Please help me

[MITZ787]

Hey,
I need someone to talk to, I'm so confused. I went though 3 miscarriages in 2004. I found our that I had a blood cot disorder. My amazing son (my miracle) was born in 2/2005. I had moderate HG that started at 8wk.
I was put on an IV pump with Zofran. But I made it and I was so happy. But then another miscarriage in 8/2005. In 10/2006 I found out I was pregnant again but this time I had Sever HG that started at 5 weeks. I was in the hospital for 1 1/2 hooked up to a Pic line with TPN. Able to come home in January with a
Home nurse (still had the TPN) I couldn't hold any fluids down. I lost my angel on Jan.25/07; they did some testing and found that that I was about to go into Liver failure. Nothing was wrong with my baby girl (no genetic disorder). It's now 8/8/2007 and I'm 8 weeks pregnant. I have started again with HG and was in the hospital last night. IN addition I have to take blood thinner shots when I'm pregnant.
I don't think I can do this again. My son who's 2 would look at me and scream this past Jan. when I had the Pic line. For the first time I feel like giving up. I almost died in the last pregnancy. My son needs his mother. I'm a Christian and this is so hard for me. I see my doctor on Monday.

[HGmomof4]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I know the feeling. I am also a christain and didn't think I could do this pregnancy. I still feel that way sometimes. I will pray for you to endure through this. Do you have help with your son? I am probably going to have care for my kids the rest of the pregnancy.

[MITZ787]

Thank you for talking to me. My son is in Day Care 3 days a week. I'm a Flight Attendant and have already gone on maternity leave. I keep thinking to be positive.
I want my son to have a brother or a sister. But I thank that maybe I should adopt

[Starfoot]

That all sounds like a whole lot to have on your plate at once, especially with the hormones and emotions of finding out you're newly pregnant. I don't really have any advice for you but I'm with you in spirit. If you're worried about your son, I have some of the same concerns with mine this time around. I know mine is a lot younger and not a toddler yet but I feel guilty knowing that my illness is not letting me be there for him 100%. But I think that if we make it till the end, he'll have a sibling for the rest of his life. I'm hoping your pregnancy will result in another miracle baby. But what I'm most concerned about is that you have all these problems on TOP of HG. (Blood clotting, etc.) I hope your doc sits down with you and takes his/her time discussing your options regarding all your options.

[carla]

First of all to you!

Everything you are dealing with is so difficult. There is so much anxiety and guilt and worry! It just doesn't seem fair. It is a very tough decision. Unfortunately it is going to be tough either road you should choose. If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me. I will be thinking of you!

[Cin]

Hello, and first off .

Second, as a fellow Christian, I urge you to consider every possible alternative before considering termination. Please know I am praying for you to the Lord Jesus right now, and will continue to pray for you and your baby. Also know that no matter what happens, we will not judge you here or condemn you. We love all our HG sisters and we understand.

Most of us find that a combination of medication helps much more than just one. Zofran plus one or more meds can be the difference between life and death for so many. If you check out the medication folder, you'll see lots of options.

Steroids have saved many, many women and babies lately. I urge you to consider this treatment with your doctor when you reach second trimester.

We are here to help you. I'm so glad you found us.

[Starfoot]

And I know it is THE ultimate cracker but every pregnancy IS different. I nearly died with my first pg and last time was definitely no picnic either. (Understatement.) This is my mildest pregnancy so far, and ironically, the one I'm getting the best care for. Maybe... **just maybe**... you will have a better time of it this time.

[Marie]

Huge to you. I am so sorry that you are suffering so. Please know that you are not alone in this. There are great women here that will be with you every step of the way for emotional strength.
I recommend looking in the grief folder as you consider your options. There are women there that can talk with you about their experiences post termination.

Here for you,
Hugs,
Marie

[Natalie]

Hi there

Welcome to the forums, congrats on your pgy. I am so sorry to read of your losses and your suffering with this pgy

You are 8w pg now, right? Can you say what meds you are currently on? What dosages and how often? How much does your Dr. know about treating HG?

