Can't take thsi anymore

[Valerie Cruz]

Hello Shin
I really hope you find a doctor who can help you. With my first pregnancy I thought I was losing my mind, and I probably was. I hated for people to eat in front of me, I literally tell people off. I thought I was dying. I was never put on any meds and I was told it all go away but when it didn't I was made to feel like I was overexagerating. Now I think I was delirious because I was basically starving. Not a thing stood down but I continued to eat hoping that I wasn't vomiting everything, and I could not think of abortion, beside the fact I was raised in an apostolic church. I waited five years before I became pregnant again. I was so afraid of going through the same thing because I didn't know of HG. I was hoping that my second pregnancy would be different, because everyone says they are. Unfortunately, it wasn't much better in the beginning. This time I had different doctors, I was being seen at a clinic. The doctors there were awful, the first doctor acted like he listened to what I said but I felt like it just didn't register. Then I went back a week later for my physical and I had another doctor who I automatically didn't like. I felt uncomfortable because of the way he touched me and because of the comments he made about my vagina. I tried to tell him how I was feeling and he just ignored me and kept talking, I'm not going to lie I am an aggressive person, I was furious and I wanted to tell him off but I just didn't feel up to it. I was already feeling weak. I was scheduled for another appointment in another month and I was on my way. I knew what I was going through just wasn't normal but I was made to feel like it'll pass and again like I was just overexagerating. I went back to work, in a warehouse, and over next few weeks I was losing so much weight and everyone was asking what was wrong that I didn't look good and that I should go see a doctor. Finally, when about three weeks past, I almost past out walking back from the bathroom and one of my supervisors stopped me. She told me that I really needed to see a doctor and how to go about getting gov't assistance, because of my income. She told me what doctor to see and gave me his number. I went home early. The next day I called to make an appointment, I was seen the same day and admitted into the hospital because I had lost over 15 pounds in 3 weeks. When I came home I felt so much better. But I was so depressed because of what I was going through and because at the time my brother had was shot. He was released from the hospital two days before I was admitted. So not only was I going to work, I was trying to be a good mother and aunt, I was also trying to be there for my only brother who had nearly died and I was alone because the babies father and I had a fall out. I remember I wanted to just die, I had even told GOD I was willing to give my life for my brothers, because I loved him and because I couldn't take mine. But I just wanted to die. I was taken off of work and had to go on disability, but I was totally alone. After being released from the hospital my first child went to stay with her father because he knew that I was going through alot. He would check on me and send her home for awhile in the afternoon. I was put on meds and they seemed to work with most foods and I started to keep the same weight. I was monitored weekly til I was about four months, the doctor allowed me to go back to work under alot of restrictions and I had patched up things with the dad. Then I started having contractions at work and I was taken off of work again. This time I handled it okay and I was using my aggressive attitude to make things go my way at work and at the doctors. I would still get sick but it was tolerable and if I started having contractions I just went to the hospital and they would give me something to stop the contractions. And Here I Am Pregnant Again. People think I'm crazy but I love my kids and they are so worth everything, even if it brings me close to death. I'm not on meds yet but I'm off of work, I'm about three months so when I go back to the doctor I'll most likely be perscribed something. I've already lost over ten pounds, I skipped an appointment this week, I was just not feeling up to it. But now that I've read the information on this site you bet I'll be making an appointment for as soon as possible. I remember the doctor asking once, because I was stressing over work, he asked what was more important to me the well being of me and my baby or my job. Of course not my job and I was even behind on rent and bills but I was able to make up for it with disability and help from family. I guess my point is that if you and your baby are your top priority then you should be home. And not everything goes well thats just life but if you push and your husband helps you will make things alot easier. Also try talking to GOD. When you start giving Him time and talking to Him, He will make things possible. I know it's hard but hang in there and I'll be praying for you.

Valerie

Oh yeah if you have other doctors in you area even if they aren't very educated with HG maybe you should try contacting them and before going in and checking if they will take you seriously. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND THAT BABY.

[emily]

**I have edited this post, nothing has been deleted and it is noted where edited. Thank you.**



I think Valarie had a lot of good points.

