Why can't I just go back to how I was before? RANT

[butterfly]

For those of you not familiar with me, after my last pregnancy 2 1/2 years ago I spiraled down into some pretty serious PPD/PTSD. Although I am doing a great deal better than I was back then I am still so far from what I would consider "normal." I've kind of given up hope on being like I was before, but I just want to be more functional and happier.

I feel angry that I can't just be fine. I'm on meds, I've adjusted meds, I've readjusted meds, etc. I see a really good therapist weekly. I have a lot of external stressors that are making it tough to heal, but don't we all?

I've had to vastly cut back on my life and what I do. Some of the meds I make cause me to be tired, but if I don't take them I get major anxiety issues. So, I have a hard time being motivated (and I was the opposite before this) and need a lot of naps. I still get unexpected PTSD symptoms like intrusive thoughts here and there and lots of depression.

This is so frustrating to have gone through HG and then to be battling this all this time later. It has truly "changed" me, altered my mind or whatnot.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed mentioning or discussing this with people who haven't been there. It's tough enough for people to understand a mental illness as it is without stigma, let alone one activated by a pregnancy that was 2 1/2 years ago. People feel that it's over, it's not happening again and I need to just move on. Boy, I would LOVE to just move on!

Aside from my DH and my therapist I have no one I can talk to that understands this at all. I just wonder if it's gonna be like this the rest of my life.

Everything takes so much more effort than it used to. My kids overwhelm me completely. I feel like I'm just getting by in survival mode. I want everyone to go away, leave me alone and just let me rest.

Through friends moving and me being so isolated by trying to combat this while working (mostly from home) and taking care of kids I feel suddenly very alone. Summer break terrifies me.

Last month my parents visited and some things in our day went really wrong and then my kids got out of control and I ended up with a severe panic attack. So, I had to go and take my clonazepam to calm down. Later I told my Mom I was feeling better now after my meds kicked in and she ROLLED HER EYES at me! So, she apparently doesn't approve of my meds. I was so hurt.

My Dad is an M.D. and he doesn't specialize in psych, but he thinks I'm taking such a high dose of things and really questions it. I actually have come down a bit. If I go down further I dissolve into really bad places. I just said well, I'm really screwed up so I need a lot of meds.

Now I have TMJ from clenching my jaw due to stress. So, I'm dealing with that too. I try to get plenty of sleep, eat well, work out tons, have a supportive DH now and have planned in some "breaks" from the kids in my week. But, I'm still just not quite making it.

Help! Advice?

[eliana1300]

I wish I had advice for you, but I am personally still in a really bad place myself. I have completely shut down emotionally for a time (I can't remember for how long now), because I just can't deal with it. Unfortunately, this problem is causing a LOT of panic attacks, and more depression. As you saw in another post, I am trying to figure out how to see someone to help me with all this, but life is just so crazy right now. If it isn't one person falling apart, it's someone else, and a good percentage of the time, it's me that is falling apart or holding someone together. These are just excuses, I know. But I do know how you feel.

As far as meds go, especially with your parents, my dad does NOT have an MD or anything, but he always says I am on too many medications. Not for depression, but for a sleep disorder. One I am sure he has or he has something similar to. I have to take meds to help me fall asleep at night and meds to stay awake. I just tell him that I have tests that show how badly I need these meds, and that there is a VERY HIGHLY respected dr prescribing them. If he wants to argue, he can argue with that dr. Other than that, you should be on the meds that work for you at the doses that you and your dr agree are safe for you. If your dr/therapist agree that the low combo is working, then great.

Good luck!

[*Mel*]

I don't have any really good advice for you! take time for yourself to try to de-stress! HUGS and I'm so sorry your still having a hard time

Also maybe join a local moms group in your area to help not feeling so alone, it has really helped me a lot !

[butterfly]

Thanks gals. Mel, I was in a Moms group once and it was wonderful. Then I moved. My problem now is that between my part-time work and my kid's appointments I don't have time to go to anything. It's like my best buddies are my kid's therapists.

[DebbieS]

I don't have advice for you either. I got PTSD over 5 years ago (2nd preg). I am changed.. anxiety still drives me, although the intensity is gone. The idea of weight loss terrifies me as it brings me back to those times. I suppose what helps me is quiet time/meditation, gym, getting outside. I should go back to my psych again. I hear you when you talk about how overwhelming it can be with children, particularly during holidays.

[Schatje]

(((Butterfly))) I know what you are going through. I too have been changed forever and boy does it SUCK!

You are doing everything right, everything, and now you just keep working in therapy, hoping, being open to med changes, keep your lifestyle changes and follow your path to wellness. Recovery can take a long time as you know. I sometimes find it funny that they even call my situation "recovery" as this isn't something I can ever get over or put behind me.

Now I know you’ve tried just about everything so I’m going to go with the more “out there” things.

