terrified of more

[JeannaCava]

I'm only 16w, 3d. So, I know I've got a while left of this pregnancy. But even the thought of sex after the baby is born is terrifying. I've decided to get my tubes tied. Dh readily agreed to get a vasectomy. This will be our 3rd baby. We have a 7 yr old, a 4 yr old, and we did miscarry early this year. We want to adopt at some point, and thought this might be the last anyways. But when my "flu" was so obviously not the flu anymore, that decided it. We are very religious, and I would go to sleep praying I wouldn't die and leave my kids without a mother. My husband would check on me every 30 minutes, and if I was sleeping he would wait a minute to make sure I was still breathing. We actually did decide on an abortion one day at the hospital, which broke our hearts. We called an abortion clinic referred to us. But, the girl at the clinic on the phone seemed clueless and then I had to sign papers for the discharge, so I hung up on her. We planned on calling back, and then it eased up ever so slightly. We decided to wait, but that no matter what we would never do this again.

I don't know how I feel about that decision. I laughed when I caught on to the "fluffy" term. Oh, I'd love a fluffy pregnancy! My others were nothing like this, but were each horrible in their own way, and I think I had very mild HG with my daughter (if that's possible, that or absolutely hellish morning sickness). And when compared to my 3 sisters-in-law's pregnancies, it was shocking how they were never sick. And aggravating. I wanted that! I didn't understand why I couldn't just have that too. My mother never had any problems either with sickness. She did have to have stitches in her weak cervix, but she never experienced any sickness. Part of me is angry that this is my ending to my pregnancies.

I feel cheated b/c I never got a fluffy. It is hard to think that this is my last biological child and I can't enjoy this pregnancy. I'm just trying to do what my docs said, not overdo it, and pray I don't have to end up in the hospital again. I've been stuck in bed over 2 months. I take 7 pills every day, hoping it will be enough to keep me out of the hospital. My kids have totally forgotten what life was like with me running the home. I know we don't really want another baby. I really am terrified of the idea of doing this twice. We're both getting surgeries and I know I'll probably make him use condoms too for a while.

So if I know how scared and sick I am, and I knew this could be the last even if I wasn't sick, why is this decision still so heart-breaking?

[joy_g]

it's heartbreaking to have your dreams and opportunities dim, no matter whether you know it's the right decision or not. plus, HG is so draining emotionally that you just don't have the resources to grieve this loss properly. i feel like i've lost so much and had so much taken from me, that to voluntarily give up the idea of future babies is SO devastating. and yet, in the middle of an unplanned 3rd HG pregnancy, i can't imagine ever being willing to do this again. i'd love to adopt, but i want to feel like it's my first choice, rather than a second choice, way to have another baby. does that make sense? i am worried about adoption feeling like the consolation prize. that probably sounds horrid and offensive to some of you. i am horrified at the feeling myself. but i definitely understand the "i'm done and i'm heartbroken." i guess time and prayers will comfort us. and we're lucky to have children in our families...some people never get the chance.

[JeannaCava]

I don't think it sounds horrid to want an adoption to feel like a first choice and not a consolation prize. Adoption is a big issue. I've wanted to adopt since high school. Even in middle school, knowing I couldn't, I wished my parents would have. So adoption for me is not a secondary "I guess I can at least..." idea. It's something I've always wanted. We just haven't been about to for various reasons. We're hoping to start the process soon after I recover from this and we kind of get used to life with 3 kids.

Thanks for what you said. I feel like there is SO much to grieve with this. Not having a fluffy, not being able to do what I normally do, missing my kids, possibly missing my favorite holiday get-togethers not to mention my birthday at the end of this month. And that on top of dealing with the everyday stresses of this. Everything just kind of gets thrown at you at once, and to top it off, you can't enjoy a minute of it. Last night my daughter had a belt test in karate and she did so well she skipped a belt. I miss getting to share those moments.