Thoughts of #2 dancing in my head...

[sickmama]

Hello all,

My name is Karen, I posted regularly on HuGS while I was pregnant with my daughter, Miya (born June 5, 2003). Her first birthday is on Saturday!

I have FINALLY reached the point where I can come back here and talk about HG, and its impact on my life. For such a long time, the wounds were too fresh and I found myself actually getting sick while reading posts here.

I hope to be of some hope to those who are experiencing their own personal hell right now!

I am also writing because I feel down. I belong to another online group of mothers of babies born in June 2003. Four of these mothers are pregnant again, and its all they can talk about. I am feeling increasingly depressed about it, as I had always planned on having two children and now am not sure I could do it. I guess I should talk about my HG experience a little...

Short version: We started trying for children quite early, because I have endometriosis. It took 6 months to conceive. I was 4 weeks pregnant when I found out, and foolishly thought I'd bypass morning sickness. HG hit with a bang at 6 weeks. Within a month, I lost 20 pounds and became completely bedridden. Rather than the constant vomitting most HG sufferers have, I had totally debilitating nausea, making it impossible to consume ANYTHING. I only left my bed to shower (my husband had to carry me in and out of the tub and wash me) and for OB appts. At 16 weeks my midwife told me it was either steroid treatment or hospital admittal. I opted to try the steroids and after one treatment was able to eat again. I continued to take Zofran (8mg x 4/day) throughout the pregnancy. I gained back 12 pounds and gave birth to a 6 pound 1 oz. baby via c-section (breech presentation) 5 days before my due date.

Recovery was extremely difficult. I was severely malnurished and had also developed gallbladder disease. To this day, adhesion pain is a constant reminder of the emotional and physical ordeal.

SO, although there are many roadblocks, I still yearn to try again. I cannot conceive until my gallbladder has been removed and we find health coverage that will cover pregnancy (we are paying out of pocket for health care). Then, if we choose to do it again, I'll have to deal with HG again, and most likely another c-section. Except this time I'll have a child to take care of. So why am I even considering it??? How can I deal with my deep down resentment for my own friends, who are floating through their second pregnancies without a hitch? How can I talk myself into doing this again considering all the difficulties we will endure?

[MamaLily]

Karen -

I have had so many of the same thoughts! My dd will be 2 years old in June. It is hard to watch people around you continue to have babies without HG. I often look at my friends with 2+ babies and feel jealous that they can just decide to have babies whenever they choose. Before conception, they don't have to stockpile everything their families will need for the next 9 months. They don't need to interview many different doctors to find out who will take care of them. They don't plan on being so sick that they can't even shower by themselves. Life as they know it won't end for them when they get pregnant. I agree - sometimes it is very hard to hear about other women having babies.

If I didn't have HG when I was pregnant, I know that dh and I would have tried to have a baby much sooner. Both of us wanted 4 children, and now we just don't know. We're currently thinking about whether adopt is right for us.

Anyway, I don't know if I really have any advice. I just want you to know that I understand what you are going through. Recovering from HG doesn't end when the physical suffering goes away.

The other day I was watching that "Lord of the Rings" movie. Have you seen it? At the end, I was really struck by something that Frodo says. I don't remember the exact words, but here is the gist of it (or at least what I gained from it): When you go through an experience that is difficult and life-changing, you really can't go back to how you were before. During the difficult parts of the experience, maybe you think that you want life to return to "normal." But when the experience is over, you realize that you never can really go back. I think it's because you have learned something and you have been changed and life's plans are no longer what they were.

Maybe this all doesn't make sense, but I've really been thinking about how HG has affected my life. And I often see a new way that my life have been changed.

Perhaps you need a little more time before you're ready to go through HG again. I couldn't even think about it until my dd was 18 months old...but I know that it's different for everyone.

Hang in there!

- Anna[/i]

[RebeccaM]

Anna,

I like you're "Lord of the Rings" comparison. I remember that part of the movie and it totally fits. That should be your motto for this forum. I agree that everything is different after HG.

