Could someone please point me in a better direction?

[Kadinga]

Yesterday I tried changing my "pattern". I didn't sleep in the morning, and as luck would have it DD decided not to sleep in the afternoon, so I didn't get a nap then either. I started thinking some thoughts that I know can lead me down a dark path if I don't turn them around quickly.

*****
A bit of background:
I have three younger brothers, one 20 months younger and twins 9 years younger. My earliest memories are pretty much all "I can't go and see Mummy because she's busy with the baby". I strongly suspect Mum had undiagnosed/untreated PPD at that time. Then there are large chunks of my late childhood/adolescence that she has no idea about, to which she still to this day will say "I didn't have time for that, I was busy with the twins".
Please don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't be without my little brothers for all the world, but because of the impact that their births had on my mother and the emotional stamp that put in my memories I always vowed and declared that I was not going to have more children than I could cope with, and that I would never ever ever allow an older child to feel like a 2nd class family member.
********

So yesterday, I'm not coping at all. Twice I put DD back to bed and shut her into her room and went back to my bed listening to her crying because she didn't want to sleep but I needed her to so very desperately.

Then I started thinking: (this is pretty dismal, please don't read it if you're struggling with your own doubts)
I'm rejecting her, she's crying because I'm rejecting her.
It's not her fault I'm pregnant, she shouldn't have to pay for it.
I've been rejecting her now for months, sending her away and not letting her come and see me when she wants to.
I'm as well now as I can reasonably expect to be for the remainder of this pregnancy, so I'm going to have to keep rejecting her for 5 more months.
Then there will be a new baby that will need me to put him/her first, and DD will continue to be rejected while I appear to show more affection to the new baby.
The new baby will never go away, DD will have to share my attention for ever more.
DD and I will never have the time together that we used to have, things will never be that good again.
I have broken my promise to myself and my eldest child
I am a failure
I shouldn't be having this baby
I don't want this baby to come and ruin my daughter's life
I don't want this baby






help


Amanda

[BrandiJK]

((((((((((((Amanda))))))))))))

I am sorry, and I understand. You could be right, perhaps your mother had PPD, and it is something you should be aware of. But because that was your experiance in that situation does not mean that DD will have the same experiance. In fact, you are more aware of it, and so will enforce the fact it won't. You'll make a conscious effort to include both children in your life.

I remember going through this worry when pg with my second, that I was neglecting my first. I am going through it now, and cry often, telling Dh to always remember to baby Brigit since I am making her a middle child...guilt guilt guilt. I think sometimes we are homonal, sometimes (often) it is genuine fear and saddness, and often times made stronger because we need something to be sad about, a target outside our own pathetic HG worlds that even we get sick of thinking about.

Ok. First off, your heart and ability to give attention and love is more strong and vast then you could ever believe. Secondly, when this child is born, you will not be in the same state you are in now. You will feel better, and have more energy.
Thirdly...toddlers need naps, and often times cry through them...esp. when establishing their bounderies. You are in a weakened state...but have to remember not to personalize it. How old is DD?

Sweety, you love your daughter, and you love your growing babe. You will find room in your life to love them both and to give them each anything and everything they need from you. Take a breath and give yourself a break. You are a very smart and aware woman, you know what to look for and watch for around this issue. Trust yourself to follow through.

[JennyK]

Amanda,

I am the oldest and have two brothers. One is 18 months younger and the other is 9 years younger. Just because your felt like your mom was too busy with the younger ones for you does not mean it has to be that way. I can say that I NEVER felt like my parents didn’t have time for me because of my siblings. I don’t know how they managed it, but we all just “fitâ€ÂÂ

[carla]

Amanda,

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You are very run down and going through the most difficult time in your life. YOu are not a failure. I believe that your children are so very lucky to have a mommy like you. Please try to remember that this is a temporary time in your life. Your past experiences will help you to give your children the best possible childhood that youare capable of giving them. Try to think of all the wonderful activities that you will do with both of your children. Iknow inside my heart that they are very very lucky to have a mommy like you. YOur awareness of problems of the past will help to prevent the similar situation from happening to your family. Try not to worry, things are going to turn out just fine. Keep your chin up sweetie, things will get better!

