actually got into a huge fight over it because I told him I couldn't do it anymore and I was going to find some place where I could terminate the pregnancy. When he told me that I couldn't do it...it led to a big fight with the its my body and I am the one who is going to be miserable for the next 9 months you don't get a say. When I started bleeding I was so hopeful that I was having a miscarriage that I was actually disappointed when they said that the baby was okay and that it was a placental abruption. I still on my bad days have thoughts that I wish I had ended it when I had the opportunity, but then she wiggles or I think of the little girl growing within me and I feel bad. I think that when you are this miserable it is really hard to remain postative and want something that makes you so sick.

[Thisbattymom]

When I was younger (like teen) I was a big supporter of Planned Parenthood & very pro-choice b/c I believed that I would have an abortion if I ever got pregnant. Then I got pregnant... and never doubted that I wanted my baby = I changed my stand on abortion. I did refer to my baby as "The Parasite" during the worst moments, when I doubted that either of us would live, but even when the Dr suggested abortion as a "cure" I didn't consider that an option.
I did often think about dying. I did fear my child being born w/ many severe deformities due to my health condition. I was plagued with nightmares of people being tortured & murdered... and I feared that it would somehow make her a criminal. The fear, pain, lack of support, blood, etc made it impossible for me to think clearly or enjoy the pregnancy at all = I thought about death a LOT and avoided dealing with what was going on. I regret that. HG robs a person of the "joy" of becoming a mother and leaves terror behind. I wish I could have had "hope" while pregnant... maybe that would have made me feel differently during and after the pregnancy.

I voted "yes". Not because I thought about terminating my pregnancy but b/c I did worry about dying all the time.

[Mausburger5]

I answered no on the poll. I put it down to plain stubbornness.

To be completely accurate, I did think about death and termination, but only to conclude that they weren't options. I just had to get through it and tough it out. I never worried or wished for miscarriage. I had absolutely no doubts about the baby-- she was kicking my butt! I knew she'd be fine.

Susan

[TraciWilliams2]

As hard as it is to admit, I thought about all of them. We even went to our doctor (both of us in tears) saying we couldn't do it anymore. It was then that she became our hero and said she would keep us both alive. And through every turn we thought it would get better and it would just get worse. I thought about each one so many times, praying for it to just end. I had people just saying to terminate and that I could do it again, they just had no idea what we HG'ers go through. Now I feel guilty as can be about it, but it is reality and what we have went through to bring our babies into this world.

[PamelaRose]

Yes, but not as seriously as some. I wavered between praying to live and hoping to die with the first pregnancy, when I had no idea what was going on. Termination was never a thought, not because of any moral stance, but because I have no clue how to even go about lining one up in such a way that doesn't involve a 3-hour drive there and back. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. But when I started spotting with the last pregnancy, much the way I had with the miscarried pregnancy, I was thrilled because I figured it meant an escape to HG. And at the end of the pregnancy, I gave in and was induced at 39 weeks despite my personal oposition to early induction. For the most part, though, HG was an out-of-body experience. I detached as much as possible and just trudged through. I have a difficult time recalling the worst parts of my pregnancies now--probably a good thing.

[Ben's Mom]

I don't know how to answer the question about abortion and miscarriage... We struggled with infertility and I had a miscarriage, so our baby was very, very, very planned. I remember thinking that if I hadn't tried so hard to get pregnant, I might terminate because the suffering was too much. And I never wished for a miscarriage. Only because the grief that came with my first loss was much worse than the HG for me. (I'm not saying that it *is* worse -- everyone has a different tolerance for physical and emotional pain. But for me the grief was unbearable). Does that make sense?

As far as wanting to die... Yes, every day!! I wished there was a way I could die and the baby would stay alive. Then... I was watching a crime show where a woman was raped while she was in a coma. And they were keeping her alive for the baby. I couldn’t believe how envious I was of the comatose woman on the show!!

Then... some major political figure was in the news when I was pregnant. He was in a medically induced coma. That became my dream -- a medically induced coma until I delivered my baby. That wasn't one of the answers, but that is what I thought of the most -- more than death, miscarriage or termination.

[pumpkinhead]

Oh definitely. I remember saying "If I were a horse, they'd have shot me by now" in complete serious to my husband. I was actually told I was probably miscarrying due to low HCG levels and I was secretly glad. I have horrible guilt about that still and did then. Logically, I know it's still, but there it is.

[pumpkinhead]

Praying to live and hoping to die was very much how it was for me.

[twillow]

I don't always go daytripping into the life folder, but I'm so glad that I caught wind of this poll. DH and I said that after Seth was born (HG and bad delivery) that we would NEVER have another natural child, that we would adopt. After 3 years of people telling us "every pregnancy is different" we decided that given our ages, it was getting to be time to really make a decision. We tried for 5 months on our own, had a miscarriage, and concieved this baby on a round of Clomid. This was a very wanted pregnancy, and I spent the first 2 weeks after my BFP worrying that I was going to miscarry because I was having brown CM. Then the sickness began... I was a little relieved in the beginning, because I knew that my sickness was a good sign of a viable pregnancy. Funny how 1 week and three trips for rehydration can change your views on things. From that point on, every few days I would beg my DH for us to abort the baby. I thought, this is God getting us back for going against his wishes and getting pregnant with help. I should have just taken the sign that we did not get pregnant as his will, or a warning. I have thought many times about how easy it would be to just have another miscarriage and how the nausea would end. As for dying myself, I asked routinely to be taken out back and shot - but I really think that I was more afraid that I really was going to die, because for many weeks, even with a great doc and somewhat aggressive treatment, I wasn't getting anywhere close to any better. I still feel no real attachment to this baby, but I know that that will change with time. I am SOOO relieved to know that I am not abnormal for having had these feelings. Thanks everyone for being so honest. It really helps when you're still in the thick of it.

Tiffany