struggling with leaving 2005

[IslandDreamer]

2006 seems so far from Hope. I know she is no further or closer from yesterday to today, but 2006 is so far away from 2004 and her short life. I was all weepy last night but hid it because I couldn't figure it out...when 2004 closed, I was beyond thrilled as it had sucked beyond measure. Dh and I stayed up to MAKE SURE 2004 left (we lost Hope, dh's best friend, and almost lost fil twice)...hated that year. Now I'm coming up on two years without her and just hate that too.

Joan Didion (writer) was on Nightline this week and she said something really profound, or I think it was. She lost her husband of 40 years and 38 year old daughter within a year...could that suck more? Didion said, "The insanity goes away but the loss never does."

I guess the insanity over losing Hope has passed for me, and being pg with Jack and having HG was a huge distraction from her loss in that year of firsts, but now I get to pass all the milestones of her life all over again without the same distractions...and...okay, this just sucks.

Big old grief suckfest at Suzanne's. Anyone else wanna come over? After we have our suckfest here, we'll all go to Jenny's new house for spa time. How's that sound?

[Atsie]

(((((HUGS))))))
I totally understand what you mean. Jordan died Feb. 23, 2000. That year I felt the same way, that I was just moving further away from where I last knew him. Even still I find his loss to be painful. And he wasn't even my child!!!

I am totally up for the suckfest spa time!!!!

[Natalie]

ME, ME, ME! Count me in Suzanne.

I had such a crappy year last year, I thought I would be totally glad to see the back of '05 but then I spent 2 nights ago in just floods of sobbing fits because it's nearly a year ago since I got pg with the lo I lost and all the reminders and that we are getting further away from him / her and I wish I had that baby now. He / she would be 2 months old. Bethy would be an older sister already and in fact, the more heavily pg I get only reminds me of what I've lost.

The thing is now, I don't want the lo I lost instead of this one, I want them both And I can't have them both but I can't pick between which one I want more (not that I have to because obviously that decision was made for me) but oh, I dunno...

I wrote a post (during one of my sobfests - I could barely see the screen) on another forum I go on asking if anyone else had had a mc and was feeling depressed as their new edd came up and nobody replied. Then I just felt 10 times worse...

I will be doing 'all the dates' next year as you are this coming year without my pgy being a distraction.

(((hugs))) to you Suzanne.

Love Natalie, x

[BrandiJK]

I don't have much to add to this, and won't try to act like I do. But I want to just give some love out to you strong mamas. Take it slow, and let it be as you feel it. So cliche sounding...but true. You are some strong women, and those tears honor something beyond precious and more then worthwhile.

[Gail]

Suzanne, I think I'll be joining you too. 2005 has been a horrible year. I continue to think of the lo I lost even more now. I grieve the the child that I had hoped to try and concieve this year but can't now b/c I was dx w/ (what I feel is) a horrible disorder. And all of this combined has caused me to develope a severe anxiety/panic disiorder and have had to stop working and so far have been denied disibility pay, so I haven't been paid since the first of Sept. I feel like I could go on and on, but I'll stop now. So count me in, the spa sounds like a great ending to a misarble year!

[IslandDreamer]

Thanks for joining me! Wish none of us were here.

Erin, Jordan Elizabeth is named after this Jordan? I didn't know about this child. Will you fill me in?

Natalie, Totally with you on wanting ALL my babies. And the approach of Jack's EDD DEFINITELY made me think more about Hope...well, that and they basically shared an EDD. Isn't this lo due around the time of your loss last year? That's just hard.

Brandi, Thank you.

Gail, It's a triple grief for you, isn't it. The little one lost, the little one you wanted to TTC, and the diagnosis. I'm so sorry. What a totally sucky year you've endured. And the panic stuff...ugh. I'm feeling for you. Anxiety attacks are the WORST! Praying that the disability benefits are worked out quickly and that the panic/anxiety receive correct treatment. (Quick question: are you getting enough sleep?)

Love to you all.

And can we invite the studs from HG Island to our spa day?

[Gail]

Suzanne- on the sleep question. Yes,Yes, and Yes. I take enough meds to make anyone sleep. Once I'm asleep, I'm dead to the world. I hate to get up to get the kids ready for school. Thay are usually late(just a little). As for the studs, the more the merrier

[Atsie]

Suzanne,
I didn't want to hijack your post with my (what turned out to be a long reply) to your question about the first Jordan, so I started a new thread for it. I put in this area because it seemed most fitting. Its really long , sorry!

[christineb]

I'd like to join you as well, please. I know I'm new, but with my dad awaiting either angio, open heart surgery, or maybe a heart attack first, and my grieving and lamenting, and my daughter being diagnosed with her disability this past summer - it's been a sucky one for the Barilla gang as well. You rpost really made me laugh - thank you so much; I really needed that tonight. I'm in "voidance" right now - avoid the pain, focus on others' problems. I'm a pro at this...

[Jenny]

Ok, I am definitely IN (good thing too since we are gathering here!)

I have so many mixed feelings as this year ended and a new one began. I can not believe it is possible that ever in my life will a year be so hard as this one was. I have never experienced months and months of praying for death to find me. I remember I used to read the psalms and think what a whiner David was and how could anyone really want to die that badly, but this was my year for that. I just miss my babies so much and being with them seemed better than being so far away.

I don't really think of time moving on as me being further from them though, I think of it as closer to them, closer to the finish line where they are waiting for me. I look forward to seeing them and scooping them into my arms and showering them with kisses for at least ten thousand years! Then we can play some games!

The passing of time that scares me is that February is Joshua's due date, and March is Jordan's birthday, and July is Autumn's due date. I just can't believe that I started trying to have a baby May of 2004 and my home is still so quiet and empty. My sons still don't have a younger sibling to play with. By the time I have a baby even at best case scenario, Christopher will be 18! I had hoped they would have a lot of bonding time before Christopher moved out.

I always try to acknowledge the enorous amount of joy and hope that came from 2005, and I must do that now as well. Can you believe that although medical experts told us that Jordan would NEVER be born alive, he WAS! Not only that but I got to hear his one tiny cry, I got to feel him squeeze my finger. I got to kiss him goodbye. For that I will always look at 2005 as my year of a miracle!

[teddi]

Suzanne,

(one of those posts I thought I replied to)

I hope you are getting into the swing of things with the new year, I hope it's easing a little.

I can totally relate to that feeling. Cut on OR table= PTSD. Time just...seemed to be moving in the wrong direction, if that makes any sense. Initially I was NUMB, literally zero emotion and just watching my life like it was a movie. Once that emotional coma started to break, it was like I was moving farther and farther away from where I was supposed to be, like I was leaving hope behind, all the hopes I had to given birth, BE HEALHTY and enjoy my new babies. I lost birth, I wasn't healthy (honestly for the first 6 weeks, not any better than when I was sick w/the HG) Enjoying my new babies? They didn't even feel like mine, I would hold them and stare and wait for that "holding baby first time" gush of emotions, and felt nothing. Then the long road of depression/PTSD.

Time marched on, but my head and heart were stuck back before it all happened. I really spent all last year in my mind deep somewhere trying to figure out how to go back in time.

This new year feels like the real first, because last year just sucked (suckfest suckfest!). And even these FIRSTS are daunting because they shouldn't be this way (what I mean is there's always last year to compare to).

I hope this is the last, the last leg of standing on the other side of a glass wall with "normal" on the other side, so close I can almost touch it. I see it, i know what it feels like, but it's not mine to have.

The only thing I can figure to do, is to make NEW memories and to claim the time I have now.