Another bump in our adoption journey

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Another bump in our adoption journey

Postby Ivydragon » Jun 27, 2004 12:17 pm

Adam's birthmom is pg again.

It is just so sad to see her getting pg again so soon. In the past, she'd have things apparantly going better in her life, and she'd be pg again, and everything would fall apart again. She's already lost 2 children to the foster care system, having the chance to earn them back, and not doing what was required. Sadly, Deacon isn't doing well, and there's a chance he may end up in foster care, too. I promised I'd fight for Deacon if anything happened to him, and so I am struggling with our desire to move forward with the new adoption agency, or wait and see what will happen with Deacon, because I promised. I have to find out if we'd have to be taken off of the list if it turned out Deacon could come to our home. I know his 1/2 sister's family wants to adopt again, too. I guess I'm lucky we haven't saved up enough to get on the list quite yet. I don't even know if I should keep working on my profile.

She's supposedly 2 months pg, and keeping the new baby, too. I really have felt so strongly that she had the right to have her own family and make things work out, but she's divorced the husband that was good as gold to her, who claimed Deacon as his own, still hasn't found a job, and is neglecting her son's needs. I don't even want to admit how many lies I've believed. I thought maybe she has been pg 6 times (including the new baby), but it could be as many as 8, in the last 6 years, with 3 live births. I am just stunned.

I think my heart is breaking. I just cannot allow myself to think bad of her, to be angry for long, because I reallize that this is how it will be for who knows how long into the future, and Adam deserves to know his biological roots, and it's the only way I can stand to deal with it all. Right now all he knows is that she loves him, that's what "birthmom" means to him. He asked me this morning if we could adopt Deacon, and told us we were supposed to be Deacon's Mommy and Daddy - sometimes you just have to wonder if kids know things adults don't - or if he's just a wishful child - he hasn't seen Deacon in person since September, and twice on the webcam. I just feel too strongly about open adoption, and everything to slam the doors shut, and I cannot turn my back on the children she's conceiving - so I suspect I'll feel this way forever.

I really wanted to write or call her, but I just can't. Doesn't feel right. So I'll just have to try to make sure Deacon is ok, and hope my silence speaks loudly enough. She's moved again, anyhow, and not told me where or given me new contact info.

So, don't tell me how wonderful I am for keeping the doors open, because I don't feel I am, I'm really hurt and angry. But, don't judge her, either, because the most important thing to me in this forum is that we do not judge each other for the choices we make.

I just had to get this out. Some of you have known me for years, and know how much this affects me. Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby HdGAMom2B » Jun 27, 2004 12:23 pm

Here's me being honest with you:

I have no idea what to say, other than I'm so sorry this is happening around you. I have no idea how to react, except that I don't know how I would handle this either.

I will however, say, that I think you are a very strong person, and that you are brave, and smart, and loving. You will find the words to say, the actions to take, and the path to your child.

I'm sorry if it's wishy-washy advice, but I don't want to be a person that spouts off at the mouth, with no substance behind it. I truly don't know how to help, but i will rmember you in prayer, I too keep my promises. You are putting that character trait in your children, and that's someting to be proud of.

Keeping promises, in a world that lies.
*We're pregnant!! 30 wks -due March 24th, 2005
*Failed adoption after 6 wonderful days (baby Claire Delaney, b. 5/6/04)
*'Therapeutic Termination' at 11 wks. due to mistreated HG in first pg, term. 6/15/99
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Postby Traci in Japan » Jun 27, 2004 9:05 pm

Andy, don't be too hard on yourself. Remember you have had a rollercoaster ride this past year with adoption and baby plans. Your move wouldn't have helped. Don't be surprised that you aren't 100% in touch with all your feelings right now. I'd be worried if you did have them all under control - then you would be turning into an unfeeling uptight person and we all KNOW that is not you. Give yourself permission to feel angry/disappointed/sad/upset. You give a lot to everyone else, so the time for you is needed.

