Preparing our profile

[Ivydragon]

Well, I promised I'd share my adoption journey here, and so this is an update. I'll add info about this part of our journey as I work through this the next few weeks.

Our social worker dropped off 8 example profiles yesterday of families who used to be on the placement list we're about to get on, but are no longer (most of them have adopted). They were all different, and yet immediately some families stood out over others to me, and I can easily see how a birthmom could prefer some families over others simply from reading their profiles.

I'm really excited about putting our profile together. Many of them are like small scrapbooks with a dear birthmom letter. I wrote mine last night. Haven't decided if I'll post it or not. Maybe it's just too fresh, and right from my heart. It flowed much more naturally than I thought it would.

We went to get a new family picture done today so that we'd have one that was up to date - the last one was 18 months ago, and the kids grow so fast! DH and the boys had fresh haircuts, and Anna looked precious. She was really proud that her gap in her teeth was showing from her recently lost teeth! lol. Adam was good as gold for pictures. My goal is to have the profile done when we get our pictures back in three weeks. I hope by then we'll be paid the extra our music contractor owes us, because it's enough to get us on the list. I just have to hope and pray that the money will arrive when the timing is right.

Anna is so excited about the whole process. She looked at the other profiles, and really seems to understand what making a profile of our family means for us towards this adoption. She has already decided what pictures she wants to include on her page. The other kids quickly decided as well, so I think it will be exciting to put together as a family.

Andy

[Ivydragon]

Ok, I need help. Let me tell you the complaints, first, then I'll post my Dear birthmom letter here, and you guys can help me out. My Mom and sister read it, and they think several things, so I decided I needed more feedback!

1. Too long - but I think they are assuming that birthmoms might not be very educated, and that I should only put in the bare bones of what I want to say.

2. Treat it like a term paper - they like my last sentence and thought, but think I should also include it at the top in case the birthmom doesn't read to the bottom of my letter.

3. Explain about HG - they think it's too vague, and that it's not clear why we want to adopt - that they'll go "I've never heard of that" and toss our porfolio aside. I shouldn't assume they have computer access and will go find out.

4. Leave out Emily (Adam's 1/2 sister).

My points in why I wrote it the way I did:

1. It came straight from my heart, and really is why we want to adopt, and why we feel so strongly about open adoption.

2. I didn't want to focus on my HG. We are infertile by choice, and so many other profiles didn't mention why they were adopting, and I don't want to be vague, I want to be real people to a perspective birthmom, but I don't want to be "hey, poor me" about my pgs.

3. I tried leaving Adam's 1/2 sister totally out of it, but it didn't work - part of why I am so proactive in defending Miu's rights (she's Adam's birthmom) is BECAUSE of watching her go through losing two children to the state, and the attitudes surrounding the whole ordeal.

4. How do I condense 2 pregnancies and three years of supporting HGers into 1 or two simple sentences about HG?!?

Just tell it to me straight, let me know if my letter is vague or right on, because I really need to know what more people think of it - right now my dh and I totally like it, and my Mom and sis don't - I need people to tip my scale one way or another, lol.

Andy

[Ivydragon]

Dear Birth Mom,

As far back as I can remember, my Mom has related a story to me about myself. She always knew I was going to marry young and have a large family. At 4 ½ I had picked out the boy I wanted to marry, a large yellow house to live in, and the name of my son and daughter. My Grandmother still knows where that house is. I may have grown up to marry a different guy, and the yellow house we lived in wasn’t nearly so grand, but I never lost my fervent desire to have a large family of my own.
The door to adoption first opened in my heart when I was a teenager. A youth leader I had at church adopted a baby who was born addicted to cocaine. I remember watching her through the process, and I just knew in my heart, “I could do that.â€ÂÂ

[Lil7Deb]

Andy - Your letter is simply beautiful. I had tears in my eyes just reading what you wrote and feeling your emotions. Personally there isn't anything I would change. It's from your heart. You want a birthmom who can relate to you, and changing your letter might change the person who is right for your family. If you truely belive that there is the perfect baby out there for you and that God will provide ask Him what you should do about the letter.
I hope you find what is best for you to do.