Rebecca

BTW-How are you? Are you still ttc? Are you in TX yet? Believe it or not, my and dh are actually talking about ttc in Sept. I just want to have all my kids close together so I can get HG over with. That's not how I thought about it before, but again, that's how HG changes you.

[MamaLily]

Rebecca -

I like the idea of a Forum Motto!

Everything is great with me. I've been in TX for a few days now. It is so HOT down here! But other than that everything is nice. Our apt is perfect for us and I think it's going to be a good summer.

No, we aren't ttc any more. I'm kind of thinking that we'll try to adopt the next baby and then ttc a couple years after that. But we really don't know what to do...it's hard to decide. I was convinved that ttc was right, but since I didn't get pregnant, we're re-evaluating. I have had some strong impressions that I need to at least look into adoption possibilities. It's all up in the air right now, but I know that the right thing will happen. It is so fun to spend time with dd right now...if we had conceived, I'd be at the sickest point right now. So I look at it as a blessing to have this time with her.

How exciting to think of ttc in August! You have my full support, of course. I'll be back in Utah, so hopefully I could help you or visit you or something! I've also thought that if I'm going to go through HG multiple times, maybe it's best just to get it over with. Good luck as you prepare! Since my protocol is still fresh, I was thinking that maybe it would help if I pasted it in this new forum. I'll have to ask Andy. Or I could e-mail it to you, if you think it might help! Oh, I almost forgot that I know a couple of WONDERFUL perinatologists in SLC. Let me know if you want their names. I know your doctor was nice & supportive, but maybe a peri would be nice to have as a consultant?

Take care!

- Anna

[RebeccaM]

Looks like we're both up late tonight

I would love it if you emailed me your protocol. I think it would be really helpful to have. At the very least, it would be a good place to start. Also, I would like the name's of the peri's you have. Fortunately my HG was not as severe as yours and many others. I was able to control it well with Zofran. But who knows how it will be the second time around. I really like my dr., even though he wasn't the most knowledgable about HG. He was always very supportive, and gave me a rx for Zofran whenever I requested it without questioning me. He really let me follow what my own body was telling me. But if it's worse the next time around, a peri could be very helpful.

Glad you're enjoying TX. I hope you have a good AC. I'm going to make sure I have lots and lots of fun this summer because I missed out last summer due to HG and probably will next summer too. We will go on lots of vacations i'm sure!

To ttc or not to ttc?...To adopt or not to adopt?...It's such a tough position to be in to have to make these kinds of decisions, but to still have faith that God knows what's best. I hope it starts getting a little clearer and easier for you.

Well, it's after midnight here so I think I'm ready for bed (dh is at work tonight and I hate going to bed without him )

[MamaLily]

Rebecca -

I'll e-mail you my protocol. It may take me a couple days because I'm still getting settled here and my protocol is on our other computer. I just need to get it set up. And I'll send the names of those peris.

I hope you have a great HG-free summer! I'm so excited for you to ttc again. Not excited for the HG, of course, but thrilled about the idea of another little one for your family. How fun to have another BABY!

Have a good one!

- Anna

[sickmama]

Thank you Anna. I happen to LOVE the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and that quote really resonates with me. I am so glad to know there are women stuck in the same place I am...I hope we can all help each other through it!

[mammaclare]

Karen- I am almost to the point of obsession on this topic. I would write my customary novel, but I had hand sugery last week and only have my lefty useable.

I would be ttc right now if it weren't for hg...our plan was 3 close in age...and i wish i could come to grips with this and maybve even figure out why God apparently has such a different plan for me than i did.

right now dh won't even consider another pg and wants to adopt next year...i feel like for some reason there is another baby in me needing to be conceved and born but obviously i can't do it without dh's support. we even moved close to my large extended family and a second cousin's wife, whom i adore, would be my ob and we have talked a couple times now, and my mom who is also opposed has agreed to join us at a pre-ttc appt if i really want this. but again, without dh support it isn't an option. and i am the only breadwinner so there is that to worry about (i was off 15 wks at the worst of hg) and the list goes on and i am just so PISSED at hg--not rational, perhaps, but very real.

good luck w/ your decision...and a huge hug because i relate to all you said

[sickmama]

Hi Clare, Our kids were born just a couple of months apart, so I guess this is just the time when one becomes ready to think about it again. I feel the same, like there is another life that is meant to come from me. Dh is extremely open to having another, to the point where I feel immense pressure to do it again. And while he was fabulous the first time and would no doubt be even better next time, I have NO other family or friends to count on. I just don't think I can handle that kind of isolation again. So the struggle is really with myself...We are also considering adoption. But to be quite frank, after having one of my own, I worry about how I'd feel about an adopted child compared with my own. Could I really love them the same?

