Our Stories: Loving our Angels, Looking for Peace

Help with physical and emotional healing for moms who have suffered loss.

Moderators: justme, ***, deb

Postby justme » Nov 14, 2006 4:22 pm

Ten years ago I suffered from HG. I was in and out of the hospital put on Home Health and was pescribed Phenegran (yuck). I made it through 9 horrendous months and 28 hours of labor and ended up with a beautiful daughter. For years my husband and I decided one child was all we were meant to have because of how much I suffered with my first pregnancy, but as time went on I wanted another child and my daughter wanted a brother or sister. For about 6 months my husband and I carefully discussed having another child. I researched, prepared, and spoke with my doctor. I was told there were many new drugs ( Zofran) that the didn't use when I was preganant 10 years ago. After 4 months of TTC I became preganant. We were all elated I was so looking forward to having another child that I even bought a few things because I couldn't not do it with my first. At about 5 1/2 weeks I became ill. The vomitting was not as bad as in my first preganacy but the pain was. I was dizzy, dehydrated and could not even make it to the bathrooom without help. I cried constantly because I though that I could handle this again...unfortunately I couldn't. I made the heart wrenching choice to terminate at 7 weeks pregnant. At the clinic where I had the abortion during the ultra sound my husband wanted to make sure I was prepared to go through with it. My heart cried out no but my head told me I had to. For the few days after my termination I was so happy to just feel normal, I could take a shower without help! And then the emotions sank in and since that time I am in so much emotional pain. My whole family has been soooo supportive, they know I terminated and told me that after seeing me this time they were afraid I would not make it. Even though I have the support I feel like I let my husband and daughter down...they were both so happy to find out we were having another child that I cannot keep thinking that I chose myself over my baby. I am hoping in time this pain will go away.
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Postby justme » Nov 14, 2006 4:28 pm

When I was pregnant with Riley, I threw up everyday for the entire 9 months. They told me it would go away after the first trimester, then they told me it would go away after the second trimester, then they told me it would probably last the entire 9 months. It did. I barely made it to work most days, and then I would come home, throw up in the bushes outside my house because I couldn't make it all the way home without throwing up, and open the door to see my faithful cat who would see it was me and run right up to the bed because she knew that was where we were going. I swore I would never get pregnant again.

3 years later, I really wanted Riley to know the joy of having a sibling, so my husband and I began ttc. We gave ourselves a time limit because of our age (I'm 33 and am personally afraid of the 35 time limite). In the last month, we did it.

Between having Riley and getting pregnant again, I had developed a thyroid disease, IBS, and some intestinal problems. If only all of your doctors could get together and have a conference and say hey, not such a good idea.

I soon became very ill very fast. My doctor gave me a prenatal vitamin with B6 in it. They did a US to make sure everything was okay. The tech quickly turned off the heart monitor and said it was too early to tell, but it was obvious there was something wrong with the heartbeat.

I went back to the doctor and my husband assured the doctor that it was not normal for me to throw up this much, and that I had a problem with it in my first pregnancy. Also, through tears, I told my doctor that I was having a problem with depression. He said he was going to give me antidepressants. Then he said he couldn't, it wasn't good for the baby. I assured him that it wasn't going to work out to well for the baby either if I killed myself. He told me to "get fresh air", "wash my hands a lot so I don't get the flu", and "congratulations".

4 days later I was admitted to the hospital to be rehydrated. They let me go home the following day with a very low blood pressure and the admonition that I should drink plenty of water, but to be glad because hyperemesis meant that the baby was fine.

Although I had eaten and kept one meal down in the hospital, as soon as I got home I had dairhea (sp?). I quickly became dehydrated again. I couldn't even drink a sip of water without throwing up. And I was losing weight fast, in part because the hg made my thryoid go all wonky, and because I couldn't keep anything down.

A couple of days later I got a thing in the mail from the hosptial about Hypermesis, basically telling me to eat whatever I wanted as that was what worked best for us HGers.

I soon started having anxiety attacks, although I didn't know that was what they were. This burning sensation kept happening in my chest and arms and I was terrified. My heart was racing.

