Hyperemesis Gravidarum Support and Research Forums

What, in your opinion, would be the best way for us, the HG women, to talk to our husbands about what is happening with us and to ask for their support?

My husband tries to be supportive, but often isn't. I have sent him links to this site, I have printed up information for him, I have even set my laptop in his hands open to this page. He is preferring to be in denial, and then questions why I am still sick. Even getting him in to see the NP w/ me is proving beyond impossible. Seeking support is often a mix of actually getting support but being sad I have to ask for it, and anger from him because he is sick of it and of me being sick.

So...I decide to come to the source and say, how did you end up here and being supportive? Maybe I am coming at this all wrong, and maybe I need to see it from the husbands perspective.

Thank you

Brandi, this is a great question and I'll be very interested to read your responses!

Amanda

I'm going to have to get Steve to post on this one. He is very supportive. I know that I require A LOT of patience, so I am not sure how he does it. I'll get him to post tonight.

I have been thinking about this situation. I can't see any reason for any of us husbands to not support our poor Hg wifes in a time like this. Pretty sure it was in my contract ( in sickness and in health ). I would and have done anything and everything to try and make my wife more comfortable. I know she would do the same for me. Having children is a 50/50 split; I am not capable of sharing 50% of this illness right now, so all I can do is make 100% effort into making my wife feel more comfortable. If your husband isn't making an effort, you should ask him if having this child is what he really wants. If the answer is YES, tell him to pull his head out of his ass and starting working at this. Sorry to be blunt, but there really should be no excuses for any less than 100% support.

I sooooo agree with this last post and know my dh would too.

My problem is my husband tries to be supportive. I give him an A+ for effort, but sometimes I really just want to be left alone. He wants to be there for me every second and when I'm puking I don't want someone rubbing my back. It seems to make it worse. I tried to explain it to him and he's gets his feelings hurt for a bit and then is right back doing it again. Any suggestions for the too suportive hubbie?

My DH was very supportive when I was sick last time, but this time he just doesn't seem to want to "get it". I've just found out I'm pg, therefore we can predict when my worst times are likely to be based on our previous experience, and he keeps talking about being away then. First it's a regular contract harvest job, which isn't likely to happen now, then it's an Army Reserve course, which is totally optional, then it's chasing other contract harvest work interstate or on the other side of the country, and apparently it's okay because DD and I can travel with him in the truck.

I don't mean to turn this thread into a personal venting session, but I wouldn't think a father-to-be should suggest this to a normal pg wife, never mind an HG pg wife. He is just so sure that "I'll be better this time". His mother worked side-by-side with his dad right through all 4 of her pregnancies, and he just can't get it in his head that I'm not her.

How do I explain this to him without it getting rude or personal? I love him, I know he's chasing this work for the sake of the money, but there's more important stuff at stake right now.



Amanda

Amanda,

Say just what you posted here to him, it sounded perfect and makes sense. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is be honest from the start and make your feelings known so their is no mixed communications! I hope for your sake you are better this time around! Oh, and this is where you are supposed to vent! We are all here for the good and the bad!

Shelby, I think this is the core of the problems w/ my Dh. When I am not feeling well, he wants to help me by contact. And when I am not in HG hell, this is normally how I am most receptive. However, w/ HG, being touched is hard. He doesn't get that, as I am normally a very touchy/huggy person w/ everyone.
And when I feel sick (the beginning of that downhill cycle), he'd want to snuggle, to give me loving kisses, to hug, to hold, to nurture through touch. And of course, I can't stomach it. Sometimes I just move away, sometimes I have to go and get sick. So as I get worse, so does he, and it ends with him leaving and me being sicker. Because 1) it's hard for him to see me sick and knocked down, it's not me and scary for both of us. And 2) he doesn't know what else to do. Of course, this is NOT a pattern that works.

As my cycles of illness are going down hill again, we have started talking more. I expect to still come up against the same walls, we just don't do well w/ HG. However, at least we have some good conversations happening. On my good days, I'll initiate hugs, loves, snuggles...and when I hit my wall I will gently let him know. When I am going down and my muscles are aching, he will rub my shoulders and back or play with my hair, at my request. Makes him feel like he is doing something for me, and he is because the pain (as we all know) gets pretty bad. I just have to ask for it because he is tired of being denyed any contact.