It's SUCH a tough decision, and unfortunately, one that both parents have to make...I feel for you, and hope your dh comes around. I admire you greatly for wanting to do this again!!

[jenniz]

Hi Karen,

From my perspective, you are a BRAVE, BRAVE woman!!! I was nowhere NEAR even wanting to decide to ttc again at the stage you're in!!! I think we always appear (to others) to be doing better than we think we are doing. (like when our dh or friend or family member says "You're doing great!" I personally want to shove a hand full of saltines down their throat! Cuz at no point do I feel like I am doing great!).

God was gracious enough to bless me with twins on my first go-around. I have often felt that that was His sign that I shouldn't go through this again. I, unlike so many of the smart women here, had NO CLUE, no inkling, NO IDEA that I could POSSIBLY be so sick again. I joke that my "preparation" for this pregnancy, after having severe HG with my first, was positive thinking... I POSITIVELY THOUGHT I wouldn't be sick! So, you are so wise to be thinking about all of the issues that come up during an HG pregnancy.

I share your frustration with "normal" pregnancy. I REALLY want to be happy for a pregnant, glowing friend...but I spend most of the time wishing she were half as miserable as me so we could commisserate. Because, the sad fact is that no one can understand this unless they've been through it. And, for our part, we can't expect anyone to truly understand us unless they've gone through it. But, I hate to admit this, I do find myself secretly wishing for pregnant women to have to rush to the bathroom to throw up their salad. (Mostly because I had to totally give up salads this time because of HOW MUCH lettuce hurts coming up! and Salads are my favorite food) I think its normal though...it gives my brain a chance to smile....just thinking about someone else going through this a little bit is a painful thing for me...but again, wishing for one of those people who is very insistent on "eat a few saltines before you get out of bed...don't stand up after you eat them. Wait 15 minutes and then get up and..." You know the routine...and women like that deserve to feel this, even if for a day. LOL, that said, I wouldn't truly wish this on an enemy. But, and this is my biggest lesson learned from both HG and having the blessing of having kids with special needs....Don't question your feelings. Work through them and deal with them as they come...you are having those feelings for a reason... let them be as they need to be. Our negative emotions, when they stem from something as serious as HG (or any illness, the feelings that parents go through dealing with care & treatment of special needs...the big things) can absolutely take on a life of their own if we let them. So, in my experience, dealing with those negative feelings (guilt of not being able to nourish my child in utero, the mental aspect of dealing with physical pain for months on end, etc) needs to happen before we can have the good feelings of being parents, the good feelings of expecting a baby, the good feelings of everyday life!

I'm dealing with deciding whether or not to have a repeat c-section right now. (Well, I'm trying to deal with it, I'm doing more avoiding it right now) and I know that whatever I choose, I need to live with for the rest of my life. I really want a vbac...so I know that I need to be at peace with whatever decision I make. (No pressure there! LOL) And, because I am AFRAID of this decision, and because I'm trying to avoid making it (mostly by lying to myself telling myself that the baby will come in the next week all on his own! LOL), I am NOT dealing with these feelings... not healthy for me, and I know the stress is not good for the baby. I'm going to be "there" soon, and need to work through this, and I know that... but I also know that I just have to deal with it in my time. The same is true for you. You are having a hard time with this now. Soon, you will have thought about it so much that your head will hurt and it will go on the back burner for a few days (weeks, months...whatever) and it will resurface and it will do so at a time when you might be more ready to deal with it. No one can make this decision for you, but whatever you decide, know that there is a group of women you can run to who really has been there before and really does get it.

