struggling

[alisonmacd]

i'm really struggling to get out of bed and come to work. it seemed like a good idea to try to force myself out of the house after 2 months in my bedroom vomitting. now i'm on zofran the vomitting has stopped more or less but the nausea hasn't and my mood's no better. i've been back at work a few weeks but it's exhasting just getting myself here & trying to control my emotions.

i had ante & post natal depression with my last pg and i just feel it's all happening again. mostly i just want to hide under my duvet but have to come to work. i cry on the bus here, i hide in the toilets a lot. i think lots of 'dark' thoughts and i feel i have no right because i have a lovely toddler and have this baby on the way.

i feel as big as a house & have rosy cheeks most of the time and people keep saying i look 'good' but i feel crap and i feel like them saying that to me is them saying 'you're a liar, there's nothing wrong with you, stop poisoning your baby with medication and get the finger out'. to be honest that's exactly what i'd like to do, instead i walk about feeling rubbish and feeling like i should hurt myself.

i have quarterly 'reviews' with the psychologist i saw for the last time but all he said was that he didn't know what to suggest and my next meeting is weeks away and i feel what's the point if he's no better ideas than me.

alison.

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Alison, it sounds like you are doing way too much, and expecting too much of yourself! Your wanting to hurt yourself shows how much pain you are in, and how overextended you are feeling! Can you get yourself to a good shrink and go on disability? I think that's a MUST with how you are feeling both physically and emotionally, and no wonder you're feeling this way! Poor dear!

Big hugs

Sarah

[BrandiJK]

(((((((((((Alison))))))))))))) I am so sorry. I agree, get yourself into someone good and get on disability!

[m.ij05]

TAKE A BREAK!!! The last thing that you need is to relaspe. Its really easy to become overwhelmed when dealing with HG. I think that its great that you were seeing someone about your feelings, it doesn't sound like he's been much help though. Try to find someone else. There are others out there who actually get it so don't give up. It's okay to feel sad, upset, and frustrated so don't feel guilty about it. If your child was sick you would take care of his/her physical needs as well as emotional. You wouldn't tell your toddler to turn off his/her feelings, you would take care of him/her. You deserve the same treatment. (((Alison))) I hope that things get better for you soon.

[Gracie]

((((Alison)))) hopefully you can get on disability like somebody already suggested and get some rest...

[Marie]

Allison,

How are you doing?

Hugs,
Marie

[alisonmacd]

my toddler was really ill over the weekend so we both got kind of caught up in that. got little sleep and am feeling physically worse. fell apart last night as since i got ill with this pg my toddler always wants his dad, even ill it's him he wants to cuddle. this really upset me as prior to pg he would have always went to me. i felt like a hopeless mother, wife ... human generally. i've come in to work today mostky to try to reduce my hours as i'm just not coping very well.

sorry it's not a more upbeat update.

alison (22 weekss)

[Sarah Myers]

Alison,

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. I know EXACTLY how you feel about work/life/trying to exist! It's so hard... and I loved reading your post because it validated everything I feel. I don't want to go to work, even when I feel "okay", since I finally have a teeny bit of energy that I want to devote to my family instead. My boys are getting very tired of mom sleeping the weekends away.

Some good advice someone told me: I will only be pregnant with Caleb for a little while in my life, and this is probably not the last job I will ever have. If something happens to it, so be it. I will be fine.

Easy to say, but my wages are a pretty big need for us right now!

Have you asked yet if you can go to a shortened week? I cannot- they just won't let me. They all think I am "faking" it or exaggerating it or something. I have only missed a grand total of about 2 weeks for this HG mess, and that's been pretty spread out across my pregnancy (I am at 23 weeks now), but if I had not begun on Zofran, I most assuredly would have been fired by now, as I just couldn't exist.

Here's something I learned last week (when I came back into work after a few days off): watch your blood sugar. This is REALLY hard... you don't feel like eating is an option, but you drink all of this water to keep hydrated... then you lose the water... or not, but you feel terrible... so food is DEFINITELY out... then you faint! Be REALLY careful.

***FOODMENT!!!*** Try to sneak in a little sugar anywhere you can (I find cheese-n-crackers pretty bearable for the most part). Or a coke, in a pinch, or a glass of milk. It's just really important (as I found out, blacking out in the bathroom at work on Friday and then getting the same way this morning!). *** End FOODMENT!***

I know it is really hard to keep up with everything we have to do. One thing I do that seems to give me at least a sense of control is to watch my ketones religiously (pee on a ketostix!). I can tell when it is slightly elevated and do something about it, which gives me ONE LITTLE THING that I can be in charge of. That helps me feel a lot better.

I know it hurts when your son keeps running to daddy. My son is 12, so he is better able to understand what's going on, but I miss his company anyway. I don't want him to be around when I feel bad, because I think I drag him down, so I encourage him to go spend time with his dad a lot. One the rare occasions that I do feel well, I try to grab him so that we can catch up. I wish I could give you suggestions for your toddler, but I just can't. I have no insight at all. Just know that it is short-term, a few more months!

And don't worry what they think about it at work. Work can wait. There's always other work if you end up needing it. Your baby is hard enough work as it is!

Feel free to email me (sarah.myers@us.ing.com) anytime you want. If you need me after hours, you can always use my husband's email address and it will find me (neil_myers@bellsouth.net). We HG Sisters stick together!

Love,
Sarah

[alisonmacd]

toddler has decided he wants me some of the time

my work have agreed to 8-14h until things get better which means i get to lie down before my toddler comes home.

i haven't been sick for weeks now, but do still have nausea. however, i'm too scared to stop the zofran as it always puts me back to vomitting and even taking 1/2 brings it all back. zofran continues to give me headaches, occassionally (once or twice a week) migraine-type headaches.

now i've put weight on my back is agony. i've seen an osteopath 3 times and they've advised i go back to my dr as the pain's too acute & not moving. i've to stop lifting my toddler altogether and avoid what aggrevates the pain ... just about everything. i had to have an emergency section last time so we're not sure if the epidural's to blame or not. this pain is adding to my depression.

i called my psychologist over a week ago and he said he'd get back to me but no one has and no appt has come through.

we tried to move our toddler in to his own room but he really reacted to it and it didn't even last a night. now he wakes up 2 or 3 times a night. my husband's often in the spare room as we're relying on him for so much during the day. i'm exhasted because between needing to pee, backache & the dark junk rattling around in my head i struggle to get back to sleep.

overall it seems that for each thing that improves another hellish thing arrives in its place.

thanks for your support,
alison (24 weeks)

[caleighbelle47]

((((((((Alison)))))))))