PPD and recovering

[phaerelastra]

I was so relieved to be over HG after my baby was born that I was sure I would just post her pics in the delivery section and leave the forums here so I could leave HG behind. I was really happy for about a week after the c-section, but I know I'm getting depressed now.

I came back on the boards about a week ago and I was reading some of the posts in the 3rd tri section and I was mostly okay. It almost felt like my HG happened to someone else and not me. I didn't want to lose perspective about how far I've come, so I've kept reading posts, but now looking at them makes me want to cry. I don't know if its the trauma from being so sick or just being pp, but I feel like I can't function sometimes. I had to go back to school already, even though I'm only 17 days pp, and I feel like I can't handle the stress. None of my professors are going to give me more time off and I can hardly stand being away from the baby, even though I find myself unable to cope with her crying and I resent her sometimes for what HG did to me.

My DH is trying to be helpful the best way he knows how, but he gives himself far more credit than what he's actually doing. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to go backwards and just be pregnant and not a new mom yet, while other times I can't wait to get pregnant again with a new baby, despite HG. I don't want to call my OB and start complaining already because it feels like its too soon to be this upset. My DH also keeps reminding me that its just hormone changes and I'll be okay, but nothing feels okay.

I'm just really sad.

[slterwil]

HUGS. I know it's hard. I had to go back to work teaching two weeks after I had my first, and it was awful. I struggled a lot with feeling really down after I had her and then being away from her compounded it. Coming here is a step in the right direction. I don't want to just pass it off as hormones changing (which it very well could be still) just in case it's the beginnings of something more. It's not too soon to be upset considering the type of pregnancy you had. You've had several months of hell culminating in having a newborn, major surgery, hormones all to hell, and the pressures of school. I'd call and talk to the doc. Wasn't the one lady doctor really understanding and sympathetic to how you wanted to manage things with your HG? Perhaps she can help you now or give you a time line of watch and see?

[butterfly]

My DH is trying to be helpful the best way he knows how, but he gives himself far more credit than what he's actually doing.

Isn't that the truth? My DH always felt he was doing "everything" when in actuality it was little and not enough.

I would be surprised if you felt great after your pregnancy, the surgery, the hormonal changes, etc. I'm sorry you have to jump right back into school.

It could be recovering from it all and what you are dealing with now. But, don't just brush it off. If you don't start feeling better and especially if you start feeling worse it's not a bad thing to let your doctor know. I suffered from PPD/PTSD and at first I thought I was okay and then it started going downhill fast. You might need to talk to your OB before your 6 week visit.

I'm not saying you have PPD or will get it, but if you do there are meds you can take (even if you are breastfeeding) that I think really saved me. I'm just putting that out there.

But, I hope it is "just" recovering mentally, emotionally, physically, from everything you've been through. Is there anyone that can help out aside from your husband? Don't be afraid to ask for help. Often people will, but just don't know what to do.

I found the sleep deprivation of a new baby to be a really killer as well.

Take care. It is a joyful/yet difficult time period you are in.

[phaerelastra]

I had a pretty serious meltdown yesterday after an argument with DH, so I called my OB finally. The nurse had me describe my feelings and whatnot, and she told me to come in right away. I had an appointment for the baby in the morning and tried to push off the visit until Monday, but she wouldn't hear of it. I ended up rescheduling the baby's appointment to the afternoon and going right into my doc.

It was weird because everyone was talking to me like I was fragile, which I guess I kind of am. Since I had issues with depression and anxiety before the baby, its no wonder that PPD is already an issue for me. Plus, I already got my period again even though I'm solely breastfeeding, so I feel like I'm on a psycho roller coaster emotionally. She prescribed me Zoloft and because I had my 6 week checkup scheduled already (3 weeks from now), she moved up my appointment to just 2 weeks away to make sure the meds are working.

I feel weird choosing to go back on anti-depressants because I was managing my depression for quite a while without meds. I don't like having to take something to feel better, I really wish I could manage my own emotions without it. But, its definitely better to be on meds and feeling better than trying to be Superwoman yet again. I took one of those PPD quizzes and scored a 21 out of 30, and anyone over 10 is considered having PPD. I noticed an immediate mood change after starting the medicine though and I was told that Zoloft doesn't need to build up in your system to have an effect, it works as soon as your body digests the pill.

Well, I guess its a step in the right direction.

[butterfly]

I'm so glad that the Zoloft is helping. When I was on that I felt an immediate help too. But, I didn't get the full effect until I went up dosages. Don't beat yourself up, it's not bad to use meds as a tool to help manage. It's not like you failed or something. Your body, emotions and hormones have been through quite a lot so it would be common for a person with a history for some PPD to flare up. It doesn't mean it will be like this forever. Keep us updated.

[slterwil]

I'm so glad you called and that you're on the zoloft. That's amazing how it works so quickly. HUGs. You've been through a ton with your pregnancy. It'll get better. Those post-partum hormones are a freakin' bitch on top of everything else.

[SCUK]

So pleased to hear you got help (((hugs))). S x

[eliana1300]

I am glad that you got the Zoloft and it is working already. The nurse was right to get you right in, because baby really needs a healthy mommy right now. I have struggled with depression for years before baby, so it isn't a wonder to me (or most people that know me well) that it is still a struggle for me, just now even more so with my son.

The thing that catches my attention in your most recent post, though, is that you say your period came back. I am kinda concerned about that, because normally you have bleeding for up to 6 weeks after birth. I have heard some on here say that theirs lasted about 2 maybe 3 weeks, but according to your ticker, you are at most 4 weeks out. Is it possible you are still bleeding from the birth? If that is so, you could also ask your dr about iron pills for anemia, just in case. I had complications after birth where I "bled" for about 4 months (they actually call it hemorrhaging because of how much blood I eventually lost). I can tell you that I was very anemic from that, and so was tired and depressed in a very different way. All that to say, I was told that everything was normal until about 8 weeks out, then things got serious really fast.

I don't mean to scare you about MY issues, just something else to consider. I didn't know about any bleeding after birth, and mine was problematic, so now I am a bit scarred from that!

[phaerelastra]

I appreciate the info, any little bit helps. I'm starting to wonder if its bleeding from birth or it really was my period, because now that I stopped breastfeeding, I'm noticing period like cramping. Man, giving birth is a huge pain in the ass, to still be dealing with this stuff a month later. LOL Anyway, I don't know that anemia is a concern for me, but I've been more tired than I expected to be from taking only 3 hour naps at a time. Definitely something to talk to my OB about next Friday when I go in for the check up on my meds.

I'm noticing that the depression is far better than it was, though its a slight nagging thought all the time. But my anxiety is pretty bad still, and I think that might be a bigger issue for me. It really stops me from doing things, like making phone calls or going to class sometimes. I stopped breast feeding so that I can go on different meds if I need to. DH finally convinced me that BF was more than I could really handle right now. I love that he can feed her and I don't have to worry about pumping, but letting my milk dry up has been difficult.

[eliana1300]

I had to stop breastfeeding, too, so I could go on meds that would impact nursing (not anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds). I had never intended to BF for long, but having to be on meds for something I couldn't control really made me upset and depressed. I am glad the meds are working for you. Anxiety is something I struggle with a lot too.

I always say that baby deserves a happy, healthy mommy more than baby needs breastmilk, so that might help the "mommy-guilt." Yes, breastmilk is best, but formula is good, and it was actually the best thing for my son. We never really discovered his allergies for over a year, but his formula allowed him to gain weight appropriately and stay healthy. If I had been nursing, it really would have affected him in some bad ways.