Deciding whether to have another...(from Kimberly)

[MamaLily]

Kimberly wrote this message and I moved it here for discussion:

I personally am thankful for this website, so that we can all educate each other about the different faces of HG. I am one that experienced mild to moderate HG, and I'm better for having known how much more horrible it could have been during my two pregnancies.

I thank God for the two that I have, and ask for his guidance in whether to have another. My heart feels that something is directing my husband and I to have another despite all the "what ifs."

But at the same time, my head tells me to be grateful that I have two healthy, beautiful children. All I ever wanted to be was a wonderful wife and mother. I'm a mother of two. My question is does God want me to be a mother of a third, or should I just use my God given mothering talents on the two I have.

I have two things on my side - 1) the same OB/GYN doctor as four years ago who would admit me for an IV or prescribe medincine as soon as I say the word 2) all of my family as well as my husband's immediate family lives within 40 minutes of us - caring church congregation, caring neighborhood, and friends. Any advice on whether you'd take the chance?

I know this is a personal choice that has to be made. However, those of you who chose not to have another HG pregnancy, would you have made a different choice if you had the support I currently feel?
_________________
Kimberly
Frisco, TX
Survivor of 2 HG Pregnancies
(Considering a 3rd)

Daughter 2000
Son 2002

[kmwilson]

Thank you for starting the thread.

[PamelaRose]

Kimberly - Hugs to you as you contemplate your family's future. You have a great support system in place, and that's a wonderful foundation, but it really lies in you - are YOU comfortable with another HG experience? As I've said elsewhere, I based our decision on my experience with my mother's death. She died at age 40 of cancer, and the one real regret she had was that she and my father had mutually decided to limit their family to two children, despite the fact that she'd always longed for a third child. She lived a happy, fulfilled life, but she always wondered what that third child would have been like. I considered this when we were in your position: two beautiful children, an initial plan for three but reservation about putting ourselves through it again. I asked myself if, at the end of my life, I would regret not having that third child. In my case, the answer was yes, and once I answered that question in my own heart I found the HuGS site, began to research HG treatments, and got pregnant unexpectedly in short order! And the moment we knew the third little one was on the way, we knew we were finished and would happily limit our family at three children. I tried it both ways--for months after our second child's birth I told myself (and everyone else) this was it, but there was always the little voice in my head saying "maybe...." Listen carefully to yourself; it sounds like you're willing to go through another pregnancy but need to let the idea settle into a plan of action. Give yourself time, don't rush it, and you'll soon find the answers coming more clearly. Best wishes!

[kmwilson]

Thank you for replying - I'm still up thinking and reading. I probably should go to bed, but was glad I read your post before I did.

What is the HuGS site? Is that this site, or is there actually another wonderful site out there?

[PamelaRose]

HuGS (Hyperemesis Gravidarum Survivors) was a Delphi Forum that was active up until it merged here with HER last month. You can still visit it to look into the archives, and it has years worth of information and inspiration. http://forums.delphiforums.com/hugstalk/start

*Delphi can be a bit cantankerous at times, so keep trying to refresh and you'll get in eventually!

[kmwilson]

Thank you

[kirsty]

hi, I am in the same predicament! I have 2 kids and before I suffered with HG I had always wanted 4 children. I do not have family close by but still feel I will regret it if I stop at 2 kids. but I am dreading going thru it again! I keep telling myself it is only 9 months, and I look at my children and think I would be sick forever for them if I had to (most days anyway! )

[kmwilson]

That is kinda what I'm thinking. 9 months plus versus the rest of your life with them.

[kmwilson]

edit too long

[kmwilson]

Kirsty,

I was wondering if you had decided or still contemplating. It looks as though we're stopping at 2. Part of me wants to have another one. However, HG isn't the only deciding factor for us. My husband has been quite stressed the past two years, jobs have been reduced at his company, etc. Plus, we have been blessed with one of each.

The only way I had contemplated a third was he brought the subject up, and then I found this website. However, since then he has changed his mind without telling me. He knew it was his fault for getting me to consider another. I began to see if was obvious he'd changed his mind, so I offerred him the chance to say so. I'm not willing to want another and push him if he doesn't want one.