Also, my twins are 4. It took me quite a while to actually come to this decision... you do have time to decide, so try not to feel pressure that you HAVE to make a decision now. Work through these feelings and be comfortable and at peace with your decision. Hugs, and I am thinking about you!!!
________
Uhwh warehouse

[sickmama]

Jenne~
You give me hope! If you could do it again after TWINS, maybe I can muster up the courage!!

I also had a c-sec, and will have to deal with the same decision. I desperately want a VBAC, but am worried I won't be able to find a dr. who is both well versed in HG AND open to VBAC!! It is becoming increasingly difficult (I'm guessing because of liability issues) to find a dr. who is all for VBACs. In fact, a certain hospital in Boston just made the decision not to allow ANY VBACs! I anticipate it will be a decision that is al;most as tough as the one to get pregnant again, and I don't envy you having to make it now. My only advice would be cheesy, but go with your heart and go with the decision that will leave you with the least regret!

Good luck to you...your time is coming soon!!

Thanks for the encouragement.

[jenniz]

Hi Karen,

I'm up late...I ate something I shouldn't have later than I should have and am paying the price for it now! UGH!

I am here to tell you that if you want a vbac, be prepared to fight! I don't know how much fight I have left in me after this pregnancy. I am fighting to survive with this stupid HG and the fight for the vbac (and here I am 4 weeks from my due date) hasn't stopped! I don't say that to be a downer...because I am totally for vbacs (I still don't understand why doctors would actually RATHER do a section on a woman...it is so much safer to have a vaginal birth...I can understand liability issues, but for the love of God...SURGERY is MUCH more dangerous...I just don't get it... the price doctors are willing to pay for THEIR convenience is just too high, in my opinion...besides, they are making awfully good money to give me the excuse of "convenience"!) but I DID have to change docs halfway through this pregnancy because I felt my first doc was getting "squishy" on the vbac. (Now my current doc is too...aye yi yi! This is the same doc that delivered my twins, I had to change insurance to go back to him. so I like him very much, but we have fundamental differences, LOL) I should have known with the first doc (who happened to be of Indian decent, I mention that for a reason that I will explain in a minute) when he kept saying things like "you can try from down below". "Down below" was like his catch phrase...LOL, I think it was a cultural thing...but the man never said "vaginal birth" or "vagina" and that just cracked me up! Kind of endearing, actually, but I need a doctor who is comfortable with proper anatomical names! ANYWAY....I think it is worth doing, and very much worth fighting for...anything that's worth anything IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR!!! I'm glad you were able to glean a little bit of hope from my story. Hugs to you...and keep your chin up, some days are easier than others and others...well, just bury your head in the sand and the sun eventually goes down...just in time to welcome a new day! Hugs to you, let us know what you decide...when you come to a decision...
________
VAAAPP VAPORIZER

[SERAPHIM-ServingHimOnly]

:D Hi There Karen;

I haven't been on this board in quite a few months. I was ecstatic to discover a group that actually knew what I went through in the past. I don't think there is anything wrong with following your natural yearning to have more children.

When my husband and I started out, we desired four children and 1 possible adoption. With our 1st child I had what I believe was a mild form of hyperemisis since all along I was so ill(I could not do anything except stay home and be ill ):lol: With the 2nd child it was confirmed...hyperemesis as many here have been through.. starting at about 6 weeks along; rapid weight loss, heart palpitations, no intake of food, dehydration, hair loss, meds, Picc Lines, etc. and a difficult birth involving a prolapsed cord and hemmorhaging. At the urging of my mother, though my heart was against it, I had a tubaligation. That was four years ago and the longing for another child has been in my heart for the entire four years. So, I have been placing money into an account to have a tubal reversal and attempt to bring another child or two into this world. It may sound crazy to many but I am determined that hyperemesis will not beat me nor will it make me turn away from the family I have always desired. I understand that many may find this ludicrous but I am willing to stand against this. I feel that if God brought me through this before, He can bring me through it again. If I have hyperemesis again, so be it..it's better than going through life feeling incomplete.

