Trip to the mall

[momtojoyandgrace]

I took my girls to the mall to have their picture taken with Santa. They wanted to put on their Christmas dresses and get "the most beautiful" (as my 3 yr. old said). I have tried so hard this Christmas season to do the things that I know my girls enjoy doing even though my heart isn't always there. But today, I was up for it. I wanted to enjoy my time and hadn't felt the "tug" of missing my babies.

But, as I stood in line for Santa, it hit me that instead of TTC another child, I should have an almost 1-yr. old. Or, I should be 6 months pregnant. My heart just dropped and I had to keep myself from bursting into tears. I know it's complicated by the fact that this is the first month back to TTC. Again. With my girls and Zachary, we got pregnant so easily I didn't even appreciate it. This month, my cycle is wacky and really long. I can't figure out what's going on. My heart just longs to hold a baby so much. Our girls want a baby and have wanted one for so long. Some days it just seems like this process will never end. As if the HG isn't bad enough...

Sorry for the whining. I know that the Lord will provide a way out for us. He will turn my sorrow into joy, but today, it was just sorrow. Thanks for feeling it with me tonight...

[Jenny]

Kim,

I am so sorry. I have found that these grief waves come at times I just don't see them coming, but Christmastime is even harder because there are so many reminders around. I miss my three babies so much. I just do not do well in stores this time of year. I should have a six month old (Jordan was due in May) or a nine month old (from when he was born) or be 7 months pg with Joshua or at least two months pg with Autumn. But here I am empty without a baby to hold or to grow.

I am sorry that this is all so hard. I can't make it easier, but I can stand beside you,

Jen

[IslandDreamer]

(((Kim)))

I'm so sorry. I wish ALL your babies were at the mall with you.

Love,
Suzanne

[Kariinbliss]

Just wanted to send out big hugs to all of you, and a big THANK YOU for sharing and helping me feel less alone right now. I should be 38 wks, barely fitting behind the wheel of the car about now. Instead, I'll be turning 38 tomorrow (weird how the numbers match, didn't think of that before...) and trying to get used to the idea of quitting ttc and never having another. THanks again for being here. I so wish that a board like this was never needed, but am so grateful for the wonderful people who can understand.