guilt trip about cost of adoption

Share your questions about and experiences with adoption or surrogacy pregnancy alternatives.

Moderators: Atsie, caleighbelle47

guilt trip about cost of adoption

Postby sillypumpkin » Nov 23, 2007 6:36 pm

I'm wondering if anyone also feels this way and/or tips on how to deal with the guilt...

I am 14 wks pregnant with our first child. The HG has been physically, emotionally and psychologically trying for both my husband and I. We've decided we don't...can't do this again and would like to consider adoption in the future (we've always wanted 2 kids). I know it's super early, but we started reading up on adoption and found out it can be really expensive (up to $40,000 domestic or international!) Considering I had to quit my job and all the medical expenses for this pregnancy, my husband immediately commented that although it's financially feasible for us, it would still be a big financial strain and wasn't worth it- that we should only have one child or put up with HG again instead. I'm torn because I feel like $ isn't worth HG again, I'm afraid for my physical and mental health...and yet I feel so guilty because he's the $ earner and I shouldn't put $40,000 worth of stress on his shoulders. I don't want our child to grow up without siblings, and I'm afraid I'll talk myself into another pregnancy because of my guilt :cry:
sillypumpkin
Welcomed Friend
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Nov 16, 2007 11:30 am
Location: Austin, TX

Postby HG Mama x 2 » Nov 23, 2007 7:01 pm

That's the hardest part about being married... Making decisions together and deciding when to compromise and when not to.

Is this something you have to decide right now? Since you're 14 weeks pregnant, it seems like you just need to get through this pregnancy and see how you feel when it's all over. I'm a huge planner, so that's unusual advice for me to give. However... I found that I saw things differently at the other end of my first pregnancy. You might not change your mind, but I think you should at least see this through before you make any huge decisions (and this is a big one, especially if you and your husband don't agree).

BTW, something to think about when you're ready -- adoption is generally pretty expensive but it doesn't have to cost $40,000. We were enrolled in an adoption program through Catholic Charities that was only $15,000. That was two years ago, so the fees might have gone up. We didn't complete it, since I got pregnant with my son. We were considering adoption because of infertility, not HG. Anyway, if you're serious about it you might consider doing some research. Also, some employers offer adoption benefits where they cover some of the costs of adoption. Mine doesn't, but my husband's offered a $5,000 credit.

Good luck with whatever you decide.
HG Mama x 2
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 272
Joined: Oct 03, 2007 10:58 pm

haha...you're definitely right

Postby sillypumpkin » Nov 23, 2007 7:21 pm

You're definitely right on doing one thing at a time. You know what? Reading your post got me thinking why exactly this became such a big issue so early and curiously enough, this is what I concluded:

1. Thinking that there was an alternative (adoption) to getting pregnant again comforted me tremendously during times of terrible HG symptoms knowing I would never have to go through this again.

2. When we found out about the costs and I realized it may not be such a no brainer option, the thought that I might have to be pregnant again to have 2 children made me incredibly depressed and overwhelmed... suddenly it wasn't just getting through this one pregnancy in my mind, it was getting through another one in the future too!

So I guess my whole distress while discussing it with my husband was not about whether to adopt or not in the future, it was really about feeling psychologically able to finish this pregnancy!

lol...funny how you discover things late sometimes. Thanks for your 2 cents that made me realize this!
sillypumpkin
Welcomed Friend
 
Posts: 67
Joined: Nov 16, 2007 11:30 am
Location: Austin, TX

Same Feelings

Postby farmfam » Nov 28, 2007 5:38 pm

I feel like I am in a similar spot as you. Except with a few more kids. I am pg with my third. I had hg with each. My husband and I decided after our last that we would either stay at two, or go all the way to 4. We did not want to stop at three.

