This goes way beyond crackered! (VENT!)

[ebajane79]

One of my close friends that I'm in a couples' group with has infertility and just adopted her first child. I am very, very careful about how I approach the subject of pregnancy with her, because I understand that being around me must bring up some difficult emotions for her. I called to tell her individually that I was pregnant instead of making a group announcement, and I never bring up the subject of pregnancy or hyperemesis (which has decreased from severe to mostly mild/moderate for me now). If someone in our group asks me how I'm feeling, I answer them, but I try not to dwell on it because I know that my friend would understandably give just about anything to be in my place right now. I'm also very aware and avoid venting or even mentioning the hyperemesis on Facebook for the same reason.

In a blog post of random comments yesterday, my friend wrote this:

Pregnant women who complain incessantly about being pregnant...I have no patience. Complain to someone else about your miracle and its unpleasant side effects.

I'm not a fan of jumping to conclusions, so for the record, I can't say for sure that she was talking about me. But due to circumstances and timing, chances are pretty darn good that I'm at least on her list.

I can't win. I hardly leave my house, but I have made an effort to go to our group meetings even when I'm not feeling well, because the group leader said to come, even if I had to bring my barf bucket. It's obvious when I go to the bathroom to throw up, even though I try to walk around the long way so people don't notice. Sometimes I have to lay down on the couch on my husband's lap while we're having discussion, and I'm sure that I look like death sometimes. But I don't complain about it. Apparently my mere presence looking like death comes across as a complaint to her. I can't win.

Sometimes I just want to scream at people DO YOU REALIZE THAT THIS ISN'T MY FAULT? I'm truly not looking for sympathy, and in fact people who are overly sympathetic annoy me. But I hate it when I am blamed for "complaining" when all I am doing is EXISTING and struggling through this nasty illness doing the best that I can.

[hikerwife]

I know how you feel. I'm on another message board where there are a lot of women who have suffered losses and varying degrees of infertility. Mostly, it's just a massive board so there are all kinds of experiences on it. I feel for those women, I think it's awful that anyone has to go through that. What upsets me is that the prevailing attitude to everyone else is to shut up and be happy. They rant about how unfair it is to hear women complain about hyperemesis when they would be thrilled to have it, or complain about anything else for that matter. It is just appalling how there is a complete lack of empathy for people who suffer from other pregnancy complications. I just wish women were able to be more understanding that people face differant heartbreaks and difficulties.

[slterwil]

I've had fertility problems. This is my sixth pregnancy and I only have one living child. That said, I can speak as one who has said the party line of I'd be happy to suffer the side effects of pregnancy, but it was always more in response to someone who seemed totally put out and inconvenienced by what was really totally normal. This was was before I knew and experienced what HG is, but I'd like to think I'd have been sympathetic like I would with someone who has pre-E or HELLP...ya know.

It sucks that you have a disease caused by pregnancy...it's not just a side effect! It kills me HG is so under acknowledged and misunderstood. You're awesome for even attempting to be so understanding of your friend, but seriously, if she's putting stuff like that on a blog and she has an adopted child, this sounds like someone who is still in need of some counseling to deal with the fact that she can't physically give birth to a child. It's a very cold attitude to take. I wouldn't wish this "side effect" of pregnancy on my worst enemy.

We know you're for real and not looking for over the top sympathy. Recognition that you're actually sick with a disease no one who signs up for pregnancy bargains on would sure be nice though. It's the least any of us deserve. Your friend must be harboring some real bitterness. It's understandable. Infertility is painful...I went through a phase where I couldn't even hold other people's babies. It is rough. Hopefully she didn't mean you. Maybe someone at her job was complaining about vomiting once during their pregnancy or something and she was just venting like we do when we get crackered. It's funny though the things we kind of walk on eggs shells around.

[FinallyBlessed]

IMO, it doesn't sound like she's much of a "close" friend. If she was, she would be able to be more sympathetic to your situation as much as you are to hers. No matter what it is.

All my friends no that a child of my own is all I ever wanted. I myself, have had 4+ miscarriages all while having very fluffy pregnant friends who constantly complained to me even though I was suffering a loss. (2 of whom I am godmother to there boys and threw baby showers for) I didn't hold it against them that they were given a blessing, nor did I berate or belittle them for feeling ill when they did. A lesson in life I learned is that you have to accept others blessings before you'll realize and recieve your own. A "close" friend should be there to listen to your feelings and concerns about whatever it is you may be going thru despite their own situation.

