Needing Advice On Helping My Best Friend With Hyperemesis

[Tenbatsu]

Hi everyone! First of all I'd like to express my huge admiration for all you mothers out there who are suffering with HG and for those who have had it. Your bravery and courage is inspiring!

I currently am at a loss as to what to do for my friend. She hasn't been able to keep any food down, or water, and she's been admitted to hospital several times already. She's still in her first trimester. I've read up on HG as much as I can to understand the condition and have also seen another friend go through it.
Her problem is this...her mother in law is being incredibly difficult. She keeps saying things like "you'll be fine after 12 weeks" or "it's only morning sickness." Another comment was "you'll want another child, I know you will." Er hello!!! She's vomiting all day everyday and can barely stand! Why on earth would she even be thinking about having another child?! Of course she'd be thrilled if it was just morning sickness, but that is not the case! As you all know. It's certainly not going to vanish after 12 weeks!
I find this infuriating so I can only imagine how she must be feeling...given that I've never had HG myself.
Instead of her partner sticking up for her...he's having a go at her for being annoyed with his mum. She has every right to be! She's making insensitive comments about something she knows nothing about!
My friend has tried to explain to her but she clearly doesn't grasp the seriousness of it.
I haven't experienced it myself but at least I have read into it as much as I can.
I'm printing some information to hand over to them in the hope that it will get through.
I'm finding it hard not to get angry when her partner is being this way. It's not helpful to her and she shouldn't be alone in this. I don't know what to do!
I'm just hoping that the information I provide will be enough but if not, I'm out of ideas.
I just feel so helpless. I want more than anything to be able to take her sickness away. I just want her to be able to enjoy her pregnancy and this horrid condition has robbed her of that experience.
If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated.
Thank you

[eliana1300]

You are doing what you can for her, trying to help educate those that want to remain blind to how devastating HG can be. The best thing you can do for her is continue to help her, continue to advocate for her, and continue to support her and encourage her. I was blessed with a husband that tried to understand (even though he argued that I needed to eat) and a MIL that ran me to the hospital every time I needed to go. Although she has negative people around her, that doesn't cancel out all the positive you can be for her.

And you are quite right, it won't go away at 12 weeks, 14 weeks, or any number of weeks (except the end of the pg). A lot of women here, though, do get some mild relief around 20 weeks. It doesn't mean they don't feel absolutely horrible and miserable, but many start to feel like they can manage moving a bit more and don't need hospital visits nearly as much. Hopefully, your friend will be one of the few that has a miraculous recovery at 20 weeks!

[Tenbatsu]

Thank you eliana1300 for your reply!

I just wish I could do more for her. It's awful to see her go through this and other people's ignorance just adds to her distress.
I don't understand why people can't do what I have done and look into it properly. It's so frustrating!
I've told her that she's more than welcome to come to my house when she needs a change of scenery and that my husband will pick her up.
I said that if she needs any household duties doing to give her partner a break, I am more than happy to do it.
He's a nice guy...he just doesn't seem to grasp how awful HG is and neither does his mother.
I am hoping that the advice and personal stories I provide will help them to understand and make them show more compassion towards her.
His mother seems convinced that it's just morning sickness and is being a bit of a 'know it all'.
I hate feeling so useless and wish I could just hug her and make it all go away. I know this is not about me but I can't help feeling this way.
I just hope that what I'm doing is enough.

XxX

[eliana1300]

You are not being useless! I wish I had a safe place to go when my house got stiffling. I had my MIL come to help with housework, but even still it was a lot for my husband to take on. So that offer alone is a help. I am sure your friend doesn't want to impose on you in any way, plus I know I just felt horrible whenever I left the house. It could have taken 2 days to catch up with me, but even into the 3rd trimester, it was physically and emotionally draining. If she can talk on the phone, have a particular time that you always talk, say, every few days. If she can only watch TV or read magazines, give her some magazines from the grocery (even the boring, tabloid ones were good for a laugh when I was HGing) or some good TV shows to start watching. You could even bring over whatever craving she is having or whatever safe food she has at the moment for a TV/movie night. No obligations, just a pause button whenever she needs to be sick. No talking required, just company.

I can only imagine what it is like to watch someone go through HG. It isn't fun to live, but the supporting people also need help. Just being as involved as you are in a huge step toward combating the negativity she gets from others. My husband really tried to understand how sick I was, but couldn't really grasp it until I showed him this website. That was the first time he understood that I was fighting every day for survival, and food was not the way I was going to survive. (I think that is also when he got really mad with my OB, but that's another story! )

[Arias]

I think you are being an amazing friend just by trying to understand this illness and trying to be supportive. I wish my friends tried to help me when I was sick. They were all busy enjoying their lives and couldn't bother to visit or call.

Keep advocating for your friend. Maybe even take her to one of her doctor's appointments and let her doc know how sick she is, since it is so hard to advocate for ourselves when we are delirious from dehydration etc...

[Cin]

I had one friend like you during my HG, and she was a godsend.

Bless you for helping your friend.

You've been given lots of great advice. Keep on keeping on.

[Tenbatsu]

Unfortunately I am very sad to announce that my Godson is not going to make it.

He has had excess fluid for a while now and the recent scan has shown that his chest is not developing and he won't live for much longer.
My friend is now booked in for a termination, as it would be unfair to continue with the pregnancy when the baby is not growing as it should.
Thanks for all your help and advice on HG. I just hope that her next pregnancy has a positive outcome.

XxX