m/c - edd approaching

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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m/c - edd approaching

Postby Gail » Aug 02, 2004 3:27 pm

I've found it very hard to think of anything else but my little lost one today. My due date's approaching fast, Aug 15th. Ive been able to accept what happened all those months ago, but now all those sad feelings are returning. I don't want to forget this date but I want to be able to function on this day. How has anyone else delt w/ this? I just don't know how to cope at this point. :(
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
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Postby emily » Aug 02, 2004 5:58 pm

Gail,

I haven't ever dealt with this but the thought of how hard an EDD with a miscarriage would be has crossed my mind on occasion. I don't have any ideas for you because I haven't been there, but I just wanted to let you know that I can only begin to imagine how hard that would be. So, just a hug to say I am sorry and I care.

Emily
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Postby aaronsmommy » Aug 02, 2004 9:55 pm

My due date approaching triggered a lot of memories too, and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it. I planned something special with my husband for the actual day (we went to disneyland) and it actually ended up being a very special and healing day. It wasn't that I didn't think about the baby I lost, I thought about him a lot, but it forced me to enjoy myself and honor his memory in much better way than I had been doing.
It turned out to be sort of a turning point in my grieving, and after that I found that I could enjoy myself at times and not cry with every thought of my baby.
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
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Postby Gail » Aug 03, 2004 8:35 am

Thank you both for responding. Any thoughts are helpful. We went away on two mini vacations as a family after the m/c, and it helped tremedously!! But unfortunately, the 15th falls on a Sunday and I am a nurse at a hospital and I only work on the weekends. Taking off is not an option either at this time. I know the day will come and I'll get through it . I haven't spoken much about how I'm feeling w/ my husband yet because I think it was even harder on him. This pg was not planned b/c I had never wanted to go through all the hg again. So he was ecstatic when he found out I was pg, and devestated when I had the m/c. I'm am definately going to try to think of somthing special to do. Thanks again for the support.
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
Gail
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due date

Postby IslandDreamer » Aug 03, 2004 11:25 am

Hi Gail,

Our stories are so similar. . .unplanned angels. . .fears of hg. . .husbands who can't speak about the loss yet. . .I too am wondering about my due date, still a few months off. I would encourage you to post a question at the MISS site for suggestions and help on this one. . . :cry: many before us have somehow survived the memories and sorrow. I still cry with each thought of Hope. If you want, I will post your question for you. . .whatever you want.

Having to work is tough. I already emailed my boss that I would NOT be available to students, what did she want me to say to them about that weekend-I claimed the day before and after as mine too, would others cover for me if necessary? (Lucky me I don't have to teach that day. . .or else I would have just cancelled class or found someone to cover. . .I just don't care. . .the students' brains will survive. Working in healthcare creates a different circumstance all together. Maybe the distraction of daily duties will be helpful?)

A few things I've done already to remember Hope include releasing a balloon the day of Christopher's birthday party. . .he should have been able to feel her kicking, the one gift he wanted most that I can't give him. Anyway, wrote her a note, attached a picture, and balled in the parking lot of chuck e cheese. Maybe you can get an extended break if you want to do something like that. Call me crazy, most people do, but I swear I saw an u/s image in the cloud when the balloon disappeared.

I will pray for you that day, call if you want, whatever I can do to help you through it. . .


Missing your precious angel with you.
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Postby Mar2 » Aug 05, 2004 1:18 pm

Gail & Suzanne - I was really upset not to be pregnant again as the anniversary of my due date approached. My parents and husband were very aware of this, so my dh took the day off and my parents drove 5 hours to visit. We all went to a gardening center, purchased a dogwood tree, and planted it in memory of my first baby's edd. It gave me something to do, besides work, and some place to focus my thoughts and feelings for the baby (as it does to this day). And it gave me something to do besides obsess about TTCing; I could never replace my first baby but I really needed to face HG again and I really needed a baby to hold and love. So, even though my arms felt empty that day, I think in retrospect the months of worry and anxiety over that looming due date were much worse than the actual day. Of course, my family's kindness and support helped immensely.