Keep in touch. We will be thinking of you. I'm sure you will find the right path in the coming weeks.
Traci in Japan
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Postby MamaLily » Jun 27, 2004 11:30 pm

Andy -

I don't know what to say except that I will be thinking about you. What rough decisions to make, especially at this point while you prepare for your exchange student and get your new profile in order.

I'm sure everything will work out the right way in the end...but I also know that doesn't make things easier while you are in the middle of something so heartbreaking.

My thoughts are with you. Please let me know if I can do anything.

- Anna
"The little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over." - Aesop
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Postby RebeccaM » Jun 28, 2004 2:28 pm

Andy,

My heart sank when I read the subject of your post. I'm so sorry you have these new struggles to deal with.

I will be thinking of and praying for you.
Rebecca
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Tierra Ashlee 9/15/03
Eli Spencer 7/16/05
Haylee Belle 3/4/09
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Postby Ivydragon » Jun 28, 2004 2:38 pm

Thank you, everyone. Right now I just have to sit and wait to see what will happen. We've asked our local social worker to call Miu to see if she would willingly relinquish her parental rights so we can adopt Deacon. I'm not holding my breath, but when you feel so strongly about an idea, you just have to follow through. I know a woman was to be calling this morning to report Miu to the state for neglect. We'll just have to follow our hearts, and try to make sure he's ok. Other adoption plans are on hold for now.

I do feel better about things - just more accepting, I guess, the shock has worn off. I really appreciate everyone's support, and reminders that I'll find the right path - when it felt like I was surrounded by fog, it was just what I needed to hear.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby MamaLily » Jun 28, 2004 2:44 pm

Andy -

I want you to know that I've been thinking about you today.

Please keep us posted on what you hear from Miu and what ends up happening with Deacon. Maybe you feel strongly about this for a particular reason...whether it's to adopt Deacon or to meet someone else along the way or to prepare yourself for something in the future. I'll be anxious to hear what Miu says about Deacon and also anxious to hear how you are doing.

Hang in there! You are amazing!

- Anna
"The little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over." - Aesop
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 02, 2004 1:04 am

Well, I have been told that the State had to look into the birthmom's situation w/ Deacon because of the report that was taken on his situation, and due to his young age. I am so relieved to know they'll be checking in. We're 2nd in line, so to speak, if he is removed from custody, and it is determined at some point in time that he is not going back home, either. The gal who is first in line (Grandmother according to the birth certificate, but not according to DNA) doesn't know if she wants to keep and raise him (if he's taken into custody, she'll most likely be where the state places Deacon), or if she'd rather see him raised with his 1/2 brother, with us. The other adoptive mother isn't interested in him, and will support us if we want to try to adopt him.

We're just relieved to know that the State will be checking in, knowing he's ok is the most important thing, and then time can be taken to determine the best placement for him.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 09, 2004 3:46 pm

Well, more news to update, so I thought I'd add it on here.

I was able to talk to the social worker who saw Miu last week, and she said that the allegations made things sound WAY worse than they actually were, and the case will be open for 30-60 days, depending on how quickly she can gather the outside information she needs to look at the entire situation. I am relieved to know that Miu was cooperative, and that Deacon appeared healthy. I don't know any more details than that, and probably won't find out any more, but I'm just so glad she told me that intially things look ok - fixable with a few parenting classes, and time to grow up, really.

I also know that Miu has just miscarried. I'm sad for her, because I know that she was happy about being pg, but I can't help being relieved in part because Deacon will be her only child a little bit longer.

We haven't decided how long we are going to wait before proceeding with adoption plans again. Maybe I'll wait out those initial 30 days (only about 20 left) to see that Deacon really is ok. Even if he isn't, though, he'd likely be placed w/ a foster family in Georgia while Miu works through the possible reunification process - so even if in the end she didn't do what was required, as before, it'd be nearly a year before we'd be considering placement anyways. I might just decide to wait until we're more settled. Things have been crazy since we've moved in, and I'd like to actually enjoy some of this summer for being what it is: summertime that isn't blistering hot! I love it here.

Andy
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Postby MamaLily » Jul 09, 2004 9:12 pm

Andy -

Thanks for the update...I've been wondering how things are going. It's good to know that things are probably okay with Deacon. That was probably more of a worry than you let on here.

