I am so sad. I need someone to talk to. Please reply.

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

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I am so sad. I need someone to talk to. Please reply.

Postby REBECCA » Jan 03, 2005 6:25 pm

:cry: I am right now 8 weeks pregnant to be 9 weeks pregnant on Tuesday. I am suffering from hyperemesis so badly right now. I have lost already like 10 pounds. This is my second pregnancy with this condition. It got worse the second time around. I lost 30 pounds with my daughter. I threw up everything and was always in the hospital. This time it is so much worse. I keep nothing down not liquids or food with zofran every 8 hours. I am at the hospital at least 2 to three times a week. I also have crohns disease. I have already had an intestinal blockage due to the zofran i take to help my vomiting. I throw up bile. I have dry heaves. People stop my and tell my i look jaundice and horrible. I have only the support from my mom and dad. My husband does not support me or understand me. I have Iv hydration at home. My body rejects every single Iv they put in my arms. I have no more areas for ivs to be put in my arms. I have had at least 20 ivs since the thursday before christmas. I have spent the last two holidays in the hospital. I have severe stomach pain, spotting and bleeding. I am suffering i can not clean or take care of my daughter, the house or anything. I have made the sad decision to end this pregnancy on Saturday. My husband says i am a murderer and threatens to leave me. I am so sad. I feel so depressed sometimes i just wish i could just die to avoid the pain and the suffering. I can not wait until this is over. I can not work right now this is a huge financial burden on my family. I never want to be pregnant ever ever again. I feel so alone. My parents are so stressed out from talking to me. I have no one to confide in. I actually pray for a miscarriage and i feel like such a bad person for saying so but i am so desperate. My doctors tell me their is nothing that they can do. I can't take Zofran, i reject the iv's, i can not eat or drink. I am getting skinny and all my clothes are falling off of me. I am falling apart and so is my family. At least i have one child but i am afraid that i can never have any more children. I have the feeling when my stomach is empty. I know what starvation feels like i am going through it right now and dehydration. My doctor won't approve a pic line or zofran as necessary by iv and no one person told my about steroids to help. I hate the doctors for not understanding or taking my for real. They say this is a healthy pregnancy. That is such a lie. NO one cares about my or the quality of my life. I can not leave my house or drive. My daughter can not be taken outside. I feel like she is suffering as well. I just need support from someone out there. Please someone tell me i am not alone. I have cried to much today my head hurts. Please write to me.
Thank you
REBECCA
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Postby Natalie » Jan 03, 2005 7:35 pm

Hi Rebecca

You poor thing. What a total nightmare you are living through right now. I wish there was something I could do tahn type on a board but I am in the UK.

First off, I would like to say that a lot of HGers pray for miscarriages to end the seemingly interminable misery - you're not alone in that one. A significant number have gone on to terminate their pregnancies because they couldn't take the suffering any longer, so if you do decide to go that route, you won't be alone there either. There are women on this site right now in the midst of HG and survivors like myself who all understand what it is like and will support you no matter what you decide. Also, know that you can come here and receive support whenever you need it. Hopefully, it should help to reduce the isolation you are feeling right now.

If at all possible, do try not to worry about your house and dd not being taken care as best as you would like. These things are only temporary (even though it doesn't feel like it).

I also have lots of questions... If your dh is not being supportive at present, can either your mum or dad advocate for you? Because (correct me if I'm wrong) it sounds to me like you're not getting the very best medical care that you could be getting. I can see that you're not a straightforward case of HG, but even so... Also, I don't understand why your current Dr. won't approve a PICC line. Is that because of your Crohn's Disease? Is it too late to switch Drs to a specialist with knowledge of HG?

I'm so sorry that your battling with this. Feel free to pm me. I am online most nights and also be happy to give you support as and when required.

Take care of yourself as best you can and best wishes.

Natalie
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Postby meg » Jan 03, 2005 7:35 pm

Rebecca,

I don't even know where to begin. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain physically and emotionally and that you feel you have so little support. What you describe sounds so sadly familiar to many of the posts in the first trimester folder. You aren't alone, not in your illness, your hopelessness, your despair, your pain, your guilt...