[RebeccaM]

Andy, this is so exciting! You're getting closer to your goal!

This my humble opinion on your letter (which, for the record, I thought was really good):

1. I think you have explained HG and your reasons for wanting to adopt very well. Only thing I might do is add "extreme nausea and vomitting during pregnancy that causes rapid weight loss, malnutrition and dehydration in the mother" after Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Most people won't know what HG is, and that would be just a quick explanation without having to expand further. Other than that, I don't think you need to expand at all about your HG experience.

2. Adam's 1/2 sister seems to be an important part of your decisions and thought process, so I think it's necessary to leave it in.

3. I noticed you didn't include anything about your miscarraige. Just wondering if that would be something you wanted to add. (I hope I'm not bringing up a topic that is too painful. Is so, I apologize.)

4. I don't think the length is a problem. Birth moms will read all of it no matter how long it is. The only thing I might do is try to tighten it up, but even that is not really necessary.

My final and most important suggestion is: Go with what feels right in your heart. And from the sounds of it, that's exactly what this letter is. The LAST thing it is is a term paper . On the contrary, it's a very personal letter. MUCH different. You always seem to be very good at expressing your feelings so maybe you should just leave it exactly as you wrote it.

Something that always works for me when I am writing is to put it aside for a certain amount of time (maybe a week) and don't look at it at all. If you have additional ideas within that time that you want to add, write them down separately. After a week, read it again. It will be fresh and new and you will be able to read it differently. If you still like it just how it is, then go with it. Otherwise, make whatever changes seem right.

Hope some of that helps. I can't wait til you get it done and you're actually waiting for a phone call!

[dwtegli]

Andy, I think your letter is just wonderful!! I do agree with Rebecca on adding the description of HG. I don't think it is to long at all. I also wonder why you didn't bring up your miscarriage. Unless it is to painful of a topic.

Other than those points, I think it is perfect. It is from your heart and that is all that matters.

[Ivydragon]

Rebecca, I really like how you put HG, maybe I'll try that in there, and then set it aside for a week - that sounds like an excellent idea, and I know I have enough to keep myself busy preparing other parts of the profile to let that set for a week.

My miscarriage is still a difficult topic for me, and this is the place I discuss it. I lost more than my child. Most people have forgotten it ever happened. It's kind of like, "oh, yeah . . ." if it comes up. I had favorite baby names all ready that now I cannot use because they are tainted. I've been searching for new names since, so it's not like I can forget my miscarriage happened, I'm reminded every time I hear another 'A' name to try out. I have a brand on my heart stamped miscarriage, and there's nothing I can do about it. I miscarried just over a year ago. The child was a distinctive personality to me, and I'm not seeking to adopt to replace that child. I'm seeking to adopt to bring a brand new child into my home.

It's not that I wouldn't ever tell her, it's just that it's something that would have to be relayed on a layer of trust, from one woman to another. I don't wear it on my shirtsleeve like I can adoption and HG. Those things made me a strong woman. My miscarriage humbled me, and I only carry it in my heart.

Andy

[RebeccaM]

Andy,

You're very brave to even talk about with us here. I can't imagine how hard the experience was for you. My deepest aplogies if I reopened old wounds.

You are starting a new chapter in your life right now and I'm very excited for you. Your letter was moving and I hope a beautiful new baby becomes part of your family very soon.

