The Pain after the pain

Including Post Partum Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & flashbacks.

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The Pain after the pain

Postby HGx3 » May 31, 2004 7:58 pm

Hi there. I am one week postpartum today. I want to post about my recovery journey while it is still so real and fresh. This is my 3rd pg with severe hg.

This will be my first experience with severe ppd. I have been on effexor for depression during my last 2 pgs, but as i said, this is the first i have experienced severe depression after the birth. I cannot seem to get control of my emotions at times.....I become really weepy and cant stop crying. This turns in to a full blown anxiety or panic attack. My chest feels tight and I feel like i cant breathe, when i try to take a deep breath i just cant. When I try to drink, I feel like i am drowning. I still cant drink water. I have only been able to drink sprite or tea for most of this third pg, and I am still in that rut.

This is all so new for me, and I am very scared right now.My husband and I think that a lot of it has to do with how traumatic this pg was for me.I had to leave a Doc I really loved b/c she wouldnt take a proactive approach, I had a HHC company accuse me of abusing phenerghan of all things, and then tried to sue me for various medical supplies that they claimed i refused to return after cqancelling service, I had 2 infected picc lines, one infected infusion pump site, 6 hospitalizations and severe weakness and depression.

Usually, I have such a WONDERFUL birth experience. This time was a traumatic experience. I had to deliver at a hospital that I didnt like, I had a horrible nurse that failed to catch several signs that my baby was in posterior presentation, and she kept saying things like, she thought the cord was wrapped around his neck. At one point my blood pressure was 160 something over? and she said I was stroke level, not to mention, I had been having symptoms for up to 3 weeks that i told my ob about, and he just dismissed them.

I am upset b/c i feel like they could have caught it, and turned, him, but instead, we were both put at risk. He then had to spend 3 nights in the NICU, so after EVERYTHING I had been thru, I still did not have my baby yet. The bottom line is, my births are usually closure for me, however, this experience opened up new wounds for me to try to cope with.
The most amazing sadness I am feelinf though, is that I AM NOT PREGNANT! Does that even make any sense? I am also sad about my upcoming tubal, even though I am POSITIVE that I cannot do this ever again.

I will call my ob tomorrow to see what he suggests I do at this point about my ppd. I will try to almost journal this process so that it might help others going thru it.

I would love t o hear your thoughts and experiences!!!!
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
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Matthew, 2001
Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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Emotional recovery

Postby jkschiller01 » May 31, 2004 10:36 pm

Lisa:

The only thought I had throughout my labor and delivery was: do this, and you won't be pregnant and won't be nauseous anymore. It wasn't thinking about how much I was looking forward to my baby, it was looking forward to not being pregnant.

HG women have so many risk factors for PPD. The risk factors do not guarantee a trip into PPD hell, but for many, it's unfortunately too common. I'm almost in my third month of recovery of PPD. It's really a day by day, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute thing for me.

One of my friends, a PPD survivor, shared this message with me.
You're not alone.
It's not your fault.
It will get better.

I've been using this as a mantra during meditation or when I'm slipping into anxiety. You're not alone Lisa. You didn't choose for these things to happen to you, and I promise, it will get better.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and healing for your heart and spirit.
HuGS, Karen
HG and PPD survivor and Proud Momma of
Nicholas George born 03/14/04.
Rochester, NY
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Postby RebeccaM » Jun 01, 2004 12:49 am

"The most amazing sadness I am feelinf though, is that I AM NOT PREGNANT! Does that even make any sense?"

I felt the same feeling! I thought I must be crazy because why on earth would I want to be pregnant again after what I just went through?!?!? I figured other people would think I was crazy too and for that reason I never mentioned it to anyone. For me, the feeling didn't last long so that was the end of it.

When I reflect back, I think the end product (a new baby and no more HG) was built up so much in my mind that after I delivered it was so anticlimactic. But who really knows. It's such a weird, crazy feeling. It's hard to even explain.

Fortunately I never had to go through ppd. Just regular baby blues. But after seeing what some ladies go through, my heart goes out. I can't even imagine having PPD or severe PPD, on top of just getting over 9 months of HG hell. It's like you can't get a break!