One day I called my husband almost every hour, crying, telling him that I couldn't stand the pain because my stomach hurt so bad both from being hungry and from vomiting so much. I told him I wanted to throw myself down the stairs, and then I did. Luckily, we have a very short staircase and its narrow, so I just bruised a little and went on. But he was very concerned about both my physical and my emotional health.

We began discussing a termination, something I never thought that we could even consider. But my husband was terrified that I was literally wasting away, dying.

Again I was in the emergency room.

My dd, Riley, began having emotional problems, behaviour problems, and nightmares. I couldn't take care of her. I couldn't sit up. I couldn't stand up. My neighbor took her to school, picked her up, and kept her until my husband came home.

We saw my thyroid doctor and we saw another OB-GYN, this one did terminations should we decide to go that route. I prayed for a miscarriage. I talked to my pastor (who threatened to put me into a mental hospital).

At my next US we learned that the baby measured at 6 1/2 weeks. I was supposed to be almost 10 weeks. 3 days later, we went in for a d&c.

After I got home, I laid on my bathroom floor and cried for hours. My husband played with Riley so she didn't see what was happening to me. My neighbor finally came over and played with Riley so that Tim could carry me to bed. Later, I would learn that Riley had taken my neighbor by the hand that evening and showed her the spare bedroom where she said, "this is going to be the baby's room."

I have spent the last month seeing lots of doctors. I am on anti-depressants, beta blockers (it turns out my body is producing too much adrenaline and causing my resting heart rate to be way above 100), and medication to control stomach acid. If I cough, Riley runs into the room and says, "Are you going to throw up? You're not sick anymore are you mommy?"

Although Riley knows that we are not going to have a baby, she is still very concerned about it. She always says, "babies don't eat suckers, only big girls eat suckers", or whatever activity she is doing. We believe that our baby was a girl, mostly because even before I knew I was pregnat (but actually was), Riley started saying, "I'm going to have a baby sister soon."

We have named our baby Casey Lee, and we love her and miss her. I spend a lot of time thinking about the things that she will never see, do, or say and wonder who she would have been and how she would have changed who we are. I have prayed that she is in heaven with God, and being a Christian I know that she is and that we will one day all be reunited as a family. I wish that her very short life would have been more peaceful. But she will always be my baby.

Casey Lee - EDD 9/04/06 (this date was actually revised to an earlier date but I keep it at this date because Riley's bday is in August and want her to have her own month).

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Postby Kariinbliss » Nov 16, 2006 9:08 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't know if you wanted replies to this thread or not, so hope you don't mind. I'm a couple of days away from the EDD of my 3rd angel, and am kind of a mess. After 2 healthy children (surviving HG barely) we had decided no more. About 10 years later, we changed our minds. 8 months of TTC brought us what was going to be our little boy. Yup, the HG hit again. Worse than ever. The doc didn't read my old charts or give me the meds that had worked with my younger child. At about 10 wks, after a couple of ER trips and a hospitalization and IVs in the office, they put me on home health. My IV line failed the second night, and it took 3 sticks to get a new one in. I just sat and cried to my dh and the nurses (yeah, they called in backup) that I just couldn't do it anymore, that I wanted to die. I remember praying that God would take the HG away, even if it meant taking the baby as well. He did. I was healthy as a horse the next day, but knew the baby was gone. Had my first d&c a couple of days later. Since I am a stubborn girl, I decided to try again... this time armed with info from this site (which I didn't have before). Sure enough, I got pg last winter... but lost that baby 3 days after my bfp. Ok, I guess it happens. Then I ended up pg again 6 wks later! What a miracle! And FOR SURE God would not take 3 babies, right? I was sick with hg, developed an infection from an IV site, was hospitalized... but thought our little blessing and I would make it through this time. I went in for my 9 wk checkup and everything looked GREAT. Uterus was growing, etc. When we got into the u/s room and on the table, I had a panic attack. I told the doctor I was scared to death that something was going to be wrong again. I almost ran out of the room, I was so scared. He assured me that I had done everything right, it all looked good, and we'd see a good strong heartbeat on the u/s screen. He was wrong. The baby had died a week earlier. My body had just not registered the death yet. It took another week for my body to deliver my last little angel. I had my tubes tied because I honestly didn't feel I could survive another LOSS again... not because I feared the hg. I still can't see babies or pg women without wanting to cry my eyes out. It isn't fair. Hard to explain, but it makes living every day tough. I keep thinking this week I should be delivering my little baby, not having a stupid period. (how's that for irony?) My younger daughter has not left my side since my first loss... she is afraid if she leaves, I'll get sick again. Not real healthy in an almost 12 year old. My older child gets sad about it now and then, and dh doesn't talk about it at all. I'm glad this site and this thread is here. I honestly wouldn't have made it this far without everyone here.
5x HG mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alex... returned to heaven 6/20/05
Angel... watching from heaven 2/2/06
Peanut... safe in the Father's arms 4/24/06
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Postby deb » Nov 17, 2006 4:48 am