If you can't honestly talk to her about your illness and how it makes you feel without her being offended, then you're not as close as you thought. Good luck with that.

[slterwil]

Davina, Well said! And I'm so very glad for you that this October will bring you your beautiful baby. After all of our losses, when my DD arrived, it was so exciting. I look at her right now and still can't believe somedays that she's real. We weren't in a position where we could adopt or foster because our schedules are so unconventional and our finances didn't have enough going on in them, so we knew that our only shot at parenthood within the next five years or so was if we could give birth to our own. Going through the losses definitely showed us how deep the desire within us went to be parents to any child.

To all, I reread what I posted and wanted to clarify one thing. I spent the years of infertility trying to hide my pain from both myself and others around me. I was really unemotional externally about it all. Some of the experiences were just too traumatizing to deal with (or so it felt) in an open way. When I couldn't hold another person's baby like my own dear niece it was because holding the little snuggle bugs brought to the surface everything I was trying to keep in and I was afraid that I would start crying and never stop. Especially because at that time I was confronting the EDD for one of my angels. It's so bittersweet the remembering. If there is one thing I love about this site, it's that the wisdom and experiences of all you ladies on here is finally helping me openly acknowledge some of this stuff. Thank you!

On a happy note, my DH came home yesterday all excited because they unveiled some new package at his work where it looks like they are going to be offering adoption assistance to employees. It was so great to see the wheels in his head turning about how our dream to have a larger family might still be realized.

[racheebabe]

I have been dealing with similar issues. One of my friends and neighbors had a second trimester miscarriage several months ago. She hasn't been supportive of my HG pregnancy. I can understand that. Unfortunately she has gone beyond just not being supportive to being outright hostile to me. I finally had to just tell her that I couldn't deal with her anymore and we would need to cease contact. I feel for women who have experienced losses or suffer from infertility. I truly do. I understand that they would do anything to be able to experience pregnancy. Guess what? Me too! I am on my second HG pregnancy. I knew what it was like the first time. I did it again. Why? Because I am willing to suffer a horrible, terrible, nasty disease in order to have another child. I am willing to risk my life and risk long term health effects. I am willing to risk sacrificing everything only to lose a baby. I just wish that those people would understand that we have more in common than they think.

[PrincessPinky]

When I got pregnant, it was after YEARS of being told I could NEVER have children. When the test read positive, I remember stopping and praying and saying, "Lord, I will go through ANYTHING if you just let me keep my baby." I was originally pregnant with twins. I lost one and was in danger of losing the other. I had no idea what I was asking for because, boy did he lay it on me! I had severe HG from about 3 weeks til about a month after birth! I couldn't even stand to eat or drink anything until she was about 3 weeks old!

All throughout my pregnancy, I had a "friend" who was constantly telling me to be happy. "It's a blessing." "A lot of women can't even get pregnant in order to FEEL a little morning sickness." "If you can't accept your blessing, maybe you won't get to keep it!" She used to think I was complaining as well because I would excuse myself from our group (we were co-workers and a bunch of us would eat lunch and go out to dinner after work together) to go to the bathroom. I don't remember saying, "Whoa is me!" I just said "Excuse me" and left.

I remember being jealous when I used to see pregnant women or hear some child call out, "Mommy." I remember wanting that so badly that when my cousin would tell me about her HG, I would silently think to myself, "It sounds rough, but I'll take it!" I do not, however, remember being insensitive! To tell a woman with HG who has already lost a child that their other child may not survive (which is unfortunately a very real possibility in our case) is just WRONG. I actually cried with my cousin when she had to terminate her pregnancy because she couldn't go through with the HG anymore. I had not yet experienced it, but I knew it had to be something devastating for a women to get rid of her child. I never blamed her or told her she was being weak. Even after I had the HG experience of my own (and am currently going through it again, no children indeed!), I can still understand why she did what she did and support her choice.

The worst part about HG, for me, isn't even the things I have to go through. It's going through all of this without anyone who understands you or believes it's real. To me, it's like telling a person going through chemo and radiation, "I have no sympathy for your complaints when you're still alive. Other people with cancer are already dead!"