Is there no end?

A place where partners, fathers, friends, and family members can discuss experiences and difficulties regarding loved ones' Hyperemesis.

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Is there no end?

Postby tguild » Nov 28, 2005 11:05 pm

I have known my finance a total of 5 1/2 months and she has been pregnant with HG for 14 weeks. We had made plans to sell our houses, move in together and get married. It seemed so simple! HG has put everthing upside down. She lives 2 to 3 hrs away and I have my own hands on business. When she decides she's upset with me(which is most of the time); she will not call or reply to my emails, tell me how sick she is and how terrible of a job I'm doing taking care of her(this stresses me out incredibly).
Unfortunately, we did not have the time to put the proper foundations(home, family, marrige), in place which just adds more stress to an already impossible situation. At the moment she insists at staying at her home and refuses to move-in with me where I can be closeby and take care of her.
I must admit I was a DH, after getting ill advised advice from friends who were dad's and mom's, of course they were not aware of HG and said it was all in her imagination. Not Good! Thanks to this website I am no longer a DH, however, I not a 100% sure my finance will forgive me, she has a very hard head, a quality which I could do without, not forgetting her abundace of marvelous qualities which made our relationship move soo quickly.
All this to say,I do not know the best way to proceed, for the moment I'm giving her, her space. I call and email and tell her I love her everyday as many times as I can. Will we get through this and have the baby, house and happy marriage we were soo excited for?

Thank you for reading,
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Postby Gail » Nov 29, 2005 9:40 am

I think your one step closer to getting back on track by coming here and finding out as much nfo as you can. Have you referred your fiance to this site as well?
You said she wouldn't move in with you, so why not go to her. Sometimes it was nice just to know my husband was there. (I didn't want to talk or be touched or bothered, but just knowing he was close by helped)
Be patient and let her know you care and your there for her. And I hope you get the happy ending that you both were looking forward to!!
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Postby Atsie » Nov 29, 2005 12:09 pm

I am sorry you two are going through this.
My husband and I live together and there were days I did exactly what she is doing! :oops: I found it hard to deal with HG and some days I really needed it to be DH's fault. I would say don't give up. At some point this will ease up, with meds, time or birth so there is an end in site. I can't speak for her, but I know I felt, scared and needy. Man did I hate that! In my entire relationship with DH I was the one that made the most money. It was always me until I got sick. Then I had to rely on him, it took some getting used to. It took awhile for me to accept the way I was feeling.
When people comment that HG is all in your head, it hurts. DH never came out and said, but I know in the first week or so, he thought it. Afterall how many million women are pg at any given time and I am the first he met with this??? That was very hard to take. On top of being sick he thought it was in my head. It took hard work on his part before I did forgive him. Don't give up, support her now, and do whatever you can. You can't take it back but you can do your best to make it better. Coming here and finding out all you can is a start. Be there for her and advocate for her.
Good Luck!
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Postby teddi » Nov 29, 2005 1:53 pm

I agree with Gail. I think you need to go to her if AT ALL POSSIBLE. And if it isn't possible, maybe you can think of a way to make it so.

I went thru some similar instances in both my pregnancies. My first, ds, was not planned. My dh and & were quite serious, already talked marriage, etc, but weren't "officially" engaged, and honestly, he was 20 and I was 22. Then I was pregnant, and then I was very sick. And I was still living at home at the time. So was he. He moved in- or rather- stayed over all the time w/me at my parents home, while working full time. Then he proposed and we got married.

I made what I consider a mistake in that I actually had a wedding when I was 6 months pregnant- in a church, the whole bit. Too much stress, I should have eloped. Or gone to a justice of the peace and then planned a wedding after the baby was born.

During my 2nd pregnancy, me and ds moved back home with my parents, because my DH was working extreme OT (80+ hours a week). It was terrible. He was still "living" at home- in a town about 35 mins away. I had to fight to get him to come and stay night with me, or stop by and "visit" me.

If you are not there for her- physically, in person, with her at Dr appts and there in her dark hours, this resentment could tear your relationship apart. It always takes a toll- ask all the women here.

This is all so stressful for the both of you. Marriage, moving, buying homes, etc, WHILE pregnant with HG. Been there done that. Learned that if there's a 3rd time- NO MAJOR LIFE CHANGES! Talk to her and ASK her what she needs of you. Tell her you are willing to do what's necessary.

Send her flowers - or a Teddy bear (if smells bother her)- go thru hoops to let her know YOU ARE SORRY you said it was in her head. And then, send her here to these forums, so she knows she's not alone.

