Struggling with a Decision

[jenniz]

Hi Ladies,

I am 35 weeks (and 4 days...I never thought I'd make it this far!) and I am really, really struggling with something.

A little background: DH is out of state working (he runs political campaigns and is on a 6 month contract out of state), he's been gone for a month. I'm dealing with being so ill & taking care of my 4 year old twins halfway decently, with the help of my mom & dad. (They live with us, even before I got sick...crazy setup, eh? LOL, but we all get along & its great for the kids) I had a c-section for the birth of the twins, one was breech & I had HELLP Syndrome...best just to get them out. OK, fast forward to now...we are looking forward to Baby Sammy being with us & although my doctor has "agreed" (I think its horrible that I need his permission!) to let me "try" a vbac, I can tell the minute I walk into the hospital in labor, I am going to be coerced into a section. I hate the thought of it. I am very much an "earth momma" type and believe in my body's ability to birth my children. That said...my body has been betraying me for over 31 weeks!!! Part of me wants to just schedule the section, get it over with and KNOW for sure when we will be able to go out to spend the summer with my husband (the boys are DYING to be by Daddy!) After HG, with the twins, my c-section recovery was a piece of cake! The "real" me, however, is dead set against this practicality and wants a vbac...but is kind of scared because the body is already in the process of betrayal and, well...am I going to go into labor?!?! They won't induce because of the prior c-section...so I am scared to death that I'm going to go to 42 weeks with no spontaneous labor and end up sectioned anyways. (Thereby eliminating any chance we have to go see Daddy)... And, that's an extra 4 weeks of being sick! I would love to hear your thoughts...I'm really struggling with this and really really tired of being sick...I'm ready to be done, but now that I NEED to make a decision...I can't! Hugs all!!!
________
Marijuana Vaporizer

[Linablu]

Although I'm the wrong person to ask, I'll go ahead and give you my reply. I am so sick of being sick and so ready for this baby to come, I'd go for anything that would end this pregnancy the fastest! Keep in mind, I'm not that into "natural" when it comes to childbirth. I want what is quickest and the least painful.

Just my 2 cents!

[cthmschler]

Jenni -
I can't help you chooose, but I can tell you what I might (stress "Might", since I don't have to make the decision yet, and if I do, will probably be running to you for support ) decide, and bear in mind, I AM a proponent of "natural" childbirth, it actually took the birth of my third, with back labor all the way, to convince me that epidurals were ever necessary. I lived through that one, but if I have so much as a twinge of back labor this time, I'm screaming for an epidural That said, having been this sick this looooong (I've been back on 3 liters of IV fluid a day for 2 weeks (?) now); I'm ready for this to be OVER any way it can be! Don't think a scheduled C will be an option for me, but if it were, I would be sorely tempted, especially as they could do a tubal ligation at the same time and eliminate the need for hubby's vasectomy. Much as I'd love to have a truly LARGE family (one sister has eight kids, couldn't you just choke her?) I could not live through this again, especially without preperation (as happened this time, since this pregnancy was unplanned). So basically, I guess I'm saying, that If I had the choice, I'd grab it, but then again, if I were in your situation, not having done a vaginal delivery before, I can't say
Sorry, I know this probably wasn't helpful. Keep letting us know how you're mind's whirring as you make your decision, though, it may help some of us who aren't quite as far along as we make our own decisions later.

[jenniz]

Thanks, Ladies...

Teresa, I just don't want to regret anything. I don't want to schedule a section and then wonder, for the rest of my life what might have been. I don't want to resent my husband (because most of my reasoning to get it over with is so we can get out there to be with him for the summer), I don't want to resent the baby (not that I think that will happen)...I just NEED to be at peace with whatever decision I come to. I am the kind of person who is very comfortable in my own skin...I want to stay that way and the only way to do that is to stay true to myself, If I can't live with myself over this big a decision...things are going to be very difficult. I don't want any regrets, either way. I've been dying to get this child OUT for so long...and frankly, I think he's done cooking now...but HIS indication is that he is just perfectly content where he is...who am I to disrupt that? Again...just really struggling with this and I admit that I am weak right now and can't make a decision to save my life. Its funny because its normally the small decisions I have a hard time with...(do I want the white t-shirt or the purple one? AHHHH!) but the big ones are the ones I ALWAYS have a handle on...so this is unusual for me. I don't like NOT knowing what the right thing is. And, I just don't know. This is probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make...the answers to life's other "biggies" have just come to me naturally...but not this one. I am just praying that I go into labor before Monday so I don't have to make a decision! And since I'm dilated to exactly ZERO...chances of that are halfway between slim and none! So I am going to make myself even more miserable this weekend trying to deal with this. I don't know what to do! Hugs to all!!!
________
Stocks to buy now

[MamaLily]

Jenni -

I don't envy you for this decision you have to make. That is a tough one. I felt the same way about making decisions when I was pregnant (esp towards the end of the pregnancy). When we were buying a crib, I honestly spent hours and hours researching which kind was the best! I'm embarressed to even admit that to anyone! My sil is the world's most determined woman and even she leaves all major decisions up to her dh when she is pregnant (and she doesn't have HG!). Just wanted you to know that you have company!