We had to talk, be very honest with out fighting, and then decide on comprimises. It's a beginning.

Since it seemed connected to what you posted, I thought I would share where we are currently. He is hurt by my refusal to any kind of intimacy most times, and acting that out. I am hurt because he doesn't get it. With out speaking those things, we would just pull apart more.

Amanda,

I agree, you worded it very well in your post. And it would be swell if you didn't get sick, but unrealistic to hope for. I think you need to speak your heart and truths here, before the reality sets in.

Thankyou, Jolene and Brandi.

DH seems to swing backwards and forwards a lot lately. We had a breakthrough a couple of weeks ago when I said that maybe I wouldn't be quite as bad this time and his response was "but you weren't trying to keep up with a toddler last time" which I thought showed great awareness, but then he swings back to the "you won't get sick this time" routine. He had previously said, several times, that he thought I was talking myself into being sick again, so last night I put him on the spot about that and said "do you really think that if I get sick again it will be because I talked myself into it?" and we had another minor breakthrough with a response of "no no, if you're sick you're sick" (YAY - acknowledgement) and then went on to actually say something good about the time I've spent on this site, that I "know so much more about how to handle it this time" and how I "can see the warning signs and do something about them".

I still think he would like to go away if he can, but at least I think maybe I can trust him to come home if things go bad.

Thanks for listening

Amanda

Hello, my name is Dale. My wife and I are almost 15 weeks pg with our first child.

I think some men are just made to be servants for their wives. My wife tells me that I am doing a great job in supporting her but I feel like I am working at 20%.

I will admit though, she is very open with what she needs. She encourages me to do the things she appreciates and explains why she can't have me do certain things... like rubbing her back. I would have to say rubbing her back is deffinetly a huge trigger for her.

I am scared. The thought of losing my wife and/or our baby would devastate me. If I thought that running away from them would help them survive or save my heart from being crushed then I might have thought of that by now. But i know that it would just make things worse for them both. My wife does not drive and has no support here. All of her family is 2000 miles away and doesn't have the time to come out here to take care of her yet. i am just glad that I work 2 miles from home right now.

I think one of the things that really helped me to want to help her was when I found out that they can die. heh, I find myself trying not to cry as i am writing this to you all. I was also scared when I heard that there can be lasting effects of HG.

I am truely a believer of "Sympathy Pregnancy" as well. I am more sensitive (i.e. cry easier) to movies and sad songs. Like the christmas shoe song on the radio. I am sorry for going on like this. I just hope it helps to give some insite into why I am more supportive of my beautiful and wonderful wife.

Thank you for letting me talk things out.

Dale

Thankyou, Dale, for such an open and honest post.

I'm sorry that you and your wife have to be going through this, but at the same time it is wonderful to read that your wife has such a strong supporter in you. Please feel free to come here and post any time you need to vent. You will always find an audience sympathetic to what you are going through.

take care

Amanda

Hello Dale,

May I ask where in Oregon you are from? The Founder of the HER Foundation and creator of this website is in Oregon as well. I myself am in Northern Idaho.

Thank you so much for your post, and welcome to the forums. You can find additional support in the Second Trimester forum if you wish where women in the same Trimester as your wife can lend support as well. Sometimes knowing you're not alone is worth it's weight in gold.

I really think that HG is hard any way you look at it, and different people react to different situations in different ways. I've seen women vary back and forth between acceptance, readiness, denial and refusal about HG. I expect that our husbands do much of the same.

Your wife is very blessed to have a supportive husband. My husband also had physical sympathy to my pregnancy. Once I stopped vomiting, he started daily vomiting and lost a lot of weight with each of my pregnancies.

How is your wife doing now? What medications is she on? How well is she coping? How well is she eating and drinking?

Andy (Andrea)

I came on-line today to find an answer to this very question. The very first one posted. I have been suffering from HG for 6.5 weeks.

