Withering & Withdrawing...

[Gracie]

I guess it is just a side-effect of everything that is going on, but I really do, for a lack of a better term feel like I am withering and withdrawing from the world... If I could crawl under my bed and stay there until this is all over I would.

Even on good days, I no longer feel like calling up people and actually speaking to them on the phone or seeing anyone. My life has been reduced to my kids, this forum, e-mail and the hospital...

I'm not sure if it is an actual depression coming on, because I can be having a blast with the kids, feeling pretty good, looking forward to the baby, and still not really want to see or talk to anyone else. I'm wondering if it is, like so many of you have experienced, the fact that I feel let-down or abandoned by so many people in my life that I just cannot bear to "face" them because I am really at my limit for coping with all the abandonment and finding it really hard to trust people...

Brandi was asking something similar in another post; How do you "get over" all the feelings of abandonment and being let-down or judged by those around you? Where do you draw the strength and courage from, while also recovering (or still suffering from) HG and coping with a new baby, to try to rebuild the trust you used to have in people? Believe it or not, I am seriously thinking of selling the house, moving 3000km away and just starting over... figuring that if I have to rebuild all these relationships, I may as well start fresh with people that I don't have so much anger and disappointment towards (family, friends, work)....

[BrandiJK]

Gracie, I had to sign on and respond to this post. Which is saying a lot, because the few posts I managed this morning were just deleted, and that pretty much describes how the rest of my day went.

I know that withdrawl space, and that willingness to pick up and move. I have only 2 commitments that keep me here, and they are big enough to over come my hurting heart.
As for getting over it, I don't know, as I am in the same space. Dh and I have tried and tried to talk. I always end up just a little bit more numb then when I started, and I can't imagine that is helpful.
I can say that I went out and bought a book on overcoming betrayal, whether it be through spouse, friends, or onset of illness...it's pretty broad. It's also sorta new-agie, in a non-fluffy sense...but it is at least a step in the right directing, getting me focused and honest on what I am going through, and hopefully helping me see not only my way through it, but the light at the other side. Something to help me reclaim myself, because I don't need all those people that just left me. It hurts, but why should my life hang on their abandonments? Easier said then done, but it's something.
Anyway, the book is called "Betrayal, Trust, and Forgiveness A Guide to Emotional Healing and Self-Renewal" in case your interested. I can only read a little bit at a time, thanks to the beautiful blessing of HG. But thebits I have read seem to give me a new outlook.

I can also say that I will walk this right along side of you, and maybe we can help each other through.

I may want to withdrawl from most everything, but this site has taught me the true value of support. That is, perhaps, the biggest gift I have gotten through this ordeal. I lost a lot, but I gained much

[Gracie]

Thanks Brandi This is just so "not-typical" of me to withdraw, I am usually very outgoing... I guess the important thing is that I will have had time to take stock of my life, who I am, who I chose as friends and decide at some point what I want to do.

I think you or Suzanne talked about having done a major house-keeping of your friends after one HG pregnancy and I guess that is something I will have to face eventually too.

Brandi... I am here for you too! I'm just as good at listening as I am about expressing myself... and I enjoy it. Don't hesitate, any time!

[BrandiJK]

yeah, I do have to say, the friends that stuck with me through this...they may be few, but wow, do I ever appreciate them.

[IslandDreamer]

(((Gracie)))

(((Brandi)))

[Marie]

to you both.

Marie

[Gracie]

Brandi,

The pics of your bellycast, hearing all that your friends did for you; and seeing you look so glowing you're almost fluffy actually gave me a bit of a boost towards having some faith that there are good people out there... not just all the women on this site (who have kept me from deciding to become a total hermit), but some that have not had HG! Thanks

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

You've got enough going on to make anyone withdraw, and that you are present for your kids through this is amazing!

Big hugs

Sarah (bug-eyed from tiredness, so will write more later/tomorrow)

[Kadinga]

(((((((Gracie)))))))

There are quite a few people that I never really "got back to" after Heather was born. I see them occasionally and I'm honest with them about where I'm at, but they seem to put their own interpretation onto it all the time. One actually blames my DH for everything I do that is different to her choices and experiences. She was a close work colleague, and when she and her DH found out I was pg again she left it to her DH to ring and offer help. There are other people that I've met since Heather was born who have been much better friends this time around.

I think we develop a better sense for which people are genuinely interested in us and who is just interested in how well we fit in with them. No prizes for guessing which makes the best kind of friend, and if the ability to tell the difference is something that HG has taught me, then that's a bonus, as far as I'm concerned!