I do believe that you are receiving inadequate medical care. Do you want to terminate or do just want your suffering to end? Please do not end this pregnancy unless you are certain about your choice. I understand your desparation and I would never judge you for your decision. My heart breaks for you, though, and I have heard the anquish in the voices of the ladies on this site who have chosen to terminate. While I won't judge you, I can't urge you to make the decision to terminate. If you are not determined to make this choice, please seek out another medical opinion. Where are you located? There is a physician referral forum here or perhaps one of the women here might offer a suggestion if you ask for docs in your area. Why won't your physician authorize a PICC line? Have you discussed other medication options? I really was helped by switching from a regular OB to a perinatolgist. Is this a possibility for you?

Also, you need more support. Please go to the "New to this forum pregnant" area and request a buddy. There are many people here who will support you if you decide to continue with your pregnancy.

Good luck to you, Rebecca. I will pray for you. Please muster all the strength you have to fight for yourself and your baby.
Hugs,
Meg

Mom to Anabel (7), Patrick (4) and Moira Grace (1)
HG Survivor
HG Free since 4.22.05!!!
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Postby Gail » Jan 03, 2005 9:58 pm

Rebecca- My heart breaks to read your story. It was so similar to mine. I understand how you feel. My last pg was not planned though and I was misarable. I cried everyday and even called about terminating my pg, only I was unable to go through with it. So I hoped for a m/c. Unfortunately I did have a m/c and I was devastated. I couldn't believe how misarable I was. The pain of losing my baby was worse then the hell I was going through with the hg. I do know how you feel and I am willing to do anything I can to help you through this. Please feel free to pm any time. Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking of you :wink:
Mom to two girls
Sydney (6-7-95)
Lauren (10-13-99)
Lost Angel (2-9-04)

Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content---Bob Dylan
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Postby bibliojo » Jan 03, 2005 10:27 pm

Rebecca,

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I'm afraid that I don't have much to add to what the ladies previous to me have posted -- I do agree with them that you're probably not getting adequate enough care from your doctor -- if they could just get a PICC line into you so that you could get some hydration and meds, then you'd probably feel a lot better. My heart goes out to you. You sound so frustrated right now and at a loss at what to do next. I will be thinking about you and praying for you over the next few days -- I am here to help as best as I can!

((HUG))

Joanna
2 HG pregnancies
Lukas - February 2003
Katya - October 2006

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Postby mammaclare » Jan 04, 2005 1:41 am

Oh Sweetheart---I am aching for you right now.

HG is awful and at times entirely unbearable. It makes the world spin off kilter and you can't think clearly. What you need is an advocate that has the mental and physical strength to fight for you. You need better care and a new OB NOW. You need a PICC line, and Zofran more often than every 8 hours and perhaps another drug or two as well. You need all of this right away.

You are at the absolute worst point...right where I was almost 2 years ago. I was 9-10 weeks and wanted to die. I begged my own husband to let me terminate and he also said he would walk away from our marriage forever. We had only been married 2 months. I decided that I could hang on if for no other reason than him. I thank God all the time that he reacted so strongly--had he supported my idea of termination, I would not have my son.

So, please, if you wanted this baby, let's see if we can all pull together to get you better care and if you can hang in there for a couple more days, you may have a better outlook. Of course, there are many women on this site who have terminated as well, and you will find support and no judgement at all from us here. We only want to help you not hurt as much--and that can take on many forms.

If you can tell me where you are located, there are a couple people here who assign buddies and can also help you find a doctor whose head isn't in the sand. I will also email them privately and see how we can help you.

If you prefer not to share your personal information in the thread then you can email it to me by clicking on my name.

I am praying for you tonight...just focus on making it one more hour at a time.
Clare
Mommy to Rory Benjamin 8-28-03
And Kieran Alexander 12-15-06
HG Babies-Week 5 to The Bitter End!
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Postby Natalie » Jan 04, 2005 12:23 pm

Hi Rebecca

I just got back from work and have been wondering how you are doing today.

Thinking of you and sending big (((hugs))) your way.

Love Natalie
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Postby HGx3 » Jan 04, 2005 7:08 pm

Reading your post sounds just like my own story. When my ob would not approve a picc line after seeing me suffer with 2 other hg pgs, I found a new one. This can be stressful, but is beneficial in the long run. I am so sorry to hear your pain, but I want you to know that you ARE NOT UNIQUE!!!!! Your story sounds identical to many many many other women. My point in telling you this is so that you know that you CAN GET THRU IT!!!!!!!