But just remember these forums and all these ladies are here for you whenever you need anything. Hang in there. You made it through HG and you can make it through this.
Rebecca
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 01, 2004 6:47 pm

Oh Lisa. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I went through extremely severe ppd/ocd/ptsd. I really feel for you. You have been through so much. I promise though, it will end.
I hope the meds work for you and hope you are getting good talk therapy. I think a good therapist can really do wonders and lesson the lenth of time of the ppd episode.
I have many thoughts on ppd or ptsd.

If there is anything I could do please let me know.
Feel free to IM me if you need to chat one on one.
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Postby HGx3 » Jun 02, 2004 8:27 am

When I reflect back, I think the end product (a new baby and no more HG) was built up so much in my mind that after I delivered it was so anticlimactic

I can relate to this...I was convinced that once I had the baby, everything would be back to normal right away. Obviously, it is not, and now I am dealing with unexpected issues related to going thru such a difficulat pg.


I went through extremely severe ppd/ocd/ptsd. I really feel for you.

Jen, are you currently going thru all this or has it let up? I know you had a difficult time and a TON of stress during your pg. How are you coping?
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
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Matthew, 2001
Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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Postby jjbeck » Jun 02, 2004 11:18 pm

Lisa, I am doing well. No signs of ppd and have not had an anxiety attack since Ava came.
It is not surprising to me that you are feeling the way you do given what you have been through.
If you are not ready for tubal, I would wait. I had signed two consents to have it done and at the last second I did not go through with it. I am glad. Weather I have more children or not, I doubt I will have a tubal.
Your DH can get snipped if you think a tubal will add to your depression....and I strongly feel it just might for several reasons.
As far as your anxiety and depression now, try to talk often. I cannot tell you how therapeutic talking is. I hope you have a good therapist.
I think one of the reasons I was able to avoid ppd this time around is I was able to talk about everything was was going wrong with my pg with ladies going through simular issues. Also, I accepted my anxiety as being a NORMAL part of pg and post pg and am thankful for the anxiety. I think anxiety can be a useful emotion as long as we understand it. I hate to think what could have happened if I took my docs advise and did not worry. I am glad I trusted my insticts and kept after my docs.
When you find yourself getting weepy, maybe try to see if you can id what you are feeling or thinking about...is there anything triggering it. During pg, I often explained that my anxiety and crying happened for no appearent reason, but I think there was a reason. I think it was because I had such a strong incline that something was very wrong and I could not do anything about it. In general whenever there is a problem...I always need to do something about it. Also, I was never good at handing the reins of my health over to HCPs, especially being preg. Being forced rely on them to ensure Ava got here safely was hard for me, especially feeling as though they were not providing what I felt I needed in a hcp. It made me so nutty knowing Ava's health was in someone else hands.
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Postby HGx3 » Jun 03, 2004 10:16 pm

Thanks for your advise Jen. I am so glad you are doing well after what you have been thru. Everything you said to me makes sense, and I can relate to what you said you experienced. I am trying to talk it out, though I do not have a therapist at this time. I want to see where I am at in a week or so, I will be able to judge my status a little better at that time. I will im you sometime...when things settle down some.

Lisa
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
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Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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Postby jjbeck » Jun 03, 2004 11:57 pm

even if you are able to talk with your dh. Explain to him that it helps you to talk. Even if you are saying the same things over and over again. try to use the part of you ( the healthier part of your brain) that is still functioning as much as you can. or even come online and chat or post in the forums....or even pick up a pen and paper and just write. it really does all help...just takes a little work sometimes. if you are not over how your docs treated you, talk about that until you are....if it helps, write them and let them know how you feel. I intend on writing my docs after i reveiw my records. they really need to learn how to better treat hgers and woman with anxiety.
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Postby SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly » Jun 07, 2004 2:43 pm

I am really sorry that you are experiencing ppd. I offer up many prayers on your behalf and just ask that you be very careful when making the decision to have a tubaligation as I am paying for that mistake emotionally and financially. My mother encouraged me to have a tubaligation, telling me that I was not meant to have babies. I surely wish that I had not listened to her and went with the nudgings in my heart. Now, 4 years later, it is taking quite some time to save the money necessary for a reverse tubaligation....