I don't particularly care for DBT, but a lot of people swear by it and there are some parts of it that can be very helpful. One part of DBT that made a difference to me was the idea of Radical Acceptance. Radical acceptance is total and complete acceptance and different than the logical acceptance, the acknowledging of the problem, the tailoring of our lives to it, the acceptance of treatment, etc. It is really on a different level. I didn’t “get it” until one day it sort of clicked. I have a handout from the hospital that has a few things underlined in it about Radical Acceptance and one says “ACCEPTANCE is the only way out of hell” and “Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.” So basically by accepting my situation and that my life will contain pain and that will be routine for me I was able to take a lot of the suffering out of it. Now when things get hard I sort of shrug and go say, “Here we go again, time to break out the coping techniques.” Basically I now still feel the pain, but it doesn’t destroy me or cause intense suffering anymore.

Your life will never be the same. Going through this has changed you for better or worse, even if you wake up one morning and there are not more symptoms of PTSD or depression or anxiety you can't go back to the times before it all took place. Those experiences have added to your strength, patience, empathy, and through all this work you have been doing you have a better understanding of those around you and yourself. Perhaps by accepting on that deep level that things will never be the same and that the road to recovery will have pain can help take away some of the suffering from the pain. Sounds bizarre and sort of hooky I know and I still roll my eyes about a lot of DBT at times.

I believe you’ve done CBT so perhaps giving some DBT or ACT a shot could help. ACT taught me that accepting doesn’t mean I have to like anything, that they are two completely different things, and that I’m allowed to hate what I’m accepting and mourn the loss and that doesn’t mean I’m not accepting the problem. The two sites my one good counselor at the hospital gave me was www.dbtselfhelp.com and www.middle-path.org. I also have a list of books he recommended on DBT and ACT if you are interested.

It is hard to feel so alone in this so perhaps going to a NAMI or DBSA group could help. I attended a few DBSA meetings and there were a good mix of dx, including a lot of people with co-morbid anxiety disorders, but I stopped because my x-pdoc would attend occasional meetings too and they only happen once a month. NAMI is more of an “everybody with MI” organization rather than just focusing on depression and bipolar. If nothing else going to one every once in a while will help you see what others are trying, who they are seeing, and probably make you feel relieved when you see how bad off some people are. Oh and I’ve been hearing great things about NAMI’s family group and you might benefit from that at some point in the future too. Honestly though, nothing is going to be the exact right fit because our situations are sort of unique. No one seems to understand the pregnancy causing the MI element even if they understand the MI element.

As for your family, well my parents were similar until recently, not sure why they changed, but I just didn’t discuss the meds situation with them. When I’ve had them roll their eyes I’ve made a sarcastic joke out of it asking them if they would like me to share. I’ve even told them straight up to get used to it because it is my reality. They have changed their attitude recently, after nearly 9 years since my formal dx. Before then I didn’t confide unless I had to and when I did, if they gave me attitude about it, I got sarcastic so they learned to hide their disapproving or your not really sick you’re a drama queen looks.

Whatever you do, don’t give up hope. I’ve always seemed to have depression and some issue with anxiety, but as you know it went wild after my first pg and got much worse after my second. I just started to get real relief from my symptoms last fall, it came back for a few months, and now I’m once again having many more good days than bad. Sometimes it takes more time than we think we have endurance for, but we do have the endurance. We survived HG so we definitely have the endurance right?

[mzzzny]

Hi Butterfly,

I am so sorry that you are still struggling after 2 1/2 years. I am still pregnant (22 weeks) and dealing with initially severe, and now moderate HG. HG has impacted and altered my life tremendously, so I am already preparing myself for the onset PTSD, anxiety, and depression. I already have PTSD symptoms. The way I understand it, HG is a severe and chronic trauma, so it makes sense that the way we think about ourselves and the world around us shifts completely.
I happen to be a clinical social worker and my area of expertise is trauma. May I also suggest another non-traditional therapy called EMDR? I am EMDR certified and (while I was still able to work) use this technique with OEF/OIF combat survivors to help them recover from their traumas. I am truly amazed by how effective this technique is, and I am actually planning to receive EMDR after the birth of my son to help me recover from my emotional symptoms related to my experience with HG.

The following website provides detailed information about EMDR and can also direct you to providers in your area:
www.EMDR.org

I truly wish you well and if you have questions or just need someone to vent to, please reach out to me.

Tara

[butterfly]

Schatje- Thank you so much for all that information. I will look into it. You have always been so supportive of me through all this. I guess I just had a pre-conceived notion it was a "temporary" thing that just was going to be post-partum. I guess the parents sometimes just don't understand it or want to believe it.

Mzzney- Yes, I have done EMDR. I have found it helpful. Because I've had some ongoing trauma it is hard to do EMDR on some of it because it has to be in the past or I've not been stable enough. I think that my therapist will be moving forward with more EMDR soon.