by BrandiJK » Aug 22, 2005 8:20 pm
I too have been dwelling on this one. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I still carry anger at my ex-in-laws due to their treatment of me while I was at my worst. And the fact I refer to them as my ex-in-laws should tell you pretty much what happened to the marriage. He never stood up for me during those times, and I never forgave him. Of course, there is so much more to divorce then somethng that simple. But the point is, we never got it together to fix it. So every thing else just kept getting worse.
This time, current husband (his second time going through HG and me) is not doing so great. First time he was amazing, now it seems like an old hat to him. That, and our first child together was not this hard. We had a period of several angery and guilt pointed words he flew at me and I went into an intense spiral of depression which I am still rising out of. Much of my feeling like a burden is due directly to his words and actions.
However, this time I am not making the same mistakes, but was upfront with him around how I was feeling, and I didn't back down, but brought it up for a few minutes at least every night until he was willing to talk to me about it. (It also helped that he got a MASSIVE stomach flu that was pretty much how my HG was daily. He had an example to draw from and I point it out often.) We were struggling and barely making it, I was petrified that this pregnancy would tear us apart. Now, we are still working on it, but our heads are way above water. And, the open communication has helped on so many other levels. He does not let me hide in my depression, but calls me on it and pulls me out through talking. We have at least an hour every night where we talk about our feelings, where we are, my coping skills, his coping skills, what ever is up. But we never let a night pass with out talking about this deep seated stuff.
And before you say, "My dh won't talk to me like that, so that's out.", let me tell you my hubby is about as red-neck as you can get while still living in CA. He's arrogant, gets angery easily, gets offended easily, does not handle emotions well and normally handles them with anger, and quite frankly can hide in a stiff drink when the world has pushed his buttons too far. (He has good qualities too, but that won't help muchhere. Just want you to know he's not a total sh*t) However, seeing me at my emotional worse, my honesty with my emotions and feelings with out reverting to yelling, and the knowledge that my trust and faith in him were slipping and slipping fast helped a great deal. The talking was very hard and uncomfortable at first, and still is sometimes. But it is becoming normal and is helping.
I have only my experiance to offer, and I feel like it is pretty muddled. I hope it is readable for you. It's an emotional topic for me still.
The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.
He just did not get it! It wasnt until I had a bleed scare at 12 weeks that he started helping and shut up. I really resent him for treating me so bad. How do I get over this?Thanks for listening.
So, I dont even go there! I am never having any more children, so that is how I keep my sanity, knowing I dont have to go through the anger again. The anger is worse than the HG. I am sure that contributed to my severe Post Natal Depression. Of course, I forgive my husband, as I love him dearly, but I cannot ever begin to forget the treatment he gave me. Perhaps time will heal my wounds. Thanks for caring.! God Bless.