Anyway, I haven't been in your shoes. I delivered my dd vaginally and I always planned on an epidural. I'm not 35 wks pregnant (which is amazing, by the way! I've been following your posts on the old forums and I'm so happy for you to be this far). A vbac isn't an issue for me because I've never had a c-section.

BUT, from reading what you've written, it just seems that you need to make a decision that you feel great about. I think that in 40 years from now, it really won't matter how this precious baby was delivered...there will be so many other memories that delivery will seem like a LONG time ago! If you don't spend time with your dh this summer, it will be hard - but in the long-term, you and your twins will probably be just fine. On the other hand, if you are able to be with dh, it will be great. Either way, things will ultimately work out to be fine. One summer won't likely make or break the future for your family. If you do schedule a section, you won't know whether or not you would be able to deliver vaginally. And if that will bother you for the rest of your life, it just may not be worth getting the baby out sooner. A few weeks more of pregnancy may seem like an eternity, but feeling peaceful about the delivery of your child is something that will be with you for the rest of your life.

One more thing (and then I promise to quit) - you have suffered a lot during this pregnancy. I'm sure you would love to be with dh, and it would mean a lot to your twins. So, maybe it's the right thing to go ahead and schedule a c-section. Maybe it's worth giving yourself permission to make a decision based on your current mindset/situation. In the future, if you look back and regret having the c-section, you could easily dismiss those regrets by thinking, "I suffered through nine months of HG. I had 4-yr-old twins who have special needs. Dh was out of the state. Life was hard and I made the best decision at the time." Give your future self a break by realizing that you're not in the best physical or mental state right now. You deserve to make the decision that will make you happiest.

I guess my point with all of this rambling is that things are going to work out, no matter what you decide. And so I think finding peace with yourself about this is the most important thing you can do right now. It may not make a difference, but all of us here are behind you 100% - whatever your decision may be.

Please keep us posted!

- Anna

P.S. You're naming this baby Samuel, right? I LOVE that name...it's one of my favorite choices if we ever have a boy!

[jenniz]

Hi Ladies!

Anna, yes, this baby, for the moment anyways (LOL..another one of those decisions!) is Samuel. The twins are already calling him by name, so I think I need to stick with that choice! LOL...

I *think* I have come to a decision. I did so by *NOT* thinking a whole lot about it. If I were to choose to have the c-section, I would need to be 100%...and I'm not. I won't ever be. So, the only option is to NOT schedule it. I need to be at peace with my decision and open abdominal surgery is not something I can be at peace with if there is another option. I really am OK with it if I need an emergency c-section...I'm not a nut who "needs" a natural birth...but I am a nut who wants one very much and who knows that scheduling a section is a direct violation of my promise to myself to go for it and try. I won't do that to myself. I don't lie to others, so I should do myself the same courtesy. I guess I just need to know. Now, all that said...I kind of feel like crap knowing that I can put an end to this misery but am choosing to let it continue! LOL... oh the evil, evil injustice and irony of it all!!! I just don't think I could live with myself if he had breathing issues or something like that when I could have prevented him from being taken out of me early. If he is comfortable where he is...then its not my place to have him surgically removed. (Did I just say that after 32 weeks of illness?!?!!?!?!?!?) LOL...I have a hard time swallowing being pregnant for any longer... but he will be out relatively soon. (I hope!) I have decided that we are going to spend time with my husband no matter when the baby comes...and if it means the boys start school a week or two late...(Preschool)...so be it, they are MY kids, not the school district's!!! I just know in my heart that I need to feel good about whatever decision I make and this is really the only thing I can be comfortable with. It feels good to be able to say it, and now I just have to tell "the world". (In other words, all the people who are pressuring me to have a c-section, all because they want to know a date...for convenience...well...its not convenient for me either...but if I can deal with puking...they can deal with not knowing the exact day the baby will be born!!!) Thanks, as always to you girls...your thoughts really did help me think this out. I am at such a good place mentally, I had such a liberating weekend...Physically, of course, I am worn out, but my spirit has been nourished and I hope that this will carry me through the rest of my gestation. I even bought a new maternity dress today! LOL...isn't that NUTS?!!? I'm praying every day that the pregnancy will end with a healthy baby (quickly!) and I go and buy a maternity dress! But, I couldn't help it...it was pink AND on sale! How could I resist?!??! HUGS!!!!!! And thank you so much again!!!
________
ZX14 VS HAYABUSA

