Ok, I have to preface this by saying that Dh did not do anything wrong last night. He was formally voted into the sportmens yacht club he's been trying to join, and it was a night of celebration. He did very, very well. At the end of the night, he called to check on me (very sober), and then asked (yes, asked) if he could have a few beers. It was a huge night for him, and I knew I would not be going into labor, so I said yes. And so he celebrated. He didn't get all drunk like a skunk or anything, but he did drink and it did effect him. He kept a level of control, and he did it all checking in with me first, and was honest about it.
So...he didn't do anything wrong. That said....
He came home, pretty buzzed. A bit more then I would have liked, but I know he was nervous as all get out and probably drank with out eating much. It wasn't bad. He got home and started to tell me about his night, while I was sound asleep and zonked out in bed. (Beer makes him forget other people are sleeping) but I was too tired to even take much notice. He came to bed, and was sober enough to not 'try' for anything, if you know what I mean. Good thinking of his part.
I remember rolling over thinking that I wished he would have showered, but that thought was tired and blurred and passed quickly into dreams.
I awoke to pee a bit later, and thought the room stank a bit. I remembered he was drinking beer, and was tired enough to ignore the beer smell and go back to sleep. I did notice I he was snoring, and had to work to gethim to roll over. Another sign of beer. It stang some, buit not enough to keep me awake.
But the next time I woke up, I went into a tail spin. I got up, went pee, walked back into the room....and it was like walking into a wall of early HG days. The smell, it was "that" smell. The one that kept me up night after night, that kept me away from him, that sent me sleeping on an airmattress in front of the open door to make it stop, smell. I even got out the old Oust can and sprayed it. I opened the window, but now days I am too big to sleep on the old broken couch, air mattress is put away, and I could not even roll away from him because I can only sleep on my left side or suffer severe heart burn.
Oh my, it brought back so many awful memories, I laid there and cried a bit. I did get out to the couch for a while, but went back to bed to sleep once the open window had aired it out.
I just remembered, or rather was slammed with, all those days and all those nights when he was lieing to me and getting drunk, while I was sick and miserable at home and had to have other people come and take care of me. And getting told how I couldn't do anything, and getting yelled at/ I felt worthless and unlovable all over again, I felt that fear of getting sick, and the hopeless alone feeling. It was so hard to not wake up hating him all over again.
Now, he's worked really hard to improve, but that whole ordeal will stick between us for a long, long, long time. I can't believe how alone and hurt that one smell made me feel. I wonder if I'll feel that every time I smell old beer? I wonder if just the memory of that smell will always drive me to work as hard as I know I push myself, to always feel good and useful to have around. I wonder if I will always, always, always fear getting sick again, simply because I don't want to be left alone with it again. I wonder if I will always feel like I am not good enough to be cared for.
Anyway....I awoke better. But wow...it was like the first tri. It just was so strange, surreal, and sucky.
And once again, truly thankful for this site. There is proof of compassion right here.