I have always wanted a big family, and so has my husband. I come from a small family, and lost my little sister Tiffany to a drunk driver when she was 15. There are lots of reasons we wanted more than two. When I finally got where I thought okay, I want to go forward and we got pg, the hg has torn me apart again. The only thing that keeps me sane is the possibility of adoption or the small chance I could have twins. The choice to stay at 3 is just too emotional for me right now. (I will honestly say that I am willing to accept whatever the Lord intends for me though)

I have always considered adoption, but my husband has been a bit scared of it. Like you, this time I delved into the adoption world. I've learned alot, but have a lot to learn. I really think this is the only option I am willing to consider if we are going to have more. I won't pressure my husband, but my foot is much more firmly planted this time. One thing I found out is that I gave up on my feelings a little too easily when we went for number three, just because I REALLY wanted another. (We did wait three years between) I'm not going to do that again. I think I have come to the point that I am going to accept our family with three children, or open my arms to another child if my husband will say yes. Like you said, I don't think I can get through another pg emotionally.

One good note is that in my research and from the people I personally know, $40,000 is a very high end for cost of adoption. The people I know spent between $15,000 and $20,000. They were foreign adoptions. In fact, one of the women just had an article in the WONDERTIME magazine put out by Disney.

There are lots of tax credits etc. We were uninsured this pg, so we are paying bare min for this child $9,000. That's without ultrasounds, meds, etc. I'm sure it will be closer to $12,000 by the time I get through the HG.

Good luck. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings as you continue in the pregnancy. Also if you proceed forward with adoption.
farmfam
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 319
Joined: Oct 23, 2007 4:12 am
Location: Montana

Re: haha...you're definitely right

Postby aaronsmommy » Nov 28, 2007 9:25 pm

sillypumpkin wrote:1. Thinking that there was an alternative (adoption) to getting pregnant again comforted me tremendously during times of terrible HG symptoms knowing I would never have to go through this again.



I did a lot or research in to adoption during my son's pregnancy for similar reasons. It is now 5 years later, and I still have yet to either close the door on the possibility of adoption, or pursue it. I had a sense of urgency about the whole decision then, and I don't have one now, and I'm still not sure what I will do.

Do all the research you want, but remember, now is not the time for any decisions. For a lot of people those decisions become clearer arter the baby is here, for others like me, they don't, but they do become different, so there is not much point in deciding now.

As for your husband, his views are also likely to totally change over the next year or two, or 3 or 4 . . .
Aimee

Aaron 12/4/02
aaronsmommy
Forums Administrator
 
Posts: 4271
Joined: May 28, 2004 1:49 pm
Location: Southern California

Postby bethanyk » Jan 16, 2008 12:10 am

I felt exactly the same way when I was pg with my son. Exactly. I used the fantasy of adoption to help me get through the pregnancy, knowing I never HAD to do it again in order to have more kids. Then, I realized how expensive it was and was seriously let down. I felt like I could have written your posts word for word. At this point, I do think I can do HG one more time, but if not, consider this. When you factor in lost wages and medical bills, HG might be just as expensive as adoption. Okay, so that sounds like a bad thing, but to me, that cancels out the fact that adoption is too expensive, because really so is HG.
bethanyk
HG Expert
 
Posts: 1641
Joined: May 03, 2007 12:50 am

Postby IslandDreamer » Jan 24, 2008 10:41 am

What you say is the very reason I believe money should be eliminated from the equation. That's an insane amount of money, and it's insulting, imo, to the children to have lawyers profit from the children's need for a home, insulting to all involved. Ethically disgusting.

If there is a child who needs a home, and you want to parent that child...that is what should happen. None of this ridiculousness of 40,000 to adopt.

:hugs: :hugs:
IslandDreamer
HER Majesty
 
Posts: 9259
Joined: Jul 12, 2004 10:49 pm
Location: Texas

Postby abbyjinxy » Feb 15, 2008 10:36 pm

I just PM-d you! PM me back if you want to... $40K is not even close to the average. DH and I have been researching adoption very seriously for the past month. $20K is average to high for domestic- and between $20-40 is ave for international (depending on the country). I have a lot of info on tax breaks, etc.
Mommy to:
Katherine- Born 11/10/06 (HG)
Charles- Born 10/7/09 (No HG)

Pregnant with #3- due February 5th. C/S will be scheduled the week before.

