Help for my friend

[Csfriend]

HG from the beginning, MC at 12 weeks, only been married for 2 months, residential program for 4 days, down 35 pounds, and across the country from me.

Depressed, marriage falling apart, afraid to eat (and allergic to so many things prior anyway)... I want to help... she was my lifeline through my college years of depression, and severe eating disorders.

[slterwil]

I originally posted this under the new to the forums, but it's more appropriate here..

welcome! you must have an incredible friendship...so awesome that you are here. ask us anything, we'll do our best to help you understand and best help your friend. the ladies here saved me mentally my last pregnancy and their advice helped me learn how to advocate for the care I needed...this forum is amazing.

None of my babies were lost to HG, but their losses were still very traumatic. the big thing that I wished that people understood when I lost each one is that even though they weren't here yet, they were very real and wanted to me and their losses were deaths that I needed to mourn like any other person I've lost in my life. I don't want to be a downer, but it has taken me years to grieve my angel babies. it was also next to impossible for me to talk about the losses for a very long time...not even with my DH an we talk about everything. the most comfort to me was when someone would just acknowledge the hurt I was feeling and let me know that they were there in anyway I needed help. very few people (including my parents) were able to do that...it sucked. for the longest time I couldn't even hold other people's babies for fear of completely breaking down...it was painful.

all that said, when it came to both of my HG pregnancies that made it to the end (Smile), I was terrified of another miscarriage with the first one. I was terrified the entire pregnancy that something was going to happen to the baby. all the way into the third tri I was like that. to be so sick, misunderstood and scared was really rough. only DH understood how hard it was because experienced it for nine months with me. now, with the baby I just had, this may sound crazy, but I was so sick at the beginning (way worse than with my first) that I would beg god for a miscarriage or to just let me die because I was so miserable. I eventually got past that, but it was rough. If I'd had more support from family it would have helped. even after ER trips and homehealth they didn't understand or acknowledge how sick I was...it sucked. It was an incredibly lonely time for me. I didn't want molly coddling or pampering or anything, I just wanted companionship to not feel isolated and alone.

Lots of us on here will tell you our stories to help you better grasp HG.

It took me months to regain the weight and my health after my first HG pg. I ended that pg 15 pounds below my starting weight. This time around I weighed exactly the same at the end of the pg as at the beginning. It took me the whole nine months to gain back what I lost at the beginning. Now that I've delivered I'm twenty pounds lighter. It's crazy. I'm still struggling with food and flashbacks to the nausea but I'm not losing weight like I was. My muscles are gone...so now it's a rough road ahead of eating proteins and building back strength. Your friend will need support in so many ways to recover from this and maybe try again one day. The physical tole of the malnutrition is hard (which with your history, I'm sure your familiar with it. I struggled with anorexia for years (something I never talk about with anyone...I've never even mentioned it on here) and when I was getting to "normal" after so many years of treating my body horribly, it took a while...finally got normal and developed a reasonable relationship with food--and gained weight in the process--only to get HG...uggh.)

as to the rocky new marriage part...even string marriages suffer during HG. HG is such a shock because all your expectations of pg just shatter and you spend your time just trying to survive the next minute or hour or day....it sucks.

(soory for the bad punctuation, I'm one handed typing with a sleeping baby Smile)

[Csfriend]

THanks for your words. I saw it under my new to forum post as well. Appreciate it.

[purplegirl50]

My advice is similar in that what helped me was people understanding how sick I was and not trying to give me suggestions or minimizing what I was going through. It's amazing how many people say the wrong thing, and they are usually trying to help, but it makes things much worse. When you tell someone with HG "the sun will come out tomorrow!" it is like a slap in the face. At least it was for me

Way to be a good friend. I encourage you just to be a listening ear, and I'm so sorry for your friend.

---Stephanie

[Csfriend]

Sent her sunflowers the other day. Logic:

1. They don't aggravate allergies or have a strong smell
2. I am convinced you can't look at sunflowers and not smile

[eliana1300]

Sunflowers are probably a pretty safe bet. I know some that do have allergies to them, but I am sure you know your friend enough to know if she does or not. Besides, even if they do bother her a bit, she can leave them outside while she enjoys their beauty from afar.

I was impressed with my husband one time who brought me home plastic versions of the carnations I had at our wedding. That was really very cool to me, since they didn't smell and I could keep them forever.

[Csfriend]

Thanks. Yeah, she is doing ok and said they make her smile each day. I wish I could be there closer to help and just BE, but it is hard when you are on opposite ends of the country.

[zeeshan]

I was impressed with my husband one time who brought me home plastic versions of the carnations I had at our wedding. That was really very cool to me, since they didn't smell and I could keep them forever.

[shahidjee]

Hi all, My Cousin and best friend has been suffering from HG since her 4th week of pregnancy. She's 11 weeks now and has been in and out of the hospital, lost 15-20 lbs, and can barely eat. When she first got sick I TOTALLY thought that she was over exaggerating or "milking it' and I have to say thank you to all of you for helping me start to understand how real and terrible this is for her.