[Kadinga]

Thankyou, ladies, for taking the time to read and reply to this.

I think some of my worry comes from the fact that I have to have been under 3 yrs old in some of my earliest memories, mentioned above, and Heather is showing such a good memory already (2yrs old and she quotes pages of Dr Suess when she's bored in the car ) that I just can't see how she'll not have some lingering memory of this. Also, the battle over the sleep on Monday when she's been blessing me with 3 and 4 hour naps lately was a major shock to the system. I told my neighbour and she said that if that ever happens again I'm to call her in immediately.

I guess I'm not allowing for everything that is going to be affecting my state of mind in general. Add to the pg and HG that my DH leaves for work at 7:30am and rarely shows his face again before 11pm at the moment, (I hate harvest!) and it's a fair load to carry, I suppose. Still, it's very comforting to have people who understand to offload with. You ladies are wonderful.

Thankyou again for taking the time to check in on this.

Amanda

[mandy]

Hi Amanda,

You've taken me right back to my 2nd pregnancy with this, and what you have written about is a big chunk of the reason why we haven't proceeded with a third pregnancy as of yet (the eldest now being 6+ third go around).

My dd was 2 also whilst I was pregnant and was 2.8 years when ds was born. I remember lying on the couch during those worst weeks and seeing her sitting ON the dining room table colouring in sheet upon sheet of paper for ages. It broke my heart. I felt terrible. My cherished first child balancing on a table, quietly whiling away the hours and I never even had the energy to do a thing about it except say 'I love you Ellie'. I promise you I felt many of those feelings you describe. My dh also works 7.30am till 8pm or later all year thro, so I understand those pressures too.

Anyway - we made it! All intact, all extremely bonded, and you will see for yourself the look on a dd's face when she is introduced to a sibling! That will be the day you really know you made the the right choice and you will never forget the reaction and pride your dd shows for this baby.

I am extremely sure Ellie has no memory of hg or being an only child. I think there is a huge difference between the memory span of a two year old and a 3+ year old. Ds is 3 now and I know he will remember some of his Nursery days and teachers but I know he will forget about the toddler groups we attended until he was 2.5, just like dd has.

I know you will worry and feel guilt as it's all part of being a mummy. I also had issues in childhood that have led to me being aware of doing things differently with my children. As soon as ds arrived things were back on track and we haven't looked back. I had enough time to care well for both dd and the baby. In fact, she loved helping too at that age and I also have nice memories of us all snuggling - breastfeeding ds, whilst hugging dd and reading her a story etc. Now they are older, we are still having great fun being a family of four. My dd and ds are lost without each other and miss each other when one is at school or nursery and the other is home etc. Trips to the zoo, park etc are lots of fun with a sibling. You won't have a single regret when this baby is born.

People say having a baby is a selfish act and that may be true in some cases, but when it comes to mums who suffer with hg I believe giving your child a sibling is the most unselfish thing you could ever do. Trust in the Amanda who was ttc. She knew what she was doing when planning for the future. She was well and knew what she could handle.

Mandy xxx

[dwtegli]

((((((((Amanda)))))))))

A lot of what was going through your mind was going through mine when I was pregnant with Colton. I did not want another child after Cassidy. We were so busy with the two of them, we were just getting back to normal and into a decent routine, and starting to enjoy everything, then BAM we were pregnant. I was so mad, and so upset. For a lot of the reasons you talked about, then I got SO sick and couldn't take care of the kids for so long, Cassidy didn't want me anymore, she wanted dad or Grandma. I could handle Tatyana because she was old enough to take care of herself for the most part. Now, it is 15 months later, and things are getting better. I am able to take care of all of them, and spend time with all of them. Their were times when I was pregnant that I said to myself that I didn't want him, but I am so glad I do.

Hang in there, you will be a great mommy to both of them.

[Kadinga]

Thankyou, Mandy and Wendy.

Yesterday (Wednesday) I tried to look after Heather on my own again. I was okay for the first part of the day. I even took her to the park (drove the one block to get there, but we went!) Then I tried to have a little sleep while she was napping, couldn't get to sleep (surprise suprise) and then it got really really hard until I was just sitting and crying when DH came in for his evening meal and I hadn't been able to figure out what we would eat. He put DD to bed before he went back to work, but she didn't settle for another 2 hours because the weather has got so hot and her room doesn't have an a/c vent in it.