a little over a year ago i found out i was pregnant with our first child. it was a planned pregnancy and we were very excited. dh and i had gone through some hard times the last two years, with him (he's australian) moving to a new country, learning the language and looking for work, and we were really ready for something good to happen to us. but things didn't turn out that way..

week 6: i started to feel a little nauseous. at that point i was still hoping i'd be spared the regular morning sickness, but i took it as it came.

week 7: nausea got worse every day.

week 8: i couldn't believe how sick i was feeling! i basically stopped eating

week 9: very sick, very thirsty, very tired, lost 2 kgs incredulously wondering how so many woman could stand to live through morning sickness. felt like an absolute failure. got an appointment with the doctor who gave me some meds and the instructions to just eat whatever i felt like and try to drink as much as possible. 'coke usually goes down quite well'.

week 11: the meds had helped some at first, but things got worse anyhow. lost 2 more kgs. asked for new meds, tried one, they made me go CRAZY. after that bad experience i just went back to the old meds. i was so wasted i couldn't think or take care of myself.

week 13: the nausea let up a little! i stopped taking the meds (they were doing funny things to my moods and i was so glad to be rid of them). i thought i'd passed the magic 12wk mark. however, things never got all the way better like they were supposed to. around this time i realized that my 'morning sickness' was probably quite a bit worse than the regular stuff.

week 14-22: this was probably the worst time for me, emotionally. i wasn't as sick anymore, as i had been at first, i was off the meds, and eating some and eventually gaining. but, it wasn't enough to recuperate. i was very fatigued and spent all those weeks in bed just trying to eat. every week i'd hope that next week would be better, but it never was. i was going in circles, eating, puking, sleeping.

week 23: we moved to a bigger apartment. people around me had started asking if we'd gotten all the baby things we needed (haha, very funny, i'd love to go shopping now, just stick me in wheelchair and cart me around while i sleep/eat/puke). however, that week, i miraculously did start feeling better. i went shopping once! my clothes didn't fit anymore, i started wearing dh's pants and jacket. i was showing and i was proud. my head started clearing a little and i was able to think a bit more clearly.

that week: we had our 2nd ultrasound appt. no heart-beat. i was sent to the hospital, they gave me pills to ready my body for the induction the next day and sent me home. my whole family (parents, 3bros, 2SILs, 3 nephews) came over that evening and cried with us. one of my SILs was pregnant too, about a month behind me. she sobbed. it was so good to have them there..

march 3rd 2006: i was induced in the morning and our precious baby was born in the afternoon. a girl, as we then found out. dh had been hoping we'd have the first girl in the family, and we did. we called her Jessica Heath. we had her cremated and put her ashes in with a potted japanese maple that we bought in memory of her.

since then, i have spent many many hours crying and grieving my child. i am a mother now, and i will never forget my firstborn child. i miss her terribly. but, i have also grown very much since then. i have gone through terrible pain (both HG and loss count as that) and i am still alive and breathing. i still have hope. i don't know where all of this is going, but as a christian i believe God will use my pain and experience to do good, somewhere, sometime.

i found that in dealing with all of this, i actually had a harder time at first facing the HG aspect. i knew about death and knew of ways of dealing with loss, but i had never experienced any sickness as debilitating and life-robbing as hg. it's not until i came here that i found out my 'bad morning-sickness' had a name and a description, and knowing this has helped me tremendously.

we still want to have children and will ttc when we are ready. this time, i will be prepared...