And yes, be patient. Focus first on her and baby's health. Try and stay strong- and look for support for you too, if you need it.
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Chloe & Kaylie, 12/2004 HG #2, wk 7 - birth, pre-E/pancreatitis
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Postby PamelaRose » Nov 29, 2005 3:57 pm

Going off of Teddi's idea of a teddy bear or some little token of support and love--a baby sleeper or something like that. One of the sweetest things my husband did to show support for me and trust in my ability to do it was to bring home one of those "Baby's First Year" childcare books when I was first pregnant (already had the standard "What to Expect"). That, and the outfit he picked out all by himself for each of our babies. Those gestures were very important to me, and they outweigh all the sad, alone memories of pregnancy. Little things make a big difference. Good luck!

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Sorry... the other half of the story

Postby HopelesslyHG » Dec 03, 2005 2:14 pm

Hi Everyone... that is my ex-SO who has posted this and actually had the nerve to link me to it! I cannot tell you how embarrassed, hurt, betrayed I feel. Obviously there are two sides to every story and what is missing from his little pity-party is the following information (I will quote it directly from my e-mailed reply to him):

"Thanks for trying to make me look like a monster is all I can say. How convenient to neglect to say that moving would not resolve any financial issues; that I would not have access to the same level of healthcare, that the only so-called "support" I would have would be from your "friends" who started out by giving you the crappy advice in the first place and who, according to you (yesterday) still don't "get it". You neglected to mention that I would be a 2-3 hr car ride away from my two kids (ages 8 and 9), my mother, my sister and all my friends who do "get it"! Away from my doctor who is concerned enough to call daily. That the services you propose are limited in English, so I would be treated in my second language. That you still do not get that I don't want to be hugged, especially when you are wearing cologne and a new leather jacket..."

To give you a brief summary that was also neglected is that I am 14 wks, and still losing 4-5 pounds a week. I am maxed out on meds up to and including Zofran. I cannot even keep a slice of toast down and by mouth I am lucky to get 125 ml of fluids a day.

My medication deductible (my out-of-pocket) will add up to about 500$ this month and about another 500$ for nutritional supplements (not that I keep them down). I have been off work for 2 months and my short-term disability has not come through so I am living off my savings (and supporting 2 kids...) and by the end of this week, after paying all my bills I will have exactly 80$ left to my name. All this and not a dime of support from the ex-SO!

And, as recent as 2 hrs ago this ex-SO once again commented that HG is mostly psychological in nature.

So, this will likely be my first, last and only post to the forums because I can no longer afford internet.

Hopelessly HG
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Postby BrandiJK » Dec 03, 2005 2:43 pm

Personally, I don't really care about your relationship at this moment in time. What I do care about is YOU! It sounds like you are having a pretty hard time of it, and really, people here do 'get it'. If you can, while you still have internet, see if you can get a buddy, k? At least so you have some additional support off line.

I am very happy you are surrounded by people who are willing to help out, as I believe that is one of the most important gifts any HGer can recieve. And what a gift of a doc!!! Checking on you every day, and sounds like doc is fully supportive of aggressive treatment, a certain bonus!!

Please know, we really don't judge you, no one thinks you are a monster...nothing like that at all. The thing we care about is supporting any who need support, he posted, he was responded to. You posted, your responded to. I have enough on my plate to say honestly, outside of giving you support, it ain't none of my bees-wax and I don't want it to be. I am happy to hold hands during difficult times, and I am happy to vent and be vented to. But I don't want to be personally involved and in the middle, so I won't be. Ya know?

Return if you can and want, and get additional support here. There are lots and lots of wonderful women who know every lick of what your going through (pregnancy and beyond), not to mention the valuable information this site possesses. I hope your finances can get in order, that is one many of us know ALL to well.

In the mean time, take care. You will be in my thoughts. Blessings on you and your family who is care taking you. One day, one moment at a time. Take all the love and help you can get, and I hope (very much) things start to even out for you, and you get some relief. Don't know how much you looked around, but many do start to feel things ease up somewhere between 20-25 weeks.
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.
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Postby tguild » Feb 10, 2006 11:44 pm

No Ex so far - perhaps a whole lot of effort and communication. 25 weeks to date and Mom is surviving. Dammned hardest thing to keep you head right. HG is overwhelming, the changes which occurr are brutal. No one's fault, but you sure would like to blame it on someone. I'm anxiously awaiting to hold the little guy in my arms.
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