Very dark place

[Jenny]

Hello,

Well, I did something stupid and forgot my Zoloft. I am on a trip to my MILs house and I am now on day four without it. I will be home tonight. I have been so so so sad. I can hardly function. And I start thinking things, things I shouldn't think. But then I wonder, what is more true, what I think and feel when I am unmedicated or medicated? What is real? Three babies gone. Does my family love me? Do they need me? Is there any hope that at any point in life there will be anything to look forward to? Will there ever be good news again? Is life just a series of very sad things? Why is life so long? Am I only half way through it all?

Just pray that God will lift up my head, I am so sad and confused about what is true.

Thanks all,

Jenny

[Gail]

((((Jenny)))) I wish I had answers for you. Know that I'm thinking of you often and praying that things turn around for you soon.

[karolinagurl20]

jenny i dont know you but i know those feelings of "whats true" first of all i think your brave for posting that some of us just cry in our beds or closets and thats not really helping anything either. I want to tell you that what you think when your on your meds is true. One day you may not even need meds. I had to stop my paxil when i got pg, just cause my hg was so bad i threw them up and then would have side effects like i was trying to go off and on them so i had to call it quits, so needless to say this has been emotionally almost impossible for me. God will lift you up. Just keep asking he's listening. Your famliy loves and needs you. I know im a stranger, and havent been through nearly what you have my heart hurts for you. I'll be praying for you, meanwhile brightside, your trip is over and you can get back to zoloft. Hope it helps. Love kayla

[Atsie]

But then I wonder, what is more true, what I think and feel when I am unmedicated or medicated? What is real? Three babies gone. Does my family love me? Do they need me? Is there any hope that at any point in life there will be anything to look forward to? Will there ever be good news again? Is life just a series of very sad things? Why is life so long? Am I only half way through it all?

(((((Jenny)))))
I have read your post a few times now. I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now. I think that unmedicated thoughts, at times can be true, but i think they are often clouded by the self doubt and worthlessness that we feel at times like these. Your family needs you so very much. Your children and your husband love you and want you around. Granted teenagers don't really show it , they do feel it.
You have been through things no one should ever have to face. It was devestating and impossible. But there have also been so many good things for you. And I promise you there will be again. I know it must seem so overwhelming at times, but good things will come. I don't know what they are or when they will come but the joy in your life will return and the pain will lessen. Your three beautiful babies , not with you, and that is the most unfair, but they are loved, cherished and remembered. You are an amazing, mother, wife and friend. Please don't let these feelings overwhelm you.
Hang in there! Trip to visit MIL can bring this out in the best of us!
Love and Hugs
Erin

[BrandiJK]

(((((((((((((Jenny)))))))))))))

I am so sorry. I have to say, I agree whole heartly with Erin. Sometimes these thoughts are actual, though clouded. And because they are clouded, the reality of them is totally skewed.
There is a physical imbalance happening. Sometimes depression is necessary, and healthy. Sometimes we just get stuck in that spot, and need some help to climb out of that hole.
Please do not add any more weight on your shoulders by invalidating the work of those pills. Don't think you are deluding yourself by taking them, because you are not. You are doing what is necessary for you to be doing at this time.


Sending you lots and lots and lots of prayers sweety. Get home quickly!

[rjdecker]

Jenny,

I took zoloft once and tried to go off it cold turkey. it was horrible. Zoloft is not a drug you can just stop taking, so I am willing to bet a lot of what you feel is withdrawal. That doesn't mean the drug is with you forever. You may find it different if you slowly went off it. You may be okay. Not being able to take it for several days will throw you into haywire even if you are ready to go off it, does that make sense?

When I had PPD after Amy and didn't realize it, I had many of those same feelings. I thought everyone hated me and everything I did. I literally was paranoid. It was so scary and frustrating. But when I finally got help, I was able to see that it was the chemical imbalance in my system. It wasn't really me.

You hang in there. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. We love you!

Jenny

[Jenny]

Thank you all so much. I am home now with Zoloft on board. I hope I will be feeling better tomorrow or the next day.

I still have those doubts and questions, but I am home and that feels good.

Thanks again

Jen

[IslandDreamer]

(((Jenny)))

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. The sadness makes sense with what you've gone through, but it isn't fun or easy. And I know I've asked myself the same kinds of questions...what is the truth?

I, too, (Brandi, get the purse and thwack me) am without meds...cold got so bad I didn't dare drive to get the refill because of the vertigo, and dh was gone on business. UGH! Not pretty...fortunately, Prozac has a longer life in the bloodstream than Zoloft...just look out for me in a few days, eh?

