PTSD after m/c and HG

[christineb]

Hi, My name's Christine, and I'm new in this forum. I came from the 1st trimester forum, and stories of grief forums, and finally, to this one. Just looking for a little support, and to spare the repetition for those who already are familiar with my story, it's posted in the 1st tri. and the follow-up is in the stories of grief forums. Today, I am having some serious mental health issues. I am not nearly recovered, physically, from what I've been through, (long hospital stay with some very horrible things that went on, and a loss at the end, as I was about to embark on my 11th week...), but emtionally, I am a deplorable mess, just need some support. I am not getting to sleep easily, and I am having awful dreams, sweating all night - which is a bad thing, as I'm barely re-hydrated enough not to require a return visit to the God-forsaken hospital). I just have a constant feeling of dread, panic, etc. I'm having outbursts at everyone in the family over stupid stuff, and they don't need this from me. They've gone through enough trauma - both my daughters - from my being so sick and not being home for so, so long, and being so very sick that it scared them. They were shifted around from my parents' to my dh's parents' places, and shoveled between neighbors in the in-between times, it was just awful for them. Their Christmas was awful - they spent it without mommy. I came home, but I was so ill, I couldn't be with them for church, or relatives' visits, dinner, etc. I laid in bed, sick, all day. I did get up in the morning and watch them open gifts, and spent time with them. But it was painful physically, and I was so weak, and I know they sensed those things. Anyway, my family doesn't need to have mommy come home alive, only to go mental on them. My dh is being so super-sweet. Thank God this man had suffered through anxiety and depression years before we met, and remembers all too well. He's been really fantastic with my state of mind, reassuring me that this sometimes happens to people who've really been through a lot of sh--. I should be rejoicing to be alive and not have permanent kidney or heart damage. I should be smiling all day long. Instead, all I can think of is the baby I'll never get to hold, and the awful flashbacks of really bad moments in the hospital. (I keep dreaming about/flashing back the awful incident with the feeding tube that didn't work out.) I am going to see my psychiatrist, who is used to treating me for PMDD (Sever PMS). But I definitely need some intervention from a counselor,etc... I had PTSD many years ago, after a sexual assault, but not like this. And my counseling was free, through the local crime victims' council, and they were there for me 24 hours a day, to take my calls at the worst moments. I don't know who I can call right now, when I feel like I am "losing it". I know I'm physically drained, and I've been told that literally, it will take several months for my body to "bounce back". I was very sick. I'm lucky to not have permanent damage, like I said. And I am happy about that, I'm just really overwhelmed right now, that's all. Thank you everyone, for listening...

[BrandiJK]

((((((((((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so, so sorry. It is so good that you are going to talk to someone, it sounds like it would be of a great help to you. You are feeling all this for a reason, and it's not something that you can just put aside and smile away. But help in organizing those feelings, getting them out in a healthy way, is certainly needed. At least, it would be needed for me.

Don't beat yourself up for how your family is seeing you, what you are giving them. Your family will recover from this too, it will just take time. Adding on extra guilt will only add on your own time in stress and depression and slow your own recovery.

It is so wonderful your husband is being supportive!!! Lean on him as much as you can. Talk to him, if he is able to listen, and when you talk to you psychitrist, be sure to get support lines and phone numbers for 24 hour grief counceling.

((((((((((((((((Christine))))))))))))))))

[Rose]

Christine,

I am experiencing anxiety--something I have never been through before. It is so real, not "all in my head" and can be very scary--so I know what you mean. I have found that getting out of the house--walking and doing stuff has helped me. I am just barely getting over HG, 2nd trimester. You've been through so much. Hang in there--you'll be in my prayers!

[IslandDreamer]

(((Christine)))

I went mental last year when Hope died. I totally nutted out and couldn't breath well for months. I couldn't function for longer. And I couldn't wake up in the morning for almost a year without first thinking: my baby is dead. I told everyone, at the grocery store, church, work, everyone. I couldn't stop talking about her and thinking about her...and yes, of course I'm grateful for Chris and now Jack, but how do they replace Hope? What a terrible burden for anyone to want to assign to Jack.

With Hope, HG started at 5 weeks 2 days and didn't ease up until almost 15 weeks despite the fact that she died at 10 weeks and was born (I labored, delivered, and held her, so I feel like that is the right word) at 12 weeks. I hadn't been able to leave bed or be in natural light. I had intractible vomitting and regular ER visits and a moron for a doc, not to mention her mean staff.

After Hope died, they were like all "medical" and no compassion. When I LOST it completely, I felt like the biggest whack in the world because everyone told me that no one grieves a miscarriage like I did. For me, m/cing was and is the death of a child. In my case, that child is named Hope and she is the daughter I will never get to meet this side of heaven. And it angers me still that folks try to do "grief math" and assign sorrow based on her size or gestational age.

I totally relate to what you say about the girls finally getting Mom back and she checks out emotionally. I was there not long ago. But think about it. You almost died and your baby did die. The docs may be using all kinds of medical language, but around here we know the truth. Your CHILD has died and that loss deserves your full measure of grief. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are entitled.

Brandi is right. Your girls will be okay, but I won't sugar coat the experience. It does take some time for them to feel safe again, well, it did with Chris.

