Extreme sadness

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Extreme sadness

Postby mandi » Oct 25, 2004 3:37 pm

Hello all, I had to make that awfull decision to terminate nearly a year ago. It was my fourth HG pregnancy, and the fourth termination. There was nothing they could do for me as I'am allergic to all sickness medication. And it was'nt till after the last termination that I found out they could have tried steriods. But all they did try did not work. It was if they never really took me seriously. When I heard proparly about this condition (as they never told me there was a condition) and the possibility of steriods, it was already too late. I had already been sterilised as I could'nt go through having to make that awful decision to terminate again. I hated myself so much for terminating, but I just begged them to make the sickness go away. It was all day and all night and it was like torture. I even tried acupuncture but that did'nt work either. I have gone through this four times over ten years, hoping each time that it would'nt happen next time. But it always did. And I allways swore that I would make myself put up with the sickness. But it was like it took over me and I just could'nt carry on being so sick. The sickness all day, the mouth constantly filling up with saliva which made me more sick and the depression. I so wanted a baby with my husband, and I still do, buts its too late now though. I keep thinking that I should'nt have been sterilised, but I did'nt know what else to do. Still its probably for the best anyway. No baby deserves to be kept on being terminated like that. It was my own fault. I should have stopped it sooner. I just so hoped and convinced myself it would be ok next time. But it never was. Still thats in the past now and I just have to try to come to terms with it as best I can. Its just that my step daughter has just told us that she is pregnant. She's 19 and single and definately did'nt plan it and she is 12 weeks along. And she told us exactly on the day that a year ago I found out that I was pregnant. I desperately want not to feel jealous, but I can't help it. And its just stirred it all up again and I feel so depressed, like I was when it happened. But there is nothing I can do about it though. I've just got to get on with life. But it is so hard and I feel so tired. Well thankyou for listening to me. This is the first time I have told anyone how I feel and proparly all about it, as no one could understand how I felt before. And if there is an after life I just hope my babys can forgive me. I will love them and hate myself for what I did to them all the days of my life.
mandi
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deepest sympathies

Postby IslandDreamer » Oct 26, 2004 8:27 am

(((Mandi)))

I am so sorry for all you have gone through. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your children. While I have never terminated a pg, I thought about it at times when pg with Hope. But it never became an issue as her soul departed on its own. The grief of losing a child is unreal. I miss my little one so much. She would be due soon. I am truly sorry you must endure this grief four times over. You are in my prayers.

In addition to this site (HER) being safe to share your heart, there is a Christian forum called Hannah's Prayer that has a locked board for post-abortive healing called God's Grace. (www.hannahsprayer.org) Only women recovering from the hurts of termination can get into the Grace board. There are also several other resources I am aware of: Project Grace, Project Rachel, and the like.

My faith is my foundation in this time of loss, and I strongly believe our children are in heaven with God. They are filled with joy and never had to know "the wrong side of grace." They know only love, and that means their love for you and me, too. I also know that you are forgiven by God...you only need ask to receive that forgiveness.

The timing of your step daughter's announcement must be horribly painful as well. There really are no words, but I am sorry about everything you are facing.
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reply

Postby mandi » Oct 26, 2004 2:37 pm

Thankyou Suzanne for replying to my letter. It so good to finally be able to share this grief with someone who can understand what you have been through and are feeling. In this past ten years of this awful journey I have never been able to discuss it with anyone, and so unfortunately just churned it over and over in my head. I came so close many times to wanting to end it all as I hated myself so much for what I had done. But I never went down that road as I have a wonderful 16 year old son who is the light of my life. He is the kindess and most lovely boy who I'am extremely proud of. He was the one thing that kept me from doing anything silly as I could never leave him like that. Even when I was at my lowest I would look at him and I knew that I had to carry on for his sake. When I was pregnant with him I just had a bit of sickness but nothing unbearable. So why does HG suddenly decide to rear its ugly head and never leave you after that. It is'nt fair, and I'll hate this illness for the rest of my life for taking my babys away from me. But I have my husband who has been wonderful throughout. But most of all I have my son.
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Postby mandy » Oct 27, 2004 7:47 am

Hi Mandi,

I just had to say that many of us considered terminating our pregnancies. When you are that ill you just need to 'get out' of it, any way possible. It is awful and even now we are well we probably can't appreciate just how terrible that time of our lives was and how it effects your body and mind. I just scraped through with my first but if it had been a little worse I would not have coped. I just want you to know we understand and feel for you deeply. You should not feel guilt. You did what you had to do to survive hyperemesis, how can anyone think that is wrong?

