Termination Due to HG (Dying inside)

[Onlyiknow]

I found out that i was pregnant about 3 weeks ago with my second child. My other half and i were really welcoming to the idea of extending our family and from the moment that we found out, we imagined the day that it would all begin. After a week from finding out i was Pg, morning sickness decided to kick in (or what i believed to be morning sickness) never did i imagine what the next few days would lead to. i couldn't keep down food or liquids. not even water. i would literally run my face and tongue under my bathroom sink just to try to keep my my mouth moist. i could hardly walk or stand longer than a minute. i started to blackout and could no longer take care of my 4 yr old. Thankfully his father was so supportive and took care of everything. However, i felt like i was dying. My Obgyn prescribed Zofran and Promethazine suppositories but neither worked. i was also put in the hospital for iv's. after not being able to eat or drink for 2 days, dry heathing was the worst! i started to throw up my stomach lining, i was always out of breath and at this point, the only way to get around was to crawl!

to make a long story short i made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, while i was listening to what my body was telling me.. i know if i wasn't dying then? i am now! i had the surgery wed. and now i can only think "what have i done?" i feel like i was weak after reading people have survived this. i feel worthless and can't seem to forgive myself. i wish i hadn't given up so early. that maybe i should have fighted longer. My fiance, took it really hard and at the time i needed him the most, he shut me out. he believed it was going to get better. we both got so attached and it was a battle that we lost together, not something that i took from him. so that breaks my heart even more and places more guilt on me. i really wanted my baby, i couldn't wait to bring he or she home. my first pregnancy with my son, was a breeze! it was beautiful and i loved it. i just don't understand why this had to happen to me? i can't stop crying and i feel so alone but it has really helped to research Hyperemesis and find forums such as this one. i pray they find a cure and that more people become aware of this paralyzing disease. it's not fair

[slterwil]

Many, many hugs. HG is a terrible disease. Please be gentle with yourself as you go through the mourning for your baby and begin healing. You were put very quickly in a place no woman should ever have to be...and having had a previous easy pregnancy I can't imagine how shocking it was to be hit so hard by HG. I hope you find healing here. You won't find any judgement here because so many women with HG have found themselves in your shoes. Lean on us, the ladies here are fabulous. I wish you healing both physically, mentally, and in your relationship. Losses are so hard on couples.

[Onlyiknow]

Thank You so much slterwil it really means a lot! i can not stay off this site from reading all of the stories. it is the only thing that brings some sort of comfort. your are absolutely right that it was such a shocker for me to have a easy going pregnancy with my first and for this to hit me. i never heard of hyperemesis before, but now that i know i plan to raise awareness! no one should ever have to endure this type of pain, especially at such a blessing time and what's suppose to be a beautiful moment of being a women. i really appreciate you and your comment. Thank you

[DebbieS]

Many hugs also to you. It isn't fair what impact HG can have on our lives & how debilitating it is. Very sorry for your loss and your pain. I agree with pp about being gentle and merciful on yourself. You were thrown in the deep end. Wishing you healing as you mourn your loss.

[reverendmama]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've had one miscarriage and then had to seriously consider termination of each of my 4 subsequent pregnancies. I have been so very close because of the HG, especially as I had more children to care for! So, there's no way I could ever judge and ever say anything except that I am so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself, as you begin to heal. No mother should ever have to be put in this terrible situation.

[nekorachan]

it might help you to visit our Memorial page on the site. it helped me to leave a memorial for my little Fushiko. and when i start going to that dark place i go visit the memorial and i see all the company she has. i'm reminded i'm not alone, and neither is she. it's tough, and i don't think it gets easier, but there can be healing from the pain. (if that makes any sense.)