I just wanted to chime in that there were several doctors on staff at my perinatologist's office. They met weekly to review all of the patient's cases. This is actually a blessing. I had about three office visits a week for most of my pregnancy, and I got to know everyone pretty darned quickly. Also, someone was ALWAYS available. I don't know who delivered my baby to tell you the truth. But really, who cares? **edited to add: I DID care, but with HG, I was so sick, making it to the delivery was my number one goal. It was more important, for me personally, to be able to get care at anytime of the day, any day of the week, holiday or not. If I stayed with my midwife, I would have had her guaranteed for the delivery, but under her care, I had a threatened miscarriage. Each person has a unique situation, but that was mine and I am trying to point out the benefits of a larger staff. Of course, there are negatives, and it something that you have to weigh and decide for yourself. Also, it would have been better if I had worded that "But really, I didn't care at that point."** I was throwing up through the entire delivery. The doctor only comes in at the very last bit anyhow, most of your time is spent with the labor and delivery nurse.

If you decide on termination then you **edited to add: you meaning a general you** had better make sure it is your decision, and that you aren't doing it to please others (boss, family, doctors) because you will regret it forever **edited to add: "it" meaning a decision made to please others, NOT a decision for temination specifically. I have personally never terminated so I can't tell you how I would feel about terminating let alone tell anyone else how they might feel. I actually have known several people who have terminated for personal and or medical reasons, and they have been very happy with that decision. But once again, this is a personal thing. What I DO KNOW is that when I was very sick, I was under a lot of pressure from a lot of different people to do things, and it was sometimes very difficult to step up and do what I wanted because I was so sick.** You really need some help and I would strongly suggest your DH speaking on the phone with someone from here who is experienced in what needs to happen. I have a great DH and even he was reluctant to call doctors. Finally, when I had lost 30lbs and was slipping in and out of conciousness, he took me to the hospital and the hospital was furious with my doctor for not admitting me sooner. You can go to the hospital!

[shin]

Maybe that's how YOU felt about your practice, and good for you. As for me, I like to feel like I know the person who is gong to cut through me and get my baby out of my stomach! I am supposed to have a c-section again this time for certain reasons, so you don't know everything about my story. As for termination, don't think for one second I would be doing it for any other reason than saving my sanity. Maybe I am just not as "strong" as you. Regardless, you have no right to tell me how I feel, how I will feel, nor what is important to me or not. I wish you had kept you two cents to yourself.

[annie1005]

Dear Shin,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I, too, had severe cramping on and off from about week 6 through about week 16. My doctor said dehydration was causing me to have bowel cramping (I had it with my 1st HG pregnancy, too). It got pretty bad at times, and I found that going to the ER to get IV fluids did help some. I had really bad constipation during that period, sometimes even followed by diarrhea... my bowels were pretty much going haywire it seemed. Once I started to be able to keep more food and liquids down, the cramping let up also. I certainly wouldn't have been able to work during that time (I only recently have been able to return to work). Between the cramping, vomiting, nausea, weakness, etc. I was lucky to be able to walk myself into the bathroom to throw up. Would it be a possibility to talk to your doctor and make it clear to him that you can't function and ask him for a note excusing you from work for awhile? Sometimes doctors can be so clinical, you really have to spell it out to them. Or perhaps your husband or someone could go with you and talk to the doctor? It can be hard to be assertive with your doctor when you're feeling so weak. Does your doctor have a nurse practioner or physician's assistant in his office? Or could you call and talk with a nurse and explain your situation? They might be able to do something for you. Are there other medication options you can try in addition to what you're taking? (Phenegren, steroids, etc.) Just some suggestions. I, too, during the worst of it thought a lot about suicide and/or termination. HG is by far the worst thing I've ever endured.

You have managed to make it 15 weeks, which really is a huge accomplishment in itself. Whatever you ultimately decide, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

-Annie
(20 weeks today)

[shin]

Annie.

Thanks for sharing your story and letting me know how you felt. It helps to know others out there have gone and are going through this. It helps so much to feel isolated. I am trying to get a note from my doctor. It's just so hard to function and think clearly when you are so sick. The simplest things feel so complicated and overwhelming. But I am getting there. Thanks againf ro your kinds words. Best of luck to you as well.

[MamaLily]

Shin -

I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so discouraged. I understand how you feel...HG is just so horrible and every aspect of your life is affected by it.

I really wish those doctors at John Hopkins had worked out for you. I'll see if I can find anyone else who will actually respond to what you need.

Please hang in there. You have been in my thoughts a lot. It is so hard to feel miserable for such a long time.

- Anna


P.S. Shin, I just found a good MFM division at Sinai Hospital in Baltimore. On their website, it says that they are available "immediately" for high-risk pregnancies. How would you feel about going there? Please let me know if you would be okay with it and if your insurance will cover you there. I'll call them, if you want!