I also want you to take note and consider the following when deciding to have a tubaligation:
Post Tubal Syndrome (PTS)
Symptom List © 1999


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Post tubal syndrome (PTS) is an an iatrogenesis condition meaning doctor-caused or doctor produced. Many women suffer PTS after having a tubal ligation.

The following below is a list of symptoms that are associated with PTS.

PTS is often the result of a rapid decline of estrogen/progesterone hormone levels caused by the blood supply being damaged to the ovaries during the TL surgery. Depending on the damage to the veins and capillaries, blood volume to the ovaries may slightly decrease or can be eliminated completely which is called isolated ovarian syndrome (common with hysterectomy operations). Many of the symptoms of PTS are associated with menopause, hormone shock, or of having an estrogen/progesterone imbalance.

Other symptoms, such has heavy painful periods may be caused by a hormonal imbalance, could be caused by adenomyosis (bought on by uterus muscle and tissue being damaged, effected by the TL surgery impairing the blood supply to areas of that organ/muscle) or a combination of both. Pain also can be caused by retro bleeding backing into the sealed fallopian tubes.

Other theories of PTS and the hormonal imbalance that results after a TL is that target or receptor cells that are important in the relay of hormonal messages are damaged, destroyed, and or removed during the TL surgery. These receptor cells act like a telephone, sending messages to the brain. These target/receptor cells are located within the fallopian tube.

With this in mind, it's possible for a woman to have both her ovaries still functioning to some degree (if blood supply was not damaged), have no major problems with her uterus (again if blood supply was not damaged to that organ), and still be experiencing PTS in the from of a hormonal imbalance caused by change in her hormonal message relay system due to receptor cells being removed.

The only way to find out for sure if you have a hormonal imbalance or menopausal is to be hormone tested.

SYMPTOMS OF POST TUBAL SYNDROME

1. Eptopic pregnancy or pregnancy (well known risk of tubals)

2. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes,
clammy feeling, chills

3. Bouts of rapid heart beat

4. Irritability

5. Mood swings, sudden tears

6. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)

7. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding;
phantom periods, shorter cycles, longer cycles

8. Loss of libido (see note)

9. Dry vagina (see note)

10. Itchy vagina-at time raw like, can radiated from whole area, with
absence of yeast infections. (see note)

11. Color change in vaginal area. (color gets darker -darker red to purple)

12. Crashing fatigue - Chronic Fatigue

13. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

14. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom (see note)

15. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion

16. Disturbing memory lapses

17. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
(see note)

18. Prolapse of uterus do to rapid decrease in estrogen levels.

19. Itchy, crawly skin (see note)

20. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons (see note)

21. Increased tension in muscles

22. Breast tenderness

23. Decrease in breast mass

24. Headache change: increase or decrease

25. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)

26. Sudden bouts of bloat

27. Depression (see note)

28. Exacerbation of existing conditions

29. Allergies developing or increasing - (Chronic sinusitis).

30 Nasal infections-necessitating antibiotics

31. Weight gain (see note)

32. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair

33. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

34. Changes in body odor

35. Electric shock or stabbing sensation under the skin. (see note)

36. Tingling in the extremities, (see note)

37. Gum problems, increased bleeding

38. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in
breath odor (see notes)

39. Osteoporosis (after several years )

40. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

41. Stabbing pains in pelvic area at time of ovulation

42. Pelvic Pain

43. Development of Adenomyosis

44. Development of Ovarian/Tubal Cysts

45. Decreased Lactation Ability

The onset onset of PTS is not always obvious to the post tubal woman. She may know that she is sick and that she has suffered a health change but she may not always be properly diagnosed.
The symptoms of the hormonal imbalances that are often seen in post tubal women are often mis-diagnosed by the medical community as being heart conditions, chronic fatigue, common depression, IBS, common allegeries, and so on.

The medical community avoids hormone testing post tubal women under the age of 40. These women are told that they are too young to be post menopausal when in fact more often then not they are suffering from a hormonal imbalance or are post menopausal.

