Husband sick of HG

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Husband sick of HG

Postby macsmommy » Jul 11, 2004 9:56 pm

This is my second twin pregnancy and my second with HG, since I didn't get it very bad with my 2 single babies my husband thinks it's not that bad, how do I get him to understand that it really is. Thank god I stay home and my children are all in school/daycare for right now, but I still can't even get out of bed most days. I am 16 weeks and have yet to even gain a pound. I think I am about -6 for this pregnancy, even Zofran isn't doing much.
He gets so mad when I say ok I need to eat but nothing sounds good. He says I should just suck it up and eat anything and I will feel better, how do I get him to understand that is NOT true with HG??
He gets so upset when he comes home from a hard day of work and no laundry is done and I cant make dinner or give the kids a bath. I have gone to two movies alone during the day since I have been pregnant, it was hard but I HAD to get out or I would go nuts. How do I explain that I'm not just lazy that I have a medical condition??
I would love any and all help
Thanks
Melissa in SoCal :(
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Postby PamelaRose » Jul 11, 2004 10:22 pm

Hi, Melissa! Welcome; nice to meet you. Wow, we're having a twin boom here. You're our second HGer expecting twins this week! HG tends to get worse with each pregnancy, and with twins it's no wonder you're really struggling.

Your husband is typical, and that is so frustrating. I can remember so well the tantrums my husband would throw as he sorted through clean, wrinkly laundry. He just could not understand why I couldn't fold laundry if he set it on the bed next to me. :roll: Him yelling, me crying and puking--happened many times throughout the courses of my HGs. It took him until my 4th time through to understand how HG worked, and I think it was because I actually felt well enough with that pregnancy to sit and interact with my family instead of dying in bed. He saw how much I struggled, how much every little effort cost me. Ladies in his office also learned of my HG and told him about their normal pregnancies, and he finally realized how far from normal HG is--I honestly don't believe he realized how unusual HG is compared to normal pregnancy. Plus, that last time he was forced by an angelic home health nurse to learn to run my fluids, and that seemed to be a real turning point for him.

I'm sure your husband is overwhelmed and frustrated, but I have no idea how to get men to understand that it's not about them! I think the best thing I did last time to ease the load (and therefor the frustration) for my husband was to line up housekeeping and meals for him. Attack the symptoms, maybe, and he'll relax? Is there any way you can have someone in to help out by running a couple loads of laundry or wiping down countertops? My grandma came a couple times per week and kept our house in decent order, and it eased tensions. Aside from that, perhaps getting him to read here or getting in touch with an HG volunteer from your area who can validate what you're going through and clue him in? Let me know if you'd like to find someone in your area.

I know others will have good ideas for you; I'll keep you in my thoughts as you work to get those little ones here. I'm sure the ladies in the 2nd Trimester folder would be thrilled to meet you, too. Best wishes!
Pamela

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*Avery (1-24-01)
*Reilly (12-16-02)
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Postby emily » Jul 12, 2004 11:38 am

Um, didn't your vows include sickness and health?

Sorry. I am just irritated with your husband.

I remember telling my husband that I had an advantage over him. Being young and in good health, neither of us had truly been sick in our life. I told my dh he was going to be in for quite a shock when he got older some day and his body started doing things that he didn't want it to, or wouldn't do things that he did want it to.

I would print off some of the info on this website so that your DH can see that you have a "real" condition (yeah, like you are making this up). I would also tell him that he needs to pitch in 100% right now because you are very sick and if he was very sick you would do your absolute best to help him. That is how marriages work. And finally, while you are printing off info for your husband, print off extras and give them to any friends and family that you have and ask them if they would be willing to help. Even offer to pay them if that makes you feel better. One thing that makes me feel better about my next pg is that we belong to a church now, and I know if I need to ask for help, I can get it. And I know I have friends and family who will make us a casserole once a week. Or even better, have my DH and DD over for dinner so I don't have to smell food.

My DH had never cleaned, or done laundry, or prepared meals, or paid bills or anything before I got pg and he had to learn how to do all of those things. Let your DH know he isn't alone, you understand his frustration, you are frustrated too, and that you need to work together. HG reminds me of cancer in a lot of ways. When I used to go in for IVs there were usually several cancer patients in the clinic. Cancer treatment makes you feel terrible, throw up, be tired.... If you were in cancer treatment would your husband still treat you this way? Okay, sorry, I got a little ranty... off my soapbox. I wish I was in SoCal, I would come help you out.
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Postby macsmommy » Jul 12, 2004 1:35 pm

Oh my gosh ladies you have no idea how good it feels to have someone know what Im talking about!!! I said the same thing to him, if I had cancer would you yell at me about laundry??? NO of course not.