When does your exchange student come? Do you think you'll wait a while before placing your name on the adoption list?

Please keep us updated. I hope all is well with you!

- Anna
"The little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over." - Aesop
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 10, 2004 10:49 am

We don't but have a choice to wait to put our name on the list for at least a little while longer. It's $3,500 to get on the list, and we have very few options open to us to acquire that money right now. We are not being paid everything we are owed for our job, so, while they do owe us enough to get on the list, we're not quite sure when we'll see it, or if we'll need it to spend on the mortgage by the time we do. I'm just trying to be patient. If we wouldn't have just moved it wouldn't be a problem, so now we have plenty of room, and not enough money, when before we had not enough room, and plenty of money. :) Getting on the list now, or in a few months or 9 months for that matter won't really make a difference if the baby meant for our family isn't going to be born until next summer, so I'm just trying to keep the perspective that God knows when will be right for us to be on that list, and when it's time, we'll have the money.

Hiroko should be coming in just over a month. End of August, although she attends a few weeks training in Boise, so she'll be in the U.S. soon. We are so very excited about her coming, and really need to start preparing for her arrival. Right now her room is full of computers and keyboards, and that HAS to change before she arrives. :) We've received a few emails from them, now, and she and her parents are really great people. We feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to do this. I'm sure it will keep me more than busy while waiting to adopt. We're thinking of getting our profile mostly done, though, before she comes, so we can focus more on her once she gets here.

The kids have been enrolled in the Idaho Virtual Academy, a public charter school that uses the K12 curriculum. We weren't sure if they were going to get in or not. I think school starts on the 17th of August. They'll still really be homeschooled, but I won't have to take so much time in lesson preparation, and they send me all of the materials for art, science, math, music, language arts and history for both children. FREE. I'll also have a professional teacher to consult with when Aaron cries for a 1/2 an hour when I ask him to write a sentence, and there are activities with other IDVA families so they'll get social interaction with kids who are learning the same curriculum in the area. I'll be busy this year, that's for sure, but I think everything will pretty much fall into place as long as I can set up a schedule and keep to it.

Andy
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Postby MamaLily » Jul 11, 2004 9:55 pm

Andy -

You're a great example to me of waiting for God's timing to be right when it comes to having a baby. Thank you!

Everything sounds great with this exchange student. How much fun for you and your family to have her stay with you!

After reading your post, I couldn't help but think: How do you do it all? You are amazing! :D

- Anna
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Postby Ivydragon » Jul 12, 2004 9:25 am

One thing at a time, lol, no toddlers, and making sure that I don't overload myself.

www.flylady.net helps me a lot, so that when things get busy I don't just focus on one thing, and I still take time for laundry, dishes, the kids, my hubby, and myself. Oh, and I haven't decorated anything in the house or finished unpacking. lol. I also pray hard for patience, and the strength to do what needs to be done during the day.

Andy
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Our bump grows longer

Postby Ivydragon » Aug 04, 2004 1:49 pm

Well, I finally am writing an update. Several weeks ago Miu's status was nearly homeless, DFCS investigation and lots of anxious people. Today, I honestly do not know the outcome. I do not know if she was evicted, if she's moved, or if Deacon is truly ok. The fellow on Deacon's birth certificate told us he was going to go for custody. I guess time will tell if he really is.

We had to give up our spot on the adoption waiting list ~ other couples who want to adopt came, and we didn't have the money to put down, esp. not knowing how Deacon is. We just cannot afford to put $ in that is 100% nonrefundable, not when we could get called about Deacon. So, we're focusing on our foreign exchange student coming on the 29th, and getting ready for her arrival - no small task in itself, considering we have to finish off a room in the basement and move all the computers downstairs as well. Alden is job hunting to find some more secure work so that perhaps all this extra consulting work I've been immersed in will pay off into our adoption fund, instead of towards our house payment.

