Can't go anywhere...(need to vent a little)

[MamaLily]

Lately I just can't go anywhere without seeing lots of pregnant women who are happy, healthy, smiling, etc. Last night I was at a party where there were honestly 30+ pregnant women. Some of them have other children - and they can just have their next baby whenever they want without planning on life ending for 9 months. And they can eat and drink without throwing up or laying down or taking pills every 6-8 hours. I don't think any of them have had to rely on other people to bathe them or take care of their children or drive them to the ER for hydration. They don't have pictures of themselves with bruises on their arms from all the IVs or with tubes in their noses. They don't lose months of their lives because they decided to have a baby. It's so hard to see this! It's not that I'm upset or angry with them. I realize that my HG experiences are more valuable than the experiences I would have had with a "normal" pregnancy. And there are so many reasons why I am grateful for HG. It's just that I'd love to have another baby and I wish that I could go ahead like all of these women. It's hard to have a constant reminder that having a 2nd baby may be a long time away for me...

[Natalie]

Hi Anna

I am totally with you on this one. At my church it is almost viral - there are blooming mummies-to-be and new moms EVERYWHERE.

We have also been thinking about ttc no. 2. I wish that we could just be like 'normal' people, you know? Hey, let's try for another baby and then off they go ttc without much of a second thought...

There are loads of logistical, practical stuff that we (dh and I) have to sort before we even get to the actual ttc part. Some of the stuff I'm having to deal with includes:

1. Getting a permanent job. At the moment, I am working on the 'Bank' at my local hospital (which is like supply), so I don't get paid for days I don't work - no Annual Leave, no Bank Holidays and definitely no Sick Pay. My dh said I have to get a permanent job before ttc so I get paid for sick leave.

2. I will have to go through any new employment contract with a fine toothed comb to ensure I won't lose my job again due to HG.

3. I'll have to think about writing up a protocol

4. I have to see my GP and sort out HG management issues.

5. I also have to figure out who is going to care for me who will look me and Beth

'Normal' people do not have to do all of this...

I do try not to feel bitter and jealous (although I find it particularly hard around people who only had a smidge of nausea). I am genuinely happy for those who get to bloom, have fantastic pregnancies and then seamlessly slip into their new-mummy role. But sometimes I just need to wallow in my sadness that it just isn't that easy for us

Another thing I do is remind myself that it is always easier to compare upwards than downwards. I have a beautiful dd - I have friends who have just lost their desperately wanted and much loved first baby at 23 weeks, I know another couple who can't have their own children, not to mention all the stories of the courageous women roaming around these boards. I didn't get HG that bad in comparison to some of them...

Having read this back, I hope it doesn't come accross as preachy - it certainly isn't meant to. I just wanted to say that you're not alone...

Natalie

[MamaLily]

Natalie -

Thank you so much for writing. It's just nice to chat with women who understand what I'm feeling and thinking! You're right that it's always easier to envy people who have it "better" than we do, without realizing the great things in our lives. I think about that, also. I'm so grateful for my daughter and the delight she brings to our lives every day. Life is good! (And it's also hard for everyone in different ways...)

We also have some things to do before we can TTC:

1 - Find some good insurance for me.
2 - Coordinate a schedule for taking care of me and my Elizabeth (2 years old).
3 - Look at the upcoming months and see when it will be the best for me to be out of commission.

The craziest thing is that even when these things are in order and even when we have conceived, I still have to go through HG. And that is so much worse than the time I need to spend making any of these plans! I was talking with a good friend of mine about the decision to TTC #2, and she said, "Yes, it will be hard for your family to take care of Elizabeth all the time. And they will have to make sacrifices in your behalf. But those things are nothing compared to what you have to go through (with HG)." And, she's right! I think having a protocol makes me think sometimes that everything will be under control. But when it comes down to it, HG is just horrible. And facing it again is not something that I'm looking forward to. I realize that an HG pregnancy is something to be endured and not enjoyed - but enduring it is not an easy task!

Sorry to go on so long...I'm thinking about this all the time!

- Anna

[Natalie]

Hi Anna.

Don't worry about going on so long - this is a subject I think about a lot too and it's good to discuss it with someone who knows what I'm talking about. Plus, I am about to write an essay to you on this subject...

I understand where you're coming from when you say about trying to figure out which time would be best to be out of action, as if there is any good time to put your life on pause (especially when you have a toddler running around who wants to play, a husband who has to take on so much more than usual, plus trying to hold down a job too in my case and that's not to mentioning all the other responsibilities that I take care of on a day-to-day basis that I just get on and do without thinking).

When I think about ttc, a part of me gets really excited. I so wish I could get all out excited but it is tempered by the thought of then having to actually be pg. I think some of it comes from the fear of the unknown. Although I can think and plan long and hard about another pregnancy, and write protocols ‘til I’m blue in the face, until I get pg, I won’t know how hard the HG Monster is going to hit me until I’m in the thick of it. I still practically break out in hives just thinking about ttc which makes me think that maybe I’m not really ready yet. But then, I doubt that I will ever get to the point where I am, so I just figure I may as well just get on with it

Another thing I worry about is what would happen at my new job if I started work with them and then within a matter of a few months, I announce that I am pg and then promptly go off sick for months. That does NOT look good at all and colleagues may end up resenting me. On the other hand, I don't want Beth to grow up too much older than a sibling. And also, on top of that, I may even want more than 2 children and I'm going to run out of time if I'm not careful!