Severe and prolonged hormonal imbalances of this nature can cause bone loss, heart disease, and can cause psychological symptoms that mimic mental illnesses and Alzheimer's.


NOTES:

Symptom 2 - (flashes) Hot flashes are due to the hypothalamic response to declining ovarian estrogen production. The declining estrogen state induces hypophysiotropic neurons in the arcuate nucleas of the hypothalamus to release gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) in a pulsatile fashion, which in turn stimulates release of luteinizing hormone (LH). Extremely high pulses of LH occur during the period of declining estrogen production. The LH has vasodilatory effects, which leads to flushing.

Symptom 8 - (loss of libido) For some women the loss is so great that they actually find sex repulsive, in much the same way as they felt before puberty. What hormones give, loss of hormones can take away.

Symptom 9 - (dry vagina) results in painful intercourse.

Symptom 10 - (Itchy and or raw vaginal area) A normal vaginal pH level is around 4.5. A vaginal pH of 6.0 to 7.5 -- in the absence of a vaginal infection (yeast infection)-- indicates low blood estrogen levels and signals that the woman is menopausal. "The vagina (and whole area) becomes more acidic."

Symptom 14 - (doom thoughts) includes thoughts of death, picturing one's own death. Feelings of complete despair.

Symptom 17 - (incontinence) reflects a general loss of smooth muscle tone.

Symptom 19 - (itchy, crawly skin) feeling of ants crawling under the skin, not just dry itchy skin.

Symptom 20 - (aching sore joints) may include such problems as carpal tunnel syndrome.

Symptom 27 - (depression) different from other depression, the inability to cope is overwhelming. There is a feeling of loss of self. Hormone therapy ameliorates the depression dramatically.

Symptom 31 - (weight gain) often around the waist and thighs, resulting in 'the disappearing waistline'

Symptom 35 - (shock sensation) This is often discribed as the feeling of a rubber band snapping in the layer of tissue between skin and muscle. It may be a precursor to a hot flash.

Symptom 36 - (tingling in extremities) can also be a symptom of B-12 deficiency, diabetes, alterations in the flexibility of blood vessels, or a depletion of potassium or calcium.

Symptom 38 - (Burning mouth syndrome)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Please note: Some of the symptoms above are also symptoms related to hypothyroidism, diabetes, iron deficiency, and other conditions. If you believe that you may be experiencing a hormonal imbalance or hormone shock, please contact your health care provider to consult and have proper serum testing done. Proper testing will check for ALL conditions. The findings of hypothyroidism, diabetes, or anemia does not rule out that a hormone imbalance is not also occurring. The findings of normal thyroid, insulin, and iron levels does not rule out that a hormone imbalance is not occurring.
www.tubal.org
Psalm 121:1-3 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber.
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 10, 2004 10:41 pm

Seraphim, what a great post!!!!
I came so close to having a tubal and so glad I di not go through with it.
Lately I have been thinking a great deal about ppd and other depressive disorders during pg. More and more I am wondering if there is a greater purpose anxiety serves during and following pg and that when we try and that maybe trying to suppress it may actually do harm such as a more severe ppd or or other depressive disorder. I can get mor into it ata different time, but I have been wondering if having a tubal could really interfere with a womans mental health.
I am so glad you postsed what you did.
Jen 34
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Postby SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly » Jun 11, 2004 8:04 am

JJBECK (JEN) :D

I am so glad that you found good purpose in this post. I am very glad that you did not have the tubaligation. This decision can become more traumatic than most people think. I was 22 years old when I had mine. Since then, I believe that any pregnant woman, HG or not, should receive mandatory counseling for at least 3 months prior to finalizing their decision on a sterilization procedure. All pregnant women have a lot going on hormonally and I don't feel that post partum is the best time to make any long term life changing decision. Many blessings to you and I really hope that this post helps others as well. :wink:
Psalm 121:1-3 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber.
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Postby PamelaRose » Jun 14, 2004 9:06 am

