((((Sherry))))
I am deeply sorry that Caleb died.
The news from the medical records is awful. I'm sorry. Just when you are able to start breathing a little bit, some one comes and rips a new hole in your heart. I'm just so sorry.To lose a child under any circumstances is painful and difficult, but when complications like hg are part of the pregnancy, to lose the child seems even more unfair. I know. Too many of us here know this pain.
My daughter was younger than Caleb when she died...her heart stopped at 10 weeks and she was born at 12 weeks. I have grieved, long, hard, and loudly. At 5 months, where you are, I really struggled...I remember a day when I was simply paralyzed from the grief. We hosted a small group from church at our house and I refused to get off the floor of the office. Everyone met in the livingroom while I sat numbly in the back room.
There just are not easy answers, but the one thing I've learned during this journey is to try to accept however it is I am feeling. This has come hard, very hard. Some days I am glad to be Hope's Mom, some days I pretend I'm not, some days I can hardly wait to get to bed and away from reality, and some days I just cringe because I know everyone looks at me as the woman who can't handle "just" a miscarriage (I've been told far too many times "at least you didn't lose a real baby, Suzanne"...like when did she become real? at what age?
).
The idea of letting go is difficult and also rather a false concept, to me anyway. What I mean is that I've let go of some dreams and some plans, but I have not (nor must I) let go of my love for my daughter. I am her mother, she is my child...forever. What I try to let go of are the things that hurt me such as thought patterns, destructive behaviors, and unsupportive friends. My life is purer and more positive in many ways, but it is also much sadder and emptier
. Does that make any sense?
Have you found support online or in person? Books? Activities that allow you to grieve?
www.nationalshareoffice.com is a good loss site. And I find great comfort in the writing of Sherokee Isle and got the theological support (I am a Christian) from Jack Hayford's [u]I'll Hold You In Heaven[/u]. The other things that have helped me include prayer, new bereaved Mommy friends (what a sad club to belong to), and doing things to remember Hope and her two siblings who I long denied existed.
Please share more about your son when you are ready.
Love,
Suzanne