Goodbye to our Angel

[debthommo]

Hi girls,

I have just found this website and have been reading some of your stories. I am sitting here in tears and I just felt like I needed to write mine down.

Two weeks ago at our 12 week scan, we were told that our baby had no heartbeat - he/she had died at 11 weeks & 5 days. My husband and I were just devestated. I had to go in and have a D&C last week and now I am just living in limbo, trying to come to the realisation that I am not pregnant anymore.

We have been blessed with three children - for my two sons I had mild morning sickness, but when I fell pregnant the third time - HG hit me at 5 weeks. Like a lot of you, I thought I was going to die - wanted to die some days. Was in and out of hospital, my husband had to leave his job to take care of our boys and I had thoughts of just wanting this pregnancy to end. Luckily for me, I battled through and at our 12 week scan, saw a very healthy baby - my daughter was born 6 months later - perfect!

I had swore that I would never fall pregnant again, but in August my period was late and low and behold the test was positive. I immediately went into a panic, thinking of what was going to be ahead. HG started at 5 weeks. I began to resent this baby, even hated it for making me feel like this. I started taking stematil & zofran to try and stop the vomiting, but at our 12 week scan - our baby had died.

I cannot describe the pain that I feel inside. I feel like I did this to my baby - because secretly I wanted her to die, to get out of me, so that I could feel better. I find myself aching to feel HG again, just so I can have her back. I am barely speaking to my husband, as I feel like such a failure and its all my fault that the baby died.

I know in my head that its early days and the feelings will eventually pass, but at the moment it just feels like I went through 7 weeks of hell and have nothing.

Deb

[samarpana]

I can relate to everything that you are feeling. And I am so sorry this happened to you. I felt like a failure and at fault too. I didn't even know a thing about HG, and I actually worried there was something wrong with me mentally / or emotionally that might have caused the HG! Now that I have learned more about HG, I can clearly see that this is simply is not possible. I am absolutely certain that our subconscious minds do not seek to destroy us or the babies within us, nor does it have the power to do so. And it doesn't matter if you had negative thoughts. I understand that most HG'ers experience similar negative thoughts throughout entire pregnancies! The thought alone is not powerful enough to end it. Trust me when I say that your thoughts of wanting the pg to be over were not the cause. And you are truly not at fault. The HG was at fault! This whole HG thing is a truly terrible hormonal or genetic anomaly. It caused me a horrendous brain fog. I had dark thoughts that I did not recognize as myself. These thoughts had no power over my body. And also, my "positive prayer thoughts" asking the universe for help and healing had no power either. The suffering continued on, unchangeable. HG is beyond all of this. It's terrible cascade of symptoms cannot be touched or shifted by the mind, and apparently, in my case, could not even be touched or shifted by "God!" But I do understand what you are feeling. I went through something similar. Allow yourself time to heal, and blessings to you in your healing journey.

[slterwil]

Many Many hugs.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know how painful it is. Please be gentle with yourself as you grieve.

[E-Mom]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Many of us have "secretly" hoped for a miscarriage or asked about terminating. It is a totally normal part of HG. You get so sick, dehydrated and miserable that your brain kicks into survival mode. HG has forced some women to terminate because their lives are hanging on the line. You absolutely, positively did not cause this. It's just a tragic, sad thing that sometimes happens.

Again, you did not cause this. Many of us have thought we wanted our pregnancies to end and they didn't. Many of us have thought we wanted our pregnancies NOT to end and they succeeded. It's one of the frustrating parts of HG...the psychological torture.

Please don't beat yourself up. You're going through something really painful. I'm sorry.

Stephanie

[katekate]

Deb, I'm so sorry for the pain that you are going through.

Please, please, please know that this was absolutely not your fault and you are not a failure. It was not because of anything you wished for, anything you did or did not do. You've been unfortunate to have some terrible, terrible bad luck, not only with HG but also the loss of the little one you were struggling on for and that's not fair.

Please be kind to yourself and remember you are not a failure.

Hugs

Kate

[deb]

*hugs* from another deb!

you did NOT cause your baby to die! but i know how hard it is to be in your spot, having lost what you were fighting for, wanting to be sick again just so your baby would be with you. i'm sorry you're here.

[SCUK]

Deb I'm so sorry for your loss ((((hugs))))

S x