Hi New Friends! I was advised to come here, and fill you in on my history, so that we can together create a workable plan, in case my HG returns in this next pregnancy. We are planning a pregnancy, praying to get pregnant soon, and successful and healthy being the goal.
I'm trying to look back at my last pregnancy, and recall details, so I'll just post my experience as vivid as I can remember it.
April 1999, I took a pregnancy test at home, and got a strong purple positive, immediately. That was strange. We went to the Health Department, and they had the same reaction. I was pregnant. So, one day, right after we found out, we were heading to my fathers house for a visit, and I had this 'woosh' feeling come over me. Like a wve came through my body, and all of a sudden, I was crying, afraid, nauseaus. I ad never felt this way before, and it scared me. I went home, without visiting much, because I just didn't feel right. That's when it all started - about week 5.
It started with nausea, and immediately went to vomiting all day long. I tried the crackers in bed before you get up - didnt work. I triedginger ale, it didn't stay down. Water came up. I went to the ER and they told me I was normal, morning sickness, will pass in a few weeks. Push through it. So, I tried to. I went to work, and felt worse and worse, and my sense of smell was so acute, I couldn't even handle my husband's cologne. The only soul that could be with me, was my cat.
Back at the ER, when I stopped peeing. I got fluids, not nutrition, but just fluids, and another speech abuot 'sucking it up', and having a better attitude about this. It's totally normal. Maybe I should talk to a Psych. (gee, that's great, it's all in my head now).... I felt very guity, because the messge I got was that I had caused this, because I weighed 210 pounds, was lazy, admittedly, and we had just eloped 3 months prior. Thre were all kinds of famiy stressors around me, in cluding my father, who swears it's because i'm a lazy butt. Get up, push through it. I COULDN'T. I slipped into a depression, watching Baby Stories On Discovery Channel, and wishing I could at least leave my bedroom and eat just one morsel of food -- maybe family would be proud of me, for again, 'pushing through it'.
Nothing seemed to work. My OB said I was over-reacting, and my family was not supportive. I was in a new marriage, and we were drifting apart already. I couldn't handle the smell of anything, no food cooking, even brushing my teeth made me gag. I couldn't live. I tried a walk around the block, but I womitted and peed my pants all the way around. It was humiliating to go through all of this, as a new couple, and never experiencing this before. It was all new to everyone around me, so I understand how they would assume it's all in my head, but I felt like a prisoner somehow, unable to commuicate like a 'sane person'. I was miserable, crying all the time.
I vomitted night and day, and at one point, had a sonogram. Because I was so miserable, it did not affect me in a positive way. I knew I had a child in there, but my mind was so numb from sickness, that I couldn't accept this in a mentally healthy way, I was just desperate to feel better. This was a WANTED child. This is not me not accepting my baby. I wanted this child with all that was in me. But being that sick changes you. Your mind begins to shut down. You are like a shell, and all the things that once made you alive and vibrant, changes to depression, suicidal feelings, and a sense that you are lost inside yourself. You forget who you are, because you are so alone/scared.
Week 11, and we were seeking a Doctor to perform a DNC for me. I had lost 25 pounds, looked grey, and was bordering on starvation. I had Medical Assistance, but did not receive all that I could have had, treatment wise. I received Phenergan soppositories, Reglan, and ONE SINGLE DOSE of IV Zofran, which helped me tremendously... but the catch was, I had MA, so it didn't cover such a new and pricey medication. So one dose later, and 4 hours of happiness and hope, and i was back to being sick, with no treatment available to me again. (this is what I pray will be the magic bullet for me - Zofran-- because it worked once, and I have god insurance now).
Before we went in for a DNC, I had home health nurses, with IV therapies. I had phlebitis all over my arms, was malnurished but hydrated. They never gave me vitamins and minerals in my IV, jsut fluids. SO.. what's the point of that? I learned how to chagne my fluid bags in the middle of the night, and grew accustomed to that 'click' noise of the digital drip box.. what's it called? oh well. I was able to finally sleep through that sound, and the weirdness of the IV in my arm.
After all this, it was 11 weeks, and we were back at looking for a DNC. I was so sick, had no treatment options,a nd was being told that I'd possibly have kidney failure, or a sick and small child if I kept this up. So, we found a DR. in Baltimore to tell my story, and she received a note from my OB that this was for medical reasons. She did the DNC, which, by the way, my husband could not be there with me, he was not able ot handle what was happening that day. So I was alone... completely.... we still have issues with that day. I cried and cried, and then....
After my 'surgery', I woke up, and felt like ME again. It was like a miracle. I was starving,a nd I thought of a million food items I wanted to eat. I wasnt nauseas, and I felt FREE. It took losing my child, in my mind, to get my life back. I vowed to never get pregnant again, for fear that this would be acted out again, in the same fashion. My first meal: Cheddar Cheese Chunks on White bread, with lots of mustard...
5 years later and one failed adoption in the last month. We are ready to press on, and trust God fully for a blessing. We know that with God all things are possible, and I have to believe that HE will carry us through. It can't be just like last time, because I've dropped 85 pounds. I've changed my life totally, I am mentally stable. I have a great job as a Special Ed Teacher, a loving and supportive family. They all support us trying again, and vow to not judge, but love us. They are so much more educated on HG, because of me and my radical pursuit of informaiton and preparation... I just wanna be a Mommy. So, what do I do next?
Christy -- not pregnant, but will try once this IUD gets taken out, hopefully this week.