I'm really hating this right now. DD is at childcare today, so I did get to sleep all morning (which is the plan that works well) but I still have the lingering negativity from yesterday and Monday. I just can't shake it. Re-reading all your posts has made me cry even more because the part of me that knows you are right doesn't know how to pull me out of the hole I'm in and get through the weeks ahead.

DH has two planned trips away with the Army Reserve. 2 weeks at the start of Feb and 3 weeks in March. I want him to be able to go because he needs the break as much as I do and at least it's physically possible for him to take it. The money would also come in handy. I desperately don't want him to go because those are weeks when I could rely on him to have DD in the mornings and I wouldn't be having to worry about lining up other people to take her all the time. This just adds to the "I'm such a failure" feelings.

I'm not supposed to be seeing my doc again now until Jan 17th. Do you think I should be going to see him about this? He's horribly overbooked (our rural practice is hopelessly understaffed) so it might still be very hard to get in to see him, and I hate the idea of adding anti-depressants to my daily cocktail, but I can't think of anything else to do....

Amanda

[bibliojo]

(((((Amanda)))))

I just want you to know that I understand even though I'm not pregnant and at the point where you are. But I know that when I get to that point, I'll be thinking/saying many of the things that you are telling yourself now. When pregnant with Lukas, I resented him deeply for making me so sick. I did not love my child. But when he came and as I got to know him, I was filled with an intense love for him. I know when I get pregnant again, I will resent the new baby for tearing Luke and I apart. But I just have to tell myself, I resented Lukas before he was born but love him so much now. It'll be the same with the new baby. And it will be the same with you. You have done an amazing job with Heather thus far. She is an intelligent healthy child. When you feel better, you will be able to pick up where you left off. Your new baby will be sleeping a lot of the time and you'll be able to steal moments with Heather where it is just the two of you. Don't think of it as the end of a happy time but rather the beginning of a happier time to come. This new child will enrich your lives even more. You'll have Heather AND a new child that you will love just as much as her.

That all said, I do think that you should try and get in to see your doctor. He may not necessarily prescribe anti-depressents but he can evaluate you and determine what is best for your mental well being. You have so much on your plate right now. It's not easy being sick day after day, unable to do anything. And then too being on your own for so many hours while being responsible for an active toddler.

Amanda, you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you need to talk, I'm here to listen and offer my support.

Love,
Joanna

[caleighbelle47]

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I also know what it's like to read people's responses and know they're right but still not know how to go on. I felt very guilty while pregnant with John, I felt so bad for neglecting my daughter. I felt like I was stealing part of her childhood and regreted ever getting pregnant. There were times I felt like I didn't really want the baby. However Isabella did fine, she was still a happy little girl. She was still very much loved and had her needs met. And she loves her baby brother so much. I know that someday she's going to be greatful that she has a brother. Sometimes in families we have to make sacrifices for each other. Each one of us has certainly sacrificed a lot for our babies, and our older children too make sacrifices when we become pregnant again. It's not always fair but that's just the way it is.

Chances are that she won't remember this. I think she's much more likely to remember stuff after the baby is born. Keep her involved and focus on what will happen after this pregnancy, because that's what will make an impression on her.

[mandy]

Hi Amanda,

I must say that the first thing that has sprung to mind is are you definately well hydrated? I know you are managing better but do you def think you are having enough fluids? It's just because the way you are posting is the way I was thinking when I needed fluids.

Also, I was diagnosed with pre-natal depression with pg #1. I did not take medication for it (maybe I should have), but sitting in that room, breaking my heart to my Dr, being told by him all about pre-natal depression did actually help lift me a bit. Like I was that low to admit all my thoughts to my Dr and he didn't actually get social services to whip my dd away (my biggest fear even though I had a supportive dh and parents helping). Somehow after sitting in that room doing all that, there was nowhere to go but up for me. Not instantly, little by little, but I kept my head above water.