Best wishes,
Mandy x
mother of two
hg from wk 6 - daughter born in 1999
hg from wk 5 - son born in 2002
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our sons

Postby IslandDreamer » Oct 28, 2004 11:16 pm

Mandi,

Hi again. I'm so glad you have your living son. I have a son with me also: Christopher is 5 years old. He's the most wonderful little guy. For me, having him watch me suffer with hg made my pregnancy with Hope even more difficult. Then to lose her, not carry to term and give him the sibling he has always cried for...it's so hard. HG is cruel...and so misunderstood.

As you know, you have a home here, as we all do. Whenever you want to share your thoughts or tell us about your children, all 5 of them, we will listen. All your babies will be loved and honored.

Suzanne
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I felt compelled to reply.

Postby C'Smom » Nov 11, 2004 4:56 pm

Mandy,

Thank you for posting your story. I felt compelled to reply to your posting when I read it because I can truly relate. Reading your story has helped me today, the day I found out my older sister is pregnant. This news has also stirred up in me many feelings that I try to suppress daily. I hope that my story can help you too in knowing that someone else understands the grief and guilt you feel. It's so strange because I read your story and I feel that you did nothing wrong as Hg gave you no other choice...it is not your fault BUT I can't tell myself the same thing. I can't forgive myself. Here's my story which I have never told anyone outside my family and best friend.

I too terminated a pregnancy one year ago because of hg. It was my second pregnancy with hg and it was much worse. (I barely made it through my first pregnancy because Zofran barely worked and gave birth to a 3 pound undernourished baby ((but thankfully healthy)). ) With the second pregnancy, nothing would work, not even Zofran. I was vomitting 25 to 30 times a day, in and out of the ER for IVs, and I was also hospitalized and felt like a lab rat as they tried every antiemetic in existence (except for Steroids!). They said the next step would be a picc line and/or possibly tube feeding. I was terrified out of my mind!! I heard so many negative things about picc lines and how dangerous or fatal it could be and the thought of leaving my 3 year old child without a mother was just too unbareable to imagine. Even the thought of being tube fed in a hospital for 8 more months and how it would devastate my 3 year old was just too much to bare. I couldn't bare what it was doing to my 3 year old as it was...she no longer had a mommy but, a shell of a mommy. It was also so devastating to my husband and our extended families...I was going out of my mind in this horrible hellish existence that hg is and I felt that termination was the only way out. I had started to cramp and spot a bit and convinced myself that I was probably losing the pregnancy anyway and I was told that prior to 12 weeks it was a less dangerous procedure than after so that if I were going to do it, then I needed to do it now...As I was so totally terrified, I convinced myself it was the only decision to make...I was 11 1/2 weeks along when I terminated. That morning when I went in for the termination the technician looked for the heartbeat and at first she couldn't find it, then she found a very abnormally slow heartbeat. That heartbeat, I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even though (after the termination) my ob said I would probably have miscarried, the fact is that I ended my baby's life and I can't stop thinking that if I could have hung on I might have a 6 month old baby in my arms right now...or at worst I would have miscarried and while the loss would still be unbareable, at least I wouldn't be living with the guilt and anger that I live with everyday. I am so ashamed of what I did and hope that my baby too will forgive me. My four year old daughter gives me my reason for living and the strength to go on but, many days I look at her and wonder what she will think of me one day when she learns that I ended her sibling's life...I wonder if she will forgive me.
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