[HdGAMom2B]

Andrea, Coming from another woman who's got a BM Letter out there, I really ilked yours! I think you spoke form your heart, and wre sensitive to the needs and desires/emotions of the birthfmaily. Be sure that when you send it to the agency, that you separate the paragraphs, because that will make your letter seem shorter. Will you be puttin glots of photos in there, because that will flow with the letter also. Photos of you and your mother, the yellow house, your children, that school you met at. There are many things in your letter I really liked, and I think that you can't avoid but tell WHY you're adopting. BUT, you can also just give some general info on that. Even though to YOU it is a pivitol part of your life, she wants to know how you will raise this child, what kind of person you are, and not just your past experiences trying to be a Mom. Just be mindful that this letter is the snapshot of how you and your hubby are. So don't get hung up on 'being chosen', or the feelings that you, on the flip side, might be able to choose how your adoption senario might come.

As long as you are completely open to how and when your child coems to you, by GOD,a nd in God's timing (and i see that you acknowledgd that beautifully), your letter will be fine.

I think that you should tryr to put yourself in the shoes of the birthmom, if you can, and read someone elses letter, and see if you know what life is liek in that home. How they'd raise that child, and see if you know them better, after reading their letter. Then, read yours again, and see if you would know you and your husband's realtionship, your lives ambitions, your personalities,a nd your dreams about parenthood this time around.

Some people choose to mention their children's persnalities, their hobbies, the kind of lifestyle you have with them. How they feel about your choice to adopt.

Some people talk about their experiences, vaguley, saying that you've lost children, experienced serious health issues, which you've turned in to a ministry to others living with the same health challenges. Being too detailed about why you're adopting, and now touching on you and your hubby, and you rlife, may give her one windowin to your life, but int he end, it's WHO you are, WHAT you do in life, and HOW you'll raise the child she's carrying.

I"m no pro. I just hava big mouth, and wanted to share my opinions. We've all got one, and some stink. I hope mine doesn't.

Beautiful Heatfelt Letter Andrea!

Christy

[MamaLily]

Andy -

I'm a few days late replying to this, but I wanted to write. I really like the letter. I agree with the others - you should writing a letter that is all yours and that comes right from your heart. Because if I were a birthmother choosing a home for my baby, I would want to read a letter that is completely heartfelt.

From my conversations with you, it seems that adoption has been a journey for you. You have looked into many different options and it seems that you have been led to this specific agency for a reason - just as you were led to Adam for a reason. And so I think you should continue to follow the feelings and promptings that you receive - from writing this letter to making your portfolio to preparing yourself and your home for this next little one. And if you feel that this letter is the right one to submit, then I think you ought to submit it. Or if you feel that changes need to be made, then I think you ought to make them.

I really liked the way you spoke about open adoption and about your respect for a birth mother's choices. Your letter conveys how strongly you feel about the rights of a birth mother - and I think that is very important. I am impressed that you loved and respected Miu so much that you opened yourself and your family up to heartache at the prospect of losing Adam. You wanted what was best for Adam and for Miu, no matter what the cost to you. You loved both Adam and Miu enough to risk being hurt yourself - which is so generous and unselfish. I think this will be very touching for your birth mother to realize, and your letter conveys it perfectly.

I want you to know how excited I am for you and your family! It's so wonderful to know that you will be adding another child to your family sometime soon. Please keep me posted. It is thrilling!

- Anna

[Ivydragon]

Christy,

Your letter just cracks me up! It makes total sense from your viewpoint, though, so no offense meant. Immediately I could see where you were coming from, and where I had completely forgotten to give the background of what my birthmom letter will accompany.

With this agency, a profile, or porfolio is formed. Some of them are like 16 pages, with copies that go to every social worker in the state working with this agency - 8-10 copies. I have 8 different example copies to look at, and they are like mini-scrapbooks, which is WHY I can write such a letter from my heart. What else we're including isn't set in stone, but this is what I'm tossing around in my head.