My mom especially helped me by showing me ways to celebrate the brief time I had with the baby rather than just mourning the loss. She said... Despite my empty arms, I held that baby in the most precious way possible. Despite my terrible sickness, my baby knew only the warmth and love of my body. I am so grateful for our brief time together and for the lessons he taught me. Those lessons strengthened my trust in my dh (which I wouldn't have thought possible because I already trusted so much) and helped me bring my daughter safely into the world and into my arms.

Now that I am 2+ years away from the loss and almost two years past the edd, I still feel grief...but mercifully, not every minute or every hour or even every day like that first year and a half. Maranda's birth helped me so much; I was obsessed and depressed and stressed to the Nth degree before her delivery.

I guess you will find your own unique ways to cope with that day and with your grief. It may be with lots of tears or with lots of laughs or with immersing yourself in work or with some combination of all three. But I doubt you will deal with it by forgetting...even though that wouldn't be such a bad way to cope.

Obviously, nothing will erase the pain nor would you want it erased. But eventually, time and grief and support from a group of women who had suffered similar losses gave me some relief. I wish you the best and pray you find some solace from your grief in the days to come.

Take care,
Marla
------------------------------------------------
HG PG 1: miscarried at 16 weeks 3/18/2002
HG PG 2: baby girl 5/29/2003
Step-Son: born 11/26/1990 (acquired May 1997)
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advice from other Mothers

Postby IslandDreamer » Aug 08, 2004 4:27 pm

Dear Gail,

What to do about edd? I asked the MISS Mommies and they answered. Marla's post above is very helpful too.

Someone sent me an email, can't find it now :roll: It said that taking an hour the day before or day after and dedicate that time to reflection, remembering, crying, being with your baby.
______

Here's some of the other advice from MISS Mommies

One thing the head of the ob grief team said to me, about two weeks after Hope was born, was to "pick" a due date . . .I'd been given several because of the many appts, complications, and u/s. So I picked. Do you think it would work for her to "pick" another day to spend with her baby?

Maybe being busy and working will be better?

Suzanne

_______________



I am sorry your friend is hurting.

I don't have any advice on this sweetie. On my due dates and on the anniversaries of my children I plan to have at least an hour to myself. Once, I had an exam (I was a teacher) and couldn't cancel it, so I took the next day off to be by myself.

Hugs,
Carla

___________________

I hate that your friend has to work that day.

Maybe she could release a balloon in memory of her baby's due date the day before? And maybe she could find a special pin to wear at work the next day?

That is all I can think of at the moment.

Many hugs,
Ginger
______________________________

I went to work on Skye's due date - I just didn't see any point in hanging about the apartment all day, waiting for my husband to come home. I bought Skye a blank card and John and I both wrote in it... I think as the years go by that I will spend the day differently... or not.
Wishing you and your friend well,
Carolyn

_________________



I wish I had some wonderful advice. The day of Elissa's due date is sort of a blur. I know it was terribly hard and filled with tears, frustation, and pure devastion. Luckily, once that day passed I felt a weight was removed. My best advice is actually for you. Aknowlegde the day and her loss. You can't take her pain away, but knowing you care deeply for her will help her survive the day and the days to come.
Stephanie

____________________

My due date was 25 May 04. For me, it was hardest leading up to that day. Once 25 May came, it was just like any other day and it was actually much, much better than the days leading up to it. On the actual due date, I kept myself busy by painting my mother-in-laws livingroom. I was doing something, but had quiet time to reflect and think about my loss.