[Onlyiknow]

you all have no idea what this site and your words have done for me! i have been in such a dark place since Wed. (still crying a lot) but after the support and awareness this has all brought, i have found some sort of comfort. Some how i have found strength to share my story and i will inform anyone who is willing to listen about this disease. i thought i'd never share, but this is too severe to keep quite. it is time to find answers! termination may be my biggest regret ever but i will try my best to turn it into a positive. i don't how i will feel tomorrow but feeling like i am doing something about it, helps me feel better. it's the only way i will get through it.

to the one's who have survived this? you have my up most respect! you are more than human and i wish i would have fought a little longer and re-searched it more before i made my decision. i'd do anything to have my baby back the memorial sounds like a good idea, thank you! the part of them not being alone and having company touched me..

[Onlyiknow]

this is morning things turned around again. i feel hurt, saddened, angry and for some reason in denial. it's hard to accept there's no longer that little life growing inside of me. i can't stop asking why? like why? i know this too shall pass but i'm having such a hard time seeing light at the end of this tunnel. lastnight, i felt ok. today, i feel all over the place and to think just a few weeks ago i felt so sane, now i'm losing it!

[nekorachan]

this is where being gentle with yourself comes in. you have to give yourself time to grieve.

"denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance"

you'll eventually get to acceptance, but allow yourself to experience the other four. it's okay to feel them, it's okay to be angry at the world, and it's okay to be you.

try listening to "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. you'll cry, but even today it helps me - esp. when i need to cry about it.

[Onlyiknow]

Thank you nekorachan i have gone through every emotion this week and today has been better than all days, so i am hoping this is me finally getting around to accepting.

at first i felt so alone and now i feel like i belong to a sisterhood. it's really true that "you don't get Hg.. until you GET Hg" it's so much support on here and everyone helps each other out.

what i love the most is that there is no judgement. it has been welcoming from the beginning and i hope anyone who may be reading this, that is faced with the same decision that i had to make? i hope you know that it is ok to write and join this forum. it is great way to heal. i was going to keep quite, but this disease deserves as much as awareness that it can get, in order for us to conquer it! please don't be silent, for yourself and for the many women who has suffered and will continue to suffer until the day comes where the mystery is solved. now that i know so much more about it, i can now prepare myself for the future.(so thankful) if you're reading this and feeling like you can no longer go on? please try to continue to fight, i can't promise that it will get easier but i wish i would have pushed to one more day, and then maybe that one more day would have lead to another! you CAN get through this. unfortunately, for myself i didn't get proper treatment and i went down pretty fast, not aware of the condition i knew something was terribly wrong and i felt that any day i was going to die. if it's a decision that you just have to make, just know that whatever you decide it is ok. This isn't something you did, it is something that is done to you! many blessings to everyone who has helped me through this, i'm so grateful for your support!

[MichellevsHG]

I have walked in your shoes. It is a lonely, ugly feeling inside. I have no regrets, but only encouragement to seek answers. You my friend are not alone. HG is an evil disease. It steals lives, babies, and mommies. You are not a coward. You are a survivor. You came to the right place and I'm glad you found us. Love and many, many hugs.

[AshliMal]

My heart is breaking for youu. I have been exactly where you are (exactly), and that's how I found this forum!
The knot in your chest will go away. You'll stop crying while your fiance sleeps, it does get better I promise!
Lots of Love
A

[Onlyiknow]

Thank you MichellevsHG for your kind words. you are so right! it does steal lives, babies and mothers :/ it's so hard to wrap my head around it (that there's a such thing as this) but like you i have been trying to turn my negative into a positve thank you again!

@ AshliMal thank you also! i read your story and yes we have been down the exact road. i read that you were going to try again? if you don't mind me asking.. did you ever try again? did you prepare? take any protocols?

i'm so grateful for all the support and the Hugs. you guys are such a BLESSiNG! i went today w/o crying for the first time. almost but i was able to keep it together. my only problem is wishing i would have made a right turn to the ER instead of the clinic, but i'm trying to keep those thoughts away.

