Some progress and some surprising feelings

[teddi]

Well, DH is now back at work and the girls birthday has come and gone and Christmas is over. So where am I now?

I did surprisingly well w/the aniversary of the girls b/day. I actually feel, a tiny bit of acceptance with the surgery and the "birth". For the whole year I felt like time was just screwed up. Like the older they got, the further away from their birth and the further from HOPE I got. Truly, on some levels my mind was still trying to figure out a way to go back in time, even in the weeks up before their birthday.

Their party, well I think it helped. I was present and full and threw my energy into it. I got to EXPERIENCE it, unlike their birth and first six months. In a small way, it gave me some hope. What's lost is lost, but from now ON, I can experience those special moments. It's like instead of moving further away from a point in time that I can never go back, I can go forward.

Christmas however, well I was one grumpy B*&$%. I didn't expect it to be so hard, but a lot of hurt kept coming to mind. Particularly feeling ALONE and ABANDOMENT. I've mentioned it before, but from the c-section on, my DH didn't stay one night with me. And he could have stayed every night. The first night I told him GO HOME, because I was so exhausted and didn't have any strength of any kind to deal with him (he was uncomfortable and complaining about trying to sleep on the floor (YES FLOOR as in linoleum), while he REFUSED to ask them for a sleeper chair).

He took that as meaning I didn't want him to sleep over at all. And never offered. Three days in a row he said he's be at the hospital by 9 am and would show up after 10:30, or 11. And he's stop by to see the girls first and tell me how cute they looked, etc, meanwhile I was waiting for HIM to get me in a wheelchair and down to SEE them. So frustrating. Spent Christmas Eve and Christmas night alone. And I remember the first feeling, actual emotion I had was Christmas night when the nurse did the girls weigh-in. And Chloe was 3 lb and 14 oz. That number 3, I just remember it like a dagger to the heart. Absolute failure, and I was just so alone in all that.

So it was surprising that the holidays were as hard as they were. Sigh. A year ago today was when we brought the girls home from the NICU. I guess I had just had my hopes up, I just KNEW they'd be born before Christmas and ... really thought we'd all be home and happy for Christmas. But instead it was not that way at all. I still feel guilty like I caused it all to go wrong. I feel bad when I remember it at all, my son having to spend christmas day in the hospital.

My DH got out the video camera and came across the tape from last year and he wouldn't even watch it. I could tell it even bothered him. This next year may be tough too. In a way it's like... it will be their first year (with me emotionally present) in many ways.

Anyway, that's it. Did surprisingly well for their birthday and surprisingly hurt about old hurts. I do think by next time this year, it will be history and I hope w/a good year under my belt, this will not hurt nearly as much.

I am a little concerned about next week on out. Since 12/3 I have hardly been alone, first w/DH's two weeks off, and then now school break my sister has been over and we've had lots of family over. So, I will have to "keep an eye" on myself after next week when the holidays are over and things get back to normal (ie me alone wtih the kids all the time).

[teddi]

I just wanted to follow up and add I realized, that I haven't had ANY anxiety episodes since the girls birthday at all. That's a good thing I guess.

[IslandDreamer]

I reaad both posts a few days ago and thought I'd replied....no memory, now isn't that shocking?

You really sound better. Even though Christmas was harder than you expected, and I'm sorry about that, you really sound like marking the girls' birthday was a giant milestone. I'm happy for you.

[teddi]

I always forget to reply to threads I try to follow, I'm sooo bad about it. Or sometimes I too swear I replied ... MOMMY brain!

Still anxiety free. It's really weird..because looking back I think I can now say I was MUCH more anxious than I thought or admitted. I kept thinking anxiety = "panic attacks" but it was much more subtle than that. With that being gone lately, I feel tremendously different. Like I was nearly CONSTANTLY anxious, I was really having a hard time focusing or remembering anything. One day I was so in a bad place I couldn't find my keys, and the thought of looking for them was stressing me so bad, ds didn't go to school

FYI, I am OFF all the meds. I have one for sleep only which I rarely take.

[AmberWest]

((((((((((((( Teddi )))))))))))))))))

My goodness sweetie, I can't figure how I missed this post but I feel like the biggest jackass in the world now that I see it so late.

I'm so proud of you for making it through so much as you have. It's truly a testement to how strong you really are. I'm very glad that you are feeling somewhat better since the girls birthday. Perhaps you are right in the fact that you really just needed to feel involved and in control of some aspect of their birth and celebrating it etc. I hope and pray from here on out every milestone will be a joy for you and some of the scars will fade into a dim memory.

`huge hugs`
Amber