Cindi

_______________

Pursuant to what Stephanie said, what can I or any of your HER friends or any other friends do to make your day better. . .whatever better is?
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Postby Gail » Aug 09, 2004 5:57 pm

Thank you for all the good suggestions. I'm still not sure what I'll do. We just moved in to the new house. So I've got alot to so to keep me busy. Also I won't have my computer fo a couple of days so I'll check i when I can (it's still at the old house) Thanks again all the advice has already helped. Thanks for thinking of me.
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
Gail
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Postby Gail » Aug 12, 2004 12:04 pm

I think I found a way to celebrate my loss. I recently discovered (to my surprise) that my daugter's guinea pig is pg. I picked it up for the first time in weeks to discover this. The babies could be coming any day. I've decided to keep all of them if I can. Seeing the joy in my chidren awaiting the birth of these babies has given me great joy and has helped to ease some of my pain. Sunday will still be hard but having something else joyful to look forward to is a blessing.
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
Gail
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Posts: 971
Joined: Jun 02, 2004 12:58 pm
Location: Maryland

cool

Postby IslandDreamer » Aug 13, 2004 12:10 pm

So cool...little piggy babies. What an exciting time for the kids. Yes, celebration...very important.

One other idea...you could take some time in the next few days to list and ponder the gifts of your baby's life. . .compassion, joy in new life, etc. Little Hope has quite a resume building, and it really helps to remember these things on tough days.

Love you!
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Postby Mar2 » Aug 15, 2004 11:27 am

Hey Gail -- Just wanted to see how you are doing today? I hope you have found some way to celebrate your angel. Did the guinea pig have her babies yet?

Thinking of you and your angel on this special day,
Marla
------------------------------------------------
HG PG 1: miscarried at 16 weeks 3/18/2002
HG PG 2: baby girl 5/29/2003
Step-Son: born 11/26/1990 (acquired May 1997)
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Gail

Postby IslandDreamer » Aug 15, 2004 12:55 pm

Gail,

Thinking of you and your sweet baby today.
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Postby Gail » Aug 16, 2004 8:54 am

Suzanne and Marla-
Thank you for thinking of me yesterday. It really does mean alot. Considering it was more then my husbnd did :( I do think that the anticipation was worse then the day itself, besides I was extreamly busy this weekend at work.
Still no baby piggies yet. Secretly I was hoping it would have been yesterday. We'll keep watching and waiting :D
Thanks again, you've been great :wink:
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
Gail
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Joined: Jun 02, 2004 12:58 pm
Location: Maryland

about husbands

Postby IslandDreamer » Aug 18, 2004 10:15 pm

Gail,

I'm sorry the day didn't carry the same significance for your husband. It is the same thing here...he's already done, not sad, okay, and moved on. To him I'm just "no longer pg." To me, our child is dead. I'm still bleeding for goodness sake, so how on earth can I be close to done...don't think I'll ever really be "done" or the same.

Still think about being pg, how far I'd be, how big she'd be, how often I'd be hospitalized :shock: ...The pg without her with me seems as long as the hg pg with my son, which means long, as you all know. I get angry :x when I turn MONTHS on the calendar to get to her due date or back to the short time she lived :cry: , but I digress...

After reading your post, I told :wink: my husband we were going on a date, and we've not been out the two of us in far tooooooo long. I arranged a sitter, our usual problem with adult outings, told our son, cleaned myself up, put on a nice outfit, made the reservation, the whole deal.

And tonight during our date, at a really nice rest. with a meal I couldn't imagine if I were still pg :cry: , I asked him (not the first time) to remember the due date. He asked what it was, again, duh :roll: , and I said, "December 4....REMEMBER IT" I ordered. (I have now put it on his work calendar.)

I'm hoping what you shared will spare me the same sorrow that day. Thank you.
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Postby Gail » Aug 29, 2004 9:15 pm

Suzanne-
I am so very thankful for all of your support. It really has meant alot to me. I hope things get better w/ husband. Just having a date seems like it was something the two of you needed. Hang in there it will get better, one day at a time.

p.s. The guinea pig had her babies the other night. She had 3 of the cutest little piggies I've ever seen.
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
Gail
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Posts: 971
Joined: Jun 02, 2004 12:58 pm
Location: Maryland


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