In my state and many others, there is a mandatory waiting period before a sterilization can be performed. I signed paperwork for my tubal ligation 10 weeks before my due date, and I believe there is a minimum wait of 6 weeks. Many women know very early into their final pregnancies that their families will be complete; most women I know have planned on tubal ligation as the means to the end long before they conceived that final child. But if there is any doubt, there are so many other long-term birth control options that are not permanent! How heartbreaking that you had a tubal at such a young age. Many younger HGers are frustrated that their OBs won't perform tubal ligations on them because of age, but the system is in place to prevent tragedies like yours. :( Hugs to you, and I hope the reversal is successful.
Pamela

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Postby SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly » Jun 14, 2004 1:05 pm

Thanks for your reply Pamela and thank you for being empathetic as well. :wink:

My tubaligation was a mistake but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a "tragedy" because the Lord does take everything and turn it into good. I have become even stronger in my walk with Him because of what I have gone through in life both pertaining to this and other events throughout my lifetime. Also because of the desire for reversal, I have befriended many women in the same predicament that I might not have otherwise met if I hadn't had the tubaligation and then desired reversal. There are so many tubaligation stories out there that aren't as solid as your decision was. Some women were in abusive relationships and were forced to have them. Then later after find a new love, they desire the reversal and so forth. One woman wanted a reversal because her son drowned in a pool and she desired more children after that. I actually did have to wait approximately 6 weeks as well because I was low on iron due to hemmorhaging after the birth. I believe that more time than that is needed. Especially with outside factors such as mine where I was just getting over the illness and being pressured by my mother to have the procedure. It's hard to ration under such conditions. In terms of birth control, I actually was a birth control educator at a teen clinic in the past...ironically my body had a negative response to all of them besides the simple use of a condom of course--which unfortunately does not work out for my husband. The rhythm method worked best for us and each of the pregnancies were planned pregnancies. So, based on the bc factor it did make it an even harder decision in my case and I do thank God that there have been doctors such as the one I will be going to who have been correcting the proposed permanancy of tubaligations for over 25 years. Dr. Berger of Chapel Hill Fertility Center is the doctor I will be seeing and to date, he has performed over 4000 reversal surgeries. There are so many testimonies of success and in my prayers to God, I have no doubt that mines will be successful as well. I understand that you & many women you know have chosen this procedure knowing that they are finished but there are so many who are not completely sure or their circumstances change and they change their mind... especially in many cases where they remarry but the new husband has no natural children of their own. I am certainly not against tubaligations but I am definitely in favor of a woman being totally informed (knowing all the facts and potential risks) and completely positive that it IS what they want before making her decision. I do firmly believe that each person has their own path and while some choices are good for one, it is not good for another. Thanks again for posting Pamela. I do enjoy the interaction. :D
Psalm 121:1-3 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber.
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Postby PamelaRose » Jun 15, 2004 8:45 pm

Ah, you're so right about so many different paths to choose and the purpose revealed through our choices!

Six weeks is a very short wait time in the grips of a major illness. I've heard many, many women absolutely swear that they cannot, will not, go through HG again, only to see them happily contemplating another child months later; time does, indeed, heal wounds. But for me and many others, there is a peace in the decision. How wonderful to find a surgeon so successful with reversals, and I hope that you can find a peace-filled end to your story, too.
Pamela

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Postby jjbeck » Jun 15, 2004 11:38 pm

ah yes, i can remember saying over and over this would be my last pg and i would be getting a tubal. i am so glad i didnt. i cant believe i am actually considering pg again :shock: . it will be a while though before i can bring it up to dh though.
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Postby SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly » Jun 16, 2004 1:24 pm

Jen (JJBECK)

The husbands are certainly a different thing entirely when it comes to all of this... especially since most men internalize their feelings.

