I want to adopt, dh wants to conceive...!

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I want to adopt, dh wants to conceive...!

Postby sickmama » Feb 02, 2005 1:15 pm

I've been away for awhile, dealing with an inner ear disorder (as if hg weren't enough for the rest of my life???). It's been nearly 20 months since Miya was born and over two years since hg hit, and I still shudder at the memory of it all. Despite that, I've been seriously bit by the baby bug again! Dh has as well, but that is about all we agree on...

He wants to have another bio. baby. I'm not really into doing it again, especially with dh working full time and with an energetic toddler running around. It would be impossible to take care of Miya with the kind of hg I have. We can't afford daycare, much less someone to take care of me. Dh has no flexibility with his job. We have no family that can help nearby. Yet, he wants me to just suck it up and do it again.

I desperately want another child, and would love to adopt. I've done a lot of research and would love to try a domestic adoption, and with the tax credit and other financial aid, it is SO affordable! But dh is really against it, and won't really explain why, he just calls it instinct. He says he'd rather have no more children than adopt one. This KILLS me!

So what do I do??? I don't want to push him and have him give in, that would be wrong. He has to want it too. But do we BOTH need to be miserable without a second child? Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice?

Thanks so much for listening, just getting it off my chest feels nice.

Karen - HG Survivor
Mother of Miya Laurenza, born June 5, 2003 - severe HG until 16 weeks, then mild HG until delivery
Siena Michaela - due July 16, 2010 - mild HG 5-16 weeks, medically fluffy since then.
Blog: http://hgkaren.blogspot.com



"Courage is not about being unafraid, it is being scared, and doing it anyway!"
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Postby aaronsmommy » Feb 02, 2005 5:03 pm

Good to see you again!
Here we are sort of in the opposite situation. I would still like to do the pg thing again, and Mike can't even stand to have it mentioned. We don't even talk about it - it's the big albatross in our relationship. Neither one of us is feeling a great itch right now, so we're just waiting, but I'm not getting any younger and the clock is ticking. What I'm hoping is that over time I will be the one to come around and feel like adoption is the right thing because pg would be so impractical even if my husband was on board. Otherwise, I hope that we will win the lottery (difficult since I don't play) so I can afford the $200,000 or so that we would need to financially survive a pg, plus enough to get my mom to quit her job and get her an apartment nearby to help with Aaron during pg. Like I said, pretty impractical.
If you can stand to wait, I think that would be the best thing. Things change, feelings change and one of you may change your mind over time. Go ahead and explore the options. Maybe more information about adoption, and meeting people who have adopted, might change how he feels. Maybe you can figure a way to make a pg work.
One thing is for sure, dou can NOT do another pregnancy without help. Although you can plan ahead and hope to have a better experience, planning on that is a set up for disaster.
Good luck,

Aaron 12/4/02
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Postby adelmaal » Feb 07, 2005 8:01 pm

Maybe you could both talk to a therapist about it? You might be able to come to a compromise with the help of an impartial third party? Just a thought.


What if you both decided to love each others ideas for a month or two. You could both investigate the adoption route together, visit some places, meet some children needing homes, etc. You could also both investigate doctors and options for HG, really exhaust the option of having another child biologically and find out if there is a doctor that can help you, etc. Maybe once you are both done loving each others' ideas you will be better able to assess what is realistic for your family and come to compromise?

I can tell you really want another baby and it just kills me to think you can't have that because of HG. I was adopted myself and am so thankful for the parents God gave me. My mom always tells me how special it was to have me because I was chosen.

Alexandria Caelan, DOB 3/25/95
Cole Vincent, DOB 5/27/98
Raegan Reese, EDD July 24 2005
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