wishing myself pregnant?

[saskHG#2]

I just want it, I want it so bad I think I'm willing my ovaries to produce or something. Maybe it's because I'm surrounded by birthing mommas in the doula world or actively pursuing midwifery.

At my doula client's hypnobirth class tonight I wet into a visualization for the support person and imagined myself pregnant! This isn't the first time it has happened in the visualizations, but I saw it, felt it, gawd I could even taste the tinny HG particles in my mouth. I felt bloated for a moment.

The past week I've had heart burn in the evenings - which I guess isn't uncommon for the run of the mill person. But my cycle has been all wacked out lately - coming/going every 14 days or so. Maybe I'm just ovulating a lot... eek.

Starting back to work on Monday, so possibly mourning the loss of the past year and a half of down time.

I just don't want to be finished with babies, dh is pounding down the doors of the nearest outpatient vasectomy or vehemently telling me he's through with crying fussy high needs babes... but I'm not finished, I feel so incomplete.

So I wonder if I'm still mourning the loss of two healthy and happy pregnancies, and now even more I think I'm mourning the loss of my dream home water birth.

So I must be a total sucker for punishment or something.

[Chelle]

[jackie]

[Beck]