More later,
Love,
Suzanne

[JennyK]

Christine,

I have nothing to add to the thoughts and advice of the others, but I'm thinking of you during this hard time. I'm so sorry for your loss and all you've been through and are going through now.

[christineb]

I can't tell you how much saner you all make me feel. All your hugs, and caring and support are too wonderful for words. I know I have quite a way to go yet, in recovering from all of this, but I think it's going to happen a lot more quickly because I have all of you. I may not be "normal" according to my prior standard, but I'm "normal" enough, according to the experiences here. I may be "batty as a loon" to an outside observer, but right here, I'm all OK. Thank you!

[teddi]

Christine- (hugs)

I don't have all my thoughts gathered on this, so I might post more later (I'm probably known for my notoriously long books)

but- a superbrief hx of myself- I am still dealing w/PTSD from my last pregancy and "birth" and some very serious complications I dealt with at the very end (pancreatitis, quick onset HELLP/Pre-E, emergency c-section which was I was not adequately anesthetized (sp) (IE painful and traumatic), then two babies in the NICU, me in the hospital (admitted in 12-17 released 12-26). Christmas, last year? I felt quite guilty at my 4 1/2 spending Christmas in the hospital. Nothing was normal.

1) It's "normal" to be traumatized after everything you've been thru.
2) *A* normal response to trauma can be PTSD. This is increased ALOT when you have suffered w/PTSD before, or trauma before. So this makes sense.
3) You lost "normal" and you're still not back to it yet
4) Your "normal" will be forever different
5) You lost a baby. That's a tremendous thing to grieve. I can imagine, but only imagine, what it would be like.
6) You battled HG and lost your baby. Even that in itself is different, as you had to pay the price of physical suffering, fighting for YOUR life.
7) I have to question you on this- you "SHOULD" be rejoicing? Well, yes and no. You made it thru, your baby is gone. I walked away from my experience with two healhty babies, and it literally took me until my their first birthday for any kind of "gratefullness" or "rejoicing" for THEM OR ME to sink in. Me, personally, I know myself well enough to know that under no circumstances would I ever be smiling so soon again after losing a child (born or unborn).
Try to let go of "shoulds", at least, when it comes to emotions. There is no "SHOULD" feel this, or SHOULD feel that.

9) Honor your emotions as they come. Pretty or unpretty. There are stages to grief, but not a timetable. GIVE YOURSELF TIME. Wow, was THAT one hard for me. Should this, should that. I'm still grieving my lost birth, and still grieving losing nursing, and still grieving the first six months that I was in an emotional coma from the PTSD.

10) Your physical recovery. I'm quoting you "pain physically, and [you] were so weak". You were in PAIN and weak. Don't feel guilty over Christmas. I remember and I feel guilty so much more than my son can even begin to remember. You were not well. So don't judge yourself as if you were. My recovery from all those complications and HG took a LONG time, I was still not really feelling normal 6 months post partum. 9 months, I was feeling almost normal.

Letting go of that previous standard would be helpful. You've been thru alot more. You aren't the same person as you were before, so the standard should be changed. Remember with PTSD it's "too much trauma" essentially for the brain to process. Wow, battling for your own health and loss, how can your brain handle all that at once?

If your current counselor doesn't have experience with these types of issues, seek someone who does. Someone who "gets" PTSD, firstly, and childbirth/pregnancy secondly. It can be hard finding these counselors but they are out there.

No timetables. No shoulds. No standards. Let your mind and heart process the bits as you can. Remember, whether this ends up being PTSD or a different form of dealing with trauma, time will help. You might have moments when you don't think it will (been there, done that).

If ever you need someone to talk to, you can PM me.

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

Oh you poor dear! My heart goes out to you, and yes, get lots of support and tlc right now. Be easy on yourself, and don't set big goals of any sort. Just get through each day as comfortably as you can. Oh, I'm so sorry about what you've gone through!

Big hugs

Sarah

[Rose]

Christine,

I just saw a therapist today for the first time, and I have to tell you I learned so much and it helped so much. I have not been through nearly what you have been, so I don't want to trivialize, but I do want to give you any help that has helped me.

Overall, know that your body is going through so many physical changes--it is chemical/hormonal and it is real. I'm sorry I can't address the grieving, which is huge, too. But, don't let your mind get into bad habits--think rationally that you are going to live through this, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I have to tell myself that almost every moment. I have to tell myself I can eat whatever is in front of me, I can go to the bathroom, I can sit here, I can get dressed, I can take a drink of water, etc. without going into a panic attack. When my heart starts pounding I take a slow breath through my nose and breathe out my mouth, and it really helps. I talk positively to myself and tell myself there's no proof that this will last a long time. Maybe it will, but there's no absolute proof, and I won't let my mind slip into the bad habits of negative thoughts so that when my body is recovering physically, my mind will also be recovering mentally.

I hope this helps. I know a little bit about some of your difficulties. I can share more if you or anyone else wants to know more.

Lastly--my mantra has become (quoting the therapist) "it's disturbing, but not dangerous." We're not going to die--we're going to live (and I'm hoping to be better for it) and make it through.

Joy