[Heatcan]

Hi Karen,

My name is Heather. I read your post & I can completely relate. I had the same experience with reading all the posts. This is the first time in awhile that I have actually posted. It's been 4 1/2 years for me & I still can't seem to get over it. I also have been considering having a second child for the past 2 years. I'm really feeling the pressure now that my son will be five in December. I keep going back & forth. But when it comes down to it, I really want another child.

ALL of my friends that have children have gone on to have their second & even third children. I feel so jealous of them. My friends are very understanding & have promised to help me with my son if I do decide to go for the second. But these are friends that I have made since my son was born & have no idea about how bad it can get. I'm so confused & scared!

Here is the short version of my story: My husband & I also started trying for children early because we wanted one so badly. It took me about 5 months to get pregnant. I was about 3 1/2 weeks when I found out. My HG hit at 6 weeks as well. I lost 20 pounds & was in & out of the ER & then the hospital for the first 5 months. I was on home I.V. when I actually was not in the hospital. I couldn't keep anything down for those 5 months. When I was pregnant, they either didn't know about Zofran yet or didn't offer it to me. I tried Phenergan, Reglan & a couple of others that I can't remember. I wasn't offered steriods either. Absolutely none of the drugs helped me. In fact, most of them made me insane & my husband thought I was having a mental breakdown. At about six months, I was able to keep some food down & started gaining weight back. I laugh to this day that I was the only one still throwing up in our Lamaze class! I gave birth to my son right on time. He was a healthy 8 lbs. 2 oz.! I thank God for that!

My recovery was also very difficult. I still have problems to this day. I also have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was a child & that is actually worse now since my pregnancy. I also have the whole insurance issue to deal with. I cannot get private insurance due to my Arthritis. It's hard to believe that we would even think about having another! But I'm sure that you can relate to that deep yearning in your heart to have another child. Just writng this has brought me to tears. My son actually asks me when I'm going to have his sister in my tummy. He wants a sister so badly. How can I deprive him of that? My husband is an only child & he really wants our son to have a sibling. If only men could be pregnant!

I'm sorry to ramble on about myself. It feels nice to come to a place & find someone else who completely knows the emotions that I am experiencing. I know that you wrote this a couple of months ago. How are you feeling now? I notice with myself that I obsess over it for awhile & then block it out for another couple of months until something makes me obsess again. I really hope that things work out for you. Thanks for sharing your story.

[sickmama]

Heather,

Wow, you could be my twin!! I had pretty much the exact same pregnancy, except that I had Zofran and Steroids. Instead of Arthritus, I had to deal with Gallbladder disease. Hopefully, now that we've moved to Mass (a state that by law has to insure EVERYONE no matter what their health) I will be able to have the gallbladder removed.

I do the same back and forth thing. MANY of my friends are on to their second child now. My daughter is only 14 months, but still, I feel pressured. I have been thinking a lot about adoption lately. Yesterday, we went to family friend's little girl's birthday party. She and her two sisters were adopted from China. There were about 8 kids there from China or Latin America. Some of the parents had one adopted child and one of their own and that gave me hope that this sort of dynamic works. I've even started looking into inducing lactation so that I could bond with an adopted child like my very own. Thinking about this seems to help me heal, because I know I CAN have my two child family without necessarily having to endure HG again. Now I just have to talk dh into it!!

Here's hoping you find your own sense of resolution. Please keep me posted on your decision!!

HUGS,
Karen

[Heatcan]

Karen,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Thanks so much for responding! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through such struggles.

I really do think that I can go through with it again. At least today I do! Maybe I'm feeling this way because my best friend is about to give birth to her second child. She is having a scheduled C-Sect tomorrow morning. We are going out to visit her & the baby in a couple of days. I'm excited for the most part but part of me just knows that I'm going to feel that deep ache when I hold the baby. Ugh!

I have vaguely thought about adoption but my husband really does not want to. We haven't talked about it seriously, though. I'll have to do some more research. From what you said, it does sound like a real possibility. I have the same concerns about loving that child the same as your own. Well, I hope that you and your family are doing well. Take care & keep in touch! HUGS!