Sending hugs your way. Praying for you.

Love,
Suzanne

[carla]

((((JENNY)))))

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

i just wanted to give you a big hug!!!! from me and aidan, in his bib and chicken hat
but seriously speaking, i've struggled, and struggle in the present at times, with similar feelings. for me i try and keep in mind that the greatest truth is that life is a rich and beautiful journey, and that love and spiritual growth, which for me is not necessarily religious, are the higher purposes that make it all worthwhile. when i'm low, i need to pinpoint what is hurting and work on healing, while accepting where i'm at and not giving myself a hard time. i hope you're being easy on yourself.
i'm glad you're home. yes, being with mil's can be hard enough, without perhaps withdrawal symptoms added on. so much has been going on for you, and i would imagine the buildup is overwhelming and exhausting.


hugs, hugs

sarah

[Beccy]

I've only just come back to the HG forums so I am probably new to you but I saw how you were feeling and I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and wishing you better. I too have experienced what you are going through, and what you are feeling can't be helped it is just some part of you body that isn't working right and you need the meds to correct that and by not having them is making you feel bad. I hope you get back on an even keel once you back on you meds and we are all here to listen whilst you feeling it at the moment.

Take Care

Love Beccy x x x
mum to 4 beautiful daughters

[rjdecker]

Sarah,

You always have such beautiful things to say. I think you should be a therapist! I know a lot of what you have said here has sure touched me.

Jenny,

Glad you have the zoloft on board and hope you are feeling better soon.

Suzanne,

Take care of yourself, okay? We'll be watching out for you!

Jenny

[BrandiJK]

Jenny, I am glad you are home and hope that stuff kicks in quick. Other Jenny (rjdecker), were there effects of going off zoloft to quick then restarting it again, or did it just even out?
Keep us updated, ok? Check in and let us know how you are fairing?

Suzanne, I am not gonna thwack you yet, I'll wait until your cold passes assuming I still have the purse. But in the mean time...you keep us updated too and take care of yourself, k?

[Terri]

Jenny,

I have dealt with severe depression for most of my life, and I hate it when people try to give me advice about it, or try to give pep talks. So I won't do that to you.

Even though I haven't posted to you directly before, that I have read many of your posts, been to your website and blog, I'm familiar with what you've been going through.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that tomorrow will be better than today.

[rjdecker]

When I went off the zoloft cold turkay, it was really weird. It was like my whole body had been shoved clear across the room. Really hard to explain. I was really freaked out. As soon as I got the zoloft back on board I was okay.

Jenny

[Jenny]

Yes, I am doing much better now. I am glad that it is so quick to regain its ground. I think what made it even harder was that I didn't go off it intentionally. I knew I needed it badly. I went off it intentionally in January and weaned myself slowly and really thought I was well enough to do that, but after a couple of weeks I realized that I was not ready. But this time. I was at a full dose (though I only take 50mgs) and was already struggling a bit, and then went cold turkey only b/c I forgot my medicine at home.

I had thought of going to the ER to get some, but my ex husband would use something like that to take my kids so I just had to deal with it. My husband talked me into drinking soda with caffeine over the weekend to at least give me a tiny boost. That actually helped a lot. I had given up caffeine while ttc, but it did take a least a tiny edge off of the sluggish feeling.

Anyway, I am home with Zoloft and feeling ok. Back to no caffeine and gearing up for ovulation week! he he!

[rjdecker]

Jenny,

Glad things are getting better.

Suzanne,

How are you doing?

Jenny

[Marie]

Jenny,

I just came across this thread. I wanted to jump in and let you know I'm thinking about you, and I pray that you continue to improve.


Love,
Marie

[bibliojo]

Jenny, I didn't respond to this thread earlier but I was thinking of you and praying for you. I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better now. But do you think you could benefit from some counseling to deal with all these issues? I want to see you happy and well!

(((Jenny)))

Joanna

[Jenny]

I tried counseling, I think that b/c I used to be in that line of work, I over analyze the job they are doing. I think, oh come on that was a beginner mistake, you shouldn't have said that to me, or yes, you said that exactly as I would have. I didn't really get any help from it. PLUS she kept wanting to talk about Jordan like she was rubber necking an accident. I kept telling her that the issues I needed to deal with were not related to Jordan but to other things, and she wouldn't get past Jordan. I just think it isn't for me. I would love couples counseling, but I don't think Charles will do that. I have asked him but he says now that we are doing so much better, he wants to just wait and see how we do. hmmm... We are doing better, but we could use some help and the issues that we were dealing with a month ago, whether or not they happen again have really impacted me.