HG Survivor!
abbyjinxy
Welcomed Friend
 
Posts: 77
Joined: May 04, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Michigan

Postby IslandDreamer » Feb 15, 2008 11:00 pm

Even 20K seems too much if a child needs a home. Blech!

:hugs: to you all!

abbyjinxy, did you get the PM I sent about an agency? There is one in Michigan being sued, and another agency that comes highly recommended for its ethical and affordable adoptions.
IslandDreamer
HER Majesty
 
Posts: 9259
Joined: Jul 12, 2004 10:49 pm
Location: Texas

Postby abbyjinxy » Feb 16, 2008 10:45 am

I saw the message about Abrazo- but I didn't see anything about the MI agency getting sued. Which one is it?
Mommy to:
Katherine- Born 11/10/06 (HG)
Charles- Born 10/7/09 (No HG)

Pregnant with #3- due February 5th. C/S will be scheduled the week before.

HG Survivor!
abbyjinxy
Welcomed Friend
 
Posts: 77
Joined: May 04, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Michigan

Postby justbishop » Sep 06, 2008 10:37 pm

Hi :)

Just wanted to possibly toss a ray of sunshine into the idea of adoption...I've always known that regardless of how many bio kids I end up with (pg w/ #1 now) I would adopt eventually, preferably a tougher to place older shild.

Anyway, I started seriously looking into international adoption right before we finally succeeded in getting pg, and I found out a few different things:

1. at least in the US, there is a tax credit that can help offset the cost of adopting over the course of a few years. I believe the last amount I knew about was around $10,000!

2. there are many countries where your total fees, including travel, end up being much less than the $40,000 you seem a bit scared of. You just have to look around and consider what you can afford, income requirements, etc. I know China's fees are pretty stable at around 20k, but they also require that you show a positive net worth of at least 80k...which would keep alot of people considering the country for financial reasons from being able to qualify there Some countries are more lienient on how your finances look on paper, but have higher fees.

3. more and more low interest adoption loans are popping up, and are a definite option. The idea is that you use your tax credits to pay the loan off in lump sums, along with normal monthly payments.

4. no matter what agency or program you decide on, no one expects you to give them $20,000 all at once! That money is paid out over time for various piecemeal services...adoption agency application fee, homestudy fee, FBI background check/fingerprinting fee, and travel costs when it's time to book that. In addition, even the agency fees are usually paid on a schedule, not al at once. If your dealing with a country like China, where the wait for referrals just keeps growing and growing, you might end up coming up with these monies over the course of a few years. Looking at it that way is a lot less daunting than reading the total costs!

5. lots of agencies have listings of minor special needs or older healthy kids that they're offering grants on, simply because they're not as "in demand" as the "perfect" healthy infants. If you're really interesting in adopting but hadn't considered older or SN kids before, it's something you should think about. Lots of conditions may seem unmanageable for you at first, but once you do some research and connect with parents of other kids in the same situation, you might see it differently.

6. community help and fundraising can go further than you think! If you're a member of a church or other group, consider talking to your pastor, priest, etc. to see if you can get some help with car washes, bake sales, etc. Loads of people suppliment or even fund certain parts of their adoptions or travel this way, and you'd be suprised at how many people are happy to help give a family to a child who might not otherwise get one!

