My Night of Bad Memories

[BrandiJK]

Ok, I have to preface this by saying that Dh did not do anything wrong last night. He was formally voted into the sportmens yacht club he's been trying to join, and it was a night of celebration. He did very, very well. At the end of the night, he called to check on me (very sober), and then asked (yes, asked) if he could have a few beers. It was a huge night for him, and I knew I would not be going into labor, so I said yes. And so he celebrated. He didn't get all drunk like a skunk or anything, but he did drink and it did effect him. He kept a level of control, and he did it all checking in with me first, and was honest about it.
So...he didn't do anything wrong. That said....

He came home, pretty buzzed. A bit more then I would have liked, but I know he was nervous as all get out and probably drank with out eating much. It wasn't bad. He got home and started to tell me about his night, while I was sound asleep and zonked out in bed. (Beer makes him forget other people are sleeping) but I was too tired to even take much notice. He came to bed, and was sober enough to not 'try' for anything, if you know what I mean. Good thinking of his part.
I remember rolling over thinking that I wished he would have showered, but that thought was tired and blurred and passed quickly into dreams.
I awoke to pee a bit later, and thought the room stank a bit. I remembered he was drinking beer, and was tired enough to ignore the beer smell and go back to sleep. I did notice I he was snoring, and had to work to gethim to roll over. Another sign of beer. It stang some, buit not enough to keep me awake.
But the next time I woke up, I went into a tail spin. I got up, went pee, walked back into the room....and it was like walking into a wall of early HG days. The smell, it was "that" smell. The one that kept me up night after night, that kept me away from him, that sent me sleeping on an airmattress in front of the open door to make it stop, smell. I even got out the old Oust can and sprayed it. I opened the window, but now days I am too big to sleep on the old broken couch, air mattress is put away, and I could not even roll away from him because I can only sleep on my left side or suffer severe heart burn.
Oh my, it brought back so many awful memories, I laid there and cried a bit. I did get out to the couch for a while, but went back to bed to sleep once the open window had aired it out.
I just remembered, or rather was slammed with, all those days and all those nights when he was lieing to me and getting drunk, while I was sick and miserable at home and had to have other people come and take care of me. And getting told how I couldn't do anything, and getting yelled at/ I felt worthless and unlovable all over again, I felt that fear of getting sick, and the hopeless alone feeling. It was so hard to not wake up hating him all over again.
Now, he's worked really hard to improve, but that whole ordeal will stick between us for a long, long, long time. I can't believe how alone and hurt that one smell made me feel. I wonder if I'll feel that every time I smell old beer? I wonder if just the memory of that smell will always drive me to work as hard as I know I push myself, to always feel good and useful to have around. I wonder if I will always, always, always fear getting sick again, simply because I don't want to be left alone with it again. I wonder if I will always feel like I am not good enough to be cared for.

Anyway....I awoke better. But wow...it was like the first tri. It just was so strange, surreal, and sucky.
And once again, truly thankful for this site. There is proof of compassion right here.

[IslandDreamer]

Oh, sweetie. Flashbacks suck. I'm so sorry.

For me, even a certain tone in dh's voice, and I go back to the early, bad days of my pg with Hope when he didn't "get" HG and thought I was being dramatic. I'm so so sorry you felt that last night.

Love,
Suzanne

[BrandiJK]

Thank you, I guess that was my first flash back! Wow...what a joyful thing to look forward to!!


LOL On another note, I was cutting lemons today, and suddenly I could taste tequila!

This pg is doing strange things to my mind. Hope she's born soon!!

[teddi]

There are so many hurts I still carry from both my pregnancies. I needed two people the most: my DH and my mom. And both of them just left me in the lurch in many, many ways. Verbal abuse, outright uncompassion in my darkest moments, or complete obliviousness at the worst times. Or yeah, me being criticized for not being able to : plan my wedding and make all the arrangements, move and buy a new house, take care of my son properly, and "clean up" after myself/son.

Yeah, abandonement BIG time. Like being unable to count on someone (the people who you should be able to count on the most) at the times you need them the most.

It hurts so bad. And like you experience, it has lingered with me for so long. And I thought I've told DH how hurt I am by his actions (and inactions) during my pregnancies (and he was *better* the last half of my last pregnancy), I still don't think he really has an inkling how much good it would have done our marriage it he had *really* stepped up and been a man, or however you might say it. And I don't think he or my mom understand how deep that hurt goes from being alone.

It really did leave me feeling exactly the same- so worthless than I wasn't even worth enough to be cared for. I can't say I have any advice, only understanding. The marriage has moved forward and all, and I don't focus on those memories (and god knows, if they come up, I'm of course "unforgiving"). Even my relationship w/my mom, I just try to move forward, but there will be times when THOSE memories pop up in my mind.

Really leaves me scared of being ill again- like cancer or something.
And then when he gets sick... i get tempted to just say "oh well, you're turn!" More than once I've said "imagine feeling like that for almost 9 full months!"

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Oh my dear, it sounds like some powerful triggers of bad memories. John and I had a hugely painful episode a few years ago that led to a temporary break-up, and it took a lot of therapy and soul-searching on both our parts to move to a place where those triggers no longer are so gut wrenching, though they still hurt somewhat in my most vulnerable times.
Our fall-out centered around his not accepting me the way I was physically (I had an operation that caused damage that affected him), and he wanted me back, married me, concieved a child with me and then was there with the pg. I still have anger though, or a deep pain, because it cut so deeply. He was able to be there for me for the hg, so that actually has helped a lot bec. it helped heal the old pain of his not accepting my physical flaws.
My therapist feels that it is extremely important to resolve, truly resolve, issues that have not been truly processed, that both sides haven't really HEARD one another on, to be able to truly connect and move forward. Of course forgiveness comes into the picture at some point, but only after things have been processed in as satisfying a way as possible. But most men aren't good at that, and close up and get angry and defensive when we try to bring things up now, don't they I've been lucky in that John's one of the rare men that was willing to go to long-term therapy to work things out in himself and for us a couple. It helped a lot, but man are those triggers painful!

Huge hugs!!

Sarah