He thinks Im lazy, which some days I am but it's because I throw up a minimum of 3 times a day and that is on a REALLY good day. We have a house cleaner once a week and if I could find someone who would cook and do laundry I would do it in a heartbeat, but we dont live in a big city. I have no family close either, my best friend is in Fayetteville, NC. Not to close, she would do anything to help I know.

Is there a way to get him on a support group of some kind, Im sure he would like it. I even let him stay close to work two times a week even though having to pick the kids up and just be a mom kills me, I just cant take his attitude along with everything else right now.

I really just have to get rid of this horrible guilt feeling, I have girlfriends who pick me up every month or maybe twice and take me to a movie or just for coffee (I LOVE the smell, hate the taste) and he gets mad because I have the energy for that, well if he would plan a quiet night out for us where he did everything I would go even if I felt bad just to get out with him.

OK OK no more bitching for today, but on the good side I only got sick once so far and have beenable to eat a little.
Thanks for the help!!!
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Postby PamelaRose » Jul 12, 2004 9:25 pm

We've undoubtedly got a hubby or two here who would be happy to get in touch with your husband. I know how much talking to a volunteer who's been through HG helps out sick women; maybe "sick" husbands need that kind of support, too? Let me know if you're interested, and I'll start up a DADS buddy group! :lol:
Pamela

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*Brody (8-11-98 )
*Avery (1-24-01)
*Reilly (12-16-02)
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Postby macsmommy » Jul 13, 2004 1:36 pm

I think that would be wonderful but I don't think my husband will even read the stuff I printed out, I tried to get him to do it last night and he said no it will just irritate me.
I'm not sure what that means but I will keep trying :?
Thanks
Melissa
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Postby IslandDreamer » Jul 13, 2004 1:42 pm

Hi:

My husband, too, made nasty comments about my lack of housekeeping and having to do all the chores and childcare himself. Then baby Hope died, and he was a new man full of apologies. Perhaps sharing my experience will help. Now that the baby is gone, I can do housework. Doesn't seem worth the trade, does it.
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Postby macsmommy » Jul 13, 2004 2:58 pm

Suzanne,
I am so very sorry for your loss, I too lost a baby at 10 weeks then in January at 14 weeks, he is always very upset for two or three months after but for some reason, maybe because he doesn't get to feel the baby or maybe because I don't look pg yet it isn't as tough for him.
I just really hope he comes around soon enough, I got someone to clean the house once a week and my neighbor said she will do our shopping for a "fee" but at this point I dont care Im just happy to have the help.
Thanks for your support
Melissa
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Postby mammaclare » Jul 13, 2004 7:13 pm

I am so sorry...

My DH was a gem about doing most things around the house, but aside from changing my IV bags when he was home, he really didn't interact much with me at my sickest. I was so incredibly lonely and telling him only made him more distant.

Also, I tried so hard to get him to read about HG--printing material from here, sending him links to other sites, begging him to read on HuGS (the old forum) and he basically refused. I drove myself to the ER several times for IV starts and to nearly every OB appt until my 3rd tri (when he was at home b/c he is a teacher). I was too sick to get mad, but I still tried my best to make him get it. I dreamed of a husband who was my "advocate"--who fought for the best care, who read up on what was happening to me, who defended me to people who criticized, who help my hair when I puked. I didn't get it.

After HG was over (which was delivery), watching Steve with Rory reminded me of how amazing a person he CAN be and it helped some, but to this day I don't feel like he was all the way on my side when I was sick. And, I know now that his reaction to being afraid for me was to "hide". Also, I considered termintating at 10 weeks and when I told him that it was in my mind as a possibility I felt so desperate, he was so angry with me and said he would leave if I did that. I am glad he did that, but he stayed angry for a long time at me.

Anyway, I understand some of what you are feeling and it sucks. What sucks more is that Steve doesn't want to help me through another HG pregnancy; not that I am sure about it myself, but I hate that I feel like I don't have an option.
Clare
Mommy to Rory Benjamin 8-28-03
And Kieran Alexander 12-15-06
HG Babies-Week 5 to The Bitter End!
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Postby annie1005 » Jul 13, 2004 7:54 pm