It's hard, waiting longer, but there's not much of anything I can do about it. Writing the letter to give up our spot was so hard I couldn't even hit send - dh did. So, I am hoping that no news means good news from Miu, or that at least after several months I'll feel released from this obligation I feel in my heart. I can tell one thing for sure - this open adoption won't be exactly open if she cares so little about keeping in contact to let us know where she is. If it's going to be less open, it won't be me closing the door. So sad, esp. when she appeared to want open so badly.

Hugs to all,

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby MamaLily » Aug 04, 2004 10:16 pm

Andy -

I really don't know what to say, except that I am so sorry! I can just sense how sad you are about all of this. That must be so hard to give up your spot and to worry so much about Deacon and Miu. I know how strongly you feel about open adoption, so it must be heartbreaking to have things change like this.

I'll be thinking about you...please let us know how you are doing.

- Anna
"The little reed, bending to the force of the wind, soon stood upright again when the storm had passed over." - Aesop
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Postby Ivydragon » Aug 06, 2004 9:57 am

Well, I'm relying 100% on the fact that I trust that God knows best. Right now it's really clear to us that we are supposed to host this foreign exchange student. I really do believe that certain children are meant for our family, and that despite how badly I want a baby, if I try to follow God's path for us, it will lead us to the right baby at the right time, and it doesn't matter if we're on that list this year or next if that baby isn't coming for 18 months!

I have had to put Miu out of my head. I don't think of her unless I have to, and it's been so refreshing not to be called for several weeks about her. I know it's probably too good to last, but it doesn't matter what any says, or does to try to help her until she's willing to help herself. Worry will eat me alive, and I cannot afford to do that. A new friend I have found here recommended I leave her in Georgia, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Following that advice probably saved my summer.

Yeah, it's hard, but I've been pining over the children I haven't yet found for 7 years. A few more won't kill me.

Andy
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Postby Ivydragon » Sep 09, 2004 1:30 am

Well, well, well, guess who moved back to Utah?!? Miu! Guess who is visiting Utah the first week of October?!? We are!

So, I will probably be seeing Deacon, and probably get to see for myself how he is. I am glad. I hope that things are either really ok, or clearly not, because I've really enjoyed the peace of not knowing, and I don't want to go back to limbo land.

We quit our consulting positions, which had turned into too rotten of a situation to remain in, and what do you know, we're owed over 1/2 of what we need to save to adopt. Hard, that. Alden's job hunting, and $ is tight, and there's just no way we can apply to adopt right now. Trying to be very patient. Seeing huge pg bellies at church, new friend pg, and cute babies to gawk at don't help the baby cravings. Trying to accept my lot in life.

On the bright side I'm busier than ever, and so there's not much time for pining, and we're enjoying our foreign exchange student. If there was a way to keep me "busy and out of trouble for a year" sending me a foreign exchange student and finding a new curriculum for the kids and being involved in music more actively again has certainly been a great way to keep me so.

Well, thought I'd update that at least she's out of Georgia and back where she has people she knows who know me who can keep an eye on Deacon's progress. She's also now in a state that knows her history, and will be keeping an eye out to make sure all is well, too. I am greatly relieved.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby MamaLily » Oct 22, 2004 3:34 pm

Andy -

I've been thinking about you...how was your visit to Utah? Is everything okay with Deacon and Miu?

- Anna
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Postby Ivydragon » Oct 23, 2004 11:29 am

Hi Anna!

Our visit went great. In retrospect I found it interesting that we spent more time with people we know because we adopted Adam, than with anyone else on our trip.

Anyways, we had pictures taken of Miu w/ all of the kids again, and saw Deacon. When we saw her she was working two part time jobs and seemingly doing well. Deacon is living w/ his paternal Aunt who has a baby of her own and is married as well. Miu's figured out her own foster care for Deacon, in my opinion. Sees him a few times a week. Is moving around so often from place to place that no one knows her address - like every few weeks. She does have a cell phone, now, and a bank account, too. Deacon looked well. He's about the same size Adam was at that age and has developed a bit more of his own look. Still clearly brothers by blood, but Deacon doesn't look as spittin' image of Adam as he used to. Deacon just goes and goes and goes. Thank goodness no one has the three of these little ones actually all together (Miu even agreed to that one) - someone would be clinically insane by now! Deacon is clearly attatched to Miu, but he also preferred Miu's ex-step mom over me or anyone else brand new to him and he'd only visited with her once before, so I'm hoping his attatchment is real to Miu and not just because she's familiar.