[MamaLily]

Jenni -

I'm so happy to hear that you have made a decision that you feel good about. I've been thinking about you this weekend...it's great to know that it's been a good one for you. I completely agree that the kids are YOURS and that YOU are the one to decide what is best for them - and I mean Samuel as well as the twins. And it sounds like letting Samuel "cook" for a little longer is what feels good to you. I support you 100%!

Hang in there! You have made it this far and I KNOW you can make it a few more weeks. Now that you have that new pink dress, you're never going to want this pregnancy to end, LOL!

- Anna

[cthmschler]

Jenni-
Thanks for letting us in on your thought processes as you worked your way through this. I'm so happy to hear that you've made a decision and are at peace with it. And I wholeheartedly agree with your conclusoin about the twins. It sounds like they need the time with Daddy (Not to mention that you and Samuel do, too!) more than an extra week or two of school.

[jenniz]

Hi Ladies,

Anna, Teresa, Thanks for your kind words. I feel so good having made a decision that I can live with. (I really made a decision...LOL, its good for my confidence too!)

That was a tough thing to do, but I'm glad I went through it and have a peaceful feeling about things.

I am a Christian and this has been a very trying time spiritually for me (the whole pregnancy, not just my decision,LOL) and I so wish I had come to this calmness months ago. It is so hard being sick, but it is so much easier to be at peace with my puking. Souds weird, but its in God's time, not mine. (AHHH...relinquishing control that was never really mine to begin with!)

Have a great night, all!!! Hugs! Jen
________
CHINESE RECIPES

[MamaLily]

Jenni -

I am so happy that you are completely at peace about your decision, and about HG in general. I'm also a Christian, and my pregnancy was a time of great spiritual struggle and growth. Sometimes I thought, "If I have enough faith, this will go away." Well, it didn't go away - but I got the strength I needed to endure. I'm more grateful all the time for my HG experience and the lessons I learned from it (and the lessons I'm still learning).

Once again, I'm glad you are at peace. And I know you can make it through these last weeks!

- Anna

[RebeccaM]

Sometimes I thought, "If I have enough faith, this will go away." Well, it didn't go away

Wow, that really hit me Anna. I remember thinking that I must not have enough faith, because if I did then I would feel better. I remember praying that it would go away and trying so hard to have enough faith so that it would.

Of course, it never went away. I was sick til the day I delivered.

Looking back, I can see more clearly and I realize that's not how it works. What I need to have faith in is that God knows what's best for me and He will be there to help me through anything.

Unfortunately, it's this is something that is hard to remember when you're in the thros of HG. When i decide to ttc again and I'm pg and in the middle of terrible HG, you must be my reminder of this.

[MamaLily]

Rebecca -

I will remind you. And when you're really sick, I'll bring over my HG survivor friend who changed my life. I think I've told you about her before (she had 5 pregnancies and only has 2 children). She is amazing and I know she'll love to meet you. I keep meaning to post about her in the "Stories of Hope" forum...I'll have to do that soon!

I know you understand me when I say that my pregnancy really was a journey of faith for me. It was so hard. But now I am so grateful for all that I learned spiritually during and after HG. It is the single most life-changing experience of my life!

I stumbled across this scripture last night. If I ever have another pregnancy, it will be my theme, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. Doesn't that just sum up HG? I love it!

When do you think you'll ttc? It will be so exciting to hear you are pregnant (when the time comes)!

- Anna

[RebeccaM]

That is a really good scripture. It definitely gives me strength thinking about it.

I would love to meet your HG freind! And I would love reading her story in the "Stories of Hope" forum.

I actually just talked to my dh today about ttc. It wasn't a big, long talk or anything, but I just asked him when he thought we should ttc again. I told him I thought September would be good and he seemed to agree. So for now, September is the plan! Of course that's still three months away...actually, now that I say it, three months is NOT very long! But we may not conceive right away, and even if we did, it would most likely be a few weeks before the HG sets in. So I have some time to prepare.

BTW- Could you send my your protocol if you get a chance? I know we talked about it breifly. I would love to have one as a guide to create my own. Thanks!