Hope that helps everyone to continue to consider adoption, whether or not you decide to attempt another pregnancy. I hate that the issue of money has to be a part of it too, but there are definitely ways of lessening that blow!
justbishop
Been There Done That
 
Posts: 438
Joined: Sep 05, 2008 5:30 pm
Location: Taylors, SC, USA

Postby mmichelle » Sep 23, 2008 8:31 am

Just a thought....after you pg is complete add up all the that the pregnancy cost..lost wages, hospital stays meds etc...even if insurance covered it add it up. After DD was born we did that and she was worth a house lol..... I stopped counting when I was at $350,000 luckily we had great insurance to cover most of it, but still when you think of numbers you may want to keep that in mind.
Mer

DS 4/5/04
DD 5/25/07
DS 8/8/10
mmichelle
Master of HG
 
Posts: 3170
Joined: Oct 16, 2006 2:30 pm
Location: California

Postby sweetpea » Jan 24, 2009 5:56 pm

I have always wanted to adopt, and have been thinking about it a lot recently.
I also added up lost wages and out of pocket medical expenses. It will be around $15,000. That could have covered adopting a child, minus the emotional and physical trauma.
Image
Faith - April 1, 2009
Grace - November 26, 2010
Ladybug (foster baby) June 7, 2011

Angel baby January 2012
Angel baby February 2012

Image
sweetpea
HG Diva
 
Posts: 2296
Joined: Nov 22, 2008 9:18 pm
Location: Louisville, KY

Postby carybear » Feb 17, 2009 4:11 pm

Now my adoption senario was totally different than most will find. Katrina was my husband's niece so basically we just paid legal fees and it was still less than 2 grand. Obviously that's very different from going with an agency to find an infant.

I suggest finding a good lawyer before you join an agency. Someone who loves adoptions and considers it to be the "best part of practice" That's how we met ours. He gave us a smokin good deal because it was the best part of his practice, the only thing he really felt good about at the end of the day. If you find a good lawyer, he can probably point you toward a good agency. Make sure to do a check on your agency before you decide. That can make your adoption road easy or hard! I know plenty of people who wish they hadn't chosen the agency the did for this reason or that--they love their children just the agency screwed them over...

Have you looked into foster care? There are children who need homes and they are adoptable...that WOULD bring your adoption price down closer to mine, I promise.

There are so many routes you could take. take your time making this decision and don't rush it.
Luvs to all,
CaryAnn
carybear
Opinionated HGer
 
Posts: 944
Joined: Apr 21, 2006 12:30 am
Location: calhoun, LA

Postby Marinda » May 13, 2010 5:59 pm

You know, there is actually a really good group on CafeMom that deals just with this topic. I joined it because I have always wanted more than two children. I just can't see going through such a hard full term pregnancy more than twice. (We've miscarried twice.) This group talks about how to go about adoption without the agencies so that it's less pricey.
Marinda Kaye
Marinda
New Member
 
Posts: 9
Joined: May 13, 2010 2:34 pm

Postby sweetpea » May 13, 2010 7:39 pm

And you can always adopt through the foster care system - and it's free!
Image
Faith - April 1, 2009
Grace - November 26, 2010
Ladybug (foster baby) June 7, 2011

Angel baby January 2012
Angel baby February 2012

Image
sweetpea
HG Diva
 
Posts: 2296
Joined: Nov 22, 2008 9:18 pm
Location: Louisville, KY

Postby cherrya03 » Jun 05, 2011 1:19 am

Marinda wrote:You know, there is actually a really good group on CafeMom that deals just with this topic. I joined it because I have always wanted more than two children. I just can't see going through such a hard full term pregnancy more than twice. (We've miscarried twice.) This group talks about how to go about adoption without the agencies so that it's less pricey.



Do you have a link to that group?
Cherryse
Mother to Xav 9 (no hg)
Then HG 3X
7/06 m/c severe hg
12/06 m/c hg but not as bad as the first time
12/07 DS Gabriel, The worst of the worst hg with him.
9/20/09-DD Ana HG until 26-weeks.
Trying to adopt #4!!
cherrya03
Welcomed Friend
 
Posts: 75
Joined: Jun 25, 2007 8:09 pm
Location: Fl.


Return to Adoption & Surrogacy

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests