by Kev's_girl » Apr 25, 2007 2:36 am
Honestly, yes, I've thought about all three. Termination being the least of them, but miscarriage and death?? Yes.... still do.
It's something I can't even say outloud, and won't, but when I'm at my worst and crying, and my husband is holding me and I say over and over, "I just can't do this anymore," I know he can see in my eyes what I'm thinking. We both agree that termination is not an option unless my life is seriously threatened... even then I can't imagine what a horrible decision that would be to make, and my heart goes out to all of you that have had to make that decision.
My thoughts don't start out with, "wish I was having a miscarriage", but when the nausea/vomiting is at it's worst, I think about how there's no way our baby will be able to survive what my body is going through, and then I worry that I'll have a miscarriage, then I think that the suffering would be over if that happened. It's always directly related to having this horrible suffering be over with. Including the times that I wonder if this will kill me.
I think alot about what Kevin would do if something happened to me and the baby, and what my family would do. I don't want to die, and I don't want to lose this baby. But you can't help but think sometimes that you can't go on like this. It's difficult just to think about now, and type this out, because I know that this should be the happiest time of my life, and it just isn't. That is awfully depressing to me right now.
The only hope that I have is that I will have a healthy baby boy, and when I hold him in my arms, I will instantly love him and know that this was all worth it.
Amber
Anthony Joseph - 9/5/07 - HG till the end!