I left Utah feeling pretty good about the situation, I must admit. Hoping that Miu doesn't once again conceive soon, and hoping that she actually saves up some of that money she's earning so that she can get her own apartment and bring Deacon back to her own care. I really wonder how long her ex-boyfriend's sister is going to want to watch Deacon for her. Nadine (Adam's 1/2 sister's adoptive mother) went back to the restaurant Miu was working at (we visited with her there on her off hour) because of interest with her husband in finding a franchise to own, and inquired about Miu. She'd called and quit the week after we were there. The restaurant was sad because she'd been one of the best workers they'd had in a really long time. I just hope that she had a good reason, like a better job, to quit. I've not even bothered to find out for sure - I prefer to hope that she had another job to quit for, but her track record isn't good, and I don't want to know if she didn't. I'd start worrying all over again.

We also saw Adam's birthfather, grandmother, step-grandfather, great-Aunt, uncle, their kids, and great-grandmother and great-grandfather! Adam's birthfather has another girl pg. She's due in March. They aren't together anymore. Adam will be four in Feb. In March he will have 3 half-siblings younger than he is. Do we contact this new family to keep him in contact somewhat with a 1/2 sibling on the other side, too? Might she consider placing for adoption w/ us if adoption is on her mind so that they'd be 1/2 siblings together? Too much for me to consider.

All we know for sure is that we aren't done adding children to our family, and that we can't afford to adopt, and that we won't get pg again. Good thing I'll only be 30 in Dec. . . time is on my side, still.

Finally am able to put my miscarriage to rest. Received the surest sense that the child was a girl, my girl.

I have been chaotically busy, still. Living a teenager's hours when I'm 10 years past being a teen isn't exactly easy, but I'm not willing to send Hiroko off to school w/o someone there to wish her goodbye in the morning, and you cannot predict which nights she'll be up until midnight needing help on homework. I'm always playing catch up on sleep. The kids are on track with their homeschooling, I have 5 piano students, dh now has 2 part-time jobs, trying to make ends meet. I joined the piano teacher's association, and also have my name out there in a few places for accompaning (my favorite) for pay. I'm also in a singing trio learning challenging music. It's been a long time since I've had anything challenging musically, and I'm greatly enjoying myself - and I'm singing better than I ever have before - soprano, surprise surprise to me who was singing tenor last year - thought I'd lost my range, lol.

Trying to balance my schedule so that I can put more time in here, and keep my house clean, too. Finally carved out every other Friday for scrapbooking. DH says that God doesn't want us to be too overloaded, to take too much on, and he wasn't too happy when I told him I already was. Happy, though. One thing's for sure about my life right now. No time to pine for what has been lost, or to wonder when the next baby is coming. Hardly time to talk to my husband - but just enough time to miss doing so.

Andy
Mom to Aaron 14 (HG), Anna 11 (HG), Adam 8 (adopted), Andrew 8 (adopted), fostering a newborn . . .
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Postby Ivydragon » Aug 18, 2005 8:27 pm

Just thought I'd add an update for those who have watched our whole adoption process from the beginning of Adam.

Adam's birthmom Miu has been working full-time since February. She has her own apartment, was talking about buying a car, and has an educated boyfriend - a college educated boyfriend! She has a job with a future and she is working hard to keep it. Deacon is now two years old, and finally has some needed stability in his life. I am just so glad that she finally has understood what it takes to parent, and provided him with it. I'm so glad she didn't need to loose another child to the State. We are very happy for her. I know it would have broken her heart to loose a 3rd child.

She said something really interesting to me last time we talked. She said that she really wasn't Adam's parent anymore - just his birthmom, who gave him life, but that real parents did so much that she never really did for him. I was shocked. It was a totally unasked for comment, and really wowed me. I am so glad that we've had such an open adoption with her.

Andrea
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