I remember after I had the tubaligation and started looking for options to reverse it. My husband supported it. So, I found someone and the next thing was trying to figure out how to get the money to do it. So, it was on the backburner for a but but a constant thought. I felt that my husband wanted this too..as much as I did because there were a few things he would do like there was a couple of times where he would hug me and wrap his arm aroundmy waist, laughing and saying what do you have in there for me? Or he would say things about how it would be nice to have a little girl... or some nights when we were being intimate, he would say, this feels like one of those nights that we make a baby. So, I was feeling he was right there with me on all of this. Last year there was a financial pening to finally open a tubal reversal account at the fertility center. They accept payment of any amount whenever you can send them... which is good. I asked him several times on different days before I opened the account if he was absolutely positive that he wanted to try again and he said yes. So, anyway the more excited I got... the less interested my husband seemed. I thought this was odd.. Then one night he told me he had been keeping something from me and he said that he didn't want another child and didn't know how to tell me. Talk about Tears and all kinds of hurtful emotions....Ironically a rain storm hit during all of this... I was crying and we were fusiing.. I eventually left to go sleep in my childrens room and I was just praying and praying and in that I got confirmation that the Lord still intended for this to take place and that I would have surgery. So, the next day comes and he counsels with the pastor at church and so forth and then we talk..And he does want me to have the surgery.... My husband then expresses that he was just frightened because my paying on the account made it real again and he flashbacked on all of the things that occured with the HG and he was afraid of losing me... So, after we prayed together and put my health and the health of any future children in God's hands...we were okay. We are trusting that it will be better this time around and that even if HG occurs, God will bring us through it just like He did before. :wink: Since then, we have total peace about trying to conceive again and we look at the children we have now and know that they are certainly worth anything we go through to get them here. I wish you the best in letting your husband know how you are feeling. Remember, that good communication is the most important thing to all of this. Do not hesitate in letting him know how you feel..and if he has any fears address them.. I am sure that once you both understand each other's point of view it will lay the foundation for some concrete decision making.
Psalm 121:1-3 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber.
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Postby jjbeck » Jun 16, 2004 5:40 pm

Men internalize????? dont think i realized that. :wink:
I know communication is key, it is still too soon for him to be able to think about it. his family is in healthcare and they of course are not at all supportive of the idea. later, when i have full brain function again, i will be able to talk about it with him. after all every pg is differ as all the docs keep saying ( just kidding). i think he was just so frightened when i had the placental abruption and high blood pressures. after ava came, his mother, a nurse, kept telling him gosh, you are lucky you didnt lose them both. this just added to his already existing anxiety of me ever being pg again.
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Postby SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly » Jun 16, 2004 8:24 pm

JJBECK (JEN)
:D

I definitely wish you all the best in whatever you mutually decide. And I will be praying for you all along the way. When the time is right and it actually becomes a discussion, be sure and let me know what happens.
Psalm 121:1-3 I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-he who watches over you will not slumber.
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Postby aaronsmommy » Jun 16, 2004 8:50 pm

Jen - that is exactly my husband's issue. I couldn't tell at the time, but he was really scared several times that he would lose me and he doesn't feel like he could handle it with the extra responsibility of being a daddy. I never felt like I was close to dying (although in retrospect, maybe I was a couple of times), so I have a hard time understanding it, but I have to respect it because it comes only out of love for me and our son, and so I won't ever approach the subject with him.

And he's a social studies teacher, no medical background anywhere in his family!

There are so many other obstacles for us, but if I felt he would ever change his mind, I would structure our life differently so they could be overcome.
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
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Postby hsuttell » Jun 25, 2004 2:29 pm

Hey guys, remember me?

I don't know what my problem is lately but I seem to be in some kind of a funk. I just found out my sil is pg and I couldn't be happier for her but I'm also horribly depressed at the same time. I also found out a cousin is three months pg without any symptoms or complaints. I don't wish HG on anyone and am glad for them both, but I'm also terribly jealous and depressed about the whole thing. I now have two girls and would like very much to have a boy but the thought of getting pg again terrifies me. I don't think I have it in me to do it again. I just wish I could get pg again and be happy about it. It just doesn't seem fair and I can't seem to snap out of this lousy mood I'm in. I'm even having trouble sleeping at night. My dh asked me if I was having PPD but I thought that was mainly immediately after childbirth. I'm not sure if I should just try and forget about it or seek counseling or what.
Anyway, I'd appreciate any advice.

Holly

Mom to
Emma 4-2002
Megan 3-2004
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