You'll be okay, sweetie. It's just time to move on within yourself, regardless of whether or not you move your physical location. When you're feeling better, get out a bit, join a new group or two where you are and make an effort to chat to people you haven't talked to before. You'd have to do that anyway if you moved, but you'll save yourself the hassle of removalists and changing addresses.

((((Hugs))))

Amanda

[BrandiJK]

Gracie, my group has kept me sane. I am sorry that I can not come and do such a thing for you! I would in a heart beat!

There are still good people out there. It's sad they are not who we thought, but they exist.

How are you holding up?

[Gracie]

Actually having a good day... although my obsession with counting the toilet paper rolls in the house each morning is a bit alarming. I panic when it is below 8! (I go through about 6 a day...). Tnankfully the last pack I bought was a 50-roll mega pack so I'm safe for the week. (There is a supermarket that I can place the order on-line and have it picked and delivered by their staff for 6$)

I took a bit of time this morning to think about some good things and I've realised that this whole experience has actually made my faith in God a lot stronger; there have been some really dark, scary moments but I am still pregnant, and this little one appears healthy and very active.

I'm looking forward to spring since I will have the baby and the HG will be gone, and I can get out to the park or for walks or even to the zoo with my kids & the baby.

I did a load of laundry and actually enjoyed the sense of accomplishment that it is all washed, dried and folded and the scent of the detergent didn't overwhelm me.

I haven't had a headache in over a week now.

The kids have had colds for the week but I have not caught it yet.

Fresh Strawberries are 1.78$ for 2 lbs... and I can actually eat them! (it is -24 degrees here, so its a big thing to find the Strawberries that cheap).

I had my mom pick up a bunch of romance novels from the "Love Inspired" series (they are Christian based stories, so no great sex scenes but really nice stories about overcoming obstacles... even if it is fiction) at the local used book market to keep me occupied. I don't think that I could read a real Harlequin right now since I cannot even think of sex and I don't want to read about some model falling for some millionaire and having wonderful gourmet meals together...

Thanks for asking!

[BrandiJK]

I am glad you are having a good day

And great on those strawberries!!!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

It's so where i was at early in my pg. i had just left the underpaid animal shelter job i was working in for 2 yrs with no help, they hired a new guy and after realizing that they burned me out and overworked me, paid him 50 percent more and gave him 2 assistants. he's now quit bec. he's overwhelmed and they want me back. i got into a huge conflict with my boss there and also with a volunteer, my relationship with my mother was at an all-time low, i got screwed by the unemployment office and we could barely manage, we moved into a place that had people having loud sex on the floor above us and had to move into my mom's place, the doctors did nothing for a long time with the hg and i nearly died of dehydration after losing 24 pounds, my sister in law started cursing my unborn baby when i pissed her off by disagreeing with her about her decision to throw her stepdaughter (my niece) out of the house bec. she didn't want to deal with her, many in my former community rejected me when i married out of my faith, people who once loved me, and much more!
man did i lose faith in humanity, and the anger levels were huge! somehow, one by one, relationshps are healing. my former boss apologized, and became one of my biggest supporters during the pg, making appts to docs for me and inviting us over, calling all the time, etc. the volunteer and i became friendly again, and she has shown lova and appreciation in big ways, my brother, married to my evil sis in law, called and we're ok now. my mom and i go up and down, but its a lot better between us, and many other things have gotten better. we have a great new apt., my religious friends are more loving, and i got my revenge at the stupid docs by going to the media. i'm glad i didn't leave norway before resolving things here, but man was it tempting! as you know i'm not exactly miss serenity, but i'm on a better path. but i can so relate!

hugs

sarah

[Gracie]

((((Sarah)))) thanks for sharing! It helps to hear that relationships CAN be mended...

Today, thus far (I've only been up for 2 hrs) looks good. The sun is shining and I could brush my teeth. Small victories for now I guess


How did the rest of yesterday go for you? I hope you managed to put your feet up for a minute or two and get a bite into you!

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Gracie, the sun's shining here too (as is the little cute son of mine ). I'm battling a constant feeling of overwhelmedness, but am now taking action to reduce that. Little things like adjusting the positions I bf in, so I'm more comfy, and taking time to make and eat decent meals. It's helping a bit. But man, Aidan gets so upset when I let him cry a little, and the looks he gives me, man do they break my heart

Oh boy, there he goes Just wanted to connect and respond. Yes, it's quite amazing how things have improved here. Whatever we decide as far as moving, I'm glad I got closure here.

hugs, hugs

Sarah