So, it doesn't take much these days to get overwhelmed, bec. the basic anxiety level, without any external stresses, is high enough. Yes, there's this churning, underlying tape playing in my head every time he smiles at me, every time he looks at me adoringly (my husband insists that's what Aidan's doing a lot of the time), that I am not worthy of that love, or that it will fade, disappear, or that he will hate me one day. I live in the future when it comes to Aidan, and in my fears for our relationship. I have had a terrible relationship with my own parents (until recently, with my mom and I connecting a bit more), and I feel a lot of negativity towards parents who use their children to hurt each other in divorce, etc. The more I love my child, the deeper the fear gets. The times that I am present, in the moment, and just enjoying him here and now DO exist, and are wonderful, but it doesn't take much for me to go into projection mode, and it is completely exhausting and draining.
It's helpful, very helpful, to have come to a deeper understanding of this anxiety, as I've been beating myself up for it on some level, feeling unthankful for the gifts in my life. But I am VERY thankful, while at the same time going through an understandable process given my history. It was so good to get clarity on this, so I can work on it more and be patient with myself. ALL feelings are valid and are there for a reason, it's just a matter of figuring it out. I wish I didn't give myself such a hard time while I'm going through the feelings. It would free up so much energy that could be used more productively.
The fact that Aidan's a high-maintenance kid makes it all that much harder to deal with this, as I feel overwhelmed and anxious (which feeds into my fear that I'm going to be a bad parent), and lack of sleep compounds things.
Phew, so nice to get some clarity!
Soon to be serene Sarah