My husband has not been as suportive as I think he could be. He doesn't call me during the day, doesn't call me before me comes home to see if I need anything. He's been more concerned about his new T.V. than me in the past few weeks. I have to ask for everything, and often I don't know what I want...I actually don't want anything, but I know I have to try and eat. He just doesn't understand

My frustration with my husband has been building for about a week, and now I'm afraid to try and talk to him, becuase I know he will jump on the defensive, and it will turn into a screaming match, and I don't have the energy for that.

I don't know if he is even capable of being sympathetic. It makes me so sad, and I'm already depressed enough. If he can't cope when I'm sick, how will he cope when our child is sick.

Fortunately I have a very supportive mother and sister, without them I'd be lost.

Thanks for all the advice I've read so far.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are going through this. I understand, I truely do. Oh jeeze...right down to the damned new TV he bought just before that second line appeared!
Anytime you need to talk, you feel free to PM me, ok?

And take advantage of the support you have dear. I clung to my support system like all get out, and they helped me to survive.

Things did look up between Dh and I, but I know we still have lots of work ahead of us.

Samib, hi!

Just wanted to offer my support as well.

Love,
Suzanne

Hi Samib,

Try to state your needs clearly. My husband has responded much better to what I need if I don't express my displeasure that my needs weren't blatantly obvious. Simply say, I'm having trouble remembering to eat because I'm so nauseas, but I know if I eat small frequent meals I'll fight this better, please help me by asking what type of food I'm interested in, i.e. bland, salty, sweet, smooth, cold, warm, hot, dry, crunchy, etc. Then he can offer you more specifics for you to choose from. Tell him that days are long, and you would like him to call you so you can hear his voice. Try to be not very emotional, and apologize if you do get emotional, and blame it on the pregnancy!

Try to cut him some slack in your head. Many men like something they can "do" something about, that they know they can do well. They want to solve problems. He can't solve your HG, but he CAN program his new TV. He is trying to cope with how to deal with a sick wife who's not getting better in a few days! And please believe that this is NOT a foreshadowing of how he will deal with a sick child. The flu, a cold, a child who's wimpering will stop when you pick them up is completely different from HG. He likely knows how to soothe a cold, what a cold feels like, how long the flu lasts - this HG stuff - man, it's hard on everyone.

Just ask for what you need, and get your emotional support from those who are ready to give it to you. Sometimes guys just need to distance themselves a bit - keeps them safe, keeps them sane.

Huge hugs, Andy

The problem with getting a husband to understand is more apparent than you think. You are ill right in front of our eyes, and in my case her personality switched overnight. I believe the shoe is on the other foot at times. Often a husband is all to aware of what's happening. For example, how are we going to pay for this and is there going to be enough after this is over? When do I burst the bubble before it's too late? Where did I go wrong? What do I need to do if complications arise after the baby is born? How can our kids stick to as normal a schedule as possible during all this? Why? Why? Why? A good husband is always second guessing himself, before arriving at any decision. He is not in left field daydreaming, he is evaluating and trying to find the best possible outcome.
Yes you are horribly sick and removed from the norms of daily life. We know this and yet we must continue, food must be put on the table, bills must be paid and a future must be ensured. I have never tried soo hard(at anything in my life) throughout this pregnancy and been called an asshole all the way through it. Hence, my experience has taught me to respect my wife with all my heart(I am so proud of her for enduring what she does) and to make the tuff decisions regardless of the guilt tactics used.
Maybe next year my opinion will change, however I'm living the moment and this is what I see.

It's unfortunate that any sufferer of HG would have to convince a husband to give support, but if you must, I think it's important to help him get rid of his fear. He may be in denial just because he's never seen you so ill and may want to flee the situation. I think another good piece of advice was something I saw in another post and I can't remember the author, but it was along the lines of "get rid of your rookie jersey, get your glove on, and get in the game" (sports analogies are a great way to communicate with men, by the way). He simply has to get in and get his hands dirty to help you get through this tough time. And last, but not least, he has to not be afraid of confrontation, as some people will dismiss the woman's illness or openly question it. These people must be no match for a husband's scorn.

As for the oversupportive hubby, just politely let him know that you want to be left alone and why. He'll eventually understand even if he's offended at first.