(by the way, SIL went on to have another healthy BOY. i was so glad.. there still is hope for us to have the girls in the family :) )

*jessica heath - hg, stillborn 3.3.06 at 23wks
*levi issachar - hg, 17.11.08
*sela enoch - hg, 4.6.10

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Postby deb » Nov 17, 2006 4:53 am

this is a poem i wrote a few months after jessica had died. i shared it earlier in these forums but wanted to put it up here as well.


you should be a mother
i say to myself
when i look at my face in the mirror

a healthy face
no trace
of the sickness that raged
that kept me from loving
enjoying my child

there were times i thought
i couldn't take it anymore
i wondered
if she died, would it all be better?
would i go back and try again
and be healthy this time
there were times i wished
it would happen
i felt no happiness
only tears
i wished she were gone
wished i had my body back
to myself

but sometimes in between i knew in my heart
the love
i wanted her

it'll all be worth it in the end
they said
all the tears, the sickness
you'll forget it all
the minute she's out
they said

she died
i can't forget

so hollow
those words ring in my head
worth it? she died
and with her my sickness
but now my heart is sick

sick to remember the days i wished her dead
how could i know it would really happen?
how wrong i was
to think her death could bring me relief
could ease the pain
stop the tears

no guilt i feel
God took her, not i
but there's regret
it's hard to remember
that some days i wished it would happen
and then it did
hard to remember the joyless days of waiting
hoping the misery would end
and then it did
and a new one began
no worth i see in that

yet, do i wish she had never lived.
how could i?
i have a child in heaven
a beautiful child
she changed my life
there must be worth in that

*jessica heath - hg, stillborn 3.3.06 at 23wks
*levi issachar - hg, 17.11.08
*sela enoch - hg, 4.6.10

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Ok my turn - updated story.....

