Helpless and hopeless

Including Post Partum Depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & flashbacks.

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Helpless and hopeless

Postby Jacwoud » Apr 05, 2016 12:01 am

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first and suffering from HG. It started almost immediately and hasn't let up since. We (my partner Joey and I) live in Australia and fell pregnant on our first big trip together to the US. The nausea was instant and unbearable. My poor beautiful fiancé had to cut our trip short and carry me back home, crying and vomiting, on a 18 hour flight. Possibly the worst day of my life.

For the first month it was almost unbearable. I went to live with my parents as Joey had to work and I was in no state to take care of myself. I was admitted for fluids numerous times, lost 12kgs and tried every medication under the sun. Still I was vomiting 4, 5, 6, 7 times a day. I did, what I've read many of you did, and wished, hoped and prayed for miscarriage. All I've ever wanted to be is a mum and suddenly I found myself cursing the day that stupid sperm found my stupid egg. Oh the guilt. I felt like a monster. How could I be such a monster?

Over last few weeks it has subsided enough to allow me to work on and off. I'm surprised how well I fell when I'm there. I put on a happy face and tell people I'm doing much better. They offer me ginger biscuits and dry crackers and I politely accept and let them think they have cured the poor girl of her morning sickness. But the days after... Oh the days after I feel 1000x worse. Last week I was there three days and spent the next 2 two with my head in the toilet. I sleep 12-14 hours a day just because I can't bear to be awake. I want to quit my job but money is tight. And with little one on the way I feel like I would be failing him completely.

The last few days I have not been able to drag myself out of bed. I just lay here and cry and wish I had never gotten pregnant. Is wasn't supposed to be this hard! I watch my poor tired, exhausted fiancé drag himself off to work knowing full well he will have to come home and put a load of laundry on. Make dinner for himself and eat it alone in the kitchen. Do the dishes, tidy up and come to bed just in time to hold my hair back while I vomit for the umpteenth time that day and cry myself to sleep. I have never felt more guilty and useless in my life. I want to help him. I just can't. Even worse than that is the guilt I feel when he tells me he misses me. He looks deep into my eyes, stroked my hair and I know he's thinking "she's just not there". I feel like I've left him all alone to deal with this. I know that this must be just as hard for him. I want to support him and take care of him but all I can do is cry.

So I guess the point of my post is - please someone tell me it will get better. Tell me to stick work out for just a couple more weeks and things will be fine. Tell me Joey doesn't hate me for doing this to us. Tell me my friends will forgive for ignoring their problems for the past 3 months. Just tell me I can do it and it will all be worth it in the end. Ok?

X
Jacwoud
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Re: Helpless and hopeless

Postby Misstristyn » Apr 06, 2016 9:02 am

Oh honey, yes! I know you've been through hell and no one who hasn't been there can truly understand, but it WILL get better. That you've improved a little is an excellent sign and you will probably be like most of us and feel much better by 16 weeks. HG tends to let up gradually. You almost don't notice until one day you realize, "hey! I'm not throwing up all the time anymore."

A few women continue to feel bad the whole time. If you end up being one of those, usually they get really good at managing it.

Your partner is definitely NOT mad at you. He wishes you felt better, and hates to see you suffering. He feels helpless, because really there's nothing he can do to fix it, and men dearly love to fix things. Reassure him that from what you've read you'll be feeling much better soon. Give him a way to help you if you can so that he can feel like he's participating/contributing in a meaningful way. Say, bring you some lemon ice or something that sounds like you could hold it down. Hang in there! I worked throughout my 1st HG pregnancy and it was pretty awful. I mostly had my head on my arms on the desk and puked into the waste paper basket when I couldn't get to the bathroom in time. People at work didn't understand why it was such a big deal, but then I got better during the 2nd trimester and things were fine.
You've come so far, and the worst is behind you! And yes, that baby will be worth every bit of this misery! It's normal to want out when you're suffering so much. We all wanted out, but in the end the suffering is temporary. It will stop, then you'll have your little one the rest of your life and never regret enduring hell for them. I think you love them all the more for having sacrificed for them. You'd do it again to save their life, In a heartbeat.
Above all don't feel guilty about shifting the load onto your partner. This is survival mode time. This is your crucible. This is one of the most challenging experiences of your life. Ask for, and take all the help you can get humbly. One day at a time. You will make it!!
Misstristyn
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Re: Helpless and hopeless

Postby Jacwoud » Apr 07, 2016 4:30 pm

Thank you so much for your response. It's incredible how much being understood has helped my mindset. For the past 3 weeks I have felt so alone and isolated and suddenly there is light :)

Forever thank you x
Jacwoud
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Joined: Apr 04, 2016 11:17 pm

Re: Helpless and hopeless

Postby Misstristyn » Apr 07, 2016 5:13 pm

I'm so glad! Yes, validation really helps. Knowing you're not alone, not weak or selfish, and knowing that others have felt like you do now and got through to the other side saying "this was worth it."
Please keep in touch, and let me know how you're getting on!
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