I too worry I'll be older and regret it, but I feel I'd regret talking him into it more. I wouldn't want him to ever wish we'd stopped. I guess I'm thinking it's better to stop wishing you'd had more, than to have more and wish you'd had less. I asked him today how he truly felt and if he could truly say he didn't want more, that I would accept that. He was worried I'd resent him for it; however, I explained that I loved him more than the idea of having another. I think another one has the potential to drive him into an early grave.

He is a wonderful husband, and wonderful father who provides us with anything and everything he can. However, quite frequently he seems depressed and unhappy with his job. Knowing that he makes good money that is lowering our credit card debt, he refuses to change careers. Every month he is angry and upset after paying the bills and seeing how quickly it all disappears.

I'm afraid another person to provide for just might overwhelm him. Besides, you know how they are. They aren't as paitent etc. as us, and it seems at times there's no way he could handle another one running around and hollering. tee hee.

Anyway, has anybody made such a decision to not have more and been just fine with it. Although there are many reasons to have another, there are so many reason why not to have one. Plus, my DH is my best friend and there is so much we hope to do together. Perhaps, its best to move on. I do admit each time my youngest passes a phase, it feels nice to know I don't have to experience it again (i.e. teething, learning to use a fork)

Any thoughts?

Kimberly

[dwtegli]

Kimberly,

When we had our second daughter 15 months ago, while she was a newborn, I wasn't sure if I wanted another one or not. Then, when she started crawling, I made the final decision that i was COMPLETELY done. Even though we only had girls, I did not want to ever go through another pregnancy and I was happy with the kids we had. however, we wound up having a VERY surprise pregnancy. I am now 29 weeks with our third child who happens to be a boy. I am still not sure I am ready for another one. I am excited about having him, but I am very nervous about having three kids. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that their will be no more children after this one. I told my doc that since he is the one who convinced me to wait to have my tubes tied after the last one, that it is all his fault I am pregnant now, LOL. He got a kick out of that. I also told him that he will be doing a tubal when I have this one, no matter what. I am so beyond done it isn't even funny. I love my kids, but enough is enough. If we had not wound up pregnant with this one, I would be just as done, and would probably have had a tubal by now and been perfectly happy. Everyone told me that having one of each sex would be wonderful, but I was perfectly satisfied to have two girls. Now that point is mute though.

Oh well, just wanted to let you know that I understand the mentality of being done. If I had my way my doctor would do a hysterectomy after this one so that there is absolutely NO chance of ever having another pregnancy.

[kmwilson]

thank you for your reply

[kirsty]

hi, my appologies for the delay in replying.
yes, I am going to have another one. we are still deciding whether to just do it and be done, or wait til after xmas. I would like to enjoy the day with my kids, and be able to eat!
on the other hand, the longer I put it off, the worse the anticipation seems to get!
Also, I have 2 boys. I have to get my self resolved to having 3 boys and not just try for a girl.
I think if I had had one of each I might have stopped, but then sometimes I see 2 boys as a sign to keep going.
My main feeling is to make the choice and then not beat yourself up about it. there will always be a reason for another, or to stop, so there is never a perfect answer.
good luck
Kirsty

[kmwilson]

we've decided for now we're done unless something changes our mind terribly. However, it turned out HG was really the main factor afterall.

Thank you all for your support.

[ashleymoore65]

I was just reading through your latest posts. I have been out of the loop for awhile. So, you are thinking you are done.... we have put trying again off for another month. We contracted to build a new house this month and I want to give us some time to get that settled. I guess we will continue to take it month to month. I am still nervous and so, so scared! Keep me updated. Ash

[kmwilson]

Ashley,

It is good to hear from you. Yes, we've decided our family is complete unless God decides otherwise. I think you're wise to put off any extra stress b/c who knows what a pregnancy will be like. Keep in touch although I won't have another. I can still support your decision, as it sounds I'm around the corner. Or you know what I mean. At least in the same city.

Kimberly