I do think you should see your doctor. Why not? Please don't feel guilty leaning on others for help either. Just because hg isn't always visable to others (except for the green skin colouring and sick bucket ) doesn't mean you don't deserve every bit of help you can get. Really, honestly, Amanda I bet people want to help you out. Like THEY are being allowed to do something to help. It makes people feel useful and good about themselves too.

I know it is limiting in the way of how much our posts can help, but please take comfort in the fact that many of us have stood where you are now and we got through, and some (gasp!) even do it again after! When the vomiting slows down, it doesn't mean hg is getting better. It affects your mind, body and soul as you know. Remember you are still poorly. Don't expect to be functioning more than you should. I understand your dh needing and deserving a break, but only if it is not to your detriment.

Thinking of you lots, Mandy xxx

[Kadinga]

Thankyou all for your understanding. It is helping, it really is.

I think I will try to see my doctor next week, if he can fit me in. I have wondered about my fluids. I am trying hard to get enough in, but I'm starting to feel cold again, which is a bit ridiculous in the weather we are having. It's heading for 41oC today, and we have the a/c on full for everyone else's benefit, but I'm sitting here wearing polar fleece. It's light-weight polar fleece, but it's still polar fleece. The cold thing was a big problem when I was in and out of hospital earlier in the pg, so that made me wonder about how I'm really doing now. Actually, I could even call him this afternoon to see if he thinks there's anything I can do now.

I think I also need to be more honest with myself about how much rest I need. No matter what people want to say about how I'll sleep better at night if I sleep less in the mornings, trying to not sleep in the mornings is what kick-started this current state of things. Maybe I'd have got to this point eventually, but I think I brought it on a little faster by trying to cope completely on my own on Monday and Wednesday.

It's just so hard. I feel pathetic because I'm rarely vomitting at all now, but I still just cannot function the way I want to and need to, and because I'm not vomitting or losing weight anymore (I've stopped gaining, by the way), others all seem to think that I should be able to do more and tell me "but you're so much better than you were" and "all pregnant women feel tired". Not like this they don't.

*sigh*

Oh well, that will do for today's rant. Thankyou again for listening.

Amanda

[carla]

I feel the same way Amanda. I am not vomitting anymore, but I still don't feel 100%, and I tire so easily. It makes me start to wonder if it is all in my head, and that I should try and put it out of my mind and get on with life.

Yeah right, I wish. I try to get up at a normal time in the morning, and I practically fall over by lunch time. Let's face it, we are still not better, and we need to rest. Most importantly though, we need to not feel guilty about it. We are doing this for a reason.

Glad to hear that you are getting your fluids checked. This might help a bit with your feelings of dispair as well. Keep us posted. You are in my thoughts!

[caleighbelle47]

I felt the same way during my pregnancy, extremely tired. About halfway through I starting sleeping until noon everyday and the farther into the pregnancy I got the later I had to sleep. At the end I wasn't able to get up before 2pm. When I did have to wake up early for doctor appointments it was the hardest thing to do and I was very sick on those days. Don't let other people make you think that you should be acting better, it's your body and they haven't been through HG. Sleep really does effect how well you feel.

[SkunkPaw]

((((((AMANDA)))))))

I just have to say every thought you have said on here I feel. All the posts that I read, just read today, have made me feel better. It is like you are reading my mind from the feeling guilty about bringing another life into the mix to the I should be feeling better. I went through not throwing up everyday but still couldn't function and they wanted to send me back to work.... then I relapsed.

The thing that makes me feel better is talking with ds about him helping give the baby baths and helping me change dd diapers. He seems like he really wants to help now and he is so excited. He even tries to make me feel better. Sometimes though it back fires. I feel so bad b/c sometimes I lose my temper with him, when he starts acting out badly. I know this happens to everyone every now and then, I just feel like it happens to often for me and it makes me sad.

I hate punishing him when he misbehaves b/c I feel like it is my fault that he isn't getting the attention that he needs from me. I have talked with my sis about my fears of not loving this baby like I love my son. I already resent her for making me so ill and putting me through so much pain. But then again, it is my fault that I can't handle preganncy. I know that it wasn't her choice to make me sick. It is something that can not be controled. I feel like I am talking in circles. I had PPD with ds and feel like I have had it through this entire pgcy but my dr doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. I don't want to be on any more meds and have a chance that it will effect dd. I will just have to hang in there a little longer. Hanging by a thread.