[samarpana]

The healing process for me was all over the map. I went up and down for a year or longer. Only now, after a year and a half, have I come to a very stable place. It is sad, but it doesn't sink me down into the dark place anymore. It took this long for me to completely stop dwelling on it and accept what happened and what I had to do about it. It was also a process for me to get the point where I stopped blaming myself and telling myself that I made a mistake. I think that is the hardest thing and no one talks about it that much. However, I believe it is THE most important thing to become whole again.

So I want to add my thoughts as much as possible on the subject. We can't change the past and invalidating ourselves only deepens our suffering. The greatest thing that catapulted my healing was to validate myself. In other words: I had to come to a deep understanding of why I chose to terminate. Instead of focusing on what I could have or should have done differently. I looked carefully at what was the truth in the moment that I went through the HG: The lack of support, the lack of proper care, my rapidly declining health, the potential loss of my livelihood and life. A lot was at stake and I have no doubt I was facing serious, long term destruction of the integrity of my physical body. Yes, I didn't have the strength or support to sacrifice myself for the the life of another. But not all of us do. And it is OK. We don't all have to. You are NOT any less of a woman because of this. It is OK that you couldn't endure it. And it doesn't mean your are weak or inferior in any way. No one and nothing should make you feel that way. I too admire the women who can endure and entire HG pregnancy. But I am not walking in their shoes, nor are they walking in mine. We each have our own unique lives and different paths. NEVER compare yourself to anyone else. And NEVER think of yourself as less because of it. Make a LONG list of why you had to terminate including how you felt physically, lack of support and care, etc. And review this list very seriously every time you feel regret. Never rely on your spouse or anyone else to validate you, because they can't and maybe they won't. You are the only one who can validate you. And I promise you, it will speed up your healing!

I am so sorry you had to go through this. You are not alone. Sending you comfort and blessings....

[Onlyiknow]

Thank you samarpana you made a lot of good points. it's a better feeling knowing you're not alone. i've read stories on here and if i hadn't known any better myself? i'd think i was the one who wrote them. i appreciate your comfort greatly and the advice given. on days that i am not doing so well, i come back to read each post some one has took their time out to help me. Sending blessings back your way! i appreciate you and your strength for sharing your story with me

[S30307]

Thank you for sharing that samarpana. I know you said something similar to me when I posted my story in August. But I really needed to read it in those words. This was really what I needed tonight. Thank you.
Blessings, healing and light to you all...

[Cin]

We love you here. We understand the way no one else does. I wish you healing, peace and gentleness to yourself. Hugs.

[S30307]

Thank you Cin.
Much love to you.

[Barbnj]

What amazing stories what amazing ladies. These are the women
who pulled me from my suffering I was so buried deep in the
hole I saw no way out until I found her foundation.

I am coming up on the 4th annv of my termination and still feel sadness
but know it was out of my control that is my severe violent illness
which grasped me and swallowed me whole.

My first pg ended in mc in 2004. The 2nd one a IVF preg dealt me a blow
6 weeks into it. The rest I won't get into.

Just continue to read each reply and know you are indeed not alone but
in a sisterhood who understands you your thoughts wishes and pain.
Just continue to reach out and we will be here.

Gentle hugs and peace filled days.

Barb

[beyondthepale]

i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. please be assured that you're not alone. my husband and i made the decision to terminate at 15 weeks in september. it hits you out of nowhere, you're totally blindsided and confused and you're hurting, and starving and in pain. you will start to heal though. i thought oh my God, what have i done when i woke up in the hospital, immediately regretting our decision. afterwards, when i got home and started getting back to my daily routine, i realized that while sad, we made the best decision at the time. and find hope in yourself that you will one day have the courage to try again, this time, knowing what is to possibly come, you can plan. use this site not to feel bad, but rather to see that if these women can do it, you can too. i have used them as a backbone to start investigating good doctors and planning and it's december. you'll never forget, but, you can find solace in it. you have to accept it, know that you made the best decision at the time and tuck it away somewhere inside of you. you're a great person i'm sure and there's nothing malicious behind what you chose. don't let people judge you, they'll never understand. my thoughts and prayers are with you, please, find a way to accept this decision and try to think ahead. hugs.