Am I correct in thinking you have nobody to come and help you? Can you go and stay with anyone? Can you afford to up your son's childcare?

I consider these forums to have literally experts on HG. Women who have been here for years, hundreds of different ladies's experiences. Different ways of problems solving around HG management. Just hang in there for just a few more days, don't give up just yet and let's see what we can figure out together ok?

Love Natalie, x

[amos]

I'm in 2nd tri and just wanted to encourage you. We are also Christians, plain ones at that, and I know that is the only thing that kept me from terminating this PG when I was really sick, even though I wanted this baby so bad and spent months trying to get PG. I prayed to loose it and thought I was happy before, I had excepted we weren't going to have children... it was our last month trying.

I also have a clotting disorder that makes me high risk to loose the baby anytime in the PG especially after the 1st tri. We made the decision not to use the blood thinners, I couldn't stand giving myself the shots last time! Also, we wanted a "natural" PG. I've now given that up for the most part, Zofran is our best friend, but still off the blood thinners.

There are meds out there that can help and a good dr. will help you with home healthcare if you need it and/or hospital visits as needed. With your history have you considered a major medical university with specialists? When I was back east I did this, in the west it is too far, but if I develpe problems my family is ready to make the drive as often as we need to go over.

This is the worst part of things. If you can get into your 2nd trimester it will let up some with good management. It probably wont be easy still, but the darkest days will have passed. Feel free to email me if you want to talk... All I do is sit here waiting for d-day for the most part.

"I can do all things through Chist which strengthens me"
amos1984@hotmail.com

[Ben's Mom]

I'm so sorry your are dealing with this. First... about your DS... I've read posts from people who talk about how scared they were that their kids would be tramatized, but it all worked out in the end. I'm desperately holding on to those words, so I'll see if I can find some of the more inspiring ones for you.

As far as termination... I think a lot of people have thought about it... For me, it's really overwhelming trying to think about getting to my due date. March feels like a long way off. I break it up into small chunks now. If I'm feeling OK (you know... HG OK, not OK OK) then I just try to make it to the end of the day, or to my DS' bedtime or something like that. When I'm feeling really, really bad I try to make it through the next 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. I say I take it day to day, but sometimes it's minute to minute. Someone else suggested looking in the grief folder, and I think that's a great idea.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there!!

[blessedw4]

Hi. First of all congratulations on your pregnancy. Second of all yes you can do this one day at a time. All of us are here to support you step by step moment by moment.

I too have blood clotting disorders. I have Factor V Leiden, along with APS. I would love to talk with you personally about this so I am going to send you a PM.

Please hang in there. You can do this. I will be sending you extra prayers tonight.

Big

Marti

[aaronsmommy]

I'm sorry. I know I would be where you are right now if I ever got pg again, just the thought of it is terrifying.

With my son I had liver problems from the TPN too, and my doctor talked to me about termination. I couldn't do it (but he was my first, so a totally different decision than what it would be now) and we actually figured out a formula with the TPN that worked and my liver got better. The rest of the pregnancy was no picnic, that's for sure, but we made it. If I got pg again I would get a gtube (a tube that goes though your belly in to your intestines for feeding). If you haven't tired it, a lot of people do well with an NG or NJ tube (a tube that goes from your nose to your intestines).

I wish you peace with whatever you decide to do.

[jmwmommysings3]

Congratulations on your pregnancy though I understand your mixed feelings about a positive test result.

Like many of the other ladies here I wanted to let you know you're not alone. With my last pg I also had liver failure, kidney failure, and my heart condition got much worse. After having been in the hospital with all kinds of tubes for weeks on end the doctors talked with me about termination- I couldn't do it but the truth is, I wanted to. It was one of the hardest times of my life. We made it through with lots of meds and lots of tweaking and I even went on to have a planned home birth at the end, much to everyone's surprise. I was worried about my other children as well and hated that they spent their days hanging out with me in the bathroom making sympathy retching sounds. It helped when friends started helping out with them and even though the pg hurt my relationship with them for a time it completely recovered shortly after the baby was born. This time around they are older (4, 6, and and have been wonderful helpers and can entertain themselves. Their excitement about the baby helps them deal with me not being well.

