To adopt - is it fair of me wanting to adopt and others

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To adopt - is it fair of me wanting to adopt and others

Postby Trie1970 » May 08, 2007 2:00 pm

I have had 4 pregnancy and have one living child... I really would love for more children... The thing is I had to abort the 3 pregnancy for health reasons with HG... I am kind of down on myself --- if only I could have been stronger -- and I fully blamed myself for only have one living chilld. She is 10 years old and means the world to me.. But I have always had these dreams of my future -- during holidays and stuff with me and my children and grandchildren.. We have looked into special needs adoption for a while now, we don't want our kids that far apart -- no more then 5 years.. So we are looking for a 5 year old to a 10 year old -- either sex and we are willing to take a sibling group of 2.. But the problem is , is me. We started to take classes for special needs adoption -- and it all came down on me during the class.. I wanted to cry and cry -- and scream -- that life sucks and isn't fair, and blaming myself for everything.. We get breaks every hour -- and my husband could tell and see the tears in my eyes - so I explained to him.. That I just am moody, and it's all hitting me, and blaming myself and thinking how unfair life is -- why do I have to sit in these classes and some people can just have more and more kids, and not having to take any classes, and is it fair that we are looking into adoption when I had 3 abortions - (they were medical reason) - but still some people can't even get pregnant. My family - who knows how will they really reacted.. Then I am also worried -- because we are so laid back -- we are not the "perfect" family - we yell at our child for things and we fight and we swear and on and on, we are not the happy - go lucky brady group, we aren't professional people, by any means.. We love each other.. My husband helped me - he said we are not perfect-- but we can give love, a fun -safe home - we can afford it - we can't help all the kids sitting in foster care -- but we can help one or two of them.. That helped -- but I am really worried and don't want to fail a child... Do I have right to adopt a kid - even if I abort those??? Will we be able to handle a child with needs - and stuff??? Just needed to get this out to someone and wondered if anyone else has had this feeling... or gone through this?? :cry:
Teresa
Trie1970
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I had to add this ---

Postby Trie1970 » May 08, 2007 2:11 pm

I did have my tubes tied and later a hystercomy --- so birth kids are out of the picture...
Teresa
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Postby justme » May 08, 2007 3:19 pm

Teresa,

Hi, I am so sorry to hear about the pain that hg has brought into your life. I think that if you have the love in your heart and means to adopt a child, then you should. I know that special needs children, and older children, can be particularly hard to place - you would be such a blessing in their life. It sounds like you are haunted by a lot of guilt which makes you question whether or not you have the right to adopt these children - I would like to suggest perhaps some counseling to help you work through the guilt. I am sorry that hg put you in the position of having to make those decisions - but I think that helping other children can be a great way to honor them and let your family heal. Also, I don't know if you are religious or not, but I want you to know that as far as God would feel - you are absolutely 100% forgiven and worthy of love and happiness. And he would be so happy for you to turn this tragedy in your life into an opportunity to help other children - he has always had great compassion for the widows and orphans.

Hugs,
Karen
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Postby Ben's Mom » May 08, 2007 3:44 pm

I don't know where to begin, but I'll try to start someplace...

First, I'll agree with the PP that counseling might really help you with the big (and very real) issues you're dealing with. We had fertility problems, followed by m/c, followed by HG. I would have never made it through without an excellent counselor.

We were purusing adoption before I got p/g with my HG baby, so I can tell you that a lot of the feelings you have about life being unfair is pretty normal to anyone involved in the adoption process. We were in the Catholic Charities adoption program, and one of the services they provide is helping everyone in the program come to terms with loss.

Now as far as whether you would "fail" a child -- that you are so concerned about it makes me think that you won't. Like a PP said, older children (especially older sibs) are sometimes pretty hard to place since most people are looking for babies. You are providing an environment where they have stability and love -- that's what they need more than anything else! They don't need riches, they need love. Especially since kids in the system don't get enough of that.

Sounds like you're doing something wonderful!
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Thanks -- wish I had a look into my future...

Postby Trie1970 » May 09, 2007 8:32 am

You have all been helpful... I want to see my future -- what if???? I am not a very positive person or have much self confindent -- if you can't tell -- hee hee.. I have lost a wonderful mother in law -- so I know my lost children are with her and safe -- and being loved... I think of that a lot-- and look to the sky alot. I am not a real religion person - I am cath - I go to church Easter and Christmas -- My husband is Jewish -- we do not go to temple -- but we do the holiday things usually.. Couseling == I have been to-- and it helped alittle... But had to stop because of Insurance-- Insurance -- Insurance-- I hate that word-- and I use to work for a insurance company... Our insurance only covers for life and death situation... Pretty sad if you ask me... The people who decided that -- had never been through a death - or felt worthless or helpless... It does help to be here and talking and reading all of the these... Thanks again...
Teresa
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