[Kadinga]

Well, I tried to call my doc yesterday, and wouldn't you know it, the practice had closed at lunch time for the Christmas break, so unless it was an "emergency", which I didn't think I really qualified for, he was not available. I'll try again next week.

Carla and Angela, it's good to know I'm not the only one caving under the weight of the exhaustion on it's own. I was able to sleep as much as I wanted last pregnancy, and I don't remember if it got worse at the end or not. This time, though, having to have care organised for DD on a daily basis is exhausting in itself. There is such a limitted number of people I can call on, and none of them relatives, that I really feel like I'm taking advantage of people with nothing I can do in return.

Chasidy, You are so not alone in this. We just need to keep telling ourselves that this is nobody's fault, it's just the way it is until our babies are born, and I guess keep looking for ways to make each day a little easier. Yesterday I spoke to a friend in Sydney (1000km away) about it all. She's a very very grounded person. She never crackers me because she was quite sick and realises that I am worse than her and how horrible that must therefore be. She pointed out that my daughter is not living with parents who don't love her. She is clean and safe. She is not starving. She is not abused and her essential health needs are not being neglected. She has not been through an earthquake, a tsunami or a hurricane, and those things are not likely where we live. She does not have to fend for herself, and the things that she is dealing with are not permanent. I felt better while I was talking to my friend about this. It's a bit like the lovely replies I've had here, though, I need to keep repeating the words to myself to try to make myself believe them.

Is anyone else feeling an absolute and complete lack of Christmas spirit? I love Christmas. Ordinarily I love everything about it and this was supposed to be the first year that DH, DD and I did it completely our way, but our way doesn't exist. The only thing I'm looking forward to is DD having new toys to entertain her.

Amanda

[Proudmama]

Amanda,
I am so sorry. I just saw your thread. I thought I was the only one with these thoughts and worries. Even before I got pregnant with this baby, I worried about how life would change. I know that I want this baby but sometimes I just feel so guilty. Just a couple of days ago, I asked my DH if I was being selfish by having another child. I work full time and every other waking minute I would always spend with DS. I feel guilt over working outside of the home, I feel guilty over not being there for my DS like I was pre pregnancy, I just feel guilty over everything. I will just cry sometimes when no one is looking. I still do not have energy to take care of my DS by myself all day long. We used to chase each other around the house, go to the mall and to the park, and even for walks. Now, going up and down my steps exhaust me.
Please know that you are not alone. We are going through this together. I am here for you if you need another shoulder to cry on. We both know how much we will love these new babies and how much we adore our first born children. We will somehow make it through this together .

Love,
Jamie

[Kadinga]

((((((Jamie))))))))

We got through ttc and the first tri together. We can do this to.

Amanda

[Mom to Aidan & Daniel]

I, too, have lingering childhood stuff that easily comes up now that I'm pregnant and going to be a mom. The fact that you have so much awareness, and are so honest and open, is the best insurance policy, the most important first step, to not allowing what happened to you to repeat itself with dd. It absolutely will not! As the others have shared so openly and with so much wisdom, I won't repeat what they have said but just agree wholeheartedly with them.
You are not your mother! I am not my mother! My therapy during this pg has been intense, because pg brings up so much of the past. I have gotten further in therapy during pg than ever before. For me, a terrible fear of being like my parents has put a huge crimp on my joy in becoming one myself. That's changing now, but any reminder of them in my behavior, however small, triggers a strong reaction. I really had to work on that to get some peace, while at the same time accepting that SOMETIMES I won't be perfect, and will mess up a bit. The important thing is to recognize it when it happens, not allow a pattern to form, and be very gentle and easy on myself. It's really helping me, and I'm getting some freedom from the past this way while at the same time gaining confidence in my future abilities as a mom. Your love for your daughter shines through in every post, and my feeling is that you are there for her more than most moms are! She'll be fine! Good that you got help from your neighbor, and are reaching out to us! I imagine that your mom didn't have the awareness or reach out like you are. See, you are SO different from her already! I'm going to post about my own past in a new thread, inspired by you.

Hugs

Sarah