Rebecca

[jenniz]

Yeah, I went through the "if I had enough faith, this would go away" too. And the "Why am I praying to the same God who made me sick in the first place?" And the "What the HELL are you thinking God?!?!" A friend of mine told me "God didn't make you sick. He allowed it to happen, and no one has the answer for that, but He didn't make you sick." Yeah, yeah, OK...all I need is a voice of reason! LOL, She is one of the most faithful people I know, otherwise I probably would have hit her!

I am feeling more and more done with each passing minute, I will be 37 weeks on Sunday and I just feel that that is just HUGE! (just like my belly! ) One really cool thing (most people wouldn't find this cool, but I think fellow HGers will appreciate it) is that only this week have I begun to get really uncomfortable. NORMAL late pregnancy uncomfortable, granted, I've had the physical pain and discomfort of HG for pushing 33 weeks now, but I feel kind of cool to be waddling and holding my back! LOL...I'm a sick puppy! LOL, I was sitting at the dinner table tonight (we had family over for dinner) and I realized I couldn't bend forward, my belly was in the way. LOL...this is definitely the kind of thing that I think I always wanted to experience with pregnancy and just one more way HG has affected me. I would love to feel the NORMAL things normally. I would welcome NORMAL morning sickness. I can handle a backache! Splotchy hands, frequent urination...baby hiccups keeping me awake at night...acne breakouts...LOL BRING IT ON!!! But I have been so consumed with getting to my puke bucket on time that I haven't had two seconds to think about any of the normal things...so I am kind of welcoming the discomfort...does that make sense at ALL?!?! I'm sure all of you understand that. I had a few really bad hours today (this morning, and early afternoon) but all in all, I had a really good day... a very nice change of pace. Now if labor would just start! I feel like a kid in a candy store...How am I gonna stand this?!?! I am sometimes positively giddy (this doesn't happen when I'm puking, LOL) about thinking about when I will go into labor! Its crazy. My bag is packed. I'm going to go buy an extra nursing bra tomorrow. My mom just bought a beautiful new outfit for Sammy to come home in...I'm ready...why isn't my baby out yet?!?!? LOL, This part might just make me crazy. My sister's guess (from the very beginning) is June 30th. (My due date is July 4th) and she was only 2 days off with her guess with the twins. She insisted, "You are having them on Mother's Day!" I went into the hospital the day after mothers day (dehydration) and was beginning to develop HELLP Syndrome and they were born the next day. So, well... I guess I can make it that far. It is PHENOMENAL to think that my due date is 3 1/2 weeks away. How LIBERATING... granted, it doesn't help me physically feel better, but it is so much better than being 6 weeks pregnant and crying all the time (LOL, now I'm 36 and doing it)...it just kind of feels like the end of this is near. What a journey. I do agree that HG is just absolutely life defining. Becoming a mother is, but going through so much to get these children and (with my twins) their special needs...its just amazing to think that maybe, just maybe, HG might be my "preparation" for the tough times ahead. I have stopped praying for strength...LOL, I don't want any more! Instead, my prayers have been, for a couple months now, for peace...and I am feeling really peaceful about things...I wish I had asked for it sooner... It makes the illness just a little easier to bear. Hugs to all, and thank you all so much for your support...it means the world to me, knowing that you are going through this too and truly understand the challenges that we go through! Hugs!
________
Zx14 Vs Hayabusa

[teddi]

I don't think you are a "sick puppy" for welcoming the normal pains of pregnancy. Especially late pregnancy. Now you are fullterm, so at any point, it could be over. I think HGers look forward to the end like NO ONE ELSE! With my first I counted down the days to 24 weeks (I had soo many problems I was just waiting to hit viability, I was so scared). After that, every week was insurance to me. When I finally got *pregnant* (looking, i carried so small I could still hide my preg until my 8th month) I felt like my pregnancy was more real for some reason. Finally something was NORMAL.

I envy you 3rd trimester gals
I know what you've gone through to get there but I still wish I could wake up and be 37 weeks and go into labor. Hang in there. I know many women who've had very successful VBacs. My MIL had two, at age 37 and 39. Hope for the best, just think how wonderful it will be to have your baby, and relatively soon too!

Teddi
9.5 weeks and counting =(

[cthmschler]

Jenni, Anna, Rebecca, and any other Christians out there;

Please visit the "No more for me" folder under "Alternatives to HG". and read (and respond to, if you would) "A different difficult decision" It was somewhat prompted by recent discussion under this topic, but I thought that the other folder was a more appropriate place for the post.
Thanks!