Need some insight and comfort

A place where partners, fathers, friends, and family members can discuss experiences and difficulties regarding loved ones' Hyperemesis.

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Need some insight and comfort

Postby HurtingDad » Nov 17, 2005 5:59 am

On some other boards people suggested I post here so here goes -

I've been with my fiancee for almost 2 years. She stepped into my life when I was going through a divorce and helped me out with my 3 children and became a real mother to them. We had a great relationship and it seemed like a match made in heaven. We had little fights like every couple but we could always work things out. We were both living with my parents. Back in January she wanted me to quit my job and stay at home with the kids and go back to college. This is something we both agreed on and she was happy to be supporting us. In June we found out we were pregnant and things were great, a month later she miscarried the baby. I felt horrible because the night it happened I was asleep and she woke me up to tell me she was going to the ER, she told me not to worry and go back to bed. 6 hours later she wakes me up and tells me that she miscarried and felt the baby come out. She fell in my arms and I felt horrible I hadn't been there. She forgave me but sometimes I feel I made a horrible mistake not being there for her.

We had a talk about the situation and I told her if she wanted a baby we would make it work. In August we had a huge fight and worked things out, this was the first time we really fought. We patched things up and things were great again. Two weeks later we found we were pregnant again. We were both happy. Then things started getting rough we started having little fights every day, then she didn't want to have sex and then no touching. I tried my best to understand but it was hard. It was like she was a different person. Then it happened, she moved back with her mom who lives close by. First for a few days, then she came back, a month ago she moved out again. It's weird to say moved out because she only really took herself not her possesions.

Well we finally did get to talk and she told me she wanted her own place, so I told her I would make it happen. During this period I felt my world was completly turned upside down. I tried not to cry in front of her but I did many times and she got mad at me for it. I didn't know what was going on. Then I looked at one of the hospital papers (she's been in 3 times) and saw the words for his condition - Hypermesis Gravidarum. Since then I've been reading and researching all I can. Things are starting to make sense but I'm scared. She has told me and opened up to me more and told me she doesn't want me to leave and still loves me. But there are times she doesn't even call me to let me know what's going on. I go with her to every appointment and I spent 2 days in the hospital with her where we had some really good talks.

I don't know what to do, this has turned my whole life around. I have trouble concentrating in school and I feel the pressure of making everything work. Just so you know I did find work and I'm working right now and I actually have 3 jobs lined up and I found a place to live for us.

I guess why I'm posting is that I need to know if things are going to work out. I have a big fear that even if I come through with all she wants it won't be good enough. I deeply love this woman and would do anything for her, and I have. I've read that HG puts a big strain on relationships and I sometimes sit at home and worry I won't get her back. There have been very hard nights for me being alone and I've had my share of problems with eating and sleeping.

I really want this baby born in a house that both of us live together in and I want to support my family in a bigger way then ever before. I keep living for the vision I have in my mind that she will give birth to our child and I'll be there and we'll embrace each other and our child, then take it to our own home together. I just need some hope right now that things will work out.

And honestly how do I deal with what's goin on now? I found out it's just not me she's being mean to, she lashed out at a nurse in the hospital after I left and she's not talking to anyone, even her mom. She talks to me more then anyone else and I find that to be good news but there are times she doesn't even call or let me know what's going on. It worrys me.

Any advice would be appreciated. I don't want my kids to lose another mother.
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Postby caty » Nov 17, 2005 2:44 pm

Being pg in and of itself is scary...having miscarried must just multipy that, and I know HG multipys it. All I can suggest is that maybe she see a professional. There are psychologists that specialize in anxiety/stress management, and that may be a big problem here. There is so much internal conflict with an HG pgcy. I went through spells where I was sure my baby was going to die and it was going to be all my fault for not eating. There were days when I didn't really want to die, but I didn't think I could go on anymore. My husband and I had a huge fight at one point because he ws afraid I resented the baby. Every time I saw the nutritionist at the WIC office I came home and cried for hours. I felt guilty because I wasn't taking care of my family properly. My dr put me on Prozac for a while, and that really helped. Maybe this website could benefit your wife too. Good luck and prayers for the both of you. PM me if you need to.


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Postby BrandiJK » Nov 17, 2005 4:19 pm

It sounds like lots of issues, and it is hard to help with out hearing what's happening with her from her. It is stress filled, and she may need some additional help.

Have you said these things to her? Maybe suggest this site?
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.
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Postby teddi » Nov 29, 2005 1:35 pm

Late in replying, but yes, it's tons of stress. She may be terribly scared- is this her first HG pregnancy? It's terrifying the first time, sometimes you really think you're going to die, or lose the baby (and coming from just having had a miscarriage, that can be a tremendous worry).

I would like to add that there are possible medications that cause side effects- is she taking Reglan? Or Steroids? Those are two that come to mind that can cause behavioral changes.

Sometimes, and while it's not your fault- women CAN feel resentful towards the "impregnator" WHILE they are suffering. For many of us- touching- it's just too much stimulus and it truly is irritating, not comforting.

What you can do is ask her about smells- do you need to bath/shower before every visit? NOT use shampoo (or use unscented), soap, deoderant, etc?

I hope you two work things out. I suggest that you share HOW you feel with her, but, while it isn't fair to you (as you have lost a support person in her for the time being)- try NOT to unload your stresses about work, money, support. I'm sure it isn't easy.

I commend you for coming here and all the other actions IRL you've taken. Print out your post, someday show it to her, just continuing ask what you CAN do. Keep an eye on her physically- read and research HG to keep abreast of how she's doing. (which it sounds like you are doing already), and let her know you love her and WANT her in your life and the baby too.
Bert , 3/2000 HG#1, wk 6 - birth, GB removed @ 16wks
Chloe & Kaylie, 12/2004 HG #2, wk 7 - birth, pre-E/pancreatitis
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Postby Summer » Jan 12, 2007 12:38 am

I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I think that your girlfriend needs to talk to a professional. Losing a baby is devastating. She hasn't had much time to grieve and now she is pregnant with HG. It sounds like she is very angry with you for not going to the hospital with her. She is angry over the loss and is directing it towards you. (Remember, she is pregnant and her hormones are out of wack). You might want to join her in a therapy sesssion. Good Luck!!
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