[emily]

Maybe that's how YOU felt about your practice, and good for you. As for me, I like to feel like I know the person who is gong to cut through me and get my baby out of my stomach! I am supposed to have a c-section again this time for certain reasons, so you don't know everything about my story. As for termination, don't think for one second I would be doing it for any other reason than saving my sanity. Maybe I am just not as "strong" as you. Regardless, you have no right to tell me how I feel, how I will feel, nor what is important to me or not. I wish you had kept you two cents to yourself.

Hi Shin,

Based on your reply to my post, I felt it needed clarification so I have edited my post to clarify.

I was NOT saying that you would regret terminating your pregnancy or giving any sort of opinon at all on whether or not you or anyone should terminate. What I was saying is that I felt you would regret making a decision about termination, either way, if it wasn't what YOU truly wanted to do.

I certainly do not know "everything" about you or your story, or anyone else on this entire planet for that matter, but what I have felt after reading your posts is that you are feeling a lot of pressure right now and are feeling a little hopeless, and that is why I just wanted to say that.

Regards,

Emily

[shin]

Emily, I would appreciate it if you did not write to me on this board anymore. Whatever you meant, I find your tone harsh and cold and I do not find it helpful. Rather, you are quite upsetting to me. So as helpful as you may betrying to be, you are causing more damage and I would appreciate not hearing from you.

[emily]

No problem Shin. You have hurt my feelings greatly and certainly don't make me feel good, so I will certainly avoid you if at possible.

[shin]

Anna,

Thank you very much for the info about Sinai. I don't know where they are, but I will find out and give them a call. Hopefully, I will eventually find someone who will listen. I can't thank all of you enough for your kinds words of support and concern. I swear, it's the ONLY thing that has gotten me through some of the toughest moments. I am so grateful to you all. God Bless you all.

[Natalie]

Hi Shin
I was just wondering how you are feeling now. I noticed that your post that started this thread was over a month ago. Have you noticed any change? Are meds working? How many weeks are you now?
Best wishes
Natalie

[shin]

Hi Natalie,

I am feeling better, and I am trying to find a new doctor. I think I am through the worst of the HG. I have some nausea, but it's very manageable. Now, my nails "shedding" to the point that I am losing layers and layers and my skin is getting exposed. It's pretty painful and my doctor, as usual, doesn't care. I have started taking calcium on top of the prenatal vitamins, but it's not doing much. I'm not usre what's causing it. At least I'm not throwing up all the time and I am actually putting on some wieght. I appreceiate everyone's support and help. You have all helped me get through the worst, a time when I truly thought I needed to end this pregnancy. Please stay in touch. Maybe I could help someon out one day.

[PamelaRose]

I am so happy to hear that you've turned the corner, Shin. What a relief - you were feeling so very terrible when you came here! It's always a long road, but it will be smoother from here on out. Your nails and skin sound like fairly typical, albeit drastic, symptoms of malnutrition. Because nails grow so slowly, you may not see things look normal there for some time. But the vitamins will help eventually, so keep on them as you can. My nail growth changed permanently after my 4 HGs, so I now have funky wavy nails to remind me of it all. Strange, but not the worst thing, I guess.

Please keep us updated as your pregnancy progresses--happy pregnant women and cute new babies are the best form of inspiration around here!

[Natalie]

Hi again
Well, I'm glad that things have got a little more manageable. It always seemed to me that when you have HG, as soon as one thing starts easing off, another problem rears its ugly head and then you have that to deal with. I don't remember getting the nail and skin thing but I did have other stressors I could have well done without.
Ah well - at least you have 5 / 6 weeks less of pregnancy to go through since you first posted. Not much consolation when you still feel pretty rotten but better than a kick in the teeth (well - just lol)!
Take care
Natalie

[MamaLily]

Shin!

I have been wondering about you...it's good to hear that you're doing a little bit better!

Let me if I can help with the doctor search.

Keep hanging in there...

- Anna

[Valerie Cruz]

Hi Shin,

I'm glad to hear things are a little better, I was thinking about you the other day. I checked if you had posted anything and you hadn't. I started wondering if you aborted or if you were hospitalized and I just thought I'd pray for you, so I did. I have the same problem with my nails but I know it's malnutrition, I was that way in high school for awhile. I was told to eat more dairy products and jello. I'm glad to hear your still pregnant, I believe that going through what I did I have alot more to thank God for than just my health but the good health of my children. Good luck!

Valerie