I will be praying for you, whatever you end up deciding, you will not be judged here.

Peace,

Jessica

Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

[MITZ787]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I had to get off yesterday the nausea was getting heavy. My husband is really worried about me. And asked if he wanted me to put the choice in his hands. What do I do ? I prayed and prayed....I know alot of you have come close to death too. Now, I have to thank about my son. With my Prothrombin Gene mutation and 2 copies of MTHFR A. I take the lovenox. My father's heart exploded 4 years and that is how we found out about my blood clotting disorder.

I keep asking myself if I'm being selfish and thinking only of this precious gift in my stomach. Or if I should think of my son and know that I can love a child that is not mine biological, so i could adopt.

If this was my first child it would never enter my mind.

I promised my husband and mother and myself that i would not go though the TPN again.

[sarahkate]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so awful. And I'm so sorry to hear of the very difficult place you are in just now with so much to think about and consider.

There are two things I think are really important before you make this decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life. The first is to be well hydrated. You can't think straight if you are so dry your brain doesn't work. The second is if you are depressed treat it. Try a short trial of antidepressants. And then decide.

Has your doctor suggested that medically you should terminate? Does your doctor have a plan for if things are as awful as last time? Have you seen them and can you, or your DH if you can't because you are so sick, ask about this?

None of us know how it is to walk in your shoes, with such a painful history and such a complicated difficult situation. But know we will be here whether you continue this pregnancy or not, to do what we can.

lots of love,
Sarah xx

[Cin]

Please look into the new medications and treatments before making a decision. Many women here kick themselves after a termination if they didn't have all the facts before -- and no HGer should have to deal with that on top of everything else.

As for your son -- you are thinking about him if you fight for his sibling.

Still praying for you.

[jmwmommysings3]

You are so brave and strong, I know it's hard to even think about these things.

One thing I left out of my previous post is that this time has been very different. Yes, I've been sick, yes I've had tons of meds, and yes, I've been in the hospital and have a line in my arm all the time. BUT, I haven't needed TPN and I'm already doing so much better than I ever was in any of my previous pgs. I just share that to let you know that it can be different and early and aggresive care often makes a huge difference. Talk with your dr. and DH, explore and exhaust every possible avenue if you can before you put yourself in the position to make the decision to terminate. It really sounds like you're very torn up over even considering it so try every other possibility first.

And Sarah Kate is right, dehydration and depression are not the place to make this kind of decision so talk with your dr. about getting those in line first.

Peace,

Jessica

[IslandDreamer]

I'm so sorry for your losses, that you are so sick, that you miss your son so much.

Like Sarah says, be sure to be hydrated when making any decision. And I encourage you to try everything you can before hand...anti depressants may help (Prozac actually helped my depression and to control the HG in my last pg), steroids.

You sound very much like you want another child, so I say don't give up hope until all hope is gone. Termination is an option many face and some cannot avoid, and we understand that here and do not judge. But having co-moderated the the grief board for 2 + years, I can say that I've learned the longing for a lost child is no different between m/c and termination, but I have often seen a lot of other types of pain in post termination moms that doesn't follow moms with fetal demises for other reasons. Not that any kind of loss is harder or easier but that they are different.

With your son, it will be tough on you and him, I won't lie. But he won't remember. I know this because I have an 8 yo with a GIANT memory, and he doesn't remember my HG in 2004...he doesn't...I recently asked leading questions and he does not recall me being sick at all, not even all the tears when Hope died. He just doesn't remember. So I say with some confidence that your sweet son will not remember...but that doesn't help much now, does it. I'm so sorry.

Please PM me if I can do anything. I'll listen, share what I know, and listen some more. I never ever want to see another woman have to grieve another child, but if that should happen for you or anyone else, I am there to sit in the pit with you.

Love,
Suzanne

[Natalie]

Hi there,

Just wondering how you're getting along today? Have you kept any food or fluid down?

Thinking of you

Love Natalie, x