Postby BethersinMN » Nov 18, 2006 2:17 pm

Ok my turn. I had posted my original story back in 2004 in stories of hope before I had lost my 3 angels. But I will give a brief update on that and then explain what has happened thus far.... In my first marriage it was very abusive and I survived HG (i don't know with that man) and I had a beautiful son Justin who is 10 1/2 now. HG hit at 9 weeks and lasted throughout the pregnancy. I was to the hospital 40 times. No home health care at that time or wasn't suggested and I didn't know about it. I truly thought I was carrying an alien or something. When Justin was 7 I remarried my angel Kevin. We have custody of my sister Patty who has mild downs' syndrowme she is extremely high functioning and is the little doll of our house. My mom had died 6 months before I married Kevin and we took custody of Pat. Well on May 21, 2004, at 4 or 5 weeks I miscarried our first angel, and then in Nov 2004, I had to have a termination at 10 weeks due to extreme stomach pain. It was like intestional blockage or something. I couldn't even swallow soup. HG hit at 7 weeks with that pregnancy. Then we decided to do it again and in July of this year 2006 I had to have another d&C because of my stupid stupid OB and her carelessness and thoughtlessness and the fact that it was all about the money UGH!!!! Let me explain. I had met with her in September of 2005. She told me HG was not brain surgery and that she would get me through it. Then when I made my first appt in June her office manager calls me and tells me she is canceling my appt because my insurance was slow about paying the claim from the Sept bill. I just cried. She told me either I pay the bill in full or I find another clinic. I called back and spoke to my dr's nurse. They decided I would have to pay it. Ugh! $400. I wasn't working and was on bed-rest so this was just great and HG was hitting hard. It hits for me about 7 weeks. Then for my appts it was never with my dr. always with her nurse. Then if I called with a question for my dr. the nurse always called back and tried to find an answer. Then the week we lost the baby that Monday we went in and I was so nauseous little did I know it was from ZOLOFT WITHDRAWAL AS SHE TOOK ME COLD TURKEY OFF MY ZOLOFT THAT I HAD BEEN ON 7 YEARS!!!! I had been throwing up and unable to eat or drink for a week. My dh is asking her questions and she just kept saying i don't know. I said this is awful I don't know if I could ever do this again and she says I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA!!! UGH!!! Don't claim to be knowleged in HG if you don't know the first thing about it lady! Ugh. Then she tells me not to be upset with her office manager that she has a hard job. Ugh again!! Then she drops the bomb. I won't be able to induce you but one of my partners will probably as I am due now a month before you. I just cried. It got worse towards the end of the week and I was in and out of the hospital and not eating and cramping either dehyrdration or I was miscarrying. I hadn't eaten or drank for a week. I was throwing up blood and in so much pain. :( They had me on morphine. I called my dr. as my blood pressure was so high and I was told i could die. :( So I called my dr. to ask for some suggestions. TO THIS DAY I HAVE RECEIVED NO CALL!!! So I had to go with what they were suggesting and I terminated again. :( I had panic attacks so severe and I wanted to die in my sleep. I am back on my medication. It is safe for pregnancy. If I can come to ever ever ever forgive myself, I know you girls that have terminated have told me you went on to have your baby and forgive yourself but you only terminated once. I did it twice girls! Twice. What kind of person does that. :roll: Like I said if I could ever forgive myself or if not forgive maybe deal with it, then maybe with a group of perientologists from the best hospital here in MN I will try again for an angel love for Kevin and I. I want it more then life itself but I need to forgive myself or deal with it and realize I had a bad dr. and no choice at the time. :( Here is the website of the peri's that I would go with if I do this again in 1 -2 yrs. http://www.abbottnorthwestern.com/ahs/a ... _perinatal

Thanks for reading.
BethersinMN- Justin 1/9/96 SEVERE HG (9 wks-36.5 wks) Ryan 4/18/09 (HG & Severe Preeclampsia and Hellp at 25 wks emerg c-sec 29 weeks) and 4 beautiful angels 05/21/04, 11/16/04, 7/28/06 & 10/6/12 forever loved with God & my parents till we are all together. We have begun another journey to bring another Baby-Love home. God please grant us faith, strength, courage, patientence and love through this each and every day.
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Postby Kariinbliss » Nov 18, 2006 3:16 pm

Bethers... I'm so so so sorry, darlin. Please go easy on yourself, you honestly didn't have a choice. You had to save yourself, since your doctor wasn't saving you. Take care, big big big hugs to you. And a one-way ticket to HG island for the doc.

Love and hugs to everyone. I'm sorry anyone has ever had to go through the double hell of HG and loss.
5x HG mom to:
Amy... born 1/20/92
Melissa... born 2/13/95
Alex... returned to heaven 6/20/05
Angel... watching from heaven 2/2/06
Peanut... safe in the Father's arms 4/24/06
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Postby gaia1100 » Dec 03, 2006 4:43 pm

Bethers- I am SO sorry for the nightmare you have endured. :hugs: I can't believe your doctor! You should not feel guilty or fault yourself for saving your own life. You had a TERRIBLE doctor lacking any form of compassion and apparently any intelligence. :twisted: And why would she tell you the manager has a hard job? Who cares how hard her job is- she's being paid to do it. :!:
I have also terminated two pregnancies, although for two very different reasons. I terminated at 11 1/2 weeks in July of this year. I didn't know anything about HG and had just moved to a new state- no family, no friends. My doctor was TERRIBLE! I made the heartwrenching decision out of fear for my life. These doctors don't realize their actions, or lack thereof, have such an impact on our pregnancies and lives.
Please don't blame yourself for what happened. It was the doctor's fault- blame her.
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Postby IslandDreamer » Mar 16, 2007 11:04 pm

HER Majesty
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