Hi, Melissa. I firmly believe that a person can't possibly know what torture hg is unless they've been through it themselves. And husbands can be particularly frustrating. Mine is usually a gem - he's always done his share of the household chores and is usually supportive. But even he started to complain some and be insensitive at times. I told him that if I could trade places with him and have to do more but not be sick, I'd do it in a heartbeat. And I told him that I couldn't make it through the pregnancy without his 100% support. I've had to sacrifice a lot and couldn't find an ounce of comfort during this horrible time, and if he couldn't commit to the same thing, then we couldn't have the baby. For me, it wasn't an idle threat or just some passing feeling. I KNEW that I couldn't manage without his complete support and help, and if he couldn't be there and make sacrifices too, then there was no way it would work. He really was able to hear me and promised he'd be there for me. He's been an angel ever since - even on little sleep (between catching up on work, household chores, and being up with our other child, there are some nights when he hardly sleeps), he doesn't complain or make me feel bad. To be honest, I feel like its the least he can do, since he doesn't have to be sick. Of course, every man is different, and some are better than others at chipping in when you need them to. Not sure I can offer you suggestions, but thought I could at least share my "frustrating husband" story. Hang in there. :)
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Postby stephj » Jul 14, 2004 11:14 am

Wow i thought i was the only one with a husband who just didnt get it. I've just come to the conclusion that he just isnt gonna get it because he dosent want to. i feel really bad that he is having to go to work then come home and take care of the house work even though because we have no kids there really isnt that much house work. really he's just cleaning up after himself which before i became sick i always did. now all i get is nasty commits and glances like i'm the laziest person on earth. he hasent even talked to me in 3 days! thats how mad he is. and then today is his b-day so i suck up all the energy i can to bake him a cake (only vomitting once) and he has nothin to say. this really is the last thing i need on top of anything else. i would give anything to be the one doing everything and not be sick. the main thing that makes me mad is that when i wasent sick i took care of him when he asked for a drink i would get up and get it just stuff like that because i liked to now i am sick and he cant even do the same for me. it just all really sucks. i am really considering going to stay at my moms until i get better.
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being alone if there is no support

Postby IslandDreamer » Jul 14, 2004 8:36 pm

Hi,

I can honestly say that the HG was easier to deal with during my first pregnancy, not just because it was responding somewhat to meds, but because I lived alone. No one to complain about the house looking wretched but me and my dogs. My now-husband, then-fiance, felt horrible living in Michigan while I was still in Minnesota fulfilling my teaching contracts, but I was honestly relieved. I could sleep, puke, and cry whenever I wanted. The second time around, I got frustrated comments, rolling eye looks, and the cold shoulder. It didn't matter that we both work in education and had the summer off. . .he didn't think he should do the housework and watch our son and do his own stuff. Whatever! He's sorry now, but he also has said he couldn't live through HG again, and he only had to deal for about 6-8 weeks. Good thing I lived alone the first time, eh?

I say a woman has to do whatever is necessary to survive HG, but it is not worth ruining a relationship if that can be avoided. Ask for whatever it is you need, like going to live elsewhere, but also be willing to accept what he thinks/needs and feels, too.

I know it totally sucks because he's getting off easy. . .and he did this to you (I totally felt like a victim when pregnant and was incredibly pissed off at my husband both times). A strange aside: I really hated my cat during HG, too. My sweet little obese kitty. Odd, eh?
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His atitude stinks!

Postby cree » Jul 18, 2004 9:32 am

My partner thinks im well lazy that i dont care about our son and that i should do somthing like paint the bedroom to take my mind off it! :x .He is making me really depressed and now i wish for death :!: .I can not cope any longer.I have a 3yr old son who thinks i live with the toilet and a house that looks like a war zone yep you got it and a partner who tells me its my fault this is happening! :( .
I had hg with my son for the full 9 months,i also got pregnant about a 2yrs ago but had a termination due to the hg it was a nightmare! I did want another chid but i have been putting it off now im 11 weeks and so is the hg!I am depressed i have tried so many drugs that i think even my doctor has given up! the more i get it to this pregnancy the more i want to terminate and get steralised! please some one help.
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so sorry

Postby IslandDreamer » Jul 18, 2004 1:18 pm

I'm so sorry about your struggle. I've heard acupuncture can be quite helpful. I've also read about steriods on this site. . .something I'd not heard of until this month. Either might be worth a try.

Also, can any friends come over to clean or play with your son. Can you hire someone? Do you have an HG buddy for support? Check the buddy link to see if someone in your area can come and help you. If you are in Michigan or Ohio, let me know and I'll be over as soon as possible.

My heart aches for your suffering.
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Postby PamelaRose » Jul 18, 2004 11:41 pm

Hi, Cree. If you'd like to consider other treatment options, it will help to tell us what's working and what's not. You sound very depressed, and that weepy-foggy-can't cope feeling was what I'd get when I needed rehydration. Are you keeping up with fluids? Perhaps a hospital stay for you and a doctor who spells out reality for your partner will help? Do you have any support outside of your home? We can help more if we know more about your situation. Please know that we're here for you and that many others have been in your place. Hugs.
Pamela

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*Brody (8-11-98 )
*Avery (1-24-01)
*Reilly (12-16-02)
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