Have you tried reglan? If you do not want to switch obs you can request a reglan subq pump. I dont know what will work for you, but it does sound like you need a picc line at this point..........I had nothing left to stick either, and a picc was my only option. If you are not getting the medical care that you KNOw YOU NEED.......FIND IT. i Am so sorry about your unsupportive husband...I can relate to that as well. Where are you located? Maybe someone in your area can refer you to a good ob. Also, have you requested a buddy? That can be very comforting as well. I will refer you to Pameal and she can assist you with the buddy process if you are interested. Please hang in there, you have come to a wonderful support system. we truly understand what you are going thru on all levels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
HG Mom to:
Matthew, 2001
Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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Postby PamelaRose » Jan 04, 2005 11:18 pm

Hugs to you, Rebecca. You have all of our support as you survive through this low point. There was another HGer here recently who suffered from Krohn's, too; I'll see if I can find her. I understand that you are in pain and depressed, and we've all had the dark thoughts about ending the HG. But someone else phrased it so well--is it the suffering you want to end, or the pregnancy? They don't have to be one and the same; there are other treatment approaches that may help ease it for you. Please let me know if you'd like a support buddy to get in contact with you--having an empathetic shoulder to cry on may make all the difference.
Pamela

4-Time HG Survivor
*Brody (8-11-98 )
*Avery (1-24-01)
*Reilly (12-16-02)
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Postby mlexi » Jan 05, 2005 3:41 pm

Rebecca,
There are no words that I can offer to ease your pain. Your story is so similar to mine. I have one child and terminated a pregnancy in October due to severe HG. My body also rejected the IVs and medications. My picc line became infected and I nearly died of a bloodstream infection. Every morning I pass a sign that reads Smile your mom chose life and I think to myself, Smile Christian, your mom did choose life. In ending this pregnancy you are saving your first child's life. I truly believe this. When you are able to once again care for your child you will know that the decision to save your life was the right one. Remember, if you died the baby would have died as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are strong and remember that you are not alone.
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Postby HGx3 » Jan 05, 2005 5:02 pm

This was written by Suzanne and I am copying this and pasting it here from another post, because I find it very compelling. I think it should at least be taken into consideration before making a decision that will effect the rest of your like..........



You are definitely in the hardest time with HG. The second half of first trimest, first half of second (did that make sense) are incredibly difficult. And it sounds like you have struggled a great deal physically and emotionally. I'm so very sorry.

You said you are considering termination, and I can understand why as I considered it too. I did not plan my pregnancy, did not want another child, did not want the hg, the perinatal depression, and the postpartum mood disorders I would get. But my choice ended when my daughter's heartbeat stopped. I can't begin to describe the horror and grief of the last 7 months. While I did not terminate and cannot say what that is like, I can share with you the pain of not having my baby.

Hope's death has been the worst nightmare I could have imagined...It took 2-3 months to be able to breath and get out of bed, and I now have postpartum depression, postpartum ocd, and post traumatic stress disorder. Nor did the end of the pregnancy free me from post natal complications, even though the hg did end about 6 weeks after she died.

On top of the physical complications is the grief. I miss her every day, some days it hurts physically. And now that she would be here (December 4 was her due date), I realize how long and short the hg would have been. My entire life, my daughter will be gone. The hg was a season, one that was potentially life-threatening and definitely nighmarish without a doubt, but so short in comparison to missing my child for a lifetime.

There is no judgement in my words, only love and prayers that you are able to find the strength to carry through the entire pregnancy. You clearly want to carry your child to term or you would not be here asking for help and encouragement. I can honestly say my loss is worse than the hg, and with Hope, the hg was unresponsive to any treatments, so I was very sick. I only wish no one else had to face this illness, these horrible choices, the possibility of a lifetime without their child.

What you have is this very moment and none of us knows what the next moment could bring. All I can offer is my love for you and this advice: Love your child. And I know how hard this is as I hated Hope for making me sick (the logic of hg, I know). But love your baby. Whatever you do, carry to term, or not, you will never regret loving him/her. I only wish I'd set aside the anger and illness for a moment to love the precious child I won't meet until Heaven. I miss her so much.

Love,
Suzanne
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Suzanne
2 hg pregnancies
Mother of Christopher, who arrived safely on July 27, 1999; and Hope, m/c May 25, 2004; Jonathan, m/c June 1998; Lily, m/c September 2003, forever in God's care (www.hannahsprayer.org www.missfoundation.org www.postpartum.net)
Huge Hugs,
Lisa
HG Mom to:
Matthew, 2001
Lauryn, 2002
Joshua,2004

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