I know that I ought not worry and project my anxieties onto things that are so far into the future but part of me thinks if I at least acknowledge it, I will be a little more prepared.

You see? I really wrestle with this whole ttc thing. The thoughts just flit to and fro, backwards and forwards in my mind – that’s why I wish I was ‘normal’!

Beth is an 'Elizabeth' too sort of. Her full name is Liesbet, which is Flemish for Elizabeth. She is named after my Granny who is from Oostende in Belgium (the Flemish speaking part). Beth is the joy of my life – I treasure her so much. I think it is because I had to go through so much hardship to get her here. She has just started walking these past few weeks and boy, she looks so darn sweet taking her little toddle steps it makes my heart want to burst with love and pride

Do you have any ideas about when you think you may ttc? Have you done a protocol yet?

Natalie

[acorn]

Anna and Natalie,
Reading your posts is like taking a snip right out of my head!

I just had baby Daliah on 7-10-04 and she is the absolute joy of my life. Life is great in that respect. She brings me such joy and happiness that she eclipses any hell I went through with HG. And, believe me...it was hell up to delivery. I had it pretty bad the whole way through, and for the first 5 months, it was physical torture. The last 4 were just hell. Need I say more?

Now that Daliah is here, I can't stop thanking God for her. But, I also find myself feeling so sad about how difficult it would be to do this again. It would be difficult on me (I'm 35 so I am not getting any younger), and it would be difficult on my DH. But, I'm mostly worried about Daliah. I required full time care and couldn't get out of bed, handle intense smells of anyone near me, have any cooking go on in the house, etc.

So what would happen to Daliah? She couldn't have a cooked meal for 9 months? She couldn't be held by me and rocked by me and loved by me?
That's not worth it to me.

Then I play the 'what if' game. Yes, but what it I don't get HG next time. Yes, but, what if HG is not as bad as it was next time. Yes, but, yes but.

I am certain that I want to have another baby. Up to this point, my DH and I have been thinking about adoption, which is still a possibility. But, it's truly expensive, and there are a multitude of issues to think about before proceeding.

Just the other day, though, I brought up the fact that I *think* I have it in me to get through one more HG pregnancy, that I really would love to have another baby. My DH said that if I really really want to, he would, but he truly fears about the reality of the situation. There's a financial hardship to consider. There's my health (though I bounced back pretty quickly and felt great right afterwards). Most of all, there's Daliah.

I, too, am so so so greatful for my precious baby girl. And, I also think about how lucky we are to have her, especially since it's just not that easy for some women. For example, I have a friend who couldn't have biological babies, and though I haven't posed it to her (it would obviously be highly insensitive), I bet she would take a wopping case of HG to have a baby. But, I am also so in awe, wonder, and sometimes, envy, of other women who just have babies. Just have them. Just like that.

It is so wonderful that you both understand exactly where we HG'ers come from. And, the pain we go through in order to bring our babies into the world.

Amy

[MamaLily]

Natalie and Amy -

Yes, it's so good that we have each other here. I guess it makes sense that we'd have similar thoughts after surviving HG, but I'm always so happy to read that other people think the way I think! This forum is such a great place!

I'm also worried about the effect of HG on my Elizabeth. I know that she won't remember it in the long run, but I think it still is hard to think of not holding her, singing to her, reading to her, etc. for such a long time! I have always been home with her, so she is used to me taking care of her all day every day. And I'm worried that seeing me so sick will really throw her. It's hard to realize that she will be okay and that giving her a sibling would be worth it 100%. I am the oldest of 6 children, and my mom had HG with 4 of those pregnancies. (I don't know how she did it!) So I witnessed those HG pregnancies and I don't remember anything except microwaving a baked potato for her here and there! So, I know that Elizabeth will be fine in the long run. And maybe I'm really mourning my loss of time with her that would happen during HG.

DH and I talked about trying to conceive sometime after the holidays. Both of our families are willing to help, which is such a blessing. So I think all of the logistics could be covered without many problems. My protocol has been ready for a year, and my new perinatologist is absolutely wonderful. So now I just need to resign myself to all that suffering! Ah, not an easy task!

Thanks for this conversation...it's such a good one for me!

- Anna

[IslandDreamer]

Hi,

I've not been around lately, so I just saw your post. Hope you are all well this week.

This thread caught my attention as I've been wondering why I've not been into HER in a week. Now it makes sense. There are too many pg women here even. I should be 29 weeks, in the hospital, stuffing zofran, pushing in phenagran, wondering where my life went, etc. But I'm not . Believe it or not, I envy the pregnant hgers their illness. Can't even begin to deal with "healthy" pg folks...but the babies are very cool.

Recently, I actually had a moment of joy thinking about what it must be like to be a normal during pg and not have hg, and to continue with the normalness after delivery and not become psychotic (standard procedure for me). It felt happy to consider a child in that (albeit make believe) environment.

Praying for all the moms on this site daily.

Suzanne