A front page w/ our family picture on it.
A birthmom letter from my husband and I - different separate ones from our own viewpoint.
A page of pictures of the two of us - wedding, ongoing courtship, a chance to talk about our relationship.
A page on each child, with a small letter to the birthmom from each of them, in their own words, 3 pictures each - their favorite in the last year, a silly one from the last year, and their favorite baby picture of themselves.
A two-page spread on us as a family done like "A day in the life of us."
A two-page spread on our birthfamily - all the people we know because we've adopted Adam.
A page or two on Alden and I, our favorite picture as a kid, our least favorite picture as a kid, and our senior pictures - a chance to talk about our interests and hobbies.
A page or two highlighting our objectives as parents: Education is highly important, the chance to develop into strong individuals, a moral upbringing, the right to have anything they want for a birthday cake (I've done a volcano, dinasaur, cars, Saturn (all 3d), cheesecake and whatever they want to be for Halloween (praying mantis, spider, pteradactyl, a baby sun, Jasmine, Emperor Kuzko).
A closing page of somesort.

I really want her to get a good feel for who we are as people, and that we're real. I really got the sense that some of these couples just looked too ideal and too perfect, and I want to appear tangible. Anyways, that's why I wrote my birthmom letter the way I did, because who I am will come out in the rest. I hope!

Andy

[RebeccaM]

Andy,

That sounds like it is going to turn out so cute! I wish I could see the final product!

[Ivydragon]

Well, if I can ever get it finished, I'll email you a copy.

Andy

[MamaLily]

Andy -

I realize that this may be on hold for a little while, but I just wanted to say how much I love your ideas for your profile. Your ideas are creative and "out of the box" and I think your birth mom will just love it.

- Anna

P.S. I'd also love a copy of it when you're finished!

[HdGAMom2B]

OK, Now I get it! Thank you so much for the 'master plan'. I was like, this is great, so what's the final product going ot look like? ok, I love it!

You have a great idea of what birthmoms will want to see, life at your house. I totally think that your profile (scrapbook/LifeBook) will be perfectly wonderful for your birthfamily. ANd you've been through this before, so it's not like you're clueless....

I"m very excited for you, and would love to see what you come up with in the end! Thank you for being patient with me, i'm waiitng to adopt too, and just wanted to see what you were planning.

Christy

[Ivydragon]

Yeah, I knew that others would want to know how I went about this, and actually typing in all the ups and downs would not neccessarily reflect their experience, but really reflect the truth that adoption is a journey of ups and downs and discoveries, and sorting out feelings, and it's not neccessarily an easy path ~ but like HG very worth while.

Anyways. I think I'm struggling most with having to put plans on hold. I was so excited about actually being "chosen" by a birthmom, because our birthmom never chose us, the state did. I was more excited about being "chosen" to be a family than the fact that the baby was likely to be a newborn, although that also held it's allure.

Andy

[mammaclare]

Andy--

Perhaps if your plans at the moment have to change to accomodate Miu's other child then you won't get "chosen" by a birth mom. However the way I see it, you have been "chosen" by God to be these childrens' mommies. Seems a much more palpable honor to be chosen by a mom, but from my vantage point on the outside, being chosen by God is the real honor.

I don't know how this fits with what your beliefs are, but in my mind, God sees you as an incredible mom. But, wouldn't it be nice if at least once in a while we had early access to God's plans for us?

[Ivydragon]

Wow, what a timely reminder - apparantly God has plopped me down right in the midst of many friends who know exactly what I need to read or hear right when I need to hear it.

I know it doesn't come across sometimes here, but I am very religious - I just keep it more private because I don't want anyone to assume that I'm unwelcoming or judgemental about women here because I have very strong religious convictions. So, your thinking does match how I believe, and I really needed to see that perspective.

Yeah, it would be nice to know God's mind - but from time to time he gives us a glimpse that I cannot deny the origin of, and perhaps I just need to trust that he knows the bigger picture, and stop sweating the small stuff. It's literally like your post was the final puzzle piece of much input today that I need to step back